Lullabies and Nightmares
AN: Sorry for the incredibly huge delay! I've been extremely busy. But I do plan on continuing this fic if anyone still wants to hang around and read it. Sorry again for taking so long though. It won't happen again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanna be there when you're feeling down.
And I'll be there when your head is spinnin 'round.
Gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I wanna be there til the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Carter! We have two GSW's coming in five. You and Susan take the first victim, Luka and I will take the second."
Carter nodded in reply to Kerry's orders. He'd been so proud when he'd been officially named the Chief Resident at County. But the job didn't offer as many perks as he'd thought. Of course the hours were unfavorable, but he'd always known that. Getting bossed around by Kerry was another aspect of the job that he didn't care for. Kerry was great, outside of work at least. But being Attending had gone to her head.
He missed Mark. No matter how much authority Mark possessed in any situation he always treated everybody equally. Carter remembered his first day, when he'd gotten sick during a particularly gory trauma. Mark had taken the time to follow him outside, and quite possibly save his career. At that point Carter had been convinced that he was not cut out to be a doctor. But Mark had reassured him, made him believe in his inner calling again.
Carter smiled at the memory. Now Mark's daughter was at his apartment, asleep. He was worried about her. She didn't do much except sleep and occassionally eat when he or Abby forced her to. She smiled more now, but there was still a vacant space in her eyes. There was still something missing.
The situation with Abby was another story. She and Rachel got along great. Rachel seemed to be able to relate to her. Occassionally Carter even felt left out when the "girls" would laugh about something men did or a womanly topic. But it was good for Rachel, and that was what mattered most.
He and Abby seemed to be at a standstill. Clearly neither wanted to make the first move. He'd already tried that, and didn't feel like being knocked down again. If Abby wanted to be with him she would have to say something. He just hoped she knew this.
"Having trouble signing in?" He turned to see Susan Lewis standing behind him. He realized that he'd been daydreaming while staring at the blank computer screen. He grinned and shook his head slightly.
"Na, just a little brain freeze."
"Maybe you should try wearing a hat, Carter."
He froze at the thought. The strangest sense of De Ja Vu flashed through him.
"What'd you say Susan?" He asked.
"Wow, you really are out of it today." She gave him her trademark amused look.
"No...uh yea I guess I am. Its just, Mark said that to me once, my first year here."
"Strange." Susan commented after a moment.
Just then a gurney burst through the ambulance bay doors. Paramedics were yelling orders left and right and Susan and Carter locked eyes.
"Show time." Susan said and hurried over, Carter not far behind her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanna be there when you're feeling high.
I wanna be there when you wanna die.
I'm gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feel your flame.
I wanna be there when you go insane.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rachel let her eyes wander over the pictures in the photo albums. Carter had stacks of them hidden in one of the closets in his apartment. Sure, she had been snooping. But she had nothing better to do and she was sure Carter wouldn't mind. She stumbled upon a page of recently photos. They were of the doctors and nurses in the ER where Carter worked. There was one of the funny desk clerk, Jerry, with a group of nurses all around him. He was holding a handful of mistletoe above his head, but only one nurse was puckered up. She laughed when she realized it was Malik.
Then there was one with the red headed doctor and Carter together. From what she'd heard the two had been pretty close. They'd even lived together for a short time. She couldn't see how Carter would like someone like her though. Since she was a kid she'd never liked that doctor. She remembered that her dad used to say bad things about her too.
The next picture made her freeze in place. It was a picture of her father and Susan Lewis together. She remembered Susan. No matter how hard she tried as a child, she could never dislike her. The woman was just too much fun. For a while she thought Susan was going to be her step-mother. In a way she wished it had happened that way. Her father could have found worse women then Elizabeth to marry, but they were never really in love.
"Hey Rach. What's that?" Abby walked up from behind her and sat down. Abby had the day off. She and Carter had been altering days so that she wouldn't be alone as much. In a way, it was kind of annoying. But she understood. They had no reason to trust her. She didn't even trust herself. Especially at night, when the cravings were the worst.
"Pictures. Um...I'm sorry I know I shouldn't have been snooping but..." She apologized quickly.
