Chapter Fourteen: Don't Mess With the Vase
Disclaimer: I own naught. L owns naught. Together, we own...naught. What did you expect?
A/N: AH! J must leave her computer for a week to go to Maryland near the ocean and swim and play in the stupid sun. *sulks and mutters about her parents* Yah, just up my risk of skin cancer, why don't you? But anyway, my point is that I will be away for a week, so relish this chapter. I will tell you when I get back whether I got sunburned or met any cute guys. *grins*
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Book Eye-Vee ('Nurse! Get me a four!')
"Okey dokey!" Frodo said, looking all around. They (Sam and Frodo) were standing somewhere in Emyn Muil on the edge of a tall cliff. "We're stuck up here, but we need to be down there!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam dug through his pack, paying no attention to his idiotic buddy. "So, what've we got in the Bottomless Pack of Samwise?" Frodo asked, trying to see what Sam had.
He ducked as Sam chucked random objects back over his shoulder and over the cliff. "Sam, you just threw the rope over!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam sighed and shook his head. "What, are you trying to make a big enough pile of junk that we should be able to climb down on it?" Frodo asked. Sam raised an eyebrow and turned back to his pack. "I guess I'm wrong." Frodo said, rocking on his heels and whistling.
"AHA!" Sam cried. He pulled hard on something in his pack, and a blue sled popped out. He closed up his pack and jumped on the sled. "Come on, Frodo!" Sam said. "We're going for a sled ride!"
***
Gollum, a.k.a. Martha Stewart, had convinced herself that she was a he, so for legal reasons, we're sticking with her...him...whatever...
Anyway, Gollum was at the bottom of a steep cliff picking some pretty flowers. He arranged them in a little blue vase and sat down to admire his work, when he heard the approaching screams of hobbits. Looking up at the cliff, he saw, with just enough time to save his vase, a blue sled come barreling down the cliff toward him with two hobbits on it.
Of course, though he saved the vase, he couldn't save himself. The sled, including both occupants, hurtled down the cliff, smashing into Gollum, and very suddenly, there were three people on the sled. "Well, how nice of you to join us, Gollum!" Frodo called as the sled flew forward. It hit a rock, and, though the sled stopped in its forward path, its passengers did not.
"Oh, I think this is gonna be a proble-" Frodo started to say, but he was cut off by a large dead tree.
"Mister Fro-" Sam started to say, but he hit the dirt and could only say the many variations of 'OW!' as he bounced along.
"MY PRECI-" Gollum started to say, seeing that his vase had been smashed, but he flew into a marsh instead.
Sam got up and shook his head, then went and rummaged around in his pack and pulled out two boxes of something and brought them over to Frodo, or rather, the lower part of Frodo that was sticking out of the tree cartoony- style.
"Okay, so, do you want the plain ones or the ones with little Elves on them?"
"Elves..."
Sam pulled Frodo out of the dead tree and started to bandage him as Gollum crawled out of the marsh and shook himself off like a dog, then hissed at the two hobbits.
"Nasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssty hobbitssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss-"
"Okay, could you please cool it with the hissing?" Frodo asked, checking his watch.
"Well, really, you don't need to be so terribly rude. I am just terribly unhappy as to how you have upset my poor vase." Gollum started to talk with a bad British accent, and Sam waved a hand for him to stop. "Okay, on second thought, hissing's fine."
"No, I rather enjoy talking in this fashion; it reminds me of fresh-baked scones in a cozy sunlit kitchen on a warm spring day-" Gollum was suddenly cut off as both hobbits pointed their swords at his throat. "No! No! Don't let them kill usss, Preciousss!"
Sam looked at Frodo pleadingly. "PLEASE? Pretty please can I kill him?"
Frodo looked at Gollum and put his sword away. "No, Sam. You can't."
"Oh, you know, I really, really could."
"Gollum," Frodo said, looking at Gollum, "you know these lands pretty well, right?" Gollum nodded numbly, still upset over his lost vase. "How 'bout you help us find a way into Mordor?"
