Not knowing what else to do Chandler brought Monica back to his apartment.
Confusion, fear, anxiety—these words did not even begin to describe what
Chandler was feeling. It wasn't just that he had no idea what to say or do
to make Monica feel better, but he had this feeling in the pit of his
stomach that things were changing, for Joe and Monica and for him and
Monica and he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Yes, he had
always hoped that some how he and Monica would end up together, but he
never thought it would be possible, and even though the chance of it
happening was small it terrified him so much that he felt nauseous.
So as he struggled to keep down his lunch Chandler held Monica's hand and navigated the streets and subways of New York that led from the East Village to his apartment uptown. When he opened the door he remembered why he hadn't brought a date back to his place in months, besides the fact that he was pining after a married woman. The apartment was a mess. Shirts, pants, boxers, and towels were strewn all over the couches and the floor where they would remain until he would be faced with the option of doing laundry or going to work naked. He had once told Joe that the scattered clothes were a product of all the passionate encounters that occurred when his dates came back to his place, but in reality he couldn't remember the last time he dated a woman that wanted him so bad she couldn't make it to the bedroom, or vice versa. Dirty dishes in the sink overflowed onto the surrounding counter and the orange juice he spilt on his way to work that morning had formed a sticky yellow lake over the avocado green counter.
Remembering how compulsively neat Monica was he attempted to clear off the couch for her to sit on, but she didn't seem to notice. The closer they got to his apartment the softer the crying had become but as she sat down the memories of the night and the last two years came back to her and she lost control. Chandler didn't know what to do but he remembered that when he was little and a nightmare or something had upset him his mother would gather him in her arms, rock him and rub his back and tell him that it would all be all right. So he took Monica in his arms and rocked her and rubbed her back and told her it would all be all right as the flowery smell of her perfume filled his nostrils. He felt like such a fraud as he did it. How could he tell her that everything would be all right when he had never felt more certain that it wouldn't? But he hated to see her cry, he hated to see her in pain, so he did the only thing he could think of to make her feel better.
Chandler decided that he had to say something. If he could get her talking about what had happened, maybe lightening would strike him and he would know what to do. As he considered his options time passed and when he finally decided on a course of action he looked down to see that she was asleep. 'It's just as well,' he thought, so he lay her down on the couch and covered her up with the only clean blanket in his apartment. He didn't want her to wake up in the middle of the night and think that she was all alone so he took the blankets and pillows from his bed and slept of the floor next to the couch. His thoughts kept him up for a while but finally he fell asleep.
***
After Monica woke up there was one glorious second where she forgot everything that had happened that night. But then she recognized the apartment underneath the clothes and she realized that the man sleeping on the floor next to her was not her husband and she found herself fighting back tears once again. She tried desperately to think of something else or to at least cry in silence but the hormones raging through her body refused to let that happen.
He woke up and before she could even say anything he was sitting next to her, holding her and telling her it would all be all right. She appreciated everything he had done for her but instead of making her feel better it just felt as if he was reminding her of what she didn't have. Every man in that entire city of six million was a better man than the one she had married. It just didn't seem fair. And now she was pregnant, something she had looked forward to since she was a little girl, but she wasn't happy about it. She was married to one man and in the arms of another but she had never felt so alone.
What made it worse was this nagging feeling she had that she didn't have to be. Here she was with a great guy, who had been unsuccessfully hiding his feelings for her for the past two years. All she had to do was say the word and he would do anything she wanted, he would love her and cherish her more than Joe ever had. She had often wondered what it might be like with Chandler, especially when she and Joe fought. The life she envisioned always seemed perfect, but something was missing and she could never quite put her finger on it.
Maybe it was Monica. Maybe she never really put herself into the fantasy, maybe all she had to do was take the risk, maybe her dreams would come true. She looked up at him, looked into his eyes and saw herself. What she saw was a small, tired woman who had forgotten what it felt like to be happy and it scared her. So she did the only thing she could think of to make that woman go away. She kissed him.
***
Joe sat in his chair and stared at the blank screen for hours.
A pregnancy. A baby.
