Phantom Feelings

Chapter 10

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

Kouji had got dressed and walked to the nearest cave to dry off as best he could.  When the sun peeked though the clouds, signifying the end of the rain, he returned to the spot where he had left Hikou. 

The older man had gone quiet, pulled himself into an invisible shell of some kind.  He'd put on his soaking wet clothes as if it were an everyday thing, and just sat on that stone where the bandit had made love to him.  His knees pulled tight to his chest, arms wrapped around them.  Eyes wide and glittering, but his gaze was turned inward.  He was deep in thought.  And damned if the younger man knew what he was thinking.  He wasn't even sure if he wanted to know.  Because the look in his eyes…it scared him.

Something had happened between the two of them on this ledge tonight.  Something that had never happened to Kouji before.  And he wished to Suzaku Hikou'd stick around long enough for him to find out exactly what it had been.

But he wouldn't.  The older man had made that clear enough.

Kouji touched his shoulder.  "Hikou, we oughta start heading back now."

The older man blinked and glanced up at him.  His smile, very slight and wavering, was unspeakably sad.  He got to his feet and walked at the bandit's side along the path back to the stronghold, and never said a word.  Not a word.  Kouji didn't know if Hikou regretted what they'd done tonight, or relished it.  Whether he wished he'd never met him now and detested him for having taken advantage of him, or whether the older man had changed his mind about leaving so soon.  He didn't know anything.

By the time they arrived back to the base, Hikou was shivering.  Goosebumps rose on his arms; Kouji could feel then when he touched the taller man.

Then Tasuki stepped into their path, between the front door and the stairway.  He opened his mouth to ask what had happened, concern in his eyes.

But Kouji spoke before he could.  "Daijobou.  Gen-chan, we got caught in the rain."  He whispered the words.  But his green eyes were on the man at his side, not on the man he spoke to.  His gaze skimmed the still damp column of Hikou's throat, and the place where his tunic dipped low on his chest.  His throat went dry.  "We just need to get dried up and warm."

Tasuki muttered a reply, but Kouji didn't hear what he said.  He moved past the redhead and up the stairs, Hikou following silently, and entered his room.  The bandit laid dry clothes on the bed and peeled the wet garments from his chilled body.  And yes, he looked at the older man as he did the same.  He couldn't not look at him.  Hikou was, quite simply, the most beautiful man he'd ever known.  And he did know him.  He knew the older man as well as he knew himself, though how that could be possible was beyond comprehension.  He'd always known Hikou.  He knew that his physical beauty was but a dim reflection of the beauty he held inside.  His heart, his soul, they were blinding in their charisma.

With a warm fluffy towel, Kouji rubbed himself dry and got dressed, Hikou doing the same.  And then, the older man walked over to the bed and proceeded to snuggle beneath the covers.  There was a pang of regret that twisted the bandit's insides into knots as he turned to leave Hikou.  So powerful that he turned back once more, to look at him as he slept.

"I don't know, Hikou," he whispered.  "I don't know what the hell this is…what the hell you are.  I don't know if I'm ready for it, and damned well don't know what to do about it.  I need time.  Dammit, why can't you just give me some time?"

Pushing both hands through his damp hair, Kouji thought again about turning away.  But instead, he crawled into that bed with Hikou and pulled him into his arms.  Dammit, he'd gone too far.  The bandit knew what this man wanted from him, and now probably thought he was going to get it.  Hikou probably thought the frantic, desperate way he'd made love to him tonight meant something…something more than it truly had.

He'd have to make Hikou understand that wasn't necessarily the case.  He'd have to tell the older man.  And that wasn't a blow he looked forward to delivering.  Kouji felt like the world's biggest baka as he leaned over and kissed Hikou's forehead.  Then his eyes slid closed.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Kouji barely slept.  Hikou, on the other hand, slept as if comatose.  The bandit lingered in his room all morning, dreading the moment when the older man would open his dark eyes, only to find the truth about last night in his own.  That it had been only physical.  Passion, yes.  An incredible passion between them.  But that was all.  It had to be all.  A man couldn't spend years incapable of feeling love, and then feel it overnight.  Even a man with a normal, undamaged heart couldn't fall in love so quickly.

But you've known Hikou a lot longer than that.

Kouji ignored the voice in his mind, his heart, and he ventured downstairs to wait for Hikou to join him.  But he didn't come down.  And Kouji could no longer stand the tension building in him as he waited for that moment when he'd look into his beautiful eyes again.  So like a coward, he ran.  He could talk to Hikou later.  Much later.

"You're not leaving…?"

"Yeah, I am," he told Tasuki, wishing for once he'd mind his own business the way Chichiri had been doing all morning.

"And what about Hikou?"

"What about him?"

"He hasn't come down all day.  Is he sick or something?  You guys did stay out all fucking night in that storm."

"He's not sick."  Kouji knew, too well, didn't he?  Hadn't he watched him during the night, and all through the morning?  Hadn't he run his hands over the satin skin of the older man's face and his silky hair?  There'd been no fever.  No reason to worry.  But he kept touching him anyway.  Like a drug he couldn't resist.

Kouji had to get the hell out of here.  He couldn't think.

"I have to go, Gen-chan."

"And when you get back, he'll be gone.  And then what the fuck will you do?" he said, scowling at his friend.

Kouji frowned as he held Tasuki's gaze.  The younger bandit stared right back at him, eyes blazing until Kouji finally looked down first.  "It doesn't matter."

"If you say so, Kouji, then I guess it doesn't, huh?  And here I thought I knew you."

