Author's notes: Oh look, so many things have happened since Elanor got back onto Fan Fiction...

Draco's note: I've been dying... it's mortal torture. Where's the killing curse when you need it?

Disclaimer: You know that all this really belongs to J.K. Rowling... What do you mean that you don't?

Chapter 6 : Reviews 15 to 19 and the long awaited return

What looks like two normal people trying to kill each other from far away can look very different when we close up on them. For instance, we might find that the boy, Draco Malfoy, is in fact an ugly git with five noses and an incredible dribbling mouth...

"Hey, Elanor! How dare you!" Draco sneered.

"Okay okay," Elanor grumbled and crossed out the sentence and started again in her diary.

For instance, we might find that the boy, Draco Malfoy likes sticking his head in the loo and flushing it with shampoo...

"Crucio!" Draco yells. "How dare you insult the Malfoy name and honour?"

Elanor ducks the scary light-saber thingy and hurries across the room to hide behind the sofa.

"It's a beam of light coming from my wand! Not a scary light-saber thingy! Idiot for a muggle." Draco yells yet again.

"Fine then Draco!"

"Fine!"

"I'm not going to talk to you!"

"As if I want to muggle!"

"I want my Ronniekins!"

"Dirty-faced Weasel!"

"Ahhhhhh!!! I hate you."

Elanor promptly forgets to not-talk-to-Draco anymore. She starts a cushion fight except that to her dismay, she has a bad aim and she also does not know how to block the fireballs coming out of Draco's wand.

"I think I'll eat a little ice-cream." Elanor says and starts on a chocolate fudge sundae! Unfortunately, Elanor does not know how to cook or make an ice-cream so she ended up munching on a slice of bread.

"Pathetic, Elanor. Sometimes I wonder why you are still alive."

"Sometimes I wonder why I didn't finish you off with that frying pan."

Draco instantly shuts up... and then opens his mouth again. "Finally we have chapter six under the way. You were so slow, ignorant Elanor."

"Huh?" Elanor asks with a piece of half chewed bread in her mouth.

"Why didn't you upload your chapters for a decade?" Draco yells out. "Do you realise how many deaths I was supposed to have been involved in? Do you realise, if it wasn't for you and your slowness, I would have killed the hoards of the incredibly dirty-faced Weasels by now?"

"Ronniekins?" Elanor squeaks. And then screams. "YOU WANTED TO KILL MY RONNIEKINS?"

"No, I just wanted to give him one million galleons." Draco sneers more sarcastically.

"Really?" Elanor's face beams up. She starts to rant about what Ronniekins could buy with one million galleons and what colour dress robes he would get. "Now navy blue, that would be a lovely colour to show off his nice tall figure. Maroon- ohh... sexy image, would definitely go with his hair. But black... growl..."

"I said I WAS BEING SARCASTIC ELANOR."

Elanor looks blankly at Draco. "Sarcastic about what Draco? Anyway, as I was saying, now Red is the new colour for Yule! Imagine this- the red holly, the green holly and the red robes on the tall lean Ronniekins. And his red hair..."

Draco looks like he's dying on the corner. "Noooo! Dying... Weasel Mad Elanor ranting attack! Must need death eaters! Need own sanity."

Luckily, Draco is saved by the cloud. No, the cloud does not whisk Draco back to his evil little hole, it beings him his 15th review.

Draco gets the letter eagerly, reads it, and then dies of shock.

The End.

Or not.

Pansy Parkinson and all other Draco fans would not want that, now would we girls?

~*~

Hey Draco, I'm a Slytherin 7th year and I was just wondering if you were up for some obligation-free sex??

Also are you a virgin?
Slytherin sex kitten

Jess

~*~

"Really," Elanor mutters, "I don't believe this letter! Doesn't this person know that we only answer NC-17 letters at midnight when the Fan Fiction staff is asleep?

Elanor goes back to Draco who has actually fainted from shock...even though he is muttering some very weird things in his sleep.

"Growl- kinky... Slytherin...mmmmmm..."

