Lullabies and Nightmares
Chapter 11: The Return of Mother
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the people in it.
Authors Note: Once again life got in the way of writing. =( But I think I made up for it with this chapter. I hope you all like it. I didn't know the name of Carters maid (did she even have one?). Anyway I made one up and if somebody out there knows it and can let me know I'd be much obliged. Anyway, enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cause you've got so much to give,
But you throw it all away.
And all you've got to show for
Who you are is pain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a breezy Sunday morning when the call came in. Carter was still asleep, on the pull out couch since he'd given Rachel his bed. He'd thought about finding a bigger place since he now had Rachel to take care of, but he'd found nothing acceptable to his high standards just yet. That was the problem with growing up in the lap of luxury, nothing is ever good enough.
Abby had gone home for the weekend, promising Rachel and Carter that she would return Monday after her shift was over. A girl could only go so long with the same four outfits, plus her rent was due and the neighbors were starting to get suspicious of the increasing growing pile of newspapers on her doorstep. Because of all of this she'd decided it was time to go home.
Rachel was the first to wake up to the sound of the telephone. She waited two rings, hoping Carter would pick it up. When he didn't, she went to the phone.
"Hello?" She said sleepily.
"Rachel...honey? Its me...mom."
The world spun off its axis and Rachel's stomach did a flip flop. This was the moment she'd been dreading.
"Hi mom."
"Rachel are you ok? Craig and I miss you so much." There was a short pause. When Rachel didn't respond Jen continued. "Come home honey. We need you at home."
Rachel closed her eyes and gripped the phone so tight that her knuckles turned white.
/Please wake up Carter.../
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby groaned as the sound of knocking woke her from her peaceful slumber. After sleeping on Carter's pull out for the last week, her bed was a nice change. Not that she didn't like being near Carter, although he had insisted on sleeping on the floor. She hadn't argued though. She didn't want to push him into something he didn't want or may not be ready for. Plus, his main concern at the moment was Rachel and finding a way to keep her safe. She didn't want to take his attention away from that.
Once again the loud knocking jolted her from her daydream. Somebody was banging on her door quite loudly. She felt a chill rush through her spine at the remembrance of the incident with Brian. She had to remind herself that he had moved away. That she was safe, right?
Abby pulled on her purple bathrobe and headed out into the living room. The knocking continued as she stifled a yawn and felt her way along the wall. The apartment was bright due to the sunlight peeping in through the blinds, but her eyes had yet to get used to the change. She squinted her way to the door and pulled open the numerous locks that kept the ugliness of the real world outside.
She pulled the door open and caught her breath.
"Mom?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carter tossed and turned in his sleep as the nightmare consumed him. Her could feel her hands touching him, the way she spoke so quietly yet forcefully. The way she made him feel like a disobedient child for not taking his clothes off and letting her do as she pleased.
These dreams haunted him every night. Lately, with Rachel and Abby around, they hadn't occurred as often. He figured it was because the girls distracted him from his own problems and fears. They gave him something other then himself to focus on.
"Please...no...stop..." He heard himself mutter, but she wouldn't stop. She never did. It never ended until she wanted it to end.
He curled himself into a tight ball and choked on his sobs. They weren't loud, just quick intakes of breath and sniffling. This was how he cried. This was how he always cried. If he cried loudly then he would have woken up his mother. She needed her rest. Since Bobby had died she slept a lot. His father had told him that it was just because she needed sleep, that taking care of he and Bobby had exhausted her so much that she needed to catch up on sleep.
Just like any child would, he believed his father.
He felt so dirty. So used. The dream hung onto his subconscious tightly and would not let him go. He pushed and pulled and tried so hard to convince himself that it wasn't really happening. It was all a dream, none of this was real. Lena, the Carter family maid, was gone, and she would never hurt him again.
But she did hurt him everyday. And nobody had ever done a damn thing to stop it. He could feel the rage boil. This was how it always worked. He would drift into an imaginary world while the act occurred. Afterwards, the anger would be so intense he would have to punch his mattress until his fists ached. He was angry at everyone...his father...his mother...himself for letting this happen.
