Chapter Nine: The Battle of Helman's Deep!
Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will, everyone knows it, so quit asking
As of 6/18/02: SCHOOL'S OVER! SCHOOL'S OVER! SCHOOL'S OVER! YAAAAAY! *turns several gymnast-quality cartwheels*
A/N: These next two chapters are really much funnier if you've heard the rumors about the fates of Legolas, Gimli, and Arwen at Helm's Deep in the second movie…the ones we've heard, anyway…I'll post a review with the rumors so you can read that, if you choose to do so, but *DON'T*, I REPEAT, DO *NOT* ASK ME ABOUT THE RUMORS IN YOUR REVIEWS! THEY'RE JUST *RUMORS*! NOT MY FAULT! I AM JUST A POOR SIMPLE RECIPIENT OF ILL-FATED NEWS AND TOLKIEN SLANDER! *runs away screaming about poor Legolas and Gimli and that bitch Arwen and something about burning Peter Jackson in effigy if he really does go through with this*
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"So where exactly are we going?" Pippin asked. He and Merry were with a troop of FBI Ents, heading for…well, Moss Man will tell us that.
"We're off on 'government business' to Isengard," Moss Man said, followed by a lot of 'froom-froom' business. But it's unimportant and stupid and boring, so let's go back to the happy running people!
***
…who were happily running towards Isengard to stop the power of Saruman!
L: *WHAM!* Bad J! They had to go to Helman's Deep first!
J: What? Wait-
L: *WHAM!* Quiet!
J: OW! I was getting there! That HURTS…anyway…
Of course, Gimli was sharing a horse with Legolas, and Aragorn and Gandalf each had their own horses. Gimli was wearing his golden trashcan on his head.
They were riding over the hills to Isengard with the Riders of Rohan, when Théoden rode up alongside Gandalf and Aragorn. "I'll make you an offer you cannot refuse," Théoden said. Gandalf and Aragorn shot quick glances at each other. "Yes?" Gandalf asked.
"You must go to Helman's Deep and protect it. Mayonnaise is very much desired in these parts. We horde it. You must, or we'll kill you," Théoden said. Legolas put his head in his hands and cursed an entire civilization's worth in Elvish. Aragorn nearly fell of his horse. He looked to Gandalf for help, but the wizard was whistling and looking away. "FINE!" Aragorn shouted in exasperation.
Théoden smiled. "I am glad to see you are such a wise young man."
***
They rode on for a while until they reached Helman's Deep, also apparently called the Hummbug and Helman's Gate. "How do you know that?" Gimli asked. "Look at the signs," Aragorn said. They were greeted by a lot of guys waiting around for something to do.
"We're awaiting battle," one of them explained. "And we're getting pretty bored." …Great…
Suddenly, a lookout dude started jumping around, screaming: "There's an arrow in my head! There's an arrow in my head!" The warriors all flew into a panic, but the guy with the arrow in his head started laughing. "Fooled you!" he shouted, pulling the arrow headband off his head. A moment later, a REAL arrow smashed through the back of his head, the point and a bit of the shaft sticking out of his forehead. "Oh, f-" the guy started, then fell over and died.
A new song came wafting over the hills, just like the smell of the approaching creatures:
"The orcs go marching eight by eight, hurrah! Hurrah! The orcs go marching eight by eight, hurrah! Hurrah! The orcs go marching eight by eight, they'll go kick @$$ at Helman's Gate, so we all go falling down! To the ground! And we're in! Lots of pain!
-Bum bum bum bum-"
Of course, they only sang that verse over and over again because they couldn't rhyme well, if you couldn't tell.
"You are completely outnumbered!" a random orc yelled up at the Rohirrim. "Surrender your condiments!"
"Never!" Aragorn yelled, drawing his sword and pointing it dramatically. "We will defend the mayonnaise to the very bitter end!"
The Rohirrim snickered. Aragorn looked around fiercely. "What? Why is that so damn funny?!"
"You know…condiments…mayonnaise…" one Rider said, trying to explain the joke without coming out and saying it, even though it would have been ok since this is a PG-13 fic and everyone should know what we mean if they're over 13 and if they don't, I'm sorry, but they've led a very sheltered life. "CONDIMents…"
"I don't get it…" Aragorn said, a looked of confusion across his now non- stubbly face.
"BITTER END…SWORD…MAYONNAISE"
"……………*blink blink* Don't follow."
"POINTED…MAYONNAISE…CONDIMENTS…MAYONNAISE…oh, I give up, you're hopeless!" the Rider said. Aragorn shrugged and went back to being dramatic. "Anyway…to the bitter end!"
"Fine!" The orcs all drew their weapons, and suddenly, the 500 (give or take) Rohirrim and four idiots found several thousand sharp, shiny weapons pointed in their general direction. Aragorn dropped his sword and backed away from the edge.