"But you couldn't resist huh? I can't blame ya. I'm sure we can find a lot of useful stuff around here to torture Carter with. Oh, any naked baby pictures in here?" She moved to look through the book but stopped when she noticed the one picture of Mark.
"I wish I could have spent more time with him before he died." Rachel said suddenly. She almost startled at the spontinaity of the comment. Abby's eyes widened for a second, but she didn't seem shocked.
"It seems like there's never enough time to spend with the people you love." She paused. "And what time there is goes by too fast."
"Let me guess...you're going to tell me that "thats life" and "get used to it"." Rachel replied.
Abby just looked at her for a moment and smiled reassuringly.
"No. That's what people have told me my whole life. I was going to say that you never get used to it. If something is painful and causes more pain then...anything else, you shouldn't let yourself get used to it. You should make it better or at least make yourself better. You shouldn't stop until you're happy."
Rachel just stared in amazement at Abby. There was so much more there then she could ever have guessed.
Abby shrugged and laughed uncomfortably. "But I'm not the one to listen to. I don't exactly have it together these days."
Rachel reached out and touched Abby's hand kindly.
"You will. Carter will help you like he helped me."
Abby smiled back at her. "Well that's up to Carter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You wouldn't know that I was there
Cause I have been there all the time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trauma room was in complete chaos. The patient was bleeding out and Carter had the privelage of being the one to find the brain matter in the man, no boys, hair. It didn't look good.
"Carter should I get more o neg? We're almost out." Chuny looked to him for guidance. The hidden question had been posed. Now it was his time to decide.
It was the moment of truth. Do you give up or continue the fight?
He dropped his stethoscope from his ears and sighed.
"No. That's it." He looked at the clock. "Time of death: 2:51."
Chuny began to clean up, but Carter stopped her.
"No that's ok. I'll do it." Seeing that he was serious, Chuny nodded and followed the other nurses out. Carter began the process of cleaning up the room.
"Need some help?" He turned to see Susan . She was removing her bloody gloves.
"If your up for it." He replied.
"Its better then listening to Kerry brag about how she used the sternal saw to save her patient."
"She's still talking about that? I thought by now she would have found a new toy to play with."
"You know Kerry, when she finds something good she sinks her teeth in."
Carter grimaced. "That brings up images I'd rather not thing about right now."
Susan smiled. "Ugh, your right. Sorry." She helped him gather the instruments. "But speaking of finding something good...how are you and Abby doing?"
Carter looked up and smiled. "Me and Abby? I don't think such a thing exists."
"That's not what you said when we broke up." Susan replied. It was a comment that could have been bitter if not for the gracious smile.
"Well that was different." Susan stopped at his reply.
"How was that different?" His eyes widened.
"Well, that was 'hopeful Carter'." He even stopped to emphasize the quotes with his fingers. "That Carter no longer exists." Susan just cocked her head in anticipation.
"So what Carter are you currently?" She too used quotes. He smiled warmly.
"Currently I am 'grown up Carter'. No more hoping and praying for things that just aren't going to happen. I'm not a kid anymore. I have people counting on me. I can't be living in a dream world."
He stopped to really look at the kid on the table. "This is the real world. Death is reality."
"Ouch. Since when did you become so cynical?" Susan questioned.
"Used to be this way actually. Then after I moved away from home I loosened up a bit."
Susan just nodded. She knew he didn't need a lecture. "So what should I be expecting next? "Malibu Carter" or maybe "Lifeguard Carter". I could see you with a nice tan and sun glasses..."
"Very funny." He said, but was holding back laughter himself. "I do tan nicely though. Maybe I should have been a lifeguard." He eyed her with a questioning gaze, waiting for her reaction.
"Na, they have to sit in those really tall chairs. Remember the incident with the ladder and the light bulb?"
They both tossed the final soiled garments and began the check list.
"I thought we were never going to speak of that again." Carter said through clenched teeth. Susan just laughed.
"Maybe you thought so, but I never agreed to it." She smiled a devious grin.
"I distinctly remember you and Mark promising..." He stopped when he realized the slip.
Susan frowned. "I forget that he's gone sometimes too."
Carter squeezed her shoulder lightly and proceeded to finish the task at hand.
