Author's notes: *Little midgets start singing.* Oh Great Elanor, can't you see. How much you are crazy.

Draco's note: *Bashes little insane Elanor midgets out of the way.*

Disclaimer: *Little midgets run from Draco to hide under thick pile of disclaimers.*

Chapter 10 : Reviews 31 to 35 and Crumpled Cheese Eater CCE

We all know that in Rome, we must wear little togas and speak in dramatic tones like that of Mark Antony. Well, in Elanor's crazy place, we all know that the only nice cheese is the cheese that is very cheesy. Like a cheese, but not as smelly.

Because if cheese is smelly, then Elanor might as well as have called herself Elanor Odd Stinky Old Cheese.

"You really shouldn't give yourself ideas Elanor." Draco sneers yet again. "Who knows when the St Mungo's institution for the mad might cut their waiting lists for you."

"Do you think Ronniekins will visit me there everyday if I go?" Elanor asks, her eyes suddenly bright.

Draco sighs and turns to poking Elanor paintings of a demented piece of carrot.

Carrots are very important, you know. Why, our Ronniekins' hair is the colour of one.

Suddenly, Ronniekins pokes his head into the cloud and says indignantly, "Is not." He then vanishes away before Elanor has the chance to hug him and keep him in her wardrobe.

"Hey! How did Ron just do that?" squeaks a piece of cheese.

Elanor and Draco stare at the cheese-yellow and chunky- and scream in unison.

"It talks, the holy cheese of Hogwarts." Elanor cries out in alarm and bows her hand and fingers in shame. "Oh I am not worthy of you, oh stinky cheese."

Draco, for once, is crazier than Elanor. "Oh Dark Lord and Master, I knew it was you who came and saved a lowly servant. Master, I thank you for my deliverance and I will serve you faithfully." See what I mean?

"The cheese is actually very nice." The cheese squeaks again. Or, rather the fat mice under the cheese.

Elanor gets up and goes into a humming song while Draco bangs his head on the wall shouting, "Oh Dark Lord, please come and get me out. Why? Why? Everyday I go through the same torture."

"Do you know cheese has holes?" The mouse says and chews on another cheese crumb.

~*~

he he he he he!!!
"You are so cute and evil when you growl, Dracokins."

From Julie

~*~

Dear Julie,

I think you are a very vile and sadist person if you actually enjoy something Elanor writes. As for the 'You are so cute and evil when you growl Dracokins', I am not.

When I growl, all should tremble down in respect to me. All should bow and acknowledge their thoughts to I, their supreme Master and ruler.

As for Dracokins, I am not Dracokins. I am Draco O great one. Or Malfoy. Or Draco Malfoy.

Never the Dracokins! You mock my name.

From O Great One Draco who pardons you vile sin just once.

~*~

"Umm, Draco." Elanor asks Draco mildly as he finishes his letter with a flourish and then puts is gold quill calmly on the table.

"What?" glares Draco, hating any reminder of the sort at the Dracokins incident.

"I don't think that er... was really a letter." Elanor stammers.

It takes Draco only a second to let everything fully sink in. Even the mouse- which has now been called Crumpled Cheese Eater or CCE- is hiding in Elanor's old jumper.

" WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT I HAVE ANSWERED A WORTHLESS THING FOR NOTHING? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS?"

Elanor tries to hide in her old jumper with Crumpled Cheese Eater as well but the mouse pushes Elanor away. "You're too fat for us to fit in both," squeaks CCE.

Elanor finds that there is no way to end this but to let Draco have it his way. "Okay Draco. I'll let you have that review as a letter anyway. So you've just got 69 more to go. And to make it better for your royal pain in the neck and somewhere else, I'll put it up as an official rule that no one can call you Dracokins."

Draco does a death eaters dance, which is really wild evil laughter and mad screaming and bunny hoping in a circle.

~*~

Dear Draco,
You stupid little brat!! Where are you?!?! Tell me your location this instant!!! The Dark Lord needs to see *both* of us. He has a very important mission for you that involves getting rid of Potter.
Love from your Daddy,
Lucius Malfoy

~*~

Rule one of Elanor's crazy rule book with CCE- Crumpled Cheese Eater- the mouse:

You shall not call Dracokins Dracokins otherwise CCE will have to eat your crumpled cheese.

"I think you should put a stricter penalty in, like death or slow torture during the process of death." Draco adds in, with the air of a spoiled brat. Which he is of course.

Draco glares evilly at Elanor and opens his mouth to retaliate. That is, until he reads his next letter.

Draco's paleness is rated 9.67 on the scale of 10. Or maybe 9.68, as awarded by the English judge.

~*~

Dear my most reverenced and highly regarded Father,

Please accept your son's most humble apologies. Father, I am mortally stuck in a place worse than the nine shades of hell. I am stuck in a place full of insanity. Oh please gracious father, tell the Dark Lord to come for me. I am deeply ashamed that I have not been at the use of the Dark Lord for a while.

