Author's note: Some system or another does not want to support html, so stage directions or whichever are in //'s, word emphasises are in **'s.
Author's feeble request: Please R/R!!!
Disclaimer: Loki and Bartleby were created by Kevin Smith. I am not Kevin Smith. Thank you.
R for language
***
"I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I'm here, I can't--"
"Dude, would you shut the fuck up already?" Loki said, tapping his feet against the junction where the wall and the floor met. There was a strip of linoleum that made an interesting if not completely annoying sound against the bottom of his Hush Puppies.
"We've been waiting in line for *three hours*, Loki!" Bartleby yelled, causing a few people in front of them to turn around and stare incredulously.
Loki laughed feebly and offered the watchers a wave. They slowly turned around, some of them grumbling, and he attacked his fellow angel. "We're in the middle of a fucking *mall*, you dick. Try to blend in, okay? Don't be calling me 'Loki' at the top of your fucking lungs. Do you want to get us in trouble?"
"Do you want me to kick your fucking ass?" Bartleby said irritably.
"Oh, would you?" Loki faux-begged. "Would you please? Then at last I could die happy, Barry, dear..."
"Shut it," Bartleby said, clamping a hand over Loki's mouth and looking around nervously. When he was at last satisfied that no one was looking, he released his fellow angel. "You sound like that Quentin jerk," he complained.
"Would you like some cheese to go with your whine?" Loki said. "You're just pissed because he fired your lame ass."
"Wine...man, I miss that stuff," Bartleby said fondly.
"As I recall, it was you who screwed that over for us," Loki answered. "For everyone, for that matter. The Voice is still pretty pissed about it."
"Jesus Christ, man, that was *eons* ago, you think he'd let it go by now."
"You know he's a lush. Hey, the line's moving!"
Sure enough, the line that the two angels had been waiting in for quite some time now was finally moving. The local software store had at last opened. It was epic to witness, as the neat line of polite individuals suddenly transformed into a harried mass of screaming, cursing, violent savages. Loki included himself in this mob, using his ethereal powers to the best of his ability while still managing to be anonymous, and securing his beloved Superstation Cube.
Bartleby relaxed against the window of the store, calmly studying his hands as he listened to frantic screams and cries of pain. This was like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.
Finally Loki emerged, little splotches of red splattering his coat, a large box clutched firmly to his chest.
"I hope you paid for that," Bartleby said.
"In a manner of speaking," Loki said, looking frantically over Bartleby's shoulder into the store, then grabbing his friend's hand. "C'mon," he said breathlessly, and took off running.
Bartleby only got to glance over his shoulder a second before he was half-dragged throughout the mall, and saw an angry mob forming and chasing after the two of them.
"What the fuck did you do?" Bartleby cried, as the two of them ducked into a maternity store and hid behind a headless mannequin decked out in a shirt bearing the slogan "Baby On Board". The small crowd rumbled past the store, and the angels dared to lift their heads.
"Remember when Tickle Me Elmo came out?" Loki said.
Bartleby gaped. "*Fuck*, Loki, not *again*," he said, and glanced out of the store. "We'd better make ourselves scarce," he said, and they bustled out of the store as efficiently as they could. "I can't believe you," he said, as they walked quickly through the mall.
"I couldn't help it!" Loki said. "Honestly, they're animals in there! Dog-eat-dog!"
"Jesus, Loki, we've already been kicked out of Heaven twice. Are you fucking masochistic?"
"I couldn't help it!" Loki repeated. He stopped dead, hysterical. "I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, I--"
Bartleby didn't want to make more of a scene than they already had. He patted his friend's shoulder reassuringly, and said, "It'll be all right, Sparky. C'mon, let's go home."
They started off again, but had made it no farther than five feet when they heard a cry of "THERE THEY ARE!"
"Shit!" Bartleby said, and the angels took off running again. "In here!" He grabbed Loki's arm, steered him around a sharp corner, and into a lingerie store. Without stopping to look back, they dove into the dressing rooms and locked themselves into stalls.
They remained in there a few minutes, somewhat scaring the employees and patrons, all of whom were women. When they finally emerged, they walked through the store quickly and silently, Loki still holding his large box to his chest, and out the door without looking back.
Neither of them noticed, or if they did, they chose to ignore, the red lacy undergarments that were sticking to random folds in their trench coats.
As the pair walked sullenly out of the store, one shopper could've sworn she heard the shorter one say, "Does this remind you of when Harry Potter four came out?"
