Phantom Feelings

Chapter 7

By Sakata Ri Houjun

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Kouji hadn't returned during the night or the slowly passing morning, and Hikou was too sick to his stomach to eat. Over twenty-four hours now, since his arrival. An entire day gone, with not much progress made. Suzaku, but he didn't want to die again. For the first time, he wondered if he'd made a terrible mistake by bargaining with his heart.

And then he thought about the shivers that had rushed up his spine when the bandit had kissed him that night in the cave, and he knew he hadn't. He must try. He had to reach Kouji somehow.

Before him sat Chichiri and Tasuki, both of whom were just as worried as Hikou about Kouji's whereabouts. They had listened to his account of the events yesterday afternoon, and he had told most everything except what the bandit had confided in him after he had managed to get the younger man to explore his pain.

Wonder where Kouji wandered off to? Tasuki wondered aloud for the hundredth time. That bastard's never stayed away this long without telling someone first. He cast a suspicious look in the former demon's direction.

Chichiri only looked worried. Hikou continued to sip his water, which, ironically, seemed to be the only thing he could stand at the moment, and then placed his cup on the table. I'm afraid it might be my fault, he admitted guiltily.

Damn straight, it is, the young bandit snapped as he glared at his lover's friend. You should never have come here. If anything's happened to my friend because of you, I'll shove my tessen up your ass.

Chichiri frowned at the redhead before facing Hikou. Are you sure he didn't he tell you anything yesterday?

Hikou shook his head. Gomen nasai. We talked for a little while and He paused and swallowed before he continued. He spoke of the reason why he's been so miserable.

Tasuki's expression changed from one of anger to one of shock. He actually opened up to you about that? After only knowing you a fucking day?

What did he say? the monk inquired.

The former demon looked down in shame as he sighed. I think you know why. His problems parallel those from my past.

I see. Well, Chichiri said, and a knowing look passed over his face. That confirms my suspicions. And this has been going on for two years, ever since I followed Tasuki here and made Mount Leikaku my home.

Demo, he has better control over his jealousy than I ever did. Unfortunately, that doesn't make the situation better.

the monk mused thoughtfully. He did love Tasuki very much, or at least the Genrou part of him. I can understand his emotions very well, to know that you have lost someone you care for to another.

Hai, but I'm afraid he-"

Shut up, Tasuki finally spoke up, softly. Both Hikou and Chichiri stared at the otherwise silent bandit as his hands clenched on the table. Kouji's been falling apart in front of my fucking eyes all this time and he would never tell me what the fuck his problem was. I've been so scared he'd He sighed and bit his lip. I've known that baka's been in love with me and I loved him back, but not the same way he did. We've known each other for years and I knew I'd never fall in love with him that way. And after a day, he opened up to Hikou.

Tasuki took his lover's hand before closing his eyes. Good for you, the younger seishi finally spoke. It's about time Kouji opened himself up to someone, even if it had to be you. He's been hurting and seemed faded as time passed. I want the old Kouji back and I can't bring him back. He opened his eyes and looked at Hikou then with a sad smile. But I think you can.

Hikou said carefully, not wanting to ruin this new amity created with the temperamental bandit. Kouji is of a mind to live his life alone.

Chichiri nodded, his lips forming a thin, disapproving line.

But why? the bandit asked.

Punishing himself. The same way I had.

The same way you'd what?

Kouji's deep voice came from the doorway, and all three of them jumped like children caught doing something they oughtn't. Hikou held Kouji's inquisitive stare, lifting his chin, determined not to be less then honest with him.

I'd been blaming myself the same way you are for something I had done a long time ago.

The older bandit came the rest of the way into the room, yanked out a chair and sat down. He reached for a bottle of sake that Tasuki had been drinking from and took a hefty swallow. Did you now?

Hikou held his gaze, and he could feel the energy zapping between their eyes. A pull. A magnet that nearly drew him right out of his chair and into the bandit's arms. And Kouji felt it too. He must.

Then the midnight-haired man rose from the table. I believe I'll go back up and get some rest now, if you'll all excuse me. No one said a word. They just watched him as he turned and moved through the dining room.

But something stopped him, something made Hikou turn and step up to Kouji's chair, despite that the bandit's spine went rigid at his approach. He didn't turn. So the taller man leaned over him, until his lips were very close to his ear, and he whispered, I'm beginning to think you need me as much as I need you, Kouji. I only hope you realize it before it's too late. He brushed a gentle kiss across his cheek, and then he turned and hurried away.