This is my muggle location, which I asked Elanor for:

13 Dumpty Dum Wall Burrow

Little Squirrel nut hole

Fruity chestnuts Park

England

I am not too sure of this location as Elanor, my evil captor is giggling at me in the background. I hope for the best Father. Please tell the Dark Lord that I obey his every beck and call and when I get out of this hell-hole, Potter will be vanquished.

I am also keeping contact with my fellow conspirators.

My fondest apologies and highest reverence always,

Your useless son,

Draco.

~*~

"Is this how you write to your Dad everyday," Elanor asks incredibly. "I'd hate to see the letters you write to your Dark Lord thingy then.

Draco wipes his brow from relief that he has answered his Father's letter. He then turns to Elanor and smugly replies, "The Dark Lord has better thing to do than to write letters."

"Such as," Elanor asks stupidly. CCE is eating another piece of cheese. "Stop looking at me," squeaks the mouse indignantly.

"Such as he might come here and destroy you in insolent muggle." Draco replies and starts laughing very evilly.

Elanor is not worried in the least though. Because... well...

"I gave you the wrong address Draco. No one can find you."

Draco chokes on his own evil 'Muhahahas'. "What," he bellows and mutters a spell which bores a great hole through Elanor's JAG tapes.

"Nooooooo!" Elanor screeches in pain and fortitude.

"Do you two mind?" Crumpled Cheese Eater squeaks before curling himself into Elanor's old jumper.

~*~

Dear Draco,
Even though I think you are the lamest character in the Potter series I can help but to feel sorry for you, being keep prisoner by that crazy Elanor and all. So I ´ve decided that this time I ´ll lend you a hand and write you a letter. Here are my questions:

1) Why do you think you are so popular among us muggles? Due to your charming personality or because mugles are as as crazy as a loon?
2) How does it feel to have a muggle beating the crap out of you at every year ´s exams? (Yes I ´am speaking about Hermione Granger getting always better grades than a pathetic pureblood like you).
3) It ´s possible you haven ´t realized yet that Harry Potter is much better at quidditch than you are?
5) And last: what little Dracokins wants to be when he grows up? A flatterer death eater like daddy?

Hope you can go back soon to Hogwarts, surely everybody misses their favourite buffoon ( yes you ) very much.

See ya.

~*~

You vile muggle! (Elanor sniggers as Draco spells vile wrong and then has to rewrite it with Wizard Liquid Paper)

I think YOU are the lamest person I have ever seen before in my entire wonderful life. I feel sorry for you that you are so incredibly jealous of the wonder ME! ME! ME! ("Am I?" Elanor asks and wonders dumbly. Draco bangs his head on a book.) Well, I have news for you, I don't need YOU to feel sorry for me.

1) Personally, muggles have the IQ of a loony baboon. And why am I so ever loved and popular among muggles? Well, I am rich, handsome, devastatingly bad and heartbreaking and wonderfully charming. Of course, it's not like I ever wanted to be so popular. After all, who is it to blame that I am so irresistible?

2) Granger gets better grades than me? Well, I personally can't care more or less since I'm probably going to kill her when I leave this crazy place. Besides, everyone knows that I, Draco Malfoy, tops everyone in Potions. And mudbloods shouldn't even be in Hogwarts anyway.

3) I am the best at quidditch. Harry Potter wins all the time because J.K.Rowling wants all the kiddies to have a nice happy ending in all her stories. In real life Hogwarts, Potter is always defeated by me.

4) I have told everyone not to call me DRACOKINS. There is a rule book and you have broken the rule. (CCE claps his mousey hands in joy at the prospect of eating some more Crumpled Cheese.) And what do I want to be when I grow up? A supporter of the dark side and destroyer of all pathetic low life animals- like YOU.

I detect such strong jealousy in you. It's not healthy, you know. Try being jealous of someone less perfect.

I am very popular in Slytherin. And the joke's on you. You are the buffoon.

Draco Malfoy, extraordinary good at quidditch and devastating handsome.

~*~

There is rapid shouting and the room is mingled with many noises after Draco as replied his very insulting- but true in Elanor's opinion- letter.

CCE is shouting for the piece of cheese he gets because someone called Draco 'Dracokins'. Elanor is persuading CCE that his cheese will come and shouting because everyone else is. Draco is smothering from his pervious letter by writing 'Die Enemies of the Heir' on Elanor's wall.

It is in this midst that one of our greats make another entrance de la grand.

~*~

I am absolutly honored to be known as one of the Greats, I even have a chapter, 'somewhat' named in my honor!! Haha. Anyway, A little note: In America, a period is the little dot that you put at the end of a sentance to signify the end of a sentence.
'To kill a Mocking Elanor' sounds like a simply splended book! If you have any more exerpts be sure to tell me.