***FIN***
Author's feeble request: Please R/R!!!
Disclaimer: Loki and Bartleby were created by Kevin Smith. I am not Kevin Smith. Thank you.
R for language
***
"I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I'm here, I can't--"
"Dude, would you shut the fuck up already?" Loki said, tapping his feet against the junction where the wall and the floor met. There was a strip of linoleum that made an interesting if not completely annoying sound against the bottom of his Hush Puppies.
"We've been waiting in line for *three hours*, Loki!" Bartleby yelled, causing a few people in front of them to turn around and stare incredulously.
Loki laughed feebly and offered the watchers a wave. They slowly turned around, some of them grumbling, and he attacked his fellow angel. "We're in the middle of a fucking *mall*, you dick. Try to blend in, okay? Don't be calling me 'Loki' at the top of your fucking lungs. Do you want to get us in trouble?"
"Do you want me to kick your fucking ass?" Bartleby said irritably.
"Oh, would you?" Loki faux-begged. "Would you please? Then at last I could die happy, Barry, dear..."
"Shut it," Bartleby said, clamping a hand over Loki's mouth and looking around nervously. When he was at last satisfied that no one was looking, he released his fellow angel. "You sound like that Quentin jerk," he complained.
"Would you like some cheese to go with your whine?" Loki said. "You're just pissed because he fired your lame ass."
"Wine...man, I miss that stuff," Bartleby said fondly.
"As I recall, it was you who screwed that over for us," Loki answered. "For everyone, for that matter. The Voice is still pretty pissed about it."
"Jesus Christ, man, that was *eons* ago, you think he'd let it go by now."
"You know he's a lush. Hey, the line's moving!"
Sure enough, the line that the two angels had been waiting in for quite some time now was finally moving. The local software store had at last opened. It was epic to witness, as the neat line of polite individuals suddenly transformed into a harried mass of screaming, cursing, violent savages. Loki included himself in this mob, using his ethereal powers to the best of his ability while still managing to be anonymous, and securing his beloved Superstation Cube.
Bartleby relaxed against the window of the store, calmly studying his hands as he listened to frantic screams and cries of pain. This was like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.
Finally Loki emerged, little splotches of red splattering his coat, a large box clutched firmly to his chest.
"I hope you paid for that," Bartleby said.
"In a manner of speaking," Loki said, looking frantically over Bartleby's shoulder into the store, then grabbing his friend's hand. "C'mon," he said breathlessly, and took off running.
Bartleby only got to glance over his shoulder a second before he was half-dragged throughout the mall, and saw an angry mob forming and chasing after the two of them.
"What the fuck did you do?" Bartleby cried, as the two of them ducked into a maternity store and hid behind a headless mannequin decked out in a shirt bearing the slogan "Baby On Board". The small crowd rumbled past the store, and the angels dared to lift their heads.
"Remember when Tickle Me Elmo came out?" Loki said.
Bartleby gaped. "*Fuck*, Loki, not *again*," he said, and glanced out of the store. "We'd better make ourselves scarce," he said, and they bustled out of the store as efficiently as they could. "I can't believe you," he said, as they walked quickly through the mall.
"I couldn't help it!" Loki said. "Honestly, they're animals in there! Dog-eat-dog!"
"Jesus, Loki, we've already been kicked out of Heaven twice. Are you fucking masochistic?"
"I couldn't help it!" Loki repeated. He stopped dead, hysterical. "I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, I--"
Bartleby didn't want to make more of a scene than they already had. He patted his friend's shoulder reassuringly, and said, "It'll be all right, Sparky. C'mon, let's go home."
They started off again, but had made it no farther than five feet when they heard a cry of "THERE THEY ARE!"
"Shit!" Bartleby said, and the angels took off running again. "In here!" He grabbed Loki's arm, steered him around a sharp corner, and into a lingerie store. Without stopping to look back, they dove into the dressing rooms and locked themselves into stalls.
They remained in there a few minutes, somewhat scaring the employees and patrons, all of whom were women. When they finally emerged, they walked through the store quickly and silently, Loki still holding his large box to his chest, and out the door without looking back.
Neither of them noticed, or if they did, they chose to ignore, the red lacy undergarments that were sticking to random folds in their trench coats.
As the pair walked sullenly out of the store, one shopper could've sworn she heard the shorter one say, "Does this remind you of when Harry Potter four came out?"
***FIN***