Elanor stares at Draco very weirdly. "He must have been reading too many NC-17 stories when I was eating." Elanor mutters to herself.

She stares at the letter in annoyance and takes out her half-eaten pencil (I told you Elanor was a pencil monster but no, you wouldn't believe me). She starts writing...

~*~

Dear Jess or the self proclaimed Slytherin Sex Kitten.

Unfortunately, it is not midnight when everyone writes their NC-17 stories so Fan Fiction doesn't find out. As a result, I cannot have Draco on a mad sex rampage with you.

Also, this is a PG-13 stories as you are well aware and I do not want little kiddies reading this and budging their eyes out.

Also, Draco does not want any sex because he is unfortunately nearly on his deathbed due to you letter...

I regret to inform you that I do not know....

~*~

Draco suddenly wakes up back from the dead and grabs his own quill and starts finishing Elanor's letter.

Elanor meanwhile is screaming that Draco has come back alive...again!

Ah, the wonders of the three-lettered-word and what it can do to our Dracokins.

"Oi!" Draco shouts angrily.

~*~

Please ignore the letter that was written above unless you want to read the rantings of an insane lunatic called Elanor.

Back down to your letter, do you mean ME or You or BOTH WAYS?

(Elanor starts gagging in the background)

I wouldn't mind it when I get back to Hogwarts but I need to remind you that millions of girls want to get into my pants so you will have to be on my 235th waiting list.

As for the virginity subject, I prefer not to disclose anything but Malfoys' always act honourable until they are 16. I am 15 still... damn!

Yours,

Draco Sex God

~*~

"Gaaa.... spew... ego attack... need Ronniekins... need my insanity." Elanor is heard gagging in the background. For the first time in history, Elanor is speechless...

Well almost.

Draco? Sex God... Har humrph...

~*~

Dear Draco,
I think you suck. How DARE you call Hermione the ever-wonderful-brilliant-top-of-the-class-genius a mudblood? You definitely deserved it when she hit you, back in Third year. Anyway, why I'm writing a question to save you, I don't know, but here goes: Do you know Lauren Hird? I think you and she would get on very well: both evil, both Slytherins, both bullies, both death eaters; I think you should marry her, rather than Mary Sue.
HermioneFan

~*~

Dear Mudbloody Wannebee,

I do not suck. I rule Hogwarts and the world in more ways than one million. What did you call that pathetic Mudblood again? Ever wonderful? It seems to me as if you are the most vilest loser I have ever seen. Mudblood Granger is hardly an excuse to live and the only reason she studies so hard is because she has no life. Even dirty-faced Weasel would agree with me there. Thank you for writing a question to save me but I prefer not to have your help.

Yes I do know a Lauren Hird but unfortunately, she is much too young and inexperienced for me. I am very flattered that you praised me so high. Indeed, I always thought I was a evil, Slytherin bully and death eater. Th Malfoy blood runs proudly in my veins.

I am not marrying Mary Sue. I am pretending to marry here so Pansy can leave me alone. Do you get that? Besides, from all that I've heard of on Mary Sue, she seems too 'I know many dark secrets' for me.

From Greatest Draco ever alive.

~*~

Konk! It seems the frying pan has made a speedy recovery back to chapter 6. Draco has collapsed again... And Elanor does not care whether he has lost twenty of his brain cells in the process.

That one's for Hermione.

KONK!

That's for Ronniekins!

KONK!

And that's for world peace!

KONK! KONK! KONK!

~*~

Dear Draco,

Why do you always smirk? Do you have the ability to have any other facial expressions or is that beyond you? I also want to know why you think your so wonderful. I mean your not. Don't get me wrong, Im not saying that the Weasel and Potter and all there friends are wonderful, their idiots, but your not all that wonderfull either. I prefer Slytherins to Gryfendors anyday. I just don't like you for some reason.

Quiet One.

~*~

Elanor is very quiet all of a sudden. "Maybe knocking Draco senseless was not such a good idea after all...

Fortunately, Draco wakes up again as Elanor finds out that he had cast a Prevention-of-frying-pan spell on himself just before he wrote the letter.