He struggled to make sense of it all, but he couldn't. All he could come up with were hundreds of questions and not a single answer. Would she want to keep the baby? Was he really ready to be a father? Would she leave him if there wasn't a baby? Would she stay with him if there was? Did she still love him? Did he love her?
He knew the answer to the last question; it was the only thing he was sure of anymore. Yes, he loved her, though there were many times he wished he didn't. It sure would make his life a lot easier, but no matter how hard he tried, no matter what she did, he could not stop loving her. He knew he didn't deserve her, he had proved that many times, but for some reason she married him and now she was pregnant with his child.
He knew she had always wanted to have a baby and he knew that accidents happen. He wasn't really ready to be a father but that was no excuse for his behavior. What she had said about taking responsibility had really hit home. For all his faults Joe had never let someone take the fall for his actions but now when it really counted he just sat on the bench and watched the woman he love suffer.
He hated himself. He wished that he had never met Monica, then he could have just been the ass hole that he was born to be and it wouldn't hurt anyone. Of course, he knew that wasn't true, but if he didn't live with the woman he hurt he couldn't see how it hurt her. Ignorance is bliss.
Joe closed his eyes and saw her face. He saw the hope that was in her eyes when she told him she was pregnant then he saw the pain when she walked out. He could never look into her eyes when they fought. She was able to look right through him and turn him into goo. That's why she used to win fights. Now nobody won. They were both losing and it was more than just a fight. Joe was tired of fighting and he was tired of what it was doing to them, not just to their marriage but also to them as people. They weren't happy anymore and it was so bad it was affecting their friends. Whenever Chandler was over Joe got the feeling that he couldn't wait to leave and he was pretty convinced that Ross hated him.
He inhaled and he could smell the lilac perfume that she always wore. She had a tendency to put on too much but he never had the heart to tell her, besides it meant that he could always tell when she was nearby. No matter how bad things got whenever he smelled her perfume it would make him smile, but now it just brought tears to his eyes. It reminded him of what he had had and what he was losing and it was more than he could take.
He realized that this was his last chance. A baby meant a new beginning, one last chance to prove to Monica that he really did love her. He could be a good father if he got his priorities straight and he could be a good husband. When she came back he would tell her how sorry he was and that he wanted to start over. He could never let her go without a fight; he loved her too much.
So as he struggled to keep down his lunch Chandler held Monica's hand and navigated the streets and subways of New York that led from the East Village to his apartment uptown. When he opened the door he remembered why he hadn't brought a date back to his place in months, besides the fact that he was pining after a married woman. The apartment was a mess. Shirts, pants, boxers, and towels were strewn all over the couches and the floor where they would remain until he would be faced with the option of doing laundry or going to work naked. He had once told Joe that the scattered clothes were a product of all the passionate encounters that occurred when his dates came back to his place, but in reality he couldn't remember the last time he dated a woman that wanted him so bad she couldn't make it to the bedroom, or vice versa. Dirty dishes in the sink overflowed onto the surrounding counter and the orange juice he spilt on his way to work that morning had formed a sticky yellow lake over the avocado green counter.
Remembering how compulsively neat Monica was he attempted to clear off the couch for her to sit on, but she didn't seem to notice. The closer they got to his apartment the softer the crying had become but as she sat down the memories of the night and the last two years came back to her and she lost control. Chandler didn't know what to do but he remembered that when he was little and a nightmare or something had upset him his mother would gather him in her arms, rock him and rub his back and tell him that it would all be all right. So he took Monica in his arms and rocked her and rubbed her back and told her it would all be all right as the flowery smell of her perfume filled his nostrils. He felt like such a fraud as he did it. How could he tell her that everything would be all right when he had never felt more certain that it wouldn't? But he hated to see her cry, he hated to see her in pain, so he did the only thing he could think of to make her feel better.
Chandler decided that he had to say something. If he could get her talking about what had happened, maybe lightening would strike him and he would know what to do. As he considered his options time passed and when he finally decided on a course of action he looked down to see that she was asleep. 'It's just as well,' he thought, so he lay her down on the couch and covered her up with the only clean blanket in his apartment. He didn't want her to wake up in the middle of the night and think that she was all alone so he took the blankets and pillows from his bed and slept of the floor next to the couch. His thoughts kept him up for a while but finally he fell asleep.