Carter unconsciously clutched the blankets tightly in his fists. He held them so tightly his knuckles grew pale. If he were awake he would have felt the soreness emerge in his fingers and creep up to his arms and elbows.
If he were awake, but the dream still had him tightly. He was still the little brown haired boy trying so hard to cover up the pain of abuse and the rage at his mother for sleeping so much and the guilt over all of it. He just wanted it to end...so bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Rachel, did you hear me? Please Rachel, we need you at home." Her mother was begging her. She really wanted her back.
"You mean you and Craig do or just you?"
Jen seemed to gasp in horror at the sudden aggressive comeback.
"Of course Craig does honey. He loves you."
"Does he? He's not my father. I'll never call him Dad ever!" She said in a slightly louder pitch.
"Rachel! You can't talk to me like that you're my daughter. I want you to come home this minute. I'm sure Dr. Carter has had enough of you anyway."
"Shut up mom! Dr. Carter likes having me here, unlike Craig. He hates me."
"Don't you ever talk about your dad that way Rachel."
Rachel held back tears and clenched her teeth. "He's not my dad. He'll never be my dad. My dad is dead."
"Craig can be your new dad if you just let him in Rachel..." Jen pleaded once again.
"I don't want a new dad! I want my real dad back!" This time she did nothing less them scream into the phone. It was a scream loud enough to wake the entire floor of the building. Seconds later, Carter appeared in the bedroom.
"Rachel? What's wrong? Who are you talking to?" Carter stumbled towards her, eyes red and swollen.
Rachel could do nothing but cry as she dropped the phone onto the bed. Carter picked it up and held it to his ear. All he heard was a dial tone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby unconsciously pull her robe more tightly closed as her mother burst into the apartment. The woman was in tears and completely hysterical. She wore nothing more then a small spaghetti strap pajama top and a pair of shorts that were too big for her skeletal frame.
"Abby you have to help me! Please, they're going to find me and take me away. Abby please don't let them take me back that to that terrible place! Abby help your mother!" She screamed.
Abby stood completely silent. It may have looked to the outside world that she was watching her mother, but she wasn't. Behind her dull brown eyes flashed memories of her childhood, of life with a bipolar mother and the many times she had been in this same situation. She kept the tears back and just let the old repressed anger surface.
"What are you doing here mom?" She asked calmly yet harshly. She stood completely still while her mother paced back and forth obsessively.
"Abby I need your help! Please help me oh God Abby!" The woman sobbed and covered her face with frail hands.
When Abby regained her ability to move she walked over to her couch. She sat down and faced the blank tv screen. In the background she could hear her mother, still screaming and crying. But when she focused on the blank tv screen, she could pretend it wasn't there at all. That it was all just a bad dream. Just another bad dream.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carters dream progressed to his mother, barely even looking at him as they sat down for dinner. The maid served the food, throwing uncomfortable stares at the young Carter every chance she got. He then tried talking to his mother.
"Mom, are you alright? I'm sorry I made you tired." He apologized. The woman looked up, tears in her eyes, and met his own eyes for just a moment. She then looked back down at her plate of untouched food and quietly and abruptly left the table.
Carter stared at the retreating form and hung his head low. He'd hurt her again. Maybe he deserved the pain he got. Just then, the maid leaned down and put her lips to his ear.
"See what you've done John...you're going to have to be punished later."
Carter jumped up when he heard a loud scream. It took him a moment to register that it was Rachel's voice. He untangled himself from the blankets and ran towards the bedroom.
When he got there he found the girl curled up on the bed crying. She held the phone in her hand, but it wasn't even close to her ear.
"Rachel? What's wrong? Who are you talking to?" She didn't answer him though. He gently took the phone from her limp fingers and held it to his ear. He heard nothing but the click of the hang up and the dial tone.
Looking at the mess of a girl before him, he didn't dare delve anymore into this right now. He just took her in his arms and rocked her, making soothing noises like he would to a crying baby. Once she calmed down, he would ask her what had brought this on and who the mystery person was on the other end of the phone.
