Chapter 3:
Crais looked impassively at his reflection in the huge mirror. He was at least slightly relieved to discover that, while he might feel silly, he looked quite respectable. He had been seriously regretting bringing Carma aboard in the last few arns. The chief technician had been over Talyn's weapons with a fine tooth comb, but had at last reported back that his weapons were indeed disabled. Crais would have dearly loved to have remained there, but instead Carma had dragged him back down to the planet to attend the ball. There were few things that he wouldn't rather be doing instead.
Crais was ushered back to the court office, allegedly to await Carma but also, he believed, to be inspected. Fortunately it seemed that he reached their standards, which left him nothing to do but wait. He was left alone while the sovereign and his family went to formally open the ball. He walked slowly to the window and looked out at the land outside. The planet had two moons and the evening sky was a strange shade of pink. The land rolled away into the distance, lush and green. He was reminded strongly of Carma's home world, perhaps that was why she seemed to like it here so much.
He heard a noise behind him and turned quickly. He fought hard not to gape at the vision before him. His lips parted slightly despite his efforts. She looked fabulous.
She was wearing what was obviously the fashion in this culture. The dress was long, but split from the mid-thigh all around the skirt. The neckline was low and the design showed off every curve of her body. The dresses were obviously designed, Crais decided, to show off as much as possible of what a potential mate had to offer. Or possibly to make a male incapable of rational thought. Carma's certainly seemed to be doing an admirable job in his case.
"You look...wonderful," he said, trying to sound like he was in complete control.
"You look pretty good yourself," she replied smoothly. Her inner self rolled its eyes at her reticence. It had, after all, just used the word 'hot' seven times in one sentence.
"Shall we go in?" Crais asked uncertainly.
"Sure," Carma replied.
"I still will not dance," Crais said firmly.
"Okay," Carma said, too busy trying not to drool on him to argue. Crais, fortunately, misunderstood her silence.
***
Two arns later, Crais stood on one side of the great hall watching the dancers. Or, if he was honest, watching Carma. After their arrival, word had rapidly gone round that they were royal guests. It seemed that everyone wanted to be seen to support the sovereign, because just about every available man in the place seemed to have asked her to dance tonight. Fortunately for him, it seemed that dance invitations were considered a male's prerogative here. Since he made no offers, he could easily remain at the side. He was thoroughly uncomfortable in this situation, while Carma seemed to be in her element. He only hoped that it would soon be over.
Seeking some air, he slipped out onto a small balcony that he had noticed earlier. The thick curtains covering the entrance damped most of the sound coming from the ball room and, finally, he could be alone.
No sooner had he breathed a sigh of relief, than he heard the curtains rustle behind him and his shoulders dropped.
"Hiding out?" Carma asked.
Crais turned, relieved that it was her.
"I thought that you were occupied?" he said.
"I could use a rest," Carma said, "and I saw you disappear out here. Although, two arns, that's pretty impressive for you."
"Not everyone enjoys social occasions," Crais stated.
"I don't always enjoy them all that much," Carma said, "especially on this scale. My feet are aching terribly now and this dress..." she self-consciously tried to pull up the top of it, "I feel like I've been sent to market."
Crais smiled. "You look excellent though."
"So you told me earlier," Carma said with a smile.
"It is still true," Crais replied.
"Excellent enough to dance with me?"
"I will not dance."
"One time, what harm can it do? I promise I won't consider it a prelude to bonding," Carma said, rolling her eyes.
"I will not dance."
"Why not?"
"I...can't dance," Crais admitted. "Although I would not even if I knew how."
"I'll teach you one."
Crais sighed.
"It's only a slow dance, anyone can do it."
"Is that what they're doing in there?"
"Now they are, why do you think I wanted to escape? We used to do this on the planet I came from too. A slow dance isn't really a dance at all, it's an excuse to feel someone up."
Crais' head jerked up, Carma carried on oblivious.
"Which is great if you're seeing someone, but not so much fun if you end up dancing with a total stranger who thinks that they're at liberty to put their hands all over you whether you like it or not. Don't look so scared, I'm just trying to start slow with you."
Crais raised an eyebrow.
"Dancing," Carma said. "Starting slow with dancing. Come here."
Crais reluctantly gave in.
"Now you put your arms around me, I put my arms around you and we slowly move in a circle on the spot."
"That's it?" Crais asked.
"Well, like I said, it's not really a dance. You just have to vaguely look like you're dancing while you're doing it. In fact, come to think of it, it's really more like a mating ritual than a dance."
