Chapter Ten: THIS Is Why There Was No Post-Battle Party!
Disclaimer: We COULD own something, someday, if we put our minds to it and set goals and work hard…but right now, we'd rather write this pointless story we'll never have a chance of owning.
A/N: For no good reason, I went to the bios of everyone who has left at least one signed review to see if we are on their favorites list (L, you're a writer, so you don't count). I just want to take a moment to recognize everyone I know of who has added 'The (mis)Adventures of Frodo and the Boys!' or 'Welcome to NYC!' to their favorites thus far, because as far as I'm concerned, that's the ultimate kiss-up (Couldn't have done it without you, you brown-nosing, wanna-be minions, you. And I mean that in a good way). So, here they are. The ones I could find, at least:
Jeyhawk, Angare, blondie, Midnight Sky, LOTRwriter, ElfGirls, and Melloth89
I don't know why I wasted Internet time doing that…but thank you all anyway!
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Battle, battle, battle; pain, pain, pain; blood, blood, blood; redundance, redundance, redundance.
So everyone ran around, screaming and hitting everyone around them with swords, axes, rocks, and other people. Why, might you ask?
Because one of the men stood up on top of the frickin' wall and shouted, "If I have to die in battle, I suggest we all start out with a friendly game of 'Grab-Ass'!" This caused everyone to look quizzically at their comrades, and then freak out.
Arwen did not share in this wonder of poorly-used masculinity, as she wouldn't have minded playing. She was the only woman there.
L: Can I call her a woman? It implies her to be a Man, but she's an Elf…
J:…………*blinks* You lost me.
L: Well, it would mean she's a Man.
J: ARWEN is a man?!
Arwen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
L: No, I mean of the Race of Men!
Arwen: *about to beat J's face into a bloody pulp* Oh. Well, no. I'm an Elf. A FEMALE Elf.
L: WHY couldn't he just have used 'humans'?
J: What?! I could SO kick her ass!
L: THAT'S ENOUGH!
Arwen sat around watching the misguided and utterly idiotic men for a few moments as they all tried not to get their asses grabbed (consequentially, they were all so busy trying to protect their asses that no one was trying to actually grab them), filing her nails into wicked-looking claws, but then yelled "STOP!"
All the men stopped dead in their tracks. Arwen stood regally and glared at them with her eeeeeeeee-vil, soulless eyes.
"I'm going home!" she announced. "Estel, I'll see you in the third book!" She blew him a kiss, then disappeared with a flash of lightning and a cloud of eeeeeeeee-vil looking, eeeeeeeee-vil smelling red and black (yes! It was TWO colors!) smoke. Aragorn shuddered. "I hate it when she does that…"
All the men stood up and brushed themselves off, realized they had won the battle and were not yet dead, and so, began to celebrate their victory in all their macho-glory.
"YAAAAAAAY!" Everyone dumped a huge tankard of ale on Théoden.
"AH!" Théoden tried to shake off his arms. "And this was designer Armani armor, too…I was forced to pay an arm and a leg for this…not my own, of course, but…"
"Aw, buck up there, Horsey Guy!" Gimli was drinking ale from his golden trashcan. "We won!"
"And we didn't die!" Legolas said, giving Gimli a high-five. They both did a little dance (Oh, get that image out of your head! I can see it: I KNOW what you're thinking…that's just vile…), while singing the first verse of The Song of Canon Righteousness: "Justice has prevailed! Tolkien be hailed! We have been saved! Peter Jackson is depraved!"
Only Gandalf didn't participate in this display of macho-glory. He stood off to the side, tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for everyone to finish getting smashed so they could continue whatever fruitless quest they happened to currently be on.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf…" Aragorn came swaggering up to Gandalf, obviously WAAAAAAAY beyond drunk, with a tankard of ale in his hand. "You waaaaaaaaaaaant sooooooooooome?"
"NO MORE DRINKING!" Gandalf yelled, and with a POOF! everyone's ale vanished.
"So wha da we do now?" one of the Rohirrim asked. "Well, we still gotta go to Isengard…" Another Rohirrim said, smacking his copy of the script with the back of his hand.
"ROADTRIP!" Everybody (minus Gandalf) shouted, and went and got their horses. Gandalf grumbled (more alliteration!) behind them.
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, to Isengard we go!" they all sang. Unfortunately, they couldn't whistle. Legolas and Gimli, still stuck riding the same horse, were getting tired of each other. "If we don't get you a separate horse, Gimli, your weight will crush this one," Legolas said. "I'd cut your hair, you rat, but I believe that at its current length I may miss and take your head off!" Gimli retorted. Legolas just rolled his eyes.
