Chapter 5:
"Okay, what do you say now?" Carma asked expectantly.
"It was as you described," Crais said, his tone making clear that this was all he would concede.
"In other words, I was right," Carma said, grinning. "Don't worry, I won't make you say it. However tempted I may be...."
Crais glared back at her.
***
"Crais?"
Her voice broke through his solitary reflection. He turned from the viewscreen as she came in.
"What is it?" he asked, his voice slightly rough at the late hour.
She came to stand beside him and looked out into space. "What happens if we can't fix Talyn? His instability I mean?"
Crais looked over at her. "Then we will have to shut down all his higher functions...permanently."
"Kill him."
Crais' shoulders dropped. "In effect."
Carma nodded. "What if I can't be fixed?"
Crais turned to her. "What?" he asked.
"Bialar I'm as unstable as Talyn is. Only difference is, I don't have guns," Carma said quietly.
"I'm sure that once your body has fully recovered from the drug...."
"It's not the drug Bialar," Carma said, shaking her head. "It's me. Maybe that triggered it, but now...it's a part of me. Sometimes I think that I'm getting better and then I hit another low patch. I can't control it and...and it's just getting worse. I don't know anymore if I'm even...capable of controlling my own life. I don't trust my own judgement and...I think I'm a danger to you."
"I do not believe that."
"No," Carma replied, shaking her head, "no-one ever does. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if someone else got inside my head. It's a scary place. I wouldn't want to live there...not if I didn't have to."
"Even from the little I know of you," Crais said, awkwardly, "I would judge that you have every reason to need some time to heal. Here you may take as much time as you wish. I am still attempting to recover from my time as a Peacekeeper and Talyn is trying to recover from being linked to me."
"I don't believe that you did him that much damage," Carma said.
"I have...seen the evidence of my influence on Talyn on numerous occasions," Crais said quietly.
"There's no-one alive who wouldn't have had some bad effect on him," Carma said. "Hang-ups, prejudices, imperfect values, regrets, irritations, dark moods - we all have them. The problem is that Talyn has been given more power to harm than wisdom to control it. That's not your fault."
"I created Talyn," Crais said bluntly. "It was my project that ultimately resulted in his creation. Therefore it is my fault."
"So maybe you didn't have the perspective you needed to understand what you were doing," Carma said. "Bialar, no matter how many mistakes you think you've made, I'll bet that I've made more."
"I...doubt that."
"Well take comfort, compared to me, you're perfectly together," Carma said wryly.
Crais self-consciously put an arm around her shoulders. To his surprise she leaned against his chest. "You will heal and so will Talyn...and I."
She looked up at him and Crais bent his head to kiss her. After a few microts she broke away.
"This is blezted, you know that right? It's not fair on you. I'm not fit to start anything...and I don't want to mess you around. Besides, you could do better."
"There is no-one else," Crais remarked seriously.
Her eyes moved away from his. "Except Aeryn."
Crais looked at her in surprise. Carma gave a half-smile back. "I heard Crichton say that he didn't care who you were 'shacked up' with as long as it wasn't Aeryn. It wasn't that hard to figure out what he meant."
"There has never been anything between us," Crais said. "I...did desire her for some time but shortly before we went to the command carrier I realised that there would never be a future for us."
"Because she loves Crichton."
"Because a relationship would not be...beneficial, for either of us."
"How so?" Carma asked, her forehead wrinkling.
Crais considered her question. "One...benefit that her relationship with Crichton seems to have had is that it has encouraged her to explore her more...emotional side. I believe that I would only encourage her to revert to her former ways. Our backgrounds are too similar. And I, also, would benefit from someone with...a different sphere of experience."
"So, what you're saying to me is that Crichton is your ideal match?"
Crais winced. "I would not have put it like that."
"You think you need someone who can show you a different perspective on the world?"
"In a sense."
"You know, Bialar, I can do that," Carma said, "but I can't guarantee that it will be one that you like."
"I am prepared to take that risk."
"Bialar there's a universe full of women out there who would love to show you whatever you wanted to see. I'm not the one for you," Carma said, moving out of his arms.