Crais looked up into the night sky while they were slowly moving, trying not to notice how good she smelled. This was ridiculous. Either he still believed in irreversible contamination, in which case he should not even be dancing with her, or he didn't and he should just admit that he wanted her. Maybe the problem was that he still clung to the theory and just couldn't accept that he didn't want to put it into practice. He didn't want a non-Sebacean, but he did want Carma. Unfortunately, he couldn't have both.
"Crais?" she said.
He looked down from the sky and into her face. A microt later they were kissing, neither having any idea quite how it had happened. Crais gave up all pretence of dancing, his attention firmly on the woman in his arms.
They slowly pulled away from each other. Before he had a chance to change his mind he said, "I want to be with you."
"What?" Carma said, obviously startled.
"I want to be with you," Crais repeated. "I will overcome my reservations in time, but I do not want to...deny my feelings for you."
Carma by this time had moved away to the other side of the balcony. She looked as if she was desperately trying to gather herself. "Crais...no, we can't."
"Why not?" he asked, taken aback by her reaction.
"Just because you want something doesn't mean that you automatically get it! I said before that we *each* had our reasons for not wanting us to be together. Just because you've decided to forget yours doesn't mean that mine is any less valid. Just because you want me doesn't mean that I want you!"
"I know that you do," Crais said seriously, moving closer.
"That's not the kind of want that I mean," Carma said, now looking uneasy as well as stunned. "Just because I'm attracted to you does not mean that I want us to get involved and I don't! There's just...there's a lot you still don't know and...I just can't, okay."
"I would like a more detailed explanation."
"Well you won't get one so don't bother asking," Carma said, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm going back to the ball."
She pushed her way through the curtain and back inside. Crais half wanted to pursue her and demand to know what was going on, but decided against it. The last thing he wanted was to cause a scene here and he could easily ask Carma again later that night. He was so completely confused by her contradictory actions that the ball was over in a flash.
***
Carma seemed subdued in the transport pod on their way back to Talyn. Crais assumed that she was still thinking about what had occurred between them earlier. He intended to question her as soon as they returned to Talyn. He didn't know what was going on, but he intended to find out. It seemed that there was at least one thing he still had to find out about Carma.
They headed down the corridor towards their respective quarters, Carma walking fast and not looking at him. Crais' longer stride meant that he quickly caught up with her and put an arm out to stop her.
To his shock she lashed out at him. Her blow almost winded him but it was the look in her eyes that scared him the most. He was used to her looking at him with laughter, irritation and concern...but not with fear.
And then it was gone. She looked back at him, eyes dull. "Just leave me alone," she said and started down the corridor again.
Crais stood stock still, watching her go. He wasn't sure quite how long he stood there, but the moment his feet started to work again he headed to her quarters. He could understand her wanting to avoid him, but he couldn't understand that look.
He activated the door controls as soon as he arrived. The doors opened. Whether she wanted him to come after her or had just forgotten to lock them Crais didn't know. He hoped it was the former. She was standing a little way into the room with her back to the door, not doing anything, maybe waiting for something. Crais walked up to her and put his hands on her shoulders.
She didn't hit him this time, but the moment he touched her she seemed to stiffen head to toe. He could almost feel the tension radiating from her. He removed his hands and folded them behind his back.
"Carma...I am sorry if my...actions earlier have upset you. I did not intend them to. I thought that...."
He broke off when he heard her sob. He moved round to face her, wanting to comfort her but suspecting that would do more harm than good.
"Carma, I...." he broke off, not knowing what he could possibly say.
"It's okay," she choked out, "it's not you."
The relief he felt at that was only momentary.
"Who is it?" he asked simply.
Carma avoided his eyes as she gained control over her tears. "After we...spoke on the balcony I went back to the ball. I spoke to a few people, and then the prince, Erane asked me to dance. Of course I said yes. Afterwards he suggested that we go somewhere more private. I tried to get out of it but he insisted and I didn't want to risk insulting anyone. One wrong move and they'll send us off and Talyn won't get fixed. So I went away with him. And, well, he...."
The tears began again. Crais felt white hot anger build up inside him. "I'll break his neck," he hissed.
"You can't do that!" Carma said. "Like I said, one wrong move and they'll send us off."
"You want to let him get away with what he did to you?"
"He tried, I fought him off. He didn't.... Anyway, no-one will believe me. He's the prince. There's nothing I can do."
"I cannot let that end it."
"Bialar, he knew I couldn't say anything, that's why he picked me. That's what people like that do. They look for the one who can't risk reporting it so they'll get away with it."