Gollum looked at them suspiciously. "Nasssty hobbitsss break poor Gollum'ssss vasssse, precioussssss, and nowssss they isssss wanting helpssss?! Ha! Gollum laughsssss, precioussssss!
"Oh, you know, I really, really could."
"Gollum," Frodo said, looking at Gollum, "you know these lands pretty well, right?" Gollum nodded numbly, still upset over his lost vase. "How 'bout you help us find a way into Mordor?"
Gollum looked at them suspiciously. "Nasssty hobbitsss break poor Gollum'ssss vasssse, precioussssss, and nowssss they isssss wanting helpssss?! Ha! Gollum laughsssss, precioussssss! Gollum laughsssss and their pain!" He then threw back his head and proceeded to do so.
"Why you lousy little demonic halfbreed-"
"Half a moment, Mr. Frodo, sir!" Sam was rummaging around in his pack again. He drew out a beautiful tea serving set, made with oriental porcelain and hand-decorated by some factory workers in Taiwan. Gollum's eyes grew as big as dinner plates.
"How...in the hell...were you carrying all that?!" Frodo sputtered.
"Details, details, Mr. Frodo!" Sam waved his hand absentmindedly. "Now, Gollum...this is very pretty, yes?"
"Pretty, yessss...would look good by a lace doily tablecloth in a brightly lit parlor, yessss..."
"I know! Wouldn't it?!" Sam agreed enthusiastically, then cleared his throat as he noticed Frodo staring oddly at him. "Anyway, Gollum...it would be a shame if something were to...I dunno...happen to this, wouldn't it?" Sam asked, holding the tea set over a large crevice that had conveniently appeared next to him with a POP! Gollum shrieked.
"Foolish hobbitses, give it heress!" Gollum hissed. "Ugh, say it, don't spray it!" Sam said, pulling out his handkerchief.
"Okay, here's the deal, Gollum," Frodo said as Sam mopped his face, "we'll give you half the tea set now, and the other half when we get to Mordor." Gollum thought about this, then nodded vigorously. His brain suddenly popped out of his ear, and he paused only long enough to reach down, grab it, and shove it back up his nose. He smiled sweetly, and Frodo and same shared a quick, very disgusted look.
Sam handed over a few cups and saucers and a tea caddy-
J: Is that even part of a tea set?
L: How should I know? Do *I* look British to you?
J: How exactly does one 'look British'?
L: ...STOP TALKING!
J: I mean, we don't want to offend any British readers by applying stereotypes, such as that all British people are-
L: *calmly stuffs a gag into J's mouth and shoves her away*
-and a tea caddy, with the understanding that Gollum would get the rest upon their safe delivery into Mordor.
"One question," Sam said. "How is it that we could be safe in Mordor?" Frodo shrugged his shoulders and followed Gollum.
"So where are we headed?" Frodo asked, walking along beside Gollum. The funny demon put on a vest and cap and pulled out an intercom from thin air.
"Welcome to Mordor Motor Trips, this is your guide Sméagol/Gollum speaking. Hope you'll enjoy your ride today. We've got a long way to go, so please, stay inside the cars at all times, no flash photography, and please don't feed the orcs. Thank you!" Gollum said into the intercom. Sam blinked. "Well..."
"I don't see a car..." Frodo scowled, looking around.
"That's one of the magical properties of Mordor!" Gollum said enthusiastically. "Imagination! Now, here, to your left, you can see some lovely fungi, dying from being in such close proximity to the evil that IS Mordor..."
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Sample of Next Chapter: The Dead...Mushes?
"Foolish hobbitses, we MUST go through the Mushes!" he bellowed. "You mean the Marshes," Sam corrected. "That's what I said: Mushes!" "You said Mushes. It's Marshes." "Mushes! Yes! That's what I said!" "But it's Marshes."
Gollum growled and clawed at his head and began to twitch and foam at the mouth. "Uh...Gollum?" Frodo chanced.
Gollum screamed and beat his chest and flew at Sam screaming and shrieking. Sam turned and fled.