AN: Sorry for the incredibly huge delay! I've been extremely busy. But I do plan on continuing this fic if anyone still wants to hang around and read it. Sorry again for taking so long though. It won't happen again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanna be there when you're feeling down.
And I'll be there when your head is spinnin 'round.
Gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I wanna be there til the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Carter! We have two GSW's coming in five. You and Susan take the first victim, Luka and I will take the second."
Carter nodded in reply to Kerry's orders. He'd been so proud when he'd been officially named the Chief Resident at County. But the job didn't offer as many perks as he'd thought. Of course the hours were unfavorable, but he'd always known that. Getting bossed around by Kerry was another aspect of the job that he didn't care for. Kerry was great, outside of work at least. But being Attending had gone to her head.
He missed Mark. No matter how much authority Mark possessed in any situation he always treated everybody equally. Carter remembered his first day, when he'd gotten sick during a particularly gory trauma. Mark had taken the time to follow him outside, and quite possibly save his career. At that point Carter had been convinced that he was not cut out to be a doctor. But Mark had reassured him, made him believe in his inner calling again.
Carter smiled at the memory. Now Mark's daughter was at his apartment, asleep. He was worried about her. She didn't do much except sleep and occassionally eat when he or Abby forced her to. She smiled more now, but there was still a vacant space in her eyes. There was still something missing.
The situation with Abby was another story. She and Rachel got along great. Rachel seemed to be able to relate to her. Occassionally Carter even felt left out when the "girls" would laugh about something men did or a womanly topic. But it was good for Rachel, and that was what mattered most.
He and Abby seemed to be at a standstill. Clearly neither wanted to make the first move. He'd already tried that, and didn't feel like being knocked down again. If Abby wanted to be with him she would have to say something. He just hoped she knew this.
"Having trouble signing in?" He turned to see Susan Lewis standing behind him. He realized that he'd been daydreaming while staring at the blank computer screen. He grinned and shook his head slightly.
"Na, just a little brain freeze."
"Maybe you should try wearing a hat, Carter."
He froze at the thought. The strangest sense of De Ja Vu flashed through him.
"What'd you say Susan?" He asked.
"Wow, you really are out of it today." She gave him her trademark amused look.
"No...uh yea I guess I am. Its just, Mark said that to me once, my first year here."
"Strange." Susan commented after a moment.
Just then a gurney burst through the ambulance bay doors. Paramedics were yelling orders left and right and Susan and Carter locked eyes.
"Show time." Susan said and hurried over, Carter not far behind her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanna be there when you're feeling high.
I wanna be there when you wanna die.
I'm gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feel your flame.
I wanna be there when you go insane.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rachel let her eyes wander over the pictures in the photo albums. Carter had stacks of them hidden in one of the closets in his apartment. Sure, she had been snooping. But she had nothing better to do and she was sure Carter wouldn't mind. She stumbled upon a page of recently photos. They were of the doctors and nurses in the ER where Carter worked. There was one of the funny desk clerk, Jerry, with a group of nurses all around him. He was holding a handful of mistletoe above his head, but only one nurse was puckered up. She laughed when she realized it was Malik.
Then there was one with the red headed doctor and Carter together. From what she'd heard the two had been pretty close. They'd even lived together for a short time. She couldn't see how Carter would like someone like her though. Since she was a kid she'd never liked that doctor. She remembered that her dad used to say bad things about her too.
The next picture made her freeze in place. It was a picture of her father and Susan Lewis together. She remembered Susan. No matter how hard she tried as a child, she could never dislike her. The woman was just too much fun. For a while she thought Susan was going to be her step-mother. In a way she wished it had happened that way. Her father could have found worse women then Elizabeth to marry, but they were never really in love.
"Hey Rach. What's that?" Abby walked up from behind her and sat down. Abby had the day off. She and Carter had been altering days so that she wouldn't be alone as much. In a way, it was kind of annoying. But she understood. They had no reason to trust her. She didn't even trust herself. Especially at night, when the cravings were the worst.
"Pictures. Um...I'm sorry I know I shouldn't have been snooping but..." She apologized quickly.