You are not better then me, and 'very better' is not correct grammer. So ha!

Quiet One@#$%^

~*~

Dear Quiet One,

The chapter was named somewhat in your honour because I personally think Elanor has nothing better to do all day. If you would like to know, in this world, I am the real great. It seems that in America, there are lots of things that are very different. Perhaps Elanor was born in America too, which is why she is so crazy and loony. (Snap shot to Elanor and CCE arguing over the last piece of crumpled cheese.)

I am glad you cleared up the periods thing as you gave Elanor a clear shock. In fact, she was left screaming for a pure four hours. Needless to say, my ears did not need the pain. I am feeling very bored today and have decided to send with you another extract from 'To kill a Mocking Elanor'.

How to kill a Mocking Elanor:

Number 1933737:

Go to the shop where Elanor often buys her Chips or French Fries. From there, hide behind the turkey- shaped jam jar and when Elanor comes into the shop, quickly pour a very special mixture of Chicken Salt into her chips or French Fries. Make sure that the ingredient in your chicken salt mixture must include:

10 packets of last-last year's chocolate Easter eggs.

One very lumpy piece of soil.

A rock with a smelly face.

Two packets of Fake egg bacon with cretins.

1000000 curses and death potions.

However, if you are very devastatingly poor, an overdose of real Chicken Salt on Elanor's chips will reduce Elanor to a choking frenzy and do the trick.

Simple marvellous book. Sometimes, I think it's my only survival.

'Very better' is very correct better grammar when I say so. So there.

Yours, evilly

Draco -At thingy sign, hash number thingy, dollar sign, percent sign and weird up arrow sign. Why on Earth do crazy muggles put a @#%^ behind their name?

~*~

"It's Quiet One again." Elanor exclaims and tries to take Draco's quill to add in another sentence that Riddle my Heart's chapter 5 is nearly finished. However, Draco rudely snatches away his golden quill and sends away his letter.

Draco stares at his quill in disgust. "Ahhh, Elanor germs!" He cries and throws away the chunky golden quill. Magically, another golden quill appears, this time studded with emeralds.

Meanwhile, Elanor is staring, flabbergast. "But that was a solid Gold quill you threw away."

Draco shrugs his shoulder. "So?" he sneers.

"Do you know how much they are worth?"

"Only 50 galleons." Draco replies smugly.

~*~

Draco (you're not Dear because personally I can't stand you),
I have no idea why I'm writing this. Why'd I want to get YOU out of torture? By the way, Elanor seems really weird. Insane in a good way. Like my friends. And me for that matter.
I'm a highly cynical, sarcastic and slightly evil Ravenclaw. So don't go calling me some goody-goody Gryffindor.
My question, scum of all evil (but rich of course, as you've assured us all too many times), is the following: Is there a single molecule of you that doesn't like being on the dark side? Being on the side that sounds like something out of a really bad Muggle movie (Star Wars)?
So that's it. I'll see you at Hogwarts, if and when Elanor decides to let you go. I might ask another question, just because your answer may amuse me.

~Flamewing

Oh, and Elanor--this is really funny. I like how there's actually a plot. Unlike all those OTHER advice columns...

~*~

Flamewing,

I can't stand you either so you don't get a Dear Flamewing. I agree with you that Elanor is insane... What? You think she's insane in a good way...

What's this- you're insane too...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

What is the world coming to? Oh Dark Lord, save your servant instantly! I think I can't cope with all this madness. I am not the scum of the Earth by the way. In fact. I am the gracious saviour of the world and the supreme being of holiness.

I am glad that you're know that I am rich- who else chucks away Golden quills? (Elanor is wistfully thinking what the Golden Quill would have meant to Ronniekins, who could have got another better looking robe.)

For one thing, I am glad you are not a goody-goody Gryffindor. The world has too many of them and I shall be their Grim Reaper. Muhahahahahaha.

I can tolerate Ravenclaws but you will go over that boundary. I do not like crazy insane people at all.

I do not watch Muggle movies at all but Elanor knows something about Star Wars. Hang on. I'll ask her. (Elanor shrugs her shoulder and says the only thing she knows about Star Wars is "Luke, I'm your Father".) However, I belong to the dark and glorious evil side. We have prestige and power. We will rule over everything. Every muggle shall die. Every Mudblood shall be vanquished.

I will definitely see you if I get back to Hogwarts. And maybe wave at you someday. I know it must be very exciting for you. Draco Malfoy doesn't just wave at anyone.

Yours,

Draco Malfoy.

~*~

"Hang on," Elanor exclaims. "What about that part written to me?"

Draco sighs in the matter of dealing with a stubborn two-year old child and hands over the letter.

Elanor reads the letter and smiles brightly, "Look, Flamewing says we have a plot here!"

The room is silent.

"Since when?" squeaks CCE.