Title: Love is a Four Letter Word
Author: Side Project
Contact: sideproject@hotmail.com or on AIM: blckblood69
Archive: ff.net and my site. [http://www.geocities.com/side_project312]
Pairing: Draco Malfoy/ Harry Potter
Rating: As of now- R. I might get myself around to NC-17
Spoilers: Basic HP knowledge.
Author Notes: This story is about Draco, keep that in mind. This also contains cutting, and general angst. *blah* indicates thought, and blah are Draco's flash back.
Chapter Two: Do you have what it takes?
Draco woke, slightly confused. For a moment, he couldn't understand why he wasn't in his canopy bed with the dark green velvet curtains keeping the sun out. He squinted his eyes, and tried to focus. First day… Yawing as he stretched, Draco climbed out of bed.
He pulled his robe over his head, more than anything he wished he didn't have to go to breakfast. It meant facing questions that he wasn't ready to answer. 'Where were you this summer?' 'Why aren't you in our dorm this year?' But there was no point in delaying the inevitable. The questions would be asked whether he went to breakfast now, or later. There was no way he'd escape talking to his fellow housemates the entire school year, although it didn't prevent him from wishing he could.
With a small sigh of regret, he left his room, and walked down to breakfast. The hall was already packed when Draco walked in. He made his way over to the Slytherin table, avoiding any eye contact. Maybe they wouldn't notice him… then he could just sit at the end of the table, eat and get out.
"Draco! Come sit by me. I saved you a place, and Snape gave me your class schedule!" Pansy called.
So much for going unnoticed. This was going to be a long year indeed. He sat beside Pansy snatching his timetable from her grubby paws. He looked over his classes, grimacing.
"Damn it all," he swore. He was going to have to spend almost the entire day with the Gryffindors. It was enough he had to deal with people like Potter during meals, but throughout the day as well… It wasn't fair…
*He looks older, wiser. Something is different about him.*
Draco looked up. Potter was staring again, and he could have sworn he heard him talk. "Just my imagination," he muttered to himself. It was just his own worries that someone might find what happened over the summer. Silly really, he knew his father had kept everything 'quiet'.
* * *
"This year we are going to be working on some of the most dangerous potions, which are also going to be very difficult. For some of you it will be child's play. For others… You will be testing all of your potions on yourselves, so pray you don't create something that kills," Snape said, glaring at Neville.
Draco smirked. Neville wasn't much of a wizard and it was a wonder the poor boy was still in school. If he had placed a bet, he would have said that Longbottom would have only lasted a week. He had to be almost squib; it couldn't be possible for a wizard to be that bad at magic.
"Not only will the potions be difficult, but almost all of them will require two people to work together. I have taken the liberty of assigning everyone partners."
*Malfoy... He always teams me up with Draco...*Draco lifted his eyes, and glanced over at Harry. The boy was staring again. What was with Potter this year?
"Miss Parkinson and Miss Granger"
"Crabbe and Mr. Weasley."
"Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Potter."
The year just got longer. A hell of a lot longer...
Once Snape had finished, everyone reluctantly moved beside his or her new partner. Since Draco had made no attempt to move, Harry sat down beside him. "A few ground rules, Potter," Draco said, not even looking at Harry, "Stop staring. Next, don't talk to me. I'll tell you what to do, just nod if you understand, no touching me either. You do your own work; I won't do it for you, I won't save your ass like Granger does."
"One question… If I may?"
"What Potter?"
"What does it take to melt that wall of ice you have built between you and the rest of the world?" Harry asked.
Draco felt the blood rush to his cheeks, "I told you not to talk to me. One more word and I'm asking for another partner."
*Stupid! Stupid! You should have kept your mouth shut.*
"Yes, you should have."
Harry's jaw dropped. He looked as if he'd been slapped. "Did I say that out loud?"