"But you couldn't resist huh? I can't blame ya. I'm sure we can find a lot of useful stuff around here to torture Carter with. Oh, any naked baby pictures in here?" She moved to look through the book but stopped when she noticed the one picture of Mark.
"I wish I could have spent more time with him before he died." Rachel said suddenly. She almost startled at the spontinaity of the comment. Abby's eyes widened for a second, but she didn't seem shocked.
"It seems like there's never enough time to spend with the people you love." She paused. "And what time there is goes by too fast."
"Let me guess...you're going to tell me that "thats life" and "get used to it"." Rachel replied.
Abby just looked at her for a moment and smiled reassuringly.
"No. That's what people have told me my whole life. I was going to say that you never get used to it. If something is painful and causes more pain then...anything else, you shouldn't let yourself get used to it. You should make it better or at least make yourself better. You shouldn't stop until you're happy."
Rachel just stared in amazement at Abby. There was so much more there then she could ever have guessed.
Abby shrugged and laughed uncomfortably. "But I'm not the one to listen to. I don't exactly have it together these days."
Rachel reached out and touched Abby's hand kindly.
"You will. Carter will help you like he helped me."
Abby smiled back at her. "Well that's up to Carter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You wouldn't know that I was there
Cause I have been there all the time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trauma room was in complete chaos. The patient was bleeding out and Carter had the privelage of being the one to find the brain matter in the man, no boys, hair. It didn't look good.
"Carter should I get more o neg? We're almost out." Chuny looked to him for guidance. The hidden question had been posed. Now it was his time to decide.
It was the moment of truth. Do you give up or continue the fight?
He dropped his stethoscope from his ears and sighed.
"No. That's it." He looked at the clock. "Time of death: 2:51."
Chuny began to clean up, but Carter stopped her.
"No that's ok. I'll do it." Seeing that he was serious, Chuny nodded and followed the other nurses out. Carter began the process of cleaning up the room.
"Need some help?" He turned to see Susan . She was removing her bloody gloves.
"If your up for it." He replied.
"Its better then listening to Kerry brag about how she used the sternal saw to save her patient."
"She's still talking about that? I thought by now she would have found a new toy to play with."
"You know Kerry, when she finds something good she sinks her teeth in."
Carter grimaced. "That brings up images I'd rather not thing about right now."
Susan smiled. "Ugh, your right. Sorry." She helped him gather the instruments. "But speaking of finding something good...how are you and Abby doing?"
Carter looked up and smiled. "Me and Abby? I don't think such a thing exists."
"That's not what you said when we broke up." Susan replied. It was a comment that could have been bitter if not for the gracious smile.
"Well that was different." Susan stopped at his reply.
"How was that different?" His eyes widened.
"Well, that was 'hopeful Carter'." He even stopped to emphasize the quotes with his fingers. "That Carter no longer exists." Susan just cocked her head in anticipation.
"So what Carter are you currently?" She too used quotes. He smiled warmly.
"Currently I am 'grown up Carter'. No more hoping and praying for things that just aren't going to happen. I'm not a kid anymore. I have people counting on me. I can't be living in a dream world."
He stopped to really look at the kid on the table. "This is the real world. Death is reality."
"Ouch. Since when did you become so cynical?" Susan questioned.
"Used to be this way actually. Then after I moved away from home I loosened up a bit."
Susan just nodded. She knew he didn't need a lecture. "So what should I be expecting next? "Malibu Carter" or maybe "Lifeguard Carter". I could see you with a nice tan and sun glasses..."
"Very funny." He said, but was holding back laughter himself. "I do tan nicely though. Maybe I should have been a lifeguard." He eyed her with a questioning gaze, waiting for her reaction.
"Na, they have to sit in those really tall chairs. Remember the incident with the ladder and the light bulb?"
They both tossed the final soiled garments and began the check list.
"I thought we were never going to speak of that again." Carter said through clenched teeth. Susan just laughed.
"Maybe you thought so, but I never agreed to it." She smiled a devious grin.
"I distinctly remember you and Mark promising..." He stopped when he realized the slip.
Susan frowned. "I forget that he's gone sometimes too."
Carter squeezed her shoulder lightly and proceeded to finish the task at hand.