TBC
Chapter 11: The Return of Mother
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the people in it.
Authors Note: Once again life got in the way of writing. =( But I think I made up for it with this chapter. I hope you all like it. I didn't know the name of Carters maid (did she even have one?). Anyway I made one up and if somebody out there knows it and can let me know I'd be much obliged. Anyway, enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cause you've got so much to give,
But you throw it all away.
And all you've got to show for
Who you are is pain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a breezy Sunday morning when the call came in. Carter was still asleep, on the pull out couch since he'd given Rachel his bed. He'd thought about finding a bigger place since he now had Rachel to take care of, but he'd found nothing acceptable to his high standards just yet. That was the problem with growing up in the lap of luxury, nothing is ever good enough.
Abby had gone home for the weekend, promising Rachel and Carter that she would return Monday after her shift was over. A girl could only go so long with the same four outfits, plus her rent was due and the neighbors were starting to get suspicious of the increasing growing pile of newspapers on her doorstep. Because of all of this she'd decided it was time to go home.
Rachel was the first to wake up to the sound of the telephone. She waited two rings, hoping Carter would pick it up. When he didn't, she went to the phone.
"Hello?" She said sleepily.
"Rachel...honey? Its me...mom."
The world spun off its axis and Rachel's stomach did a flip flop. This was the moment she'd been dreading.
"Hi mom."
"Rachel are you ok? Craig and I miss you so much." There was a short pause. When Rachel didn't respond Jen continued. "Come home honey. We need you at home."
Rachel closed her eyes and gripped the phone so tight that her knuckles turned white.
/Please wake up Carter.../
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby groaned as the sound of knocking woke her from her peaceful slumber. After sleeping on Carter's pull out for the last week, her bed was a nice change. Not that she didn't like being near Carter, although he had insisted on sleeping on the floor. She hadn't argued though. She didn't want to push him into something he didn't want or may not be ready for. Plus, his main concern at the moment was Rachel and finding a way to keep her safe. She didn't want to take his attention away from that.
Once again the loud knocking jolted her from her daydream. Somebody was banging on her door quite loudly. She felt a chill rush through her spine at the remembrance of the incident with Brian. She had to remind herself that he had moved away. That she was safe, right?
Abby pulled on her purple bathrobe and headed out into the living room. The knocking continued as she stifled a yawn and felt her way along the wall. The apartment was bright due to the sunlight peeping in through the blinds, but her eyes had yet to get used to the change. She squinted her way to the door and pulled open the numerous locks that kept the ugliness of the real world outside.
She pulled the door open and caught her breath.
"Mom?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carter tossed and turned in his sleep as the nightmare consumed him. Her could feel her hands touching him, the way she spoke so quietly yet forcefully. The way she made him feel like a disobedient child for not taking his clothes off and letting her do as she pleased.
These dreams haunted him every night. Lately, with Rachel and Abby around, they hadn't occurred as often. He figured it was because the girls distracted him from his own problems and fears. They gave him something other then himself to focus on.
"Please...no...stop..." He heard himself mutter, but she wouldn't stop. She never did. It never ended until she wanted it to end.
He curled himself into a tight ball and choked on his sobs. They weren't loud, just quick intakes of breath and sniffling. This was how he cried. This was how he always cried. If he cried loudly then he would have woken up his mother. She needed her rest. Since Bobby had died she slept a lot. His father had told him that it was just because she needed sleep, that taking care of he and Bobby had exhausted her so much that she needed to catch up on sleep.
Just like any child would, he believed his father.
He felt so dirty. So used. The dream hung onto his subconscious tightly and would not let him go. He pushed and pulled and tried so hard to convince himself that it wasn't really happening. It was all a dream, none of this was real. Lena, the Carter family maid, was gone, and she would never hurt him again.
But she did hurt him everyday. And nobody had ever done a damn thing to stop it. He could feel the rage boil. This was how it always worked. He would drift into an imaginary world while the act occurred. Afterwards, the anger would be so intense he would have to punch his mattress until his fists ached. He was angry at everyone...his father...his mother...himself for letting this happen.