Disclaimer: I own naught. L owns naught. Together, we own...naught. What did you expect?
A/N: AH! J must leave her computer for a week to go to Maryland near the ocean and swim and play in the stupid sun. *sulks and mutters about her parents* Yah, just up my risk of skin cancer, why don't you? But anyway, my point is that I will be away for a week, so relish this chapter. I will tell you when I get back whether I got sunburned or met any cute guys. *grins*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Book Eye-Vee ('Nurse! Get me a four!')
"Okey dokey!" Frodo said, looking all around. They (Sam and Frodo) were standing somewhere in Emyn Muil on the edge of a tall cliff. "We're stuck up here, but we need to be down there!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam dug through his pack, paying no attention to his idiotic buddy. "So, what've we got in the Bottomless Pack of Samwise?" Frodo asked, trying to see what Sam had.
He ducked as Sam chucked random objects back over his shoulder and over the cliff. "Sam, you just threw the rope over!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam sighed and shook his head. "What, are you trying to make a big enough pile of junk that we should be able to climb down on it?" Frodo asked. Sam raised an eyebrow and turned back to his pack. "I guess I'm wrong." Frodo said, rocking on his heels and whistling.
"AHA!" Sam cried. He pulled hard on something in his pack, and a blue sled popped out. He closed up his pack and jumped on the sled. "Come on, Frodo!" Sam said. "We're going for a sled ride!"
***
Gollum, a.k.a. Martha Stewart, had convinced herself that she was a he, so for legal reasons, we're sticking with her...him...whatever...
Anyway, Gollum was at the bottom of a steep cliff picking some pretty flowers. He arranged them in a little blue vase and sat down to admire his work, when he heard the approaching screams of hobbits. Looking up at the cliff, he saw, with just enough time to save his vase, a blue sled come barreling down the cliff toward him with two hobbits on it.
Of course, though he saved the vase, he couldn't save himself. The sled, including both occupants, hurtled down the cliff, smashing into Gollum, and very suddenly, there were three people on the sled. "Well, how nice of you to join us, Gollum!" Frodo called as the sled flew forward. It hit a rock, and, though the sled stopped in its forward path, its passengers did not.
"Oh, I think this is gonna be a proble-" Frodo started to say, but he was cut off by a large dead tree.
"Mister Fro-" Sam started to say, but he hit the dirt and could only say the many variations of 'OW!' as he bounced along.
"MY PRECI-" Gollum started to say, seeing that his vase had been smashed, but he flew into a marsh instead.
Sam got up and shook his head, then went and rummaged around in his pack and pulled out two boxes of something and brought them over to Frodo, or rather, the lower part of Frodo that was sticking out of the tree cartoony- style.
"Okay, so, do you want the plain ones or the ones with little Elves on them?"
"Elves..."
Sam pulled Frodo out of the dead tree and started to bandage him as Gollum crawled out of the marsh and shook himself off like a dog, then hissed at the two hobbits.
"Nasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssty hobbitssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss-"
"Okay, could you please cool it with the hissing?" Frodo asked, checking his watch.
"Well, really, you don't need to be so terribly rude. I am just terribly unhappy as to how you have upset my poor vase." Gollum started to talk with a bad British accent, and Sam waved a hand for him to stop. "Okay, on second thought, hissing's fine."
"No, I rather enjoy talking in this fashion; it reminds me of fresh-baked scones in a cozy sunlit kitchen on a warm spring day-" Gollum was suddenly cut off as both hobbits pointed their swords at his throat. "No! No! Don't let them kill usss, Preciousss!"
Sam looked at Frodo pleadingly. "PLEASE? Pretty please can I kill him?"
Frodo looked at Gollum and put his sword away. "No, Sam. You can't."
"Oh, you know, I really, really could."
"Gollum," Frodo said, looking at Gollum, "you know these lands pretty well, right?" Gollum nodded numbly, still upset over his lost vase. "How 'bout you help us find a way into Mordor?"