Crais suddenly looked hard at her. A cold feeling spread over his insides and he felt horribly like he might be sick. "This has...happened to you before, hasn't it?"
Carma didn't answer for a moment. Then she looked up at him. "You remember what I said about when they started giving me the drug? That the withdrawal was so painful that I was willing to do anything not to feel it again?"
"Yes."
"After about two cycles, I tried to get out. I...tried to find another source of the drug. I didn't want to be a spy anymore, I didn't like what I was becoming, but I knew that I couldn't survive without the drug. After about three monens...I found someone. I...went to see him, with all the currency I could get my hands on, and tried to buy a supply of the drug. He raped me," she said matter-of-factly. "He knew I couldn't do anything about it. He was a known dealer. If I'd reported it the government would have found out what I was trying to do and they either would have killed me or they would have found another way of insuring that I didn't defect."
"What?" Crais asked, trying to quieten his churning insides.
"They...implant two devices into you. One is a micro-recording device that's attached to your optic nerves. It records everything you see so they can spy on you. It's impossible to remove without blinding yourself completely. The second connects to the pain centres of your brain. You have to report back every monen to the training centre. They review your optical logs. If it is clear that you have done nothing to further their cause, or you have seen something that you have not reported, they activate the second device. A person will usually spend an average of twenty-seven arns in excruciating pain before the device overloads and destroys all synaptic functioning. The second device will activate automatically if it is not scanned so if you don't return for your check-up you die anyway. I would never have been able to escape."
Crais sat down heavily on the edge of her bed.
"I guess that should give you some idea why I'm so...hot and cold," Carma said, sitting down beside him. "I have feelings for you and I'd like to act on them but..." she shook her head, "I've been damaged, Crais and I'm not sure if that damage can ever be repaired."
She turned to him. "You won't say anything will you? We'll be out of here soon. It won't do any good to anyone if you do."
Crais struggled to suppress the anger inside him. "If you do not wish me to say anything I will keep your counsel. But I will not leave you alone with anyone and if he makes another attempt I will not turn a blind eye."
"Thank you," Carma replied gratefully.
"Will you be able to sleep tonight?" Crais asked.
"Probably not," Carma replied. "I'll see you in the galley in a few arns."
Crais smiled and left her alone.
Neither of them got much sleep that night.
Crais looked impassively at his reflection in the huge mirror. He was at least slightly relieved to discover that, while he might feel silly, he looked quite respectable. He had been seriously regretting bringing Carma aboard in the last few arns. The chief technician had been over Talyn's weapons with a fine tooth comb, but had at last reported back that his weapons were indeed disabled. Crais would have dearly loved to have remained there, but instead Carma had dragged him back down to the planet to attend the ball. There were few things that he wouldn't rather be doing instead.
Crais was ushered back to the court office, allegedly to await Carma but also, he believed, to be inspected. Fortunately it seemed that he reached their standards, which left him nothing to do but wait. He was left alone while the sovereign and his family went to formally open the ball. He walked slowly to the window and looked out at the land outside. The planet had two moons and the evening sky was a strange shade of pink. The land rolled away into the distance, lush and green. He was reminded strongly of Carma's home world, perhaps that was why she seemed to like it here so much.
He heard a noise behind him and turned quickly. He fought hard not to gape at the vision before him. His lips parted slightly despite his efforts. She looked fabulous.
She was wearing what was obviously the fashion in this culture. The dress was long, but split from the mid-thigh all around the skirt. The neckline was low and the design showed off every curve of her body. The dresses were obviously designed, Crais decided, to show off as much as possible of what a potential mate had to offer. Or possibly to make a male incapable of rational thought. Carma's certainly seemed to be doing an admirable job in his case.
"You look...wonderful," he said, trying to sound like he was in complete control.
"You look pretty good yourself," she replied smoothly. Her inner self rolled its eyes at her reticence. It had, after all, just used the word 'hot' seven times in one sentence.
"Shall we go in?" Crais asked uncertainly.
"Sure," Carma replied.
"I still will not dance," Crais said firmly.
"Okay," Carma said, too busy trying not to drool on him to argue. Crais, fortunately, misunderstood her silence.
***
Two arns later, Crais stood on one side of the great hall watching the dancers. Or, if he was honest, watching Carma. After their arrival, word had rapidly gone round that they were royal guests. It seemed that everyone wanted to be seen to support the sovereign, because just about every available man in the place seemed to have asked her to dance tonight. Fortunately for him, it seemed that dance invitations were considered a male's prerogative here. Since he made no offers, he could easily remain at the side. He was thoroughly uncomfortable in this situation, while Carma seemed to be in her element. He only hoped that it would soon be over.