Carter unconsciously clutched the blankets tightly in his fists. He held them so tightly his knuckles grew pale. If he were awake he would have felt the soreness emerge in his fingers and creep up to his arms and elbows.
If he were awake, but the dream still had him tightly. He was still the little brown haired boy trying so hard to cover up the pain of abuse and the rage at his mother for sleeping so much and the guilt over all of it. He just wanted it to end...so bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Rachel, did you hear me? Please Rachel, we need you at home." Her mother was begging her. She really wanted her back.
"You mean you and Craig do or just you?"
Jen seemed to gasp in horror at the sudden aggressive comeback.
"Of course Craig does honey. He loves you."
"Does he? He's not my father. I'll never call him Dad ever!" She said in a slightly louder pitch.
"Rachel! You can't talk to me like that you're my daughter. I want you to come home this minute. I'm sure Dr. Carter has had enough of you anyway."
"Shut up mom! Dr. Carter likes having me here, unlike Craig. He hates me."
"Don't you ever talk about your dad that way Rachel."
Rachel held back tears and clenched her teeth. "He's not my dad. He'll never be my dad. My dad is dead."
"Craig can be your new dad if you just let him in Rachel..." Jen pleaded once again.
"I don't want a new dad! I want my real dad back!" This time she did nothing less them scream into the phone. It was a scream loud enough to wake the entire floor of the building. Seconds later, Carter appeared in the bedroom.
"Rachel? What's wrong? Who are you talking to?" Carter stumbled towards her, eyes red and swollen.
Rachel could do nothing but cry as she dropped the phone onto the bed. Carter picked it up and held it to his ear. All he heard was a dial tone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby unconsciously pull her robe more tightly closed as her mother burst into the apartment. The woman was in tears and completely hysterical. She wore nothing more then a small spaghetti strap pajama top and a pair of shorts that were too big for her skeletal frame.
"Abby you have to help me! Please, they're going to find me and take me away. Abby please don't let them take me back that to that terrible place! Abby help your mother!" She screamed.
Abby stood completely silent. It may have looked to the outside world that she was watching her mother, but she wasn't. Behind her dull brown eyes flashed memories of her childhood, of life with a bipolar mother and the many times she had been in this same situation. She kept the tears back and just let the old repressed anger surface.
"What are you doing here mom?" She asked calmly yet harshly. She stood completely still while her mother paced back and forth obsessively.
"Abby I need your help! Please help me oh God Abby!" The woman sobbed and covered her face with frail hands.
When Abby regained her ability to move she walked over to her couch. She sat down and faced the blank tv screen. In the background she could hear her mother, still screaming and crying. But when she focused on the blank tv screen, she could pretend it wasn't there at all. That it was all just a bad dream. Just another bad dream.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carters dream progressed to his mother, barely even looking at him as they sat down for dinner. The maid served the food, throwing uncomfortable stares at the young Carter every chance she got. He then tried talking to his mother.
"Mom, are you alright? I'm sorry I made you tired." He apologized. The woman looked up, tears in her eyes, and met his own eyes for just a moment. She then looked back down at her plate of untouched food and quietly and abruptly left the table.
Carter stared at the retreating form and hung his head low. He'd hurt her again. Maybe he deserved the pain he got. Just then, the maid leaned down and put her lips to his ear.
"See what you've done John...you're going to have to be punished later."
Carter jumped up when he heard a loud scream. It took him a moment to register that it was Rachel's voice. He untangled himself from the blankets and ran towards the bedroom.
When he got there he found the girl curled up on the bed crying. She held the phone in her hand, but it wasn't even close to her ear.
"Rachel? What's wrong? Who are you talking to?" She didn't answer him though. He gently took the phone from her limp fingers and held it to his ear. He heard nothing but the click of the hang up and the dial tone.
Looking at the mess of a girl before him, he didn't dare delve anymore into this right now. He just took her in his arms and rocked her, making soothing noises like he would to a crying baby. Once she calmed down, he would ask her what had brought this on and who the mystery person was on the other end of the phone.
TBC