Gollum looked at them suspiciously. "Nasssty hobbitsss break poor Gollum'ssss vasssse, precioussssss, and nowssss they isssss wanting helpssss?! Ha! Gollum laughsssss, precioussssss!
"Oh, you know, I really, really could."
"Gollum," Frodo said, looking at Gollum, "you know these lands pretty well, right?" Gollum nodded numbly, still upset over his lost vase. "How 'bout you help us find a way into Mordor?"
Gollum looked at them suspiciously. "Nasssty hobbitsss break poor Gollum'ssss vasssse, precioussssss, and nowssss they isssss wanting helpssss?! Ha! Gollum laughsssss, precioussssss! Gollum laughsssss and their pain!" He then threw back his head and proceeded to do so.
"Why you lousy little demonic halfbreed-"
"Half a moment, Mr. Frodo, sir!" Sam was rummaging around in his pack again. He drew out a beautiful tea serving set, made with oriental porcelain and hand-decorated by some factory workers in Taiwan. Gollum's eyes grew as big as dinner plates.
"How...in the hell...were you carrying all that?!" Frodo sputtered.
"Details, details, Mr. Frodo!" Sam waved his hand absentmindedly. "Now, Gollum...this is very pretty, yes?"
"Pretty, yessss...would look good by a lace doily tablecloth in a brightly lit parlor, yessss..."
"I know! Wouldn't it?!" Sam agreed enthusiastically, then cleared his throat as he noticed Frodo staring oddly at him. "Anyway, Gollum...it would be a shame if something were to...I dunno...happen to this, wouldn't it?" Sam asked, holding the tea set over a large crevice that had conveniently appeared next to him with a POP! Gollum shrieked.
"Foolish hobbitses, give it heress!" Gollum hissed. "Ugh, say it, don't spray it!" Sam said, pulling out his handkerchief.
"Okay, here's the deal, Gollum," Frodo said as Sam mopped his face, "we'll give you half the tea set now, and the other half when we get to Mordor." Gollum thought about this, then nodded vigorously. His brain suddenly popped out of his ear, and he paused only long enough to reach down, grab it, and shove it back up his nose. He smiled sweetly, and Frodo and same shared a quick, very disgusted look.
Sam handed over a few cups and saucers and a tea caddy-
J: Is that even part of a tea set?
L: How should I know? Do *I* look British to you?
J: How exactly does one 'look British'?
L: ...STOP TALKING!
J: I mean, we don't want to offend any British readers by applying stereotypes, such as that all British people are-
L: *calmly stuffs a gag into J's mouth and shoves her away*
-and a tea caddy, with the understanding that Gollum would get the rest upon their safe delivery into Mordor.
"One question," Sam said. "How is it that we could be safe in Mordor?" Frodo shrugged his shoulders and followed Gollum.
"So where are we headed?" Frodo asked, walking along beside Gollum. The funny demon put on a vest and cap and pulled out an intercom from thin air.
"Welcome to Mordor Motor Trips, this is your guide Sméagol/Gollum speaking. Hope you'll enjoy your ride today. We've got a long way to go, so please, stay inside the cars at all times, no flash photography, and please don't feed the orcs. Thank you!" Gollum said into the intercom. Sam blinked. "Well..."
"I don't see a car..." Frodo scowled, looking around.
"That's one of the magical properties of Mordor!" Gollum said enthusiastically. "Imagination! Now, here, to your left, you can see some lovely fungi, dying from being in such close proximity to the evil that IS Mordor..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sample of Next Chapter: The Dead...Mushes?
"Foolish hobbitses, we MUST go through the Mushes!" he bellowed. "You mean the Marshes," Sam corrected. "That's what I said: Mushes!" "You said Mushes. It's Marshes." "Mushes! Yes! That's what I said!" "But it's Marshes."
Gollum growled and clawed at his head and began to twitch and foam at the mouth. "Uh...Gollum?" Frodo chanced.
Gollum screamed and beat his chest and flew at Sam screaming and shrieking. Sam turned and fled.