Phantom Feelings

Chapter 6

By Sakata Ri Houjun

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It wasn't Hikou that Kouji was angry with. It was himself. Because he wanted the older man more with every breath he drew, and he knew it wasn't just physical. He didn't want this. The older man was forcing it on him, making him feel things he'd decided he'd never feel. Things he didn't deserve to feel. But it would pass, because Hikou had told him he only had three days here. He knew, instinctively, that he wouldn't stay longer. The bandit thought he might want toand at the same time, he was almost certain he'd stay longer if he asked him to. But he wouldn't ask. He'd wait it out, protect himself from the lure of the older man, until his time was up. And then it would be over, and things could back to normal.

No beautiful face across the table. No curious questions and untamed enthusiasm. No one pestering him during his walks. No one making his heart beat for what felt like the first time in two years. There'd be no one, once Hikou left. No one at all.

He walked, and walked, and walked. Eventually, Kouji realized that they were nowhere near the stronghold, that his thoughts had distracted him from noticing just where they were headed.

Hikou hadn't noticed where they were going either, that bit of knowledge wasn't the most important thing on his mind. The thing that was, was Kouji's pain. He could see it so very clearly. It shone from his eyes and cried from his soul. It was in his walk, his voice, and his very essence. A hurt that enveloped him like a shroud, refusing to let him feel pleasure or happiness or love. And suddenly, his own life and death didn't seem nearly as important as removing that funeral shroud from Kouji's vibrant soul.

Hikou stood close behind the bandit, not saying anything, just standing there. When Kouji turned to look at him, Hikou looked past to the cave just beyond. Suzaku, what were they doing here?

Ah, Kouji, he whispered. I thought we were going back to the stronghold.

Gomen, but I got mixed up back there. We'll have to turn around and backtrack.

Hikou noticed that his eyes were still haunted as he turned back to the cave again. He knew that the bandit had spent several years here. He would never get mixed up or lose his sense of direction in these mountains.

However, I'm kinda tired, so let's sit for a while, `kay? He plopped down just outside the cave's entrance, Hikou joining him.

The older man watched his companions' features for a while before reaching over and cupping his face, fingers slipping into his cobalt hair. Kouji, don't you know I'm here for you? Can't you see me here?

I see you. I can't stop seeing you.

I've come to make it better, Kouji.

The bandit blinked the moisture from his eyes and moved his gaze out towards the distant horizon.

I didn't realize it at first, of course, Hikou went on, rubbing a lock of that untamed hair between thumb and forefinger as the wind whipped the rest. Like satin, his dark hair. I didn't come here for selfish reasons. There's no such thing as a coincidence, Kouji. It was not pure chance I chose that night to visit you. And it was not longing alone that told me that I must come to you now. You need me, Kouji. You wished for me, and that's why I'm here.

Kouji dragged his gaze from the horizon, and finally locked it with the older man's. There's nothing you can do.

So you believe. But you have to let me try. Otherwise, your wish will be wasted.

The bandit stared at him for a moment, unblinking, searching.

You've nothing to lose, have you, Kouji? And if telling me what troubles you does you no good, well you've lost nothing. I'll be gone soon, and you can pretend you remained indifferent and solitary straight to the end. You can pretend I was never here, make believe I was a dream, the way you've done before.

He blinked at him in astonishment, but Hikou only smiled. He took the bandit's hand in his, and pulled him closer. Talk to me. You know you want to.

Kouji stayed in the older man's embrace a bit before sliding down and shifting until his head was resting in Hikou's lap. He shifted his gaze from the man's face to the sky overhead and back again, searching for the words that would help to express his pain.

Hikou played idly with the bandit's hair, and waited for him to begin. And when he didn't, he said, Tasuki is your close friend. When he lived here before becoming a Suzaku Shichiseishi, he was your partner, and your brother.

I loved him.

Hikou sighed in relief. He was talking, at least. And you lost him.

He never loved me back. I was only a friend to him, even when we he trailed off as he squeezed his eyes shut. I thought when the war was over, he would come back to me and we could return to how we were before he followed the Suzaku no Miko.

And he didn't? Hikou questioned, even though he already knew the answer.

Iya. He stayed away for three fucking years, leaving me dangling and waiting with my thumb up my ass and Then two years ago, he came back, with Chichiri in tow. I should have seen that coming, I guess. I kinda noticed it during the war, but I didn't want to believe that he dumped me for a monk.