"Allow me to be the judge of that," Crais replied.
"Bialar, this is insane! We can't have anything. I know nothing about relationships, you know nothing about relationships and neither of us is exactly in a good position. We'll fight and we'll hurt each other and it will end with one of us throwing the other out of the nearest airlock."
"I will have the DRDs improve the locking mechanisms."
"Bialar, just...don't ask me to do this," Carma said, suddenly sounding tired. "I just can't give you what you need."
She walked out of the command, one hand pressed to her temple. Crais just stood and watched her leave.
***
"Have you made any progress?" Carma asked, feeling slightly uneasy. They had received a transmission from the genetics lab, asking Crais if he would be willing to donate another sample and, to Carma's surprise, he had gone. That left her alone on Talyn with the chief technician. She didn't exactly feel scared, but in her present mood she didn't feel able to cope with much. It had been almost a weeken since her late night talk with Crais, and relations between them had not been the best. She didn't blame him for wanting to avoid her, she would have willingly done the same if she had the choice.
"The results are already quite significant," the chief said, beaming. "There has been almost 50% regrowth and all the signs are excellent."
"Excellent," Carma replied half-heartedly, unwittingly repeating Crais' words. She was finding it hard to get enthusiastic over anything, especially technical repairs.
"Are you unhappy with the results?" the chief asked, looking worried.
"No, it looks great," Carma said, dredging up a smile from somewhere. "I'm just experiencing a few...personal problems."
The man nodded understandingly. "With your mate?"
"For the final time he is not my mate!" Carma exclaimed. "Never has been, never will be!"
"I apologise," the man said quickly, looking rather nervous. "I assumed...."
"Yes, I know. You assumed that, since we're travelling together we must be bonded. Well we're not. Frell, I just...."
"What?" the man asked cautiously, when she had been silent for a number of microts.
Carma shook her head. "Nothing," she said, "I'll let you get back to your work."
With that she strode out of command and back to her quarters, blinking back the tears that insisted on coming.
***
By the time evening came Carma had stopped being annoyed and started being worried. The chief had long since returned to his workshop on the planet, still enthusing over the success of his technology, but Crais had still not returned. They had reluctantly accepted an invitation to the bridal ball that night, knowing that they could not avoid another without causing offence, and she had no intention of setting foot in the court alone. Surely he couldn't still be at the lab? Deep down she knew he must have gone off as a result of what she had said. She couldn't believe how badly she had destroyed things. Crais and Talyn had saved her from so much. She needed them more than they could possibly knew but, at the same time, she didn't have the strength to build relationships with them. Another question came to her mind, what would she do if Crais refused to take her with them?
She knew that she had to go to the ball alone and hope that Crais would arrive. She hoped that he would forgive her. Without him and Talyn she'd have nothing.
***
Carma stood by the communications panel, cursing the ball dress she wore. She pulled again at the top as she punched in the code she had been given. A few moments later a face appeared on the viewscreen.
"How may I be of assistance?" the woman asked.
"My companion was at your lab earlier today and he hasn't returned to our ship. Do you know where he could be?" It was a long shot but she had to ask.
"I will enquire for you," the woman said cheerfully. Carma felt like strangling her. She'd had just about enough of these people's perky attitudes.
After what felt like a small ice age the woman returned. "Your companion left the lab at 1300 hours and mentioned something about purchasing some items for his ship," she said. "We have no other information I'm afraid."
Carma's head dropped. "Thank you," she said, and broke the transmission.
Forcing herself to keep moving, she headed for the ball. She would have to speak to the sovereign, he was the only one she knew who might be able to help her find Crais.
As she entered the ball room she tried to blend in as much as possible. To her dismay she saw Erane spot her and try to catch her eye. She made her way slowly to the other end of the room, where the sovereign and his mate were watching the proceedings.
"Sir...." she began as she approached.
"Ah," Tyrel said, noticing her, "one of our guests is now present. But where is your companion?"
"I'm afraid I don't know," Carma replied. "I realise that this is not the best time, but I must ask for your help to locate him. He donated some genetic samples at the national lab earlier today and he hasn't been heard of since. He gave no indication to me that he planned to be gone so long and I am worried."