***
After Monica woke up there was one glorious second where she forgot everything that had happened that night. But then she recognized the apartment underneath the clothes and she realized that the man sleeping on the floor next to her was not her husband and she found herself fighting back tears once again. She tried desperately to think of something else or to at least cry in silence but the hormones raging through her body refused to let that happen.
He woke up and before she could even say anything he was sitting next to her, holding her and telling her it would all be all right. She appreciated everything he had done for her but instead of making her feel better it just felt as if he was reminding her of what she didn't have. Every man in that entire city of six million was a better man than the one she had married. It just didn't seem fair. And now she was pregnant, something she had looked forward to since she was a little girl, but she wasn't happy about it. She was married to one man and in the arms of another but she had never felt so alone.
What made it worse was this nagging feeling she had that she didn't have to be. Here she was with a great guy, who had been unsuccessfully hiding his feelings for her for the past two years. All she had to do was say the word and he would do anything she wanted, he would love her and cherish her more than Joe ever had. She had often wondered what it might be like with Chandler, especially when she and Joe fought. The life she envisioned always seemed perfect, but something was missing and she could never quite put her finger on it.
Maybe it was Monica. Maybe she never really put herself into the fantasy, maybe all she had to do was take the risk, maybe her dreams would come true. She looked up at him, looked into his eyes and saw herself. What she saw was a small, tired woman who had forgotten what it felt like to be happy and it scared her. So she did the only thing she could think of to make that woman go away. She kissed him.
***
Joe sat in his chair and stared at the blank screen for hours.
A pregnancy. A baby.
He struggled to make sense of it all, but he couldn't. All he could come up with were hundreds of questions and not a single answer. Would she want to keep the baby? Was he really ready to be a father? Would she leave him if there wasn't a baby? Would she stay with him if there was? Did she still love him? Did he love her?
He knew the answer to the last question; it was the only thing he was sure of anymore. Yes, he loved her, though there were many times he wished he didn't. It sure would make his life a lot easier, but no matter how hard he tried, no matter what she did, he could not stop loving her. He knew he didn't deserve her, he had proved that many times, but for some reason she married him and now she was pregnant with his child.
He knew she had always wanted to have a baby and he knew that accidents happen. He wasn't really ready to be a father but that was no excuse for his behavior. What she had said about taking responsibility had really hit home. For all his faults Joe had never let someone take the fall for his actions but now when it really counted he just sat on the bench and watched the woman he love suffer.
He hated himself. He wished that he had never met Monica, then he could have just been the ass hole that he was born to be and it wouldn't hurt anyone. Of course, he knew that wasn't true, but if he didn't live with the woman he hurt he couldn't see how it hurt her. Ignorance is bliss.
Joe closed his eyes and saw her face. He saw the hope that was in her eyes when she told him she was pregnant then he saw the pain when she walked out. He could never look into her eyes when they fought. She was able to look right through him and turn him into goo. That's why she used to win fights. Now nobody won. They were both losing and it was more than just a fight. Joe was tired of fighting and he was tired of what it was doing to them, not just to their marriage but also to them as people. They weren't happy anymore and it was so bad it was affecting their friends. Whenever Chandler was over Joe got the feeling that he couldn't wait to leave and he was pretty convinced that Ross hated him.
He inhaled and he could smell the lilac perfume that she always wore. She had a tendency to put on too much but he never had the heart to tell her, besides it meant that he could always tell when she was nearby. No matter how bad things got whenever he smelled her perfume it would make him smile, but now it just brought tears to his eyes. It reminded him of what he had had and what he was losing and it was more than he could take.
He realized that this was his last chance. A baby meant a new beginning, one last chance to prove to Monica that he really did love her. He could be a good father if he got his priorities straight and he could be a good husband. When she came back he would tell her how sorry he was and that he wanted to start over. He could never let her go without a fight; he loved her too much.