Hikou bit his lip as a familiar sadness washed over his soul.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him, for their love. And for the longest time it seemed that I didn't lose a lover, but gained a new buddy. Demo, they shared something that I wasn't a part of. They would often go off, just the two of them, into their own happy little world where I didn't belong. I felt left out and forgotten, as if I no longer mattered to either of them anymore.

Hikou closed his eyes and closed both his hands around one of Kouji's, squeezing gently.

There are times that I just want nothing more than to destroy their happiness, just so that they know how I've felt all this time. But I can't. So instead, I've begun to hate myself, hating what I've become. I wander these mountains whenever I feel the anguish of knowing that I'll never know what it feels like, the love that Genrou has with Chichiri.

And what makes you certain of that? Hikou whispered.

Kouji blew a sigh. How in the hell can I not be? They deserve their love after all they had been through. Who am I to destroy that? What have I done with my life to earn even their friendship, let alone the love of another? If they only knew how much I envy them The hand Hikou held curled into a fist before he pulled it free.

That isn't true, Kouji.

The bandit jerked up and faced the older man. How can you say that? How can it not be true? They lost so much, the two of them. It's only right that they've found happiness. All I've done is lie and steal all my life. I don't even have the capacity for love anymore.

Demo, Kouji, every soul has the capacity for love, he whispered.

The bandit's brows drew together.

You've no way of knowing what lies ahead of you in the future. Are you so certain that you've nothing to look forward to? Do you not think that somewhere is a person who can and does love you with all their heart? If you keep this mindset up, the only thing that will be certain is heartache and pain for you and those around you.

Kouji gave his head a shake, blinked, and searched the older man's face. You talk as if you know.

Well, it does make sense. Kouji, souls need love to survive or else they destroy those around them.

How can you know that?

He shrugged. How can you not?

Kouji stared at Hikou hard for a long moment, then shoved himself to his feet and began pacing toward the edge of the ridge. Hikou rose as well, keeping pace.

The bandit walked rapidly, right up to the lip of the ledge, and stared out at the horizon as the wind whipped through his hair. And finally, he shook his head hard. Iya. Iya, I don't believe it. I'm just meant to be alone and that's all there is to it.

And because they were seishi means they are the only ones worthy of finding love and that you have no right to feel any heartfelt emotion? Instead, must you wander these mountains during the direst of storms, shaking your fists at the black night sky, and challenging the gods? And part of you wishes the darkness would win. It nearly did, the last time, Kouji.

It wasn't like that.

No? How was it, then? His hands curled over the bandit's shoulders, felt the tension there.

Not suicidal, he told him. That kind of thing isn't in me, Hikou. I was angry when I went out that night. Furious. Raging, just as I've been since I learned the truth. Going out in that stormI was lashing out at the winds and the sky and maybe even the gods themselves, I guess. Daring them, yeah, but I never had any doubt I'd survive. Beat fate. Petty vengeance, at best. At worst, I suppose you could call it a temper tantrum.

But it wasn't the first time you've taken such a risk.

Kouji bent low, scooped up a small smooth stone and pitched it over the edge. Probably won't be the last either.

Suicidal or not, Kouji, you could be killed. Last time

Last time I probably would have fallen, if not for you. He turned slowly and stared into his black eyes. I don't know how, but I know you were there. You were, weren't you?

Hikou averted his eyes.

Don't lie to me. If I need anything from you right now, Hikou, it's the truth.

What you need from me is healing.

Nothing can give me that. Healing. It's never gonna happen.

Hikou bit his lip. I used to feel the same way, he whispered as he slipped one hand into the folds of his borrowed tunic and closed it around the tiny jade talisman he wore. He thought it over, and made his decision, nodding once, firmly when he did. If he were to die two short days from now, he'd have no more need of this necklace.

He took the thong from around his neck, and cupped the green circle in his palms. It was the same color as the bandit's eyes. Hold out your hand, Kouji.

Just do it.

Slowly, Kouji's hand rose, palm cupped to receive the gift, and closing his eyes, Hikou placed the charm there. This was given to me by a dear friend, long ago. He helped me back then, therefore I now give it to you.

The bandit frowned at his solemn tone, glancing down at the jade circle, and up at Hikou again. I don't know what you're-"

Open your heart, Kouji, he whispered. Look. See the truth that eludes you, and put an end to this torment.

Kouji frowned hard, his narrowed eyes studying Hikou's face, as he stepped closer to him, then almost hesitantly, dipping lower to focus on the object in his hands, the jade circle almost seeming to glow in the fading light.

Hikou touched his face with his palm. And then he turned and moved silently away, praying it would be enough to save him from the darkness of his soul.