Chapter Sixteen: Welcome to NYC!
Disclaimer: Don't own it, get no money, wah, wah, wah, I wished I owned it but I don't and all that crap………
To Hikaness:
*Sauron is running full-speed, trying to escape She, who is trying to catch him*
She: Shiny! SHINY! Come BAAAAAAACK, Shiny!*stops to catch her breath and shakes her fist at Hikaness as Sauron escapes, muttering something about teaching the orcs the 'Glomp' and how they will surely win the War of the Ring with THAT technique* Grrrr! You are CRUEL, Hikaness! Not making me Sauron's love slave! Depriving me of my Dark Lord! Now I can't [Censored because this is a PG-13 fic] or [ I don't think the readers want to know about the hormone-induced fantasies that run around in She's mind…] or [Alright, now you're just freaking us all out, She…] and after that, I can't [Okay, that is just WEIRD! And I don't even think THAT is possible!] and NOW we couldn't get any whips and [That's it! Screw this, I'm getting out of here while I still have some sanity left! *the Censor Bar scurries off to become a stagehand on 'The Pencil Show'*]…what was I saying? Oh, yeah: You are CRUEL, Hikaness!
*Audience is being violently ill*
She: I STILL wanna be Sauron's love slave!…*disappointed sigh* Oh well. You will just have to do, Rohan man.*Grabs Éomer* Rohirrim goodness! Gotta love the beard! And these CUTE braids!
Éomer: *looks scared as She starts playing with his braids*
She: ^_^ Mmm………yummy. *Both disappear in a puff of smoke*
She's 'Kiss up to the Reviewers' Time: You are all the best! Let's face it: the only gratification we get from writing is knowing that our readers like it, so those reviews are always wonderful things to get. I ESPECIALLY like it when readers cut and paste their favorite parts, so we know what was funny. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Even those of you who only read the story and are too cowardly to review it--we love you too! *Blows kisses*
*readers try to dodge kisses*
Love y'all too. ^_^
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And WALKING…
"Why is this taking so long?!" Sam asked, frustrated.
"Foolish hobbitsesssss, we must build suspense!" Gollum scolded.
Frodo tripped and fell over onto his face. He expressed his pain eloquently: "Ow." Sam scurried over and helped him up, but, two minutes later, Frodo fell over again.
"Come on, Mr. Frodo! Stand-" Sam pulled Frodo up to his feet, but Frodo immediately fell over again.
"Frodo!" Sam yelled, finally realizing that Frodo was asleep. "Wake-"
"Zzzz…no, mommy…I don't want to go to school…I want to stay home and bake cookies with yooooooooou…" Frodo drew his knees up to his chest and sucked his thumb. Sam sighed and turned to Gollum, but Gollum was asleep as well.
"Good God…I'm surrounded by narcoleptics…" Sam put his head in his hands as the full realization of the futility of the quest finally dawned on him. Or maybe it was just a rock. At any rate, he also dropped to the ground and fell asleep.
***
They checked into a Ritz Carlton for the night, but, after being unable to pay for the air, they were tossed out on their rears. But STILL…they kept walking.
…AND WALKING…
…I wonder if their feet hurt. I mean, they don't wear shoes, do they?…
…Oh! Now they're running!…
…Now walking again…
"Welcome to NYC!" Gollum finally announced. Frodo scowled. "NYC? We want to go to MORDOR."
"Not quite sure why…" Sam muttered.
Gollum shrugged. "NYC, Mordor, same diff. Anyway, you're here, the Ring's here, and I'm going to go get a scone. Hey, Shelob!" Gollum yelled. A huge evil-looking spider appeared.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Frodo screamed. Sam rolled his eyes. "What's with him?" Gollum asked. "Arachnophobia," Sam explained.
Shelob was wearing a sort of seating arrangement (you know, the kind you see elephants in the circus wearing) on her back. She knelt down so Sam could climb up. Gollum tossed Frodo into the seat behind Sam and Shelob started off.
"Welcome to Mordor, home of Sauron, and Mount Doom! I will be your guide for today, Shelob!" the spider said happily. "Please, do not feed the orcs, as they may bite your hands off!" Frodo closed his eyes and rocked back and forth, singing 'I'm a little teapot'.
"Could you stop that, Frodo?" Sam asked. Frodo was doing the hand motions that went along with the song, and so was repeatedly smacking Sam in the back.
Frodo suddenly hugged Sam around the waist. "Don't let them get me!" he screamed. "Frodo, what are you TALKING about?!" Sam shouted, trying to get Frodo to stop squeezing him. "I CAN'T BREATHE, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS!" he yelled at Frodo.
Suddenly, Faramir appeared with a bunch of guys. "Hey, you aren't supposed to be here!" Sam yelled. Frodo had stopped crushing him. "Really?" Faramir asked. "Well, I'm trying to find my bro."
"He's dead," Frodo said.
"Oh, thanks," Faramir said. "And have you seen a Ring anywhere?"
"Yeah, we're bringing it to Mount Doom right now," Frodo responded.
"Okay, see ya!" Faramir said, and he and his guys were about to disappear when Sam yelled, "Hey, go visit Aragorn!"
"Okay!" Faramir called, and the guys disappeared with a 'pop!'.
"We're off to see the wizard…" Sam sang. "The wonderful wizard of-"
"Don't say Oz."
"Why?"
"Because we have too many people mad at us already!"
"Like who?"
"Martha Stewart, Steve Irwin, MAD Magazine. Invader Zim, Star Wars, Richard Simmons, the Tolkien community, and now, Gundam Wing, and also-"
"Okay, okay…then what do I sing in that spot?"
"Well, don't sing at all, or just…just shut up, Sam."
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Sample of Next Chapter: Bungee Jumping!
(No, the chapter's name has nothing to do with the chapter -_-;;)
Finally, Shelob died from exposure and Frodo got free. Sam dragged Frodo out into the open and fired off a signal flare.
"What are you doing?!" Frodo screamed at Sam.
"I'm taking the Ring and leaving you for dead so that I can save you later," Sam said, taking the Ring from Frodo.
"Why not just save me now and save yourself some time?!" Frodo cried frantically.