Draco groaned at Potter's stupidity but said nothing. Snape had started lecturing, so he took out his parchment, and tried to concentrate on taking notes. It was hard with Potter looking at him like he was. What was his problem?
Later that evening, Draco decided that asking for a new partner was an idle threat. After all, there were worse people to be teamed up with.
* * *
It was late. Draco rolled over in bed, trying to get comfortable, but whatever he did he was always either too hot, or too cold. The sheets seemed to cling to his body, and no matter what way he lay it bothered him. Not only that, he was tired and angry, and more than anything he wanted to cut… Every time he closed his eyes, he could feel the cool blade in his skin… He could taste the blood on his tongue… He needed to cut… When the blood was flowing, Draco felt at peace with himself. He could deal with anything. When he cut, he could bleed away the pain.
The need was eating away at him, and Draco knew he couldn't fight the addiction much longer. He had spent most of the summer without it, but only because he had been tied down to a bed. The few times he'd tried to cut, someone had always caught him before he could get into it. Since he had been back to school he hadn't cut at all, but seeing as how this was only his third day back…
His father still thought he had been trying to kill himself. Draco had just laughed in his face, and told him the idea was idiotic. If had really wanted to kill himself he would have done it properly. A muggle gun, or poison… there were even a few dark spells that he knew could do the job. Committing suicide by cutting was just too messy, and it took much too long.
Draco clicked on the lamp beside his bed, and reached for the small razor. He let it lay in the palm of his hand. The metal reflected the light, shining it back into his eyes.
"No," he said sternly, strong enough to make himself obey. He was going to resist as long as he could. Dumbledore had faith in him, so how hard was it to have a little faith in himself?
Draco climbed out of bed, and pulled a pair of jeans on from off the floor. He pulled his robe on, and slipped his wand into his pocket. All he really needed was a walk to clear his head.
* * *
Draco found himself in one of the eastern towers. It was quiet and secluded… And all his… He opened up one of the balcony doors, and just let the night air blow in. It was so relaxing, that Draco laid his head back, feeling more at peace here than he had anywhere else.
*What is he still doing up?*
Jerking his head up, he looked around the room. "Potter if you're here, so help me, I'm going to kill you." 'Why did he always have to ruin things for me? I hate him.'
*He must have heard me… Late at night, and Draco is all alone… But he's mad… but who knows when I'll get another chance like this…*
"Go to hell Potter."
The invisibility cloak dropped, "'Ello to you too. How did you know I was here?"
"I just did. Leave."
"I'd like to talk to you…" Harry said, ruffling his hair nervously. He had that ravished little boy look… It was almost cute…
"Fine, then I'll leave!" Draco said getting up. He brushed past Potter, their shoulders clashing.
"About this summer…"
He stopped, frozen in his tracks.
"What…?"
"I know what happened."
Draco sneered, "I should have figured. So what do you want? To black mail me?"
"I know a guy whose parents are there too … He saw you. No one else but him and I know. I mentioned to him that you'd changed over the summer, and he told me. I'm not going to blackmail you, I just want to know why."
"Why? You could never understand Potter. Never. You have the perfect hero life. I'm the villain."
"I don't have the perfect life. I lived with the worst bunch of muggles until I was eleven. I didn't even know I was a wizard! I don't have parents because of what I am… Now tell me, how is that perfect?" Harry said.
"Save it for your autobiography."
"Make me understand."
"Understand what?" Draco asked, and pushed Harry.
"This!" he said, and grabbed Draco's wrist. *I want to save you.*
"There's nothing left to save. I don't need your help. I don't need anyone to understand… Especially not you. The only thing I want is for you to leave me alone. Stay the fuck away!" Draco yelled, he could feel the tears coming, and the desire to cut was becoming unbearable.
He crumbled, shaking and sobbing. He felt arms wrap around his body, a soothing voice, and a hand smoothing down his hair.
He felt oddly safe being so close to Potter. And for the first time, in a long time, the cold darkness faded to into the background.