Zelgadis: She'll Never Know
by Lady Cailin
I love her. I love Amelia wil tel Sairoon. Or at least I think this is love. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I suppose that counts for something. I feel protective, carrying, sometimes even jealous. They all know it. Well. . .Lina suspects, Gourry just sort of nods and smiles in that way that lets you know he has no idea what is going on.
They don't understand why I don't tell her. Why I don't end her doubt and admit what I'm feeling. How can I? How am I supposed to admit to Princess Amelia of Sairoon that I'm in love with her? How can I say that to anyone. . .when I know what I am?
It sounds fairly easy I suppose. . .It's not. I can't do it, because I love her. Amelia is innocent in every sense of the word. She believes in justice; that everything will turn out right in the end. She sees this world in black and white, good and evil. She looks at me as if I was some knight in shining armor and I just want to shake her. I want to scream that I'm not her white knight, that I'm dark inside, she just refuses to see it.
I've been living in shades of gray since I was born. I was taught that the strong rule and the weak are trampled in their wake. I was taught that sacrifices were necessary and the dead deserved their fate for not choosing their path more wisely.
Amelia was taught that justice triumphs and love prevails. She has never had to accept 'necessary losses'. She's never had to see the world as it really is. She's never lost her hope. I lost my hope a long time ago. . .My hope for myself.
I don't want to be the one to cause her to loose that innocent view of the world. It would crush her I think, to realize that good didn't always come out completely victorious. I don't want her to see the gray in her white washed world. Maybe that is selfish of me, I don't know. Before I met her I never believed in innocence. I knew from experience this world was filled with evil. Sometimes it's only lurking under the surface, waiting to come out. . .Maybe I just want to know that there is something pure in this world. That there is still someone who believes in hope and justice. Yes, that does sound selfish. . .but then I never said I wasn't.
I just can't hurt her. I can't lie to her either. It would be so easy to lie to her, to let her believe I'm her white knight, and let her pour that love into me, let it fill up the darkness. . .but it would still be a lie. I'm not a hero, I'm not even a good person half the time. I'm dark inside, and I wont let myself be fooled into thinking I'm something better just because Amelia has been fooled.
If I stay silent Amelia will get over me eventually. Her crush will fade and soon she'll choose the noble husband that will sit beside her as she rules Sairoon. If I don't? If I don't. . .I'll bring the darkness into her world of light. To love me she'll have to accept the dark things I do at times. Amelia is too innocent to love darkness. . .so she'll have to see the gray. It would hurt her, change her.
I don't want to destroy the only pure thing I've ever known. Amelia's love for me. Amelia herself. That is what I'd do to her if I told her. I wont do that. . .but L-sama how I want to. Sometimes it hits me when I look at her. A deep ache to reach out and take the love she offers so willingly. The need to look into her eyes. . .eyes that don't see the blackness in my soul. I can't, I won't because I know what I am inside. It almost seems fitting that Rezo would give me this body.
Sometimes . . .Sometimes I wonder if I really am a monster. I could destroy her with three simple words. . .I love you. . .
Amelia . . .
Amelia would no doubt find this all tragically romantic. . .but then, she'll never know.
by Lady Cailin
I love her. I love Amelia wil tel Sairoon. Or at least I think this is love. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I suppose that counts for something. I feel protective, carrying, sometimes even jealous. They all know it. Well. . .Lina suspects, Gourry just sort of nods and smiles in that way that lets you know he has no idea what is going on.
They don't understand why I don't tell her. Why I don't end her doubt and admit what I'm feeling. How can I? How am I supposed to admit to Princess Amelia of Sairoon that I'm in love with her? How can I say that to anyone. . .when I know what I am?
It sounds fairly easy I suppose. . .It's not. I can't do it, because I love her. Amelia is innocent in every sense of the word. She believes in justice; that everything will turn out right in the end. She sees this world in black and white, good and evil. She looks at me as if I was some knight in shining armor and I just want to shake her. I want to scream that I'm not her white knight, that I'm dark inside, she just refuses to see it.
I've been living in shades of gray since I was born. I was taught that the strong rule and the weak are trampled in their wake. I was taught that sacrifices were necessary and the dead deserved their fate for not choosing their path more wisely.
Amelia was taught that justice triumphs and love prevails. She has never had to accept 'necessary losses'. She's never had to see the world as it really is. She's never lost her hope. I lost my hope a long time ago. . .My hope for myself.
I don't want to be the one to cause her to loose that innocent view of the world. It would crush her I think, to realize that good didn't always come out completely victorious. I don't want her to see the gray in her white washed world. Maybe that is selfish of me, I don't know. Before I met her I never believed in innocence. I knew from experience this world was filled with evil. Sometimes it's only lurking under the surface, waiting to come out. . .Maybe I just want to know that there is something pure in this world. That there is still someone who believes in hope and justice. Yes, that does sound selfish. . .but then I never said I wasn't.
I just can't hurt her. I can't lie to her either. It would be so easy to lie to her, to let her believe I'm her white knight, and let her pour that love into me, let it fill up the darkness. . .but it would still be a lie. I'm not a hero, I'm not even a good person half the time. I'm dark inside, and I wont let myself be fooled into thinking I'm something better just because Amelia has been fooled.
If I stay silent Amelia will get over me eventually. Her crush will fade and soon she'll choose the noble husband that will sit beside her as she rules Sairoon. If I don't? If I don't. . .I'll bring the darkness into her world of light. To love me she'll have to accept the dark things I do at times. Amelia is too innocent to love darkness. . .so she'll have to see the gray. It would hurt her, change her.
I don't want to destroy the only pure thing I've ever known. Amelia's love for me. Amelia herself. That is what I'd do to her if I told her. I wont do that. . .but L-sama how I want to. Sometimes it hits me when I look at her. A deep ache to reach out and take the love she offers so willingly. The need to look into her eyes. . .eyes that don't see the blackness in my soul. I can't, I won't because I know what I am inside. It almost seems fitting that Rezo would give me this body.
Sometimes . . .Sometimes I wonder if I really am a monster. I could destroy her with three simple words. . .I love you. . .
Amelia . . .
Amelia would no doubt find this all tragically romantic. . .but then, she'll never know.