So, they rode along…
Still riding…
Lots of riding…
Oh! They're camping!…
And now they're riding…
"Stop!"
Oh. They were at Fangorn! By means of literary magic and a good deal of non- stop riding, they were at Fangorn, which was a forest. There were trees.
"Well, this is odd…" Gandalf said, looking at the trees. Gimli shrieked and Legolas fell off the horse, and Aragorn just sort of stared, as was his inclination. The trees were walking around, holding plastic signs. "I…what…how…?" Legolas asked, not finishing any of his questions.
"They're Ents!" Gandalf exclaimed in exasperation. "What do the signs say?" Gimli asked. "They say 'DOWN WITH SARUMAN' and "ISENGARD=EVIL'," Gandalf said, turning to look at the others. "They must be going our way!"
Gandalf tugged on Shadowfax's reins and said, "We must continue to Isengard!" All the guys cried and shouted that they didn't want to go. Gandalf waved his staff, and suddenly, everyone's clothes were covered with…Barbie-pink polka-dots.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Everyone ran around screaming, trying to get the horrible polka-dots off their clothes.
"GANDALF!" Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli ran up to Gandalf. "I COMMAND YOU TO REMOVE THESE POLKA-DOTS!"
"I think…no," Gandalf said. "At least not until we get to Isengard."
"You sick evil senile old…" Legolas muttered.
"You watch your mouth, young man!" Gandalf whacked Legolas over the head with his staff, then mounted Shadowfax. Everyone grudgingly mounted their own horses and followed him, grumbling about how their clothes didn't match their swords anymore.
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Sample of next chapter: Fun With Megaphones!
Just then, an Ent ran by screaming, its branches aflame. Following a little ways behind were Théoden and Gandalf, trying to act casual. "Mister Moss Man?" Gandalf began. "YES?" Moss Man responded through his megaphone. "We must speak with you," Théoden said. "I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW." Théoden pulled out the Zippo again, and Moss Man stopped.
"ZIGGY!" Moss Man said to another Ent (still using the megaphones…). "YES?" "WATCH MY POST FOR A BIT." "10-4." Moss Man was about to set his megaphone down when Gandalf got fussy.
Disclaimer: We COULD own something, someday, if we put our minds to it and set goals and work hard…but right now, we'd rather write this pointless story we'll never have a chance of owning.
A/N: For no good reason, I went to the bios of everyone who has left at least one signed review to see if we are on their favorites list (L, you're a writer, so you don't count). I just want to take a moment to recognize everyone I know of who has added 'The (mis)Adventures of Frodo and the Boys!' or 'Welcome to NYC!' to their favorites thus far, because as far as I'm concerned, that's the ultimate kiss-up (Couldn't have done it without you, you brown-nosing, wanna-be minions, you. And I mean that in a good way). So, here they are. The ones I could find, at least:
Jeyhawk, Angare, blondie, Midnight Sky, LOTRwriter, ElfGirls, and Melloth89
I don't know why I wasted Internet time doing that…but thank you all anyway!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Battle, battle, battle; pain, pain, pain; blood, blood, blood; redundance, redundance, redundance.
So everyone ran around, screaming and hitting everyone around them with swords, axes, rocks, and other people. Why, might you ask?
Because one of the men stood up on top of the frickin' wall and shouted, "If I have to die in battle, I suggest we all start out with a friendly game of 'Grab-Ass'!" This caused everyone to look quizzically at their comrades, and then freak out.
Arwen did not share in this wonder of poorly-used masculinity, as she wouldn't have minded playing. She was the only woman there.
L: Can I call her a woman? It implies her to be a Man, but she's an Elf…
J:…………*blinks* You lost me.
L: Well, it would mean she's a Man.
J: ARWEN is a man?!
Arwen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
L: No, I mean of the Race of Men!
Arwen: *about to beat J's face into a bloody pulp* Oh. Well, no. I'm an Elf. A FEMALE Elf.
L: WHY couldn't he just have used 'humans'?
J: What?! I could SO kick her ass!
L: THAT'S ENOUGH!
Arwen sat around watching the misguided and utterly idiotic men for a few moments as they all tried not to get their asses grabbed (consequentially, they were all so busy trying to protect their asses that no one was trying to actually grab them), filing her nails into wicked-looking claws, but then yelled "STOP!"
All the men stopped dead in their tracks. Arwen stood regally and glared at them with her eeeeeeeee-vil, soulless eyes.