Seeking some air, he slipped out onto a small balcony that he had noticed earlier. The thick curtains covering the entrance damped most of the sound coming from the ball room and, finally, he could be alone.
No sooner had he breathed a sigh of relief, than he heard the curtains rustle behind him and his shoulders dropped.
"Hiding out?" Carma asked.
Crais turned, relieved that it was her.
"I thought that you were occupied?" he said.
"I could use a rest," Carma said, "and I saw you disappear out here. Although, two arns, that's pretty impressive for you."
"Not everyone enjoys social occasions," Crais stated.
"I don't always enjoy them all that much," Carma said, "especially on this scale. My feet are aching terribly now and this dress..." she self-consciously tried to pull up the top of it, "I feel like I've been sent to market."
Crais smiled. "You look excellent though."
"So you told me earlier," Carma said with a smile.
"It is still true," Crais replied.
"Excellent enough to dance with me?"
"I will not dance."
"One time, what harm can it do? I promise I won't consider it a prelude to bonding," Carma said, rolling her eyes.
"I will not dance."
"Why not?"
"I...can't dance," Crais admitted. "Although I would not even if I knew how."
"I'll teach you one."
Crais sighed.
"It's only a slow dance, anyone can do it."
"Is that what they're doing in there?"
"Now they are, why do you think I wanted to escape? We used to do this on the planet I came from too. A slow dance isn't really a dance at all, it's an excuse to feel someone up."
Crais' head jerked up, Carma carried on oblivious.
"Which is great if you're seeing someone, but not so much fun if you end up dancing with a total stranger who thinks that they're at liberty to put their hands all over you whether you like it or not. Don't look so scared, I'm just trying to start slow with you."
Crais raised an eyebrow.
"Dancing," Carma said. "Starting slow with dancing. Come here."
Crais reluctantly gave in.
"Now you put your arms around me, I put my arms around you and we slowly move in a circle on the spot."
"That's it?" Crais asked.
"Well, like I said, it's not really a dance. You just have to vaguely look like you're dancing while you're doing it. In fact, come to think of it, it's really more like a mating ritual than a dance."
Crais looked up into the night sky while they were slowly moving, trying not to notice how good she smelled. This was ridiculous. Either he still believed in irreversible contamination, in which case he should not even be dancing with her, or he didn't and he should just admit that he wanted her. Maybe the problem was that he still clung to the theory and just couldn't accept that he didn't want to put it into practice. He didn't want a non-Sebacean, but he did want Carma. Unfortunately, he couldn't have both.
"Crais?" she said.
He looked down from the sky and into her face. A microt later they were kissing, neither having any idea quite how it had happened. Crais gave up all pretence of dancing, his attention firmly on the woman in his arms.
They slowly pulled away from each other. Before he had a chance to change his mind he said, "I want to be with you."
"What?" Carma said, obviously startled.
"I want to be with you," Crais repeated. "I will overcome my reservations in time, but I do not want to...deny my feelings for you."
Carma by this time had moved away to the other side of the balcony. She looked as if she was desperately trying to gather herself. "Crais...no, we can't."
"Why not?" he asked, taken aback by her reaction.
"Just because you want something doesn't mean that you automatically get it! I said before that we *each* had our reasons for not wanting us to be together. Just because you've decided to forget yours doesn't mean that mine is any less valid. Just because you want me doesn't mean that I want you!"
"I know that you do," Crais said seriously, moving closer.
"That's not the kind of want that I mean," Carma said, now looking uneasy as well as stunned. "Just because I'm attracted to you does not mean that I want us to get involved and I don't! There's just...there's a lot you still don't know and...I just can't, okay."
"I would like a more detailed explanation."
"Well you won't get one so don't bother asking," Carma said, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm going back to the ball."
She pushed her way through the curtain and back inside. Crais half wanted to pursue her and demand to know what was going on, but decided against it. The last thing he wanted was to cause a scene here and he could easily ask Carma again later that night. He was so completely confused by her contradictory actions that the ball was over in a flash.
***
Carma seemed subdued in the transport pod on their way back to Talyn. Crais assumed that she was still thinking about what had occurred between them earlier. He intended to question her as soon as they returned to Talyn. He didn't know what was going on, but he intended to find out. It seemed that there was at least one thing he still had to find out about Carma.
They headed down the corridor towards their respective quarters, Carma walking fast and not looking at him. Crais' longer stride meant that he quickly caught up with her and put an arm out to stop her.