Tasuki glared at Kouji after Hikou's footsteps died away. The two seishi couldn't have heard what he'd whispered to him. Kouji had, though, dammit. He still heard it. Hikou's heartfelt whisper breezed through his mind over and over, making him grate his teeth and order his libido silent.

Kouji met then his friend's accusing stare. You don't know the kind of chaos that guy's caused me yesterday. Sighing, he shook his head. Never mind. Why the hell am I explaining myself, anyway? I'm a fucking grown man.

You're a fucking grown asshole, Tasuki muttered quietly. Any blind man could see that guy's falling for you.

Yeah, well I don't want him falling for me. I don't want anyone falling for me.

Tasuki shoved his chair away from the table. Maybe it's time you did even if you're too damned stubborn to admit that! He got to his feet, turned, and left the room. Kouji heard him go upstairs to his chamber, heard the door slam.

Chichiri shook his head before excusing himself and standing. Gomen ne, Kouji-kun. But Tasuki is right, for once. I used to think the same way you did, that I didn't want anyone caring about me. But you saw what happened. Love can't be denied, no matter when it happens or what form it takes. You can't fight it, merely accept it as the gift it's intended to be or else you'll end up killing yourself because life won't be worth living. The monk then left to follow his lover up the stairs.

The blue-haired bandit tired to clear his thoughts, but of course, it didn't work. Hikou was here, the object of that vivid dream transformed into reality. And he needed something from him, something too scary for him to think about too deeply right now.

He placed his hand over the jade pendant that Hikou had given him yesterday, the stone warm from lying against his skin. Kouji realized that he hadn't been feeling the same way since last night. The bitterness, the angerthey'd faded. In their place there was some kind ofof peace. Some kind of knowing that left himbetter.

Hikou had given him that too.

And he was left with no further excuse for avoiding the older man like the plague. He was left wondering what person in his right mind would deliberately keep his distance from a man like Hikou. But of course, he knew the answer to that, too. A frightened man, that was what kind. And he was, he admitted a little reluctantly, afraid of Hikou. The feelings that man aroused in him were too intense not to be frightening. And beyond all that, was the mystery of him. Who he was, where he'd come from, how he could do the things he did.

He said he'd tell you. He said to be patient and he'd explain everything.

True enough. And who was he that he couldn't wait another thirty-six hours or so for his answers?

He'd been a fool. A coward. And when he really let himself explore his reasons for that, he found one more. Probably the biggest one of all. He'd lost his lover, Genrou, and it had hurt beyond measure. He didn't want to let himself feel anything at all for Hikou because he was going to leave in the end. He might just lose him, no matter what he did, and he wanted to be damned sure he didn't suffer when it happened. He'd been guarding his feelings like a greedy dog with a bone. And despite his best efforts, the man had carved a place for himself in his heart.

He wanted Hikou. He knew Hikou wanted him. Kouji had to ask himself which would be worse. To relish the little time he had left with him and then be forced to let him go? Or to let him go, and never have taken the chance. Never even have known what it might have been like to hold him, to kiss, him, to

The soft creak of floorboards alerted the bandit. But he'd have known Hikou'd come back. There was a lightness to the air when he was near. A warmth that permeated every molecule he touched. He glowed somehow.

Kouji rose from his seat and turned to look at him. He was dressed in the white tunic edged in scarlet and yellow pants he had worn the night he first appeared in Kouji's life. Not when the older man had fallen into the lake, even though it was the same outfit, but when he had fallen from that cliff during the storm. In the afternoon shadows, the white stood out, making him again think of angels.

Hikou glanced down at himself and then back up at Kouji again. Why are you looking at me like that?

The bandit shook his head in self-contempt. Hikou, would you like to come walking with me?

His brow rose in perfect arches above wide, round eyes. Do you really need to ask, Kouji?

The younger man smiled, and it wasn't forced. Fully natural, completely without effort. Good. Come on.

Kouji moved forward, and took his hand, and stared down at the picture that made. The older man's hand nestled, as it should be, in his. Something yawned and stretched inside the bandit, then. Some part of himself that had been asleep for far too long. Coming awake now. Fully awake.