"I'm going home!" she announced. "Estel, I'll see you in the third book!" She blew him a kiss, then disappeared with a flash of lightning and a cloud of eeeeeeeee-vil looking, eeeeeeeee-vil smelling red and black (yes! It was TWO colors!) smoke. Aragorn shuddered. "I hate it when she does that…"
All the men stood up and brushed themselves off, realized they had won the battle and were not yet dead, and so, began to celebrate their victory in all their macho-glory.
"YAAAAAAAY!" Everyone dumped a huge tankard of ale on Théoden.
"AH!" Théoden tried to shake off his arms. "And this was designer Armani armor, too…I was forced to pay an arm and a leg for this…not my own, of course, but…"
"Aw, buck up there, Horsey Guy!" Gimli was drinking ale from his golden trashcan. "We won!"
"And we didn't die!" Legolas said, giving Gimli a high-five. They both did a little dance (Oh, get that image out of your head! I can see it: I KNOW what you're thinking…that's just vile…), while singing the first verse of The Song of Canon Righteousness: "Justice has prevailed! Tolkien be hailed! We have been saved! Peter Jackson is depraved!"
Only Gandalf didn't participate in this display of macho-glory. He stood off to the side, tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for everyone to finish getting smashed so they could continue whatever fruitless quest they happened to currently be on.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf…" Aragorn came swaggering up to Gandalf, obviously WAAAAAAAY beyond drunk, with a tankard of ale in his hand. "You waaaaaaaaaaaant sooooooooooome?"
"NO MORE DRINKING!" Gandalf yelled, and with a POOF! everyone's ale vanished.
"So wha da we do now?" one of the Rohirrim asked. "Well, we still gotta go to Isengard…" Another Rohirrim said, smacking his copy of the script with the back of his hand.
"ROADTRIP!" Everybody (minus Gandalf) shouted, and went and got their horses. Gandalf grumbled (more alliteration!) behind them.
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, to Isengard we go!" they all sang. Unfortunately, they couldn't whistle. Legolas and Gimli, still stuck riding the same horse, were getting tired of each other. "If we don't get you a separate horse, Gimli, your weight will crush this one," Legolas said. "I'd cut your hair, you rat, but I believe that at its current length I may miss and take your head off!" Gimli retorted. Legolas just rolled his eyes.
So, they rode along…
Still riding…
Lots of riding…
Oh! They're camping!…
And now they're riding…
"Stop!"
Oh. They were at Fangorn! By means of literary magic and a good deal of non- stop riding, they were at Fangorn, which was a forest. There were trees.
"Well, this is odd…" Gandalf said, looking at the trees. Gimli shrieked and Legolas fell off the horse, and Aragorn just sort of stared, as was his inclination. The trees were walking around, holding plastic signs. "I…what…how…?" Legolas asked, not finishing any of his questions.
"They're Ents!" Gandalf exclaimed in exasperation. "What do the signs say?" Gimli asked. "They say 'DOWN WITH SARUMAN' and "ISENGARD=EVIL'," Gandalf said, turning to look at the others. "They must be going our way!"
Gandalf tugged on Shadowfax's reins and said, "We must continue to Isengard!" All the guys cried and shouted that they didn't want to go. Gandalf waved his staff, and suddenly, everyone's clothes were covered with…Barbie-pink polka-dots.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Everyone ran around screaming, trying to get the horrible polka-dots off their clothes.
"GANDALF!" Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli ran up to Gandalf. "I COMMAND YOU TO REMOVE THESE POLKA-DOTS!"
"I think…no," Gandalf said. "At least not until we get to Isengard."
"You sick evil senile old…" Legolas muttered.
"You watch your mouth, young man!" Gandalf whacked Legolas over the head with his staff, then mounted Shadowfax. Everyone grudgingly mounted their own horses and followed him, grumbling about how their clothes didn't match their swords anymore.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sample of next chapter: Fun With Megaphones!
Just then, an Ent ran by screaming, its branches aflame. Following a little ways behind were Théoden and Gandalf, trying to act casual. "Mister Moss Man?" Gandalf began. "YES?" Moss Man responded through his megaphone. "We must speak with you," Théoden said. "I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW." Théoden pulled out the Zippo again, and Moss Man stopped.
"ZIGGY!" Moss Man said to another Ent (still using the megaphones…). "YES?" "WATCH MY POST FOR A BIT." "10-4." Moss Man was about to set his megaphone down when Gandalf got fussy.