The sovereign shifted in his seat. "As you say this is not the most opportune time, but we must help you if we can." He looked around and summoned a man who had been standing to one side, who approached rapidly.
"Did he give any indication of where he might have gone after that?" Tyrel inquired.
"The person I spoke to at the lab said that he mentioned purchasing some items," Carma replied.
"Ulrich," Tyrel said, adressing the man he had summonded, "please assist this young woman in contacting all the traders in Aloesha - that is the town nearest to the centre," he added, adressing Carma, "to enquire whether they have seen her companion."
The man gave a small bow. "At once."
Tyrel smiled. "Ulrich will give you whatever assistance you required. If there is more we can do, please let us know."
"Thank you," Carma said gratefully.
"I hope that this can easily be resolved."
Carma gave a weak smile and went with Ulrich, back to the same communications panel that she had been at. Ulrich produced what was obviously an identification chip of some kind. The panel suddenly sprung to life. After a few moments, he spoke.
"Here is a list of all the registered traders of Aloesha. It is not a large town, we should be able to contact each of them to determine if they have seen your companion."
"Will the trading posts be open at this hour?" Carma asked doutfully.
"All citizens are required to carry communicators at all times so they can be contacted," Ulrich replied stiffly.
"Right," Carma said, uncertainly, "let's get going."
They went through the entire list. Not one had served or noticed someone answering Crais' description.
"I would have seen him if he'd come in," the last shopkeeper added helpfully. "We don't get a lot of sebaceans around here."
"May I use this panel to contact my ship?" Carma asked, clinging to one last thread of hope.
Ulrich gave a stiff nod.
Carma sent a message to Talyn, asking Crais to respond if he was there. She got no response. Crais had simply disappeared.
"Thank you for your help," she told Ulrich, and followed him slowly back inside. She hardly noticed the buzz of activity in the room, too wrapped up in her own thoughts, until one sentence penetrated her consciousness.
"And here she is, my future mate, Raylani Carma."
That was the last thing she heard before she lost consciousness.
"Okay, what do you say now?" Carma asked expectantly.
"It was as you described," Crais said, his tone making clear that this was all he would concede.
"In other words, I was right," Carma said, grinning. "Don't worry, I won't make you say it. However tempted I may be...."
Crais glared back at her.
***
"Crais?"
Her voice broke through his solitary reflection. He turned from the viewscreen as she came in.
"What is it?" he asked, his voice slightly rough at the late hour.
She came to stand beside him and looked out into space. "What happens if we can't fix Talyn? His instability I mean?"
Crais looked over at her. "Then we will have to shut down all his higher functions...permanently."
"Kill him."
Crais' shoulders dropped. "In effect."
Carma nodded. "What if I can't be fixed?"
Crais turned to her. "What?" he asked.
"Bialar I'm as unstable as Talyn is. Only difference is, I don't have guns," Carma said quietly.
"I'm sure that once your body has fully recovered from the drug...."
"It's not the drug Bialar," Carma said, shaking her head. "It's me. Maybe that triggered it, but now...it's a part of me. Sometimes I think that I'm getting better and then I hit another low patch. I can't control it and...and it's just getting worse. I don't know anymore if I'm even...capable of controlling my own life. I don't trust my own judgement and...I think I'm a danger to you."
"I do not believe that."
"No," Carma replied, shaking her head, "no-one ever does. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if someone else got inside my head. It's a scary place. I wouldn't want to live there...not if I didn't have to."
"Even from the little I know of you," Crais said, awkwardly, "I would judge that you have every reason to need some time to heal. Here you may take as much time as you wish. I am still attempting to recover from my time as a Peacekeeper and Talyn is trying to recover from being linked to me."
"I don't believe that you did him that much damage," Carma said.
"I have...seen the evidence of my influence on Talyn on numerous occasions," Crais said quietly.
"There's no-one alive who wouldn't have had some bad effect on him," Carma said. "Hang-ups, prejudices, imperfect values, regrets, irritations, dark moods - we all have them. The problem is that Talyn has been given more power to harm than wisdom to control it. That's not your fault."