"Come on, guys…can't you take a little joke?"
"No sense of humor! CHARGE!"
The orcs started swarming up the edge of the wall. The Rohirrim started throwing anything they could to keep the orcs down…rocks, arrows, weapons, chickens-
"AAAAA!" Gimli screamed as a Rohirrim picked him up. "Not me, NOT ME!"
"Oops." The Rohirrim dumped him on his head and picked up a rock to throw at the approaching orcs.
For some reason (sadistic authors), all this rock-arrow-weapon-chicken- dwarf-tossing didn't daunt the orcs. They kept climbing up the walls, fueled by the white powder of wonder.
Crackheads: WHAA??
SUGAR, you fools! Now, back to the battle…
"HEY!" someone yelled up over the side of the wall. Aragorn looked over the side, narrowly avoided an arrow, and saw Arwen standing behind the orc lines with a bunch of warrior Elves dressed up like samurai.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE????!!!!" he screamed. "WHAT DOES IT MATTER?!" Legolas shouted at Aragorn. "ARWEN, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS AN IDIOT! HELP US!" the same Elf shouted at Arwen.
"How do you know she came to help us?" Aragorn asked. Gimli suddenly popped up and said, "If she didn't want to help us, why did she bring all those warriors?" Legolas nodded in agreement. "She could want to kill us," Aragorn said with a shrug. "You mean YOU," Gimli grumbled.
Meanwhile, Arwen and the Elves were busy kicking some orc @$$, quickly making their way to the Gate. "Estel?…" Arwen said sweetly as she snuck up behind him. "Y-yes, Arwen?" Aragorn answered sheepishly, turning to face her.
"If this is an unsuccessful battle, Estel," Arwen growled, grabbing Aragorn by the collar roughly, "for every injured Elf Samurai, Atar's going to punch you in the face." She released him and Aragorn blinked. "Golly gosh, Batman!" Gimli said randomly. They all turned and stared at him. Gimli shrugged his shoulders, grabbed his ax, and walked away. "Well…" Legolas said.
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Sample of Next Chapter: THIS Is Why There Was No Post-Battle Party!
So everyone ran around, screaming and hitting everyone around them with swords, axes, rocks, and other people. Why, might you ask?
Because one of the men stood up on top of the frickin' wall and shouted, "If I have to die in battle, I suggest we all start out with a friendly game of 'Grab-Ass'!" This caused everyone to look quizzically at their comrades, and then freak out.
Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will, everyone knows it, so quit asking
As of 6/18/02: SCHOOL'S OVER! SCHOOL'S OVER! SCHOOL'S OVER! YAAAAAY! *turns several gymnast-quality cartwheels*
A/N: These next two chapters are really much funnier if you've heard the rumors about the fates of Legolas, Gimli, and Arwen at Helm's Deep in the second movie…the ones we've heard, anyway…I'll post a review with the rumors so you can read that, if you choose to do so, but *DON'T*, I REPEAT, DO *NOT* ASK ME ABOUT THE RUMORS IN YOUR REVIEWS! THEY'RE JUST *RUMORS*! NOT MY FAULT! I AM JUST A POOR SIMPLE RECIPIENT OF ILL-FATED NEWS AND TOLKIEN SLANDER! *runs away screaming about poor Legolas and Gimli and that bitch Arwen and something about burning Peter Jackson in effigy if he really does go through with this*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"So where exactly are we going?" Pippin asked. He and Merry were with a troop of FBI Ents, heading for…well, Moss Man will tell us that.
"We're off on 'government business' to Isengard," Moss Man said, followed by a lot of 'froom-froom' business. But it's unimportant and stupid and boring, so let's go back to the happy running people!
***
…who were happily running towards Isengard to stop the power of Saruman!
L: *WHAM!* Bad J! They had to go to Helman's Deep first!
J: What? Wait-
L: *WHAM!* Quiet!
J: OW! I was getting there! That HURTS…anyway…
Of course, Gimli was sharing a horse with Legolas, and Aragorn and Gandalf each had their own horses. Gimli was wearing his golden trashcan on his head.
They were riding over the hills to Isengard with the Riders of Rohan, when Théoden rode up alongside Gandalf and Aragorn. "I'll make you an offer you cannot refuse," Théoden said. Gandalf and Aragorn shot quick glances at each other. "Yes?" Gandalf asked.
"You must go to Helman's Deep and protect it. Mayonnaise is very much desired in these parts. We horde it. You must, or we'll kill you," Théoden said. Legolas put his head in his hands and cursed an entire civilization's worth in Elvish. Aragorn nearly fell of his horse. He looked to Gandalf for help, but the wizard was whistling and looking away. "FINE!" Aragorn shouted in exasperation.
Théoden smiled. "I am glad to see you are such a wise young man."
