E-mail: cheeza@supanet.com
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God I'm a mess! I run to the mirror in the bathroom. I'm not liking what I see - I'm standing in my underwear, hair going everywhere, bags under my eyes because I haven't slept all day and...he'll be here in fifteen minutes. Why do I care so much? It's not like this is some guy I barely know...it's Carter. And there's the reason. I know it's not a date, doesn't mean I shouldn't make the effort - right?
I quickly pull the rollers out of my hair and attempt to make it look...well...like I hadn't just slept on it. Not an easy task, I can tell you! I run back into my bedroom and grab the clothes on the bed. I slip them on, with ease. It took me ages to decide what to wear. He called to say we were going to some Italian restaurant beside the river. I finally decided on simple black dress I bought a couple of months ago. It's nothing special, but it's the only dress I have.
I quickly ran back into the bathroom and apply my make-up. I hear a knock at the door as I finish. I check my appearance and decide it's not gonna get any better. I quickly run to the door but stop, realising I'm not wearing any shoes. There's another knock at the door,
"Hold on. I'm jsut coming!" I yell from the bedroom. Where the hell are my shoes? I can't believe how stupid I'm being - getting this worked up over dinner with a friend. Ooh, there they are. I shove them on and run back to the door. I take a few deep breathes before I open it. Calm down Abby. Calm down. I reach for the handle and pull it back. And there he is.
"Wow! You look...beautiful." He says. Yeah, right! Well I suppose her gets points for trying.
"Thanks. You look good too." I on the other hand, don't have to lie. He does look good. Great! Amazing! I realise I'm staring at him and start to blush.
"So...um...shall we?" He asks, smiling. Relax! I take his outstretched arm and we make our way downstairs.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"You never cease to amaze me Carter," she laughs. That's a compliment right?
"I try!" I finish eating and sit back and smile. This has been great. We talked, we laughed...it was like the past few months hadn't happened. My nervousness from earlier on was long gone. This is Abby. I have nothing to be nervous about. She looks...amazing. I don't think she's ever looked more beautiful. Without realising, I begin to speak again,
"This is fun. I missed this."
"What?" She asks curiously. I smile over at her,
"This, me and you. Talking. I missed it."
"Yeah me too." She puts her fork down on her plate and I glance over at her. So she missed us too. I think back to what Susan said earlier today and again find myself thinking she might be right. Abby seems pretty relaxed. And I can't keep doing this. I don't just miss our chats. I miss *her* and suddenly I feel the need to explain my actions over the past few months. I owe her that.
"I...uh...wanted to talk to you about Susan and I..." I stuttered. She looks at me sharply,
"Carter don't! We're having fun. Can't we talk about this some other time." I reach my hand up to rub the back of my neck. That's what our relationship consists of...laters. If I don't tell her now...I never will,
"No. I've been trying to tell you this for ages but you keep avoiding the subject." She leans back, arms folded as if to shield her from what I'm about to say.
"Fine. Talk" she says sharply.
"I...well, you know Susan and I broke up..." Come to think of it, I have no idea what to say.
"What? You still like her? 'Cause if so, I really don't want to hear this." I look at her strangely. I thought she knew I wasn't really into Susan. Obviously not.
"No. No that's no it. It's about why we broke up. Well...partly it was because there was no chemistry. But mostly...it was because...of...of you. Her eyes snap up to mine, trying to read them,
"Of me?" I'm surprised by her reaction. She really didn't know all this.
"Yeah," I continued, "She knew...um...she knew how I felt, feel about you."
"Carter..." The tone in her voice was telling me to shut up. This could ruin our friendship. And I don't want that...but I can't keep lying to myself,
"Abby, we've danced around this in the past. I was interested, then you were interested. But we never talk about this...thing between us. I'm sick of dancing Abby. I'm sick of pretending I don't feel this way...I love you." Her head drops and she sighs, bringing her hand up to her face. After a few seconds she looks at me, but barely, and whisper,
"Can we go please? I really...I just want to go." Great! I'm going to kill Susan! She said Abby's reaction would surprise me. But this was pretty much as I had expected. I've blown it!
* * * * * * * *
We're sitting by the river. Just sitting there in silence. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. So I don't say anything. He loves me. He loves me. All this time 'dancing' as he put it I never knew that he loved me. I knew he was jealous over Luka, but love...? Part of me hates him. I hate him for doing this - making me face up to our relationship. But the other part, my heart, wants to hold him and tell him that I love him too. So what do I trust? The head or the heart? Everyone says follow your heart, but what if it leads me to pain? I don't think I could take any more of that. Why did he say anything? I finally find my voice and ask,
"Why now?" It comes out as a whisper but I know he heard me. He turns round to look at me,
"Like I said...I can't keep doing this. I need you, and I don't want to pretend anymore."
"We can't be friends anymore." Not now. The line has been crossed. He might not like dancing but at least that way, we could maintain our friendship.
"I don't want to be your friend," he whispers. I try to hold back tears,
"I just...I don't know..." He whisper again. Can we do this? Be more than friends. My hearts screaming 'yes' but my head's telling me to be smart
"Yes you do. You're just scared...I am too. I don't want to lose you Abby, but you can't deny what's going on with us. Why can't we be together? We talk to each other, we know each other. I've never been as close to anyone in my life as I am to you. I love you."
He loves me. He's right. I know he's right. I think back to my conversation with Susan. This is what I want. I feel my resolve break as he whispers again,
"I love you." I turn to him and raise my hand to the side of his face. And I take the leap. I ignore my head, my heart leading me down a new path as I reach up and kiss him lightly. And I know. From that one action, I know that he's it. He's my guy...my Billy.
A/N: Well that's it! Sorry, I couldn't resist. I have to thrown some angst in at the end!!
~ Theresa