"I created Talyn," Crais said bluntly. "It was my project that ultimately resulted in his creation. Therefore it is my fault."
"So maybe you didn't have the perspective you needed to understand what you were doing," Carma said. "Bialar, no matter how many mistakes you think you've made, I'll bet that I've made more."
"I...doubt that."
"Well take comfort, compared to me, you're perfectly together," Carma said wryly.
Crais self-consciously put an arm around her shoulders. To his surprise she leaned against his chest. "You will heal and so will Talyn...and I."
She looked up at him and Crais bent his head to kiss her. After a few microts she broke away.
"This is blezted, you know that right? It's not fair on you. I'm not fit to start anything...and I don't want to mess you around. Besides, you could do better."
"There is no-one else," Crais remarked seriously.
Her eyes moved away from his. "Except Aeryn."
Crais looked at her in surprise. Carma gave a half-smile back. "I heard Crichton say that he didn't care who you were 'shacked up' with as long as it wasn't Aeryn. It wasn't that hard to figure out what he meant."
"There has never been anything between us," Crais said. "I...did desire her for some time but shortly before we went to the command carrier I realised that there would never be a future for us."
"Because she loves Crichton."
"Because a relationship would not be...beneficial, for either of us."
"How so?" Carma asked, her forehead wrinkling.
Crais considered her question. "One...benefit that her relationship with Crichton seems to have had is that it has encouraged her to explore her more...emotional side. I believe that I would only encourage her to revert to her former ways. Our backgrounds are too similar. And I, also, would benefit from someone with...a different sphere of experience."
"So, what you're saying to me is that Crichton is your ideal match?"
Crais winced. "I would not have put it like that."
"You think you need someone who can show you a different perspective on the world?"
"In a sense."
"You know, Bialar, I can do that," Carma said, "but I can't guarantee that it will be one that you like."
"I am prepared to take that risk."
"Bialar there's a universe full of women out there who would love to show you whatever you wanted to see. I'm not the one for you," Carma said, moving out of his arms.
"Allow me to be the judge of that," Crais replied.
"Bialar, this is insane! We can't have anything. I know nothing about relationships, you know nothing about relationships and neither of us is exactly in a good position. We'll fight and we'll hurt each other and it will end with one of us throwing the other out of the nearest airlock."
"I will have the DRDs improve the locking mechanisms."
"Bialar, just...don't ask me to do this," Carma said, suddenly sounding tired. "I just can't give you what you need."
She walked out of the command, one hand pressed to her temple. Crais just stood and watched her leave.
***
"Have you made any progress?" Carma asked, feeling slightly uneasy. They had received a transmission from the genetics lab, asking Crais if he would be willing to donate another sample and, to Carma's surprise, he had gone. That left her alone on Talyn with the chief technician. She didn't exactly feel scared, but in her present mood she didn't feel able to cope with much. It had been almost a weeken since her late night talk with Crais, and relations between them had not been the best. She didn't blame him for wanting to avoid her, she would have willingly done the same if she had the choice.
"The results are already quite significant," the chief said, beaming. "There has been almost 50% regrowth and all the signs are excellent."
"Excellent," Carma replied half-heartedly, unwittingly repeating Crais' words. She was finding it hard to get enthusiastic over anything, especially technical repairs.
"Are you unhappy with the results?" the chief asked, looking worried.
"No, it looks great," Carma said, dredging up a smile from somewhere. "I'm just experiencing a few...personal problems."
The man nodded understandingly. "With your mate?"
"For the final time he is not my mate!" Carma exclaimed. "Never has been, never will be!"
"I apologise," the man said quickly, looking rather nervous. "I assumed...."
"Yes, I know. You assumed that, since we're travelling together we must be bonded. Well we're not. Frell, I just...."
"What?" the man asked cautiously, when she had been silent for a number of microts.
Carma shook her head. "Nothing," she said, "I'll let you get back to your work."
With that she strode out of command and back to her quarters, blinking back the tears that insisted on coming.
