Fidelity
By Djinn
You sit with Spock in the mess
Trying to get food past your throat
You want to pay attention to him
To your friend, who knows you're aching
But all you can focus on is
That they're going to take Chris away
Bones will have to report her injuries
Her lack of response to treatment
He's down a doctor and it's been a week
You know Starfleet has better facilities
But you won't be there and she'll know
Won't she? She'll know
Jim?
Sorry. Distracted
Understood
Bones comes into the mess
And you hate seeing him
Your other best friend
Here to break your heart
Here to tell you she's being readied for transfer
You breathe in sharply, loudly enough for
Spock to turn to you
Jim?
It's time
Your voice breaks as you say it
You swallow visibly, but you don't care
If Spock sees it—if he recognizes the fear
He knows how you feel and he's
The only one who's given you hope
After he melded with Chris, trying to wake her up
Unable but sure she's still in there
She just wasn't...reachable yet
Tell me she'll wake up
Silence
For the love of God, tell me that
Or I'll never be able to let her go
Vulcans don't lie and yet he says she will
She will wake up and you mustn't lose hope
And he almost—almost—sounds like
He actually believes that
And then Bones is sitting and you're ready
You're ready to hear that he's tearing her
Away from you
We had a meeting
Who had a meeting?
You let him go on, don't ask stupid questions
Hoping against hope that a meeting means
He found a way—any way—to keep
The woman you love on board
And he has
Not a solution that works for long
But for a few more weeks, they'll cover her shifts
She'll be listed as recovering, not...unresponsive
She can stay?
She can stay
Spock studies Bones, finally asks him
A question you want to throttle him for
But also know is exactly right
He's the conscience in this, the voice of reason
Of protocol and the greater good
Because you can't be—not about this
Did Bones ask them to do it—put pressure on them
Out of affection for her, his deputy, his former nurse, his friend?
It has to be voluntary, Doctor
It is
You need to go to her and you leave your tray
Because they'll take care of it the same way they're
Taking care of you and her
A moment later you're in sickbay
In the quiet, darkened room she lies in
Machines breathing for her, her skin
Shining from regen but it looks better than it did
Yesterday and the day before that
She's improving—on the outside, anyway
Hi, sweetheart. You don't have to leave
Bones found a way, but you need to wake up
You have to come back to me
There's no change in her vitals
No sign she can hear you until
You take her hand like you have every day
Since she was hurt and you feel...something
A squeeze—a pulse, something anyway
So you say it again, closer to her ear, lower
Husky, the way she likes your voice when
You're making love, when she takes you in and
You forget everything except her
I love you, Chris
You haven't told her that yet
You were still new and even though she was
All you could see, you were both cautious
You'd both been hurt
By declarations said too soon
And you thought you had time
Until you found out you might not
So you tell her now, over and over
I love you, I love you, I love you
And each time, you feel it
The slightest tension, pressure
Her, there, hearing you
Working to get back to you
Stubborn—she's so relentless when
She wants something, whether it's a billet
On your ship to look for Roger or the last of the
Cookies you grabbed from the mess
If she wants this, she'll fight her way back
Where were we?
You let go of her hand and sit in the comfy chair
Nurse Hampton dragged into the room for you
You reach for the padd you keep by the biobed
As you settle into the peace of the room
Into the steady sound of her breathing
The memory of her fluttering strength
Against your palm bolsters you
As you resume reading her headlines
News from home, anything that's
Happy and good and funny
Things that would make her laugh
If she were awake
Things that will make her laugh again
When she finally wakes up
You stop reading, reach for her hand
I love you
Come back to me
You feel the answering squeeze, stronger this time
Closing your eyes, you exhale a week's worth
Of hell—you're tired, so damned tired
But she's going to be okay
She has to be
You realize you're squeezing her too hard and while
Her breathing is the same and her eyes stay closed
You feel...something
And it makes you smile as if you're
Suddenly a touch telepath like Spock
You imagine her reaction to how run-down
You've let yourself become
The way her voice would dip, becoming
Husky in a mix of lust and concern
The ways her eyes would shine
The lazy smile—so sure she can distract you
And always, always right about that
What's it going to take, Jim, to make you
Stop working and come to bed?
You, Chris. Only you
(Pairing: Kirk/Chapel, written in 2020)