To his shock she lashed out at him. Her blow almost winded him but it was the look in her eyes that scared him the most. He was used to her looking at him with laughter, irritation and concern...but not with fear.
And then it was gone. She looked back at him, eyes dull. "Just leave me alone," she said and started down the corridor again.
Crais stood stock still, watching her go. He wasn't sure quite how long he stood there, but the moment his feet started to work again he headed to her quarters. He could understand her wanting to avoid him, but he couldn't understand that look.
He activated the door controls as soon as he arrived. The doors opened. Whether she wanted him to come after her or had just forgotten to lock them Crais didn't know. He hoped it was the former. She was standing a little way into the room with her back to the door, not doing anything, maybe waiting for something. Crais walked up to her and put his hands on her shoulders.
She didn't hit him this time, but the moment he touched her she seemed to stiffen head to toe. He could almost feel the tension radiating from her. He removed his hands and folded them behind his back.
"Carma...I am sorry if my...actions earlier have upset you. I did not intend them to. I thought that...."
He broke off when he heard her sob. He moved round to face her, wanting to comfort her but suspecting that would do more harm than good.
"Carma, I...." he broke off, not knowing what he could possibly say.
"It's okay," she choked out, "it's not you."
The relief he felt at that was only momentary.
"Who is it?" he asked simply.
Carma avoided his eyes as she gained control over her tears. "After we...spoke on the balcony I went back to the ball. I spoke to a few people, and then the prince, Erane asked me to dance. Of course I said yes. Afterwards he suggested that we go somewhere more private. I tried to get out of it but he insisted and I didn't want to risk insulting anyone. One wrong move and they'll send us off and Talyn won't get fixed. So I went away with him. And, well, he...."
The tears began again. Crais felt white hot anger build up inside him. "I'll break his neck," he hissed.
"You can't do that!" Carma said. "Like I said, one wrong move and they'll send us off."
"You want to let him get away with what he did to you?"
"He tried, I fought him off. He didn't.... Anyway, no-one will believe me. He's the prince. There's nothing I can do."
"I cannot let that end it."
"Bialar, he knew I couldn't say anything, that's why he picked me. That's what people like that do. They look for the one who can't risk reporting it so they'll get away with it."
Crais suddenly looked hard at her. A cold feeling spread over his insides and he felt horribly like he might be sick. "This has...happened to you before, hasn't it?"
Carma didn't answer for a moment. Then she looked up at him. "You remember what I said about when they started giving me the drug? That the withdrawal was so painful that I was willing to do anything not to feel it again?"
"Yes."
"After about two cycles, I tried to get out. I...tried to find another source of the drug. I didn't want to be a spy anymore, I didn't like what I was becoming, but I knew that I couldn't survive without the drug. After about three monens...I found someone. I...went to see him, with all the currency I could get my hands on, and tried to buy a supply of the drug. He raped me," she said matter-of-factly. "He knew I couldn't do anything about it. He was a known dealer. If I'd reported it the government would have found out what I was trying to do and they either would have killed me or they would have found another way of insuring that I didn't defect."
"What?" Crais asked, trying to quieten his churning insides.
"They...implant two devices into you. One is a micro-recording device that's attached to your optic nerves. It records everything you see so they can spy on you. It's impossible to remove without blinding yourself completely. The second connects to the pain centres of your brain. You have to report back every monen to the training centre. They review your optical logs. If it is clear that you have done nothing to further their cause, or you have seen something that you have not reported, they activate the second device. A person will usually spend an average of twenty-seven arns in excruciating pain before the device overloads and destroys all synaptic functioning. The second device will activate automatically if it is not scanned so if you don't return for your check-up you die anyway. I would never have been able to escape."
Crais sat down heavily on the edge of her bed.
"I guess that should give you some idea why I'm so...hot and cold," Carma said, sitting down beside him. "I have feelings for you and I'd like to act on them but..." she shook her head, "I've been damaged, Crais and I'm not sure if that damage can ever be repaired."
She turned to him. "You won't say anything will you? We'll be out of here soon. It won't do any good to anyone if you do."
Crais struggled to suppress the anger inside him. "If you do not wish me to say anything I will keep your counsel. But I will not leave you alone with anyone and if he makes another attempt I will not turn a blind eye."
"Thank you," Carma replied gratefully.
"Will you be able to sleep tonight?" Crais asked.
"Probably not," Carma replied. "I'll see you in the galley in a few arns."
Crais smiled and left her alone.
Neither of them got much sleep that night.