~*~

Dear Quiet one,

I smirk because I enjoy making all those shiny-eyed disillusioned Gryffindors cry. I have many wonderful facial expression- such as sneering and glaring. I reserve my smirks and glares and evil stares just for those annoying people in Hogwarts- like you for instance.

I agree that Potter and Dirty Faced Weasel and Mudblood Granger are pathetic. How nice that we share at least one similar opinion. I prefer myself to Gryffindors any day too. And for your information, I am wonderful- wonderfully evil, sinister and loyal to the Dark Lord. I am very good-looking, rich and brilliant at quidditch.

You don't hate me because I'm beautiful, you hate me because I'm better than you.

Draco Lucius Dominus Julius Malfoy.

~*~

"You made up those middle names yourself." Elanor exclaims indignantly.

"They make me sound powerful."

"Yeah, what do you want to be called Draco? Julie for Julius?" Elanor asks, giving a Draco smirk.

Draco gulps and quickly tries to erase that last part.

~*~

Hello Draco!

I have two questions.

1.) I've been following this story for a while and I wanted to know if crazy Elanor is EVER GOING TO UPDATE THIS STORY AGAIN!!! Please excuse the over use of capitals but its been a long time.

2.) Also, I wanted to know if "To Kill a Crazy Eleanor" is a book worth reading. It sounds it, but you never know.

~*~

Dear Quiet One,

In answer to your two questions, I know Elanor has been very slow in updating this story again. I think she deserves death and then death again when she resurrects.

(Elanor in the background sobbing: I can explain! I can explain).

Apparently, she tried to lie and tell me that something is wrong with her computer and that she can't log into Fan Fiction. And she only recently discovered she could log in, not at home but in the library.

That's what muggles do: blame their computers when they are wrong.

Also, To kill a Crazy Elanor has been changed. It is now called To kill a mocking Elanor. The producers said this was something to do with a cute play with names of a muggle book. Don't worry, I think they are insane too. The book is worthy of a Nobel prize. I will share with you some of my knowledge later.

From Draco!

~*~

"So it's plain Draco now is it? From Draco Lucius Dominus Julius Malfoy to just Draco? Amazing how the signatures on two letters can vary." Elanor mutters scientifically.

"It's Draco with an exclamation mark," Draco retorts hotly.

~*~

*giggles maniacally, then stops as she hears draco insulting ronny, starts writing a letter to draco,*

"Dear Draco,
HOW DARE YOU INSULT RONNY? LEAVE HIM ALONE! POTTER IS THE ONE WHO IS STUCK UP AND FULL OF HIMSELF.

Anyway, you are so rude and evil. Hope you are stuck with elanor for the rest of your evil, death eater life! Have a nice day!

~Ink Of The Shadows~
AKA
SPILLED INK FROM RAVENCLAW......RON IS THE SUPREME BEST!

~*~

Dear Spilled Ink,

I insult Dirty faced Weasel because he is worthless and a stupid sidekick and made out of nothingness. But you are right about Potter. He should have been 'The boy who almost lived but was killed by the wonderful all rich Draco Malfoy.' Potter is so stuck up and thinks he is so good and loyal and other vomiting stuff like that.

I will not leave Dirty faced Weasel alone. He is so dirty you can't leave him alone. No wonder he's too poor to buy water to wash his face.

I take it as a compliment that I am so evil.

What did you say? You! YOU INSULTED THE MALFOY NAME IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. I WILL NOT BE STUCK WITH ELANOR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! IT IS THE ONE INSULT MALFOYS CANNOT BEAR.

Ron is the supreme poorest.

Draco from Slytherin.

~*~

BAMN!

Once again, the frying pan is back again.

"How dare you insult Ronny?" Elanor shrieks like Mrs. Weasley.

Hey, Draco's not unconscious...

"It's the prevention-of-frying-pan- spell I learnt it charms. Muhahaha!" Draco answers smugly.

"Ahhhhh!"

Elanor sees the only other way out of this.

"All the readers, let's vote on what colour robes Ronniekins would wear to look the sexiest!"