Phantom Feelings

Chapter 8

By Sakata Ri Houjun

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Their hands remained linked as the bandit led Hikou through the door and down one of the many mountain paths.  And neither said a word as they walked through the trees, or even as they approached the cliffs.  Hikou watched Kouji with those deep black eyes, and he seemed expectant and wary and half afraid.

As the younger man lead them further and further from the stronghold, the former demon seemed to relax a bit.  Enough to question him, the bandit discovered, when Hikou softly asked, "Why now, Kouji?"

The bandit stopped as a wind blew through his untamed hair.  And then he relaxed, his free hand running through his tousled locks.  "I don't know if I can tell you why," he said slowly, giving it a great deal of thought.  "Maybe because I've realized it's time I moved on with my life.  And this is where I have to come to do that.  Or maybe it's just that it's been too damn long since I've actually enjoyed these mountains…the way I used to."

He turned his face into the wind, because he hadn't realized how true those words were until he'd spoken them.  He hadn't enjoyed this, not since Genrou first left to follow the Suzaku no Miko.  But now, the mountain breeze in his face and the biting chill penetrating his skin, and the fiery color of the setting sun reached deep inside him.  All those old feelings returned.  His love of the mountains that had been his home, of scaling rocky cliffs, of seeming so high up that he was close to the gods.  Those things were still there, alive and well.  He'd foolishly thought them dead.

"But you're enjoying it now?"

Hikou's voice came to him softly, like part of the breeze in his ears, and he nodded.  "Hai."

"You could have done so without me along, Kouji."

"Maybe.  But you're enjoying it, too, aren't ya?"

"Hai."

Something in the older man's tone made him turn to look at him.  He stood, still clinging to his hand, hair whipping in the wind, face beaded with sweat, eyes shining with delight.  And the bandit's heart contracted in his chest.  It was a crying shame he couldn't give this man what he seemed to need from him.  It would be one lucky person who finally did, though.

"I've been living dangerously near the edge," he said to Hikou, because he felt he deserved at least this much from him.  "And creeping closer all the time."

"I know, Kouji.  I used to feel the same way and it took someone to show me how wrong I was then.  Demo," Hikou looked down in shame.  "It had already been to late to correct my mistakes.  I regret how I reacted when I found myself in a situation similar to your own."

"Demo, you came to me all the same when I needed you.  I'll never understand how…or why, but you did.  And somehow, Hikou, you gave me back my soul."

"Iya, Kouji.  It was never really gone.  You only needed a bit of a push to help see it again."

Kouji nodded, wondering how this man could seem to possess a wisdom that could rival Chichiri's.  "You helped me find that peace," he said.  "And I'll always be grateful for that."  Hikou looked at him, smiling in a way that made the bandit feel guilty as hell for taking so much and giving so little.

"I owe you.  I really do.  I only wish I could give you what you need from me."

Hikou's chin lowered fractionally.  "You mustn't feel guilty for that, Kouji.  You can never force yourself to feel something that isn't in your heart.  Even if you tried, it would never work out.  You couldn't even fool me with such a charade, to say nothing of…anyone else."

He frowned at Hikou's hesitation, and felt like a heel.  "I care for you, Hikou.   And gods know…I want you."

His head came up sharply, eyes sparkling with liquid fire for the briefest instant before he bit his lip and looked away.  "I wouldn't be right," he whispered.  "You don't love me."

Kouji closed his own eyes in anguish.  "It's too soon, Hikou, if you could stay, give me a chance to get used to this new peace that I'm feeling…I've been living too long with the idea that I'd never love again.  I can't just leap from that to undying devotion overnight.  We've only had two days…"

"Hai, Kouji."  Tears shimmered on his lower lashes, but he rapidly blinked them away.  "No matter.  If you don't love me now, Kouji, you never will.  And even if you might, my time is nearly up.  Tomorrow at midnight I'll be gone."  He lifted his free hand to cup his cheek, thumb tracing across the jagged scar that laced his jaw.  "But I must tell you that I've not one regret.  If my coming here has helped your broken heart to heal, then it was worth the price."

The taller man leaned forward and very gently brushed his lips across the bandit's.  And when he stepped away, his tears had finally spilled over.