***
They rode on for a while until they reached Helman's Deep, also apparently called the Hummbug and Helman's Gate. "How do you know that?" Gimli asked. "Look at the signs," Aragorn said. They were greeted by a lot of guys waiting around for something to do.
"We're awaiting battle," one of them explained. "And we're getting pretty bored." …Great…
Suddenly, a lookout dude started jumping around, screaming: "There's an arrow in my head! There's an arrow in my head!" The warriors all flew into a panic, but the guy with the arrow in his head started laughing. "Fooled you!" he shouted, pulling the arrow headband off his head. A moment later, a REAL arrow smashed through the back of his head, the point and a bit of the shaft sticking out of his forehead. "Oh, f-" the guy started, then fell over and died.
A new song came wafting over the hills, just like the smell of the approaching creatures:
"The orcs go marching eight by eight, hurrah! Hurrah! The orcs go marching eight by eight, hurrah! Hurrah! The orcs go marching eight by eight, they'll go kick @$$ at Helman's Gate, so we all go falling down! To the ground! And we're in! Lots of pain!
-Bum bum bum bum-"
Of course, they only sang that verse over and over again because they couldn't rhyme well, if you couldn't tell.
"You are completely outnumbered!" a random orc yelled up at the Rohirrim. "Surrender your condiments!"
"Never!" Aragorn yelled, drawing his sword and pointing it dramatically. "We will defend the mayonnaise to the very bitter end!"
The Rohirrim snickered. Aragorn looked around fiercely. "What? Why is that so damn funny?!"
"You know…condiments…mayonnaise…" one Rider said, trying to explain the joke without coming out and saying it, even though it would have been ok since this is a PG-13 fic and everyone should know what we mean if they're over 13 and if they don't, I'm sorry, but they've led a very sheltered life. "CONDIMents…"
"I don't get it…" Aragorn said, a looked of confusion across his now non- stubbly face.
"BITTER END…SWORD…MAYONNAISE"
"……………*blink blink* Don't follow."
"POINTED…MAYONNAISE…CONDIMENTS…MAYONNAISE…oh, I give up, you're hopeless!" the Rider said. Aragorn shrugged and went back to being dramatic. "Anyway…to the bitter end!"
"Fine!" The orcs all drew their weapons, and suddenly, the 500 (give or take) Rohirrim and four idiots found several thousand sharp, shiny weapons pointed in their general direction. Aragorn dropped his sword and backed away from the edge.
"Come on, guys…can't you take a little joke?"
"No sense of humor! CHARGE!"
The orcs started swarming up the edge of the wall. The Rohirrim started throwing anything they could to keep the orcs down…rocks, arrows, weapons, chickens-
"AAAAA!" Gimli screamed as a Rohirrim picked him up. "Not me, NOT ME!"
"Oops." The Rohirrim dumped him on his head and picked up a rock to throw at the approaching orcs.
For some reason (sadistic authors), all this rock-arrow-weapon-chicken- dwarf-tossing didn't daunt the orcs. They kept climbing up the walls, fueled by the white powder of wonder.
Crackheads: WHAA??
SUGAR, you fools! Now, back to the battle…
"HEY!" someone yelled up over the side of the wall. Aragorn looked over the side, narrowly avoided an arrow, and saw Arwen standing behind the orc lines with a bunch of warrior Elves dressed up like samurai.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE????!!!!" he screamed. "WHAT DOES IT MATTER?!" Legolas shouted at Aragorn. "ARWEN, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS AN IDIOT! HELP US!" the same Elf shouted at Arwen.
"How do you know she came to help us?" Aragorn asked. Gimli suddenly popped up and said, "If she didn't want to help us, why did she bring all those warriors?" Legolas nodded in agreement. "She could want to kill us," Aragorn said with a shrug. "You mean YOU," Gimli grumbled.
Meanwhile, Arwen and the Elves were busy kicking some orc @$$, quickly making their way to the Gate. "Estel?…" Arwen said sweetly as she snuck up behind him. "Y-yes, Arwen?" Aragorn answered sheepishly, turning to face her.
"If this is an unsuccessful battle, Estel," Arwen growled, grabbing Aragorn by the collar roughly, "for every injured Elf Samurai, Atar's going to punch you in the face." She released him and Aragorn blinked. "Golly gosh, Batman!" Gimli said randomly. They all turned and stared at him. Gimli shrugged his shoulders, grabbed his ax, and walked away. "Well…" Legolas said.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sample of Next Chapter: THIS Is Why There Was No Post-Battle Party!
So everyone ran around, screaming and hitting everyone around them with swords, axes, rocks, and other people. Why, might you ask?
Because one of the men stood up on top of the frickin' wall and shouted, "If I have to die in battle, I suggest we all start out with a friendly game of 'Grab-Ass'!" This caused everyone to look quizzically at their comrades, and then freak out.