But the older bandit turned to head out the door before Tasuki could say another word.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Hikou slept like he'd never slept before.  He barely remembered the walk back to the stronghold or getting into bed.  He knew it had happened, but he had been all contented, cozy, all wrapped in a soft, warm glow.  He'd never known love could be as it had been between him and Kouji.  And while he knew the bandit didn't love him…he had no regrets.  He'd have a precious memory to take with him when he left this world.  And perhaps Kouji would remember last night as well.  Perhaps, once in a while, he'd think of him, and smile.

Hikou came more fully awake, sat up in bed, and blinked at the brilliant sun shining down from high in the sky.  "Kuso!  It's so late!"

"Ohyao, no da.  You look…rested."

He swung his gaze around, facing Chichiri, a bit self-consciously, he supposed.  It was silly to think his old friend could see everything that had happened last night just by looking into his eyes, but that was the way he felt.  "I certainly slept like I had died, hadn't I?  What time is it, Houjun?  It's my last day here, I cannot waste it lying about in bed."

Chichiri smiled gently, and came further into the room.  "Nearly noon," he said.  "But you don't need to worry, no da.  You still have plenty of time to-"

"Iya, Houjun.  You don't understand.  It's my last day."  He pushed himself off the bed and reached for his tunic, which he had not put on last night after drying off.  "Where is Kouji?" he asked.  "I must talk to him."

The monk bit his lower lip and lowered his chin.

"What is it, Houjun?"

"It's just that…well, he had to leave."

Hikou blinked in response to what felt like a blow.  "He…he's gone?"

"He waited for you to wake up, but then he…left.   Tasuki tried to stop him, but Kouji didn't want to linger any longer than necessary, I guess.  Gomen nasai."

A sick feeling took shape in the pit of Hikou's stomach.  He battled a wave of tears, though they made no sense.  Why was he feeling such a bleakness of the soul?  Such a certainty that this was it…over.  The end.

"I know how you feel about him," Chichiri continued as he sat on the bed and pursed his lips.  "You came here to experience life again, with him.  And you managed to help him in ways that neither Tasuki nor I could.  You gave him reason to hope when he had lost faith in life."

"But he won't give me what I need, Houjun.  And I can't force him."  The former demon sank onto the bed as a wave of despair washed over him.

"You can't make a person feel something that isn't there, Hikou.  Demo, there is a place for you in his heart.  I know it.  With time-"

"Time is something I don't have, Houjun.  I already told you, three days and then I return to Mount Taikyoku.  I will be eternally separated from him, and quite possibly you as well because Taiitsukun will have found out my disobedience and ensure that I spend eternity alone as punishment."

Chichiri reached over and patted his friend's shoulder.  "She may be tough, but she isn't cruel, no da.  Whatever happens happens.  I trust that Suzaku will ensure that both you and Kouji will meet your fated ends, just as Tasuki and I had.  I certainly never expected myself to find my soul mate in a fiery bandit, na no da."

Hikou chuckled.  "Nor did I."

A moment of silence passed before the seishi sighed.  "I wonder what poor Kouran is thinking about all this."

"Probably hoping the same thing you are, that this will turn out all right in the end."

Chichiri looked at his old friend in shock.  "You mean she knew, no da?"

"Hai.  I confided in her before I saved Kouji in that storm."

The cerulean-haired monk shook his head.  "You always did have a hard time keeping secrets from her, didn't you, no da?"

Hikou laughed.  "I still remember how I accidentally blurted out that you were planning to propose to her."

"And she still managed to act surprised, for my sake, no da.  I had no idea though, until you confessed your mistake."

The former demon tilted his head.  "Did you really love her, Houjun?"

"I did…still do.  But that part of my life is gone now."  He sighed again and gave a sad smile as he met his friend's gaze.  "I have Tasuki now.  He can never replace Kouran in my heart, demo, he has helped in eliminating the loneliness in my soul.  You two had to die in order that I might meet my destiny as a seishi…and my true soul mate.  Even still, I'll never forget Kouran for as long as I will live."

"I know what you mean, Houjun.  I loved her too, but for entirely different reasons.  And ever since meeting Kouji, I feel that this is where I truly belong, even though I still love her…and you."  Hikou reached up and traced his finger along the edge of Chichiri's scar before leaning over and placing a chaste kiss on his friend's lips.

Chichiri was shocked at the action, but not because Hikou had kissed him.  "Hikou…"

"Don't worry, though.  I love Kouji, but you and Kouran will always have a special place in my heart.  Even if I'm separated from you guys for eternity."

Chichiri reached over and pulled his old friend into a tight embrace.  "Arigatou, Hikou.  But you know that I am right.  Things will work out for you."  He pulled away and stood.  "You'll see, no da."  And then, he left Hikou alone.

The dark-haired man blinked and swallowed hard.  He would be gone at midnight, despite his friend's hopes.  Kouji knew that too.  How could the bandit leave him on his last day?  Especially after last night, and…

Oh.  Well, maybe that was it.  The bandit was realizing what they'd done last night.  And maybe thinking he'd have expectations of the younger man now.  Perhaps Kouji thought the older man would be waiting for his declaration of undying love.  And this was his way of avoiding him.  Kouji didn't want to have to look him in the face when he told him that it wasn't even offered.  That last night had made no difference, had meant nothing to him.  That he still didn't love him.

Suzaku, what a baka.  Hikou already knew all of that.  He hadn't expected one night of passion to change the man's heart.  He'd only wanted to know physical love, only once and only with Kouji, before he died.  But he couldn't very well have told the bandit that, could he?

No.  So now the younger man had everything mixed up, and thought he had to avoid him.  And Hikou would end up spending his last day in this world all alone.  He battled his tears, but they came anyway.