"What price?" he asked the older man, skimming his cheeks with his fingertips, absorbing the tears into his skin.  "What did you mean by that?"

Hikou only smiled and shook his head.  "I thought we came out here to enjoy the sunset, and not to talk on such dire matters as my leaving.  Come, Kouji.  Let's sit a while, and look at the sky, and forget who we are."

The younger man nodded, and turned to sit down, Hikou moving with him, their hands letting go as they did.  His scent caressed him.  His hair tickled his cheek when the wind blew.  Kouji slipped an arm around the taller man's shoulders, and he relaxed against him, closing his eyes.  His arm tightened around Hikou, his head falling gently to his shoulder.  Turning just slightly, he pressed a kiss to the older man's forehead, and then he thought, what the hell, and turned more, hooking a finger beneath his chin, and lifted his face.  The bandit fitted his mouth over Hikou's.  He kissed the older man, and something kicked his heart into overdrive the second he touched his lips with his own.

Then there were tiny droplets of water splattering on his face.  Hikou opened his eyes to look straight into Kouji's stunned face as he drew away, wet with raindrops like his own.  A rumble of thunder muttered in the sky.  A flash of lightning, and the rain came harder.  Kouji scrambled to his feet.

"Kouji?  Nani?"

The bandit looked down at him, gave him a reassuring smile.  "We'll be alright.  We just have to find some shelter to wait it out.  Too far to go back home."

The wind picked up.  Kouji held out his hand and pulled Hikou to his feet.  "Let's hurry."

"But why?"

Hikou tipped his head back, letting the strengthening rainfall pummel his face, feeling the wind caress him.  Standing perfectly still.

"Hikou, what the hell are you doing?"

"Feeling."

"You're going to catch your death out here."

He almost laughed aloud when he said that.  Death was something he couldn't help but catch.  Not tonight, though.  Tonight, he was alive.  And he would enjoy every minute of it.

"Hikou, come on."

"Iie." He opened his eyes and looked around him, smiling when he spotted the perfect spot from which to enjoy the storm, to fully relish the magnificence of nature.  "You go on," he told Kouji.  "Go find shelter, dry yourself off.  When the storm passes, I'll be right there." 

And without giving him another glance, Hikou ran from him, clambering up the stony slope to the large flat ledge that protruded out.  And when he reached that ledge, he stood upon its very lip; arms outspread, facing the storm that rolled in.  And he let it batter him; let it do its worst.  He wanted to feel everything he could before tomorrow night when he would feel no more.

Kouji's hands closed on his shoulders from behind.  "Hikou…" he whispered.

And he turned to the younger man.  And he looked at him.  His cobalt hair, plastered to his forehead, streams of water running from it, down over his face and his corded neck.  Raindrops beading on the soft curling hairs of his forearms.  The water purling on the skin of his chest, where his soaking wet shirt was open.  Hikou could feel his body's heat.  He could smell him.  And he realized all over again that he had only one more day to live.  To feel.

"Gomen nasai, Kouji," he whispered.  "I know it's wrong…"

"What is?"

He didn't answer.  Instead, he curled his hands around the nape of his rain soaked neck, and he kissed him.  Not the gentle timid kiss he'd given him before.  A real kiss.  Kouji's response was swift and sure.  His arms encircled the taller man's waist like satin chains, pulling his body hard and tight against his own.  His lips parted Hikou's, and his tongue pressed inside, licking and tasting every part of his mouth.  A deep moan seemed torn from the depths of the bandit.  And Hikou felt a fire he'd never felt before.  Heat sizzling through every part of his body that the younger man touched, and engulfing him utterly.

Kouji's mouth left his to trail a warm path over his jaw, down to his throat, and suckled him there, as if hungry for the taste of the older man's skin.

"Hai, Kouji," he whispered, though his voice had become coarse and raspy.  "It's wrong.  But it doesn't have to mean anything.  Just let me have this.  Just…this…"

Kouji parted the older man's tunic and pushed the wet fabric down one shoulder, kissed him there, nipped his skin gently, playfully.  And when he sank to his knees, he took Hikou down with him.