***
By the time evening came Carma had stopped being annoyed and started being worried. The chief had long since returned to his workshop on the planet, still enthusing over the success of his technology, but Crais had still not returned. They had reluctantly accepted an invitation to the bridal ball that night, knowing that they could not avoid another without causing offence, and she had no intention of setting foot in the court alone. Surely he couldn't still be at the lab? Deep down she knew he must have gone off as a result of what she had said. She couldn't believe how badly she had destroyed things. Crais and Talyn had saved her from so much. She needed them more than they could possibly knew but, at the same time, she didn't have the strength to build relationships with them. Another question came to her mind, what would she do if Crais refused to take her with them?
She knew that she had to go to the ball alone and hope that Crais would arrive. She hoped that he would forgive her. Without him and Talyn she'd have nothing.
***
Carma stood by the communications panel, cursing the ball dress she wore. She pulled again at the top as she punched in the code she had been given. A few moments later a face appeared on the viewscreen.
"How may I be of assistance?" the woman asked.
"My companion was at your lab earlier today and he hasn't returned to our ship. Do you know where he could be?" It was a long shot but she had to ask.
"I will enquire for you," the woman said cheerfully. Carma felt like strangling her. She'd had just about enough of these people's perky attitudes.
After what felt like a small ice age the woman returned. "Your companion left the lab at 1300 hours and mentioned something about purchasing some items for his ship," she said. "We have no other information I'm afraid."
Carma's head dropped. "Thank you," she said, and broke the transmission.
Forcing herself to keep moving, she headed for the ball. She would have to speak to the sovereign, he was the only one she knew who might be able to help her find Crais.
As she entered the ball room she tried to blend in as much as possible. To her dismay she saw Erane spot her and try to catch her eye. She made her way slowly to the other end of the room, where the sovereign and his mate were watching the proceedings.
"Sir...." she began as she approached.
"Ah," Tyrel said, noticing her, "one of our guests is now present. But where is your companion?"
"I'm afraid I don't know," Carma replied. "I realise that this is not the best time, but I must ask for your help to locate him. He donated some genetic samples at the national lab earlier today and he hasn't been heard of since. He gave no indication to me that he planned to be gone so long and I am worried."
The sovereign shifted in his seat. "As you say this is not the most opportune time, but we must help you if we can." He looked around and summoned a man who had been standing to one side, who approached rapidly.
"Did he give any indication of where he might have gone after that?" Tyrel inquired.
"The person I spoke to at the lab said that he mentioned purchasing some items," Carma replied.
"Ulrich," Tyrel said, adressing the man he had summonded, "please assist this young woman in contacting all the traders in Aloesha - that is the town nearest to the centre," he added, adressing Carma, "to enquire whether they have seen her companion."
The man gave a small bow. "At once."
Tyrel smiled. "Ulrich will give you whatever assistance you required. If there is more we can do, please let us know."
"Thank you," Carma said gratefully.
"I hope that this can easily be resolved."
Carma gave a weak smile and went with Ulrich, back to the same communications panel that she had been at. Ulrich produced what was obviously an identification chip of some kind. The panel suddenly sprung to life. After a few moments, he spoke.
"Here is a list of all the registered traders of Aloesha. It is not a large town, we should be able to contact each of them to determine if they have seen your companion."
"Will the trading posts be open at this hour?" Carma asked doutfully.
"All citizens are required to carry communicators at all times so they can be contacted," Ulrich replied stiffly.
"Right," Carma said, uncertainly, "let's get going."
They went through the entire list. Not one had served or noticed someone answering Crais' description.
"I would have seen him if he'd come in," the last shopkeeper added helpfully. "We don't get a lot of sebaceans around here."
"May I use this panel to contact my ship?" Carma asked, clinging to one last thread of hope.
Ulrich gave a stiff nod.
Carma sent a message to Talyn, asking Crais to respond if he was there. She got no response. Crais had simply disappeared.
"Thank you for your help," she told Ulrich, and followed him slowly back inside. She hardly noticed the buzz of activity in the room, too wrapped up in her own thoughts, until one sentence penetrated her consciousness.
"And here she is, my future mate, Raylani Carma."
That was the last thing she heard before she lost consciousness.