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Deathpool

(Deathstroke + Deadpool)

Name: Ade Wilson

Biography: Deathpool is the-

*BLAM!*

Enough philosophical bullshit! These people are here for one reason and one reason only! Gather round boys, gals, and non-binary pals and listen to my tale. Of how I, Deathpool, the Terminator with a Mouth, became the sexiest mercenary alive!

It all began when I was sixteen years old. Like every teenager, I lied about my age, but not so I could buy beer. I lied so I could enlist in the US Army, fighting in Korea or whatever war that gets retconned in so I don't get old.

Eventually, the CIA took a peak at my military record and asked me to join a team of folks with a very particular set of skills to get rid of a lot of people who needed some getting rid of. It was there that I met the smoking hot Vanessa Kane (Vanessa Carlysle + Adeline Kane). She was so amazed at how awesome I am, we got engaged in less than a year.

Yep, things were looking great for old Ade. But then, like in pretty much every origin story, life decided to see how hard it could kick me in the dick.

I got cancer. Like, assloads of cancer. The inoperable kind. After that, I quit my awesome job, dumped my awesome girlfriend, and laid around my crappy apartment waiting for the tumors to do their thing. They had just about taken the vision from my eye when I got a knock on the door.

It was some guy in a suit who said he was part of the Blood X program (Weapon X + Church of Blood), some sort of top secret government thing that makes superheroes. They offered to cure me and given my only other option was dying a slow, painful death, I figured it was worth a shot.

It wasn't.

Turns out, Blood X used to be a top secret government thing before their boss highjacked it and turned it into a crazy demon cult looking to create soldiers for Satan's army. They took me to a place called the Hospice, where they did the typical bad guy schtick; cutting people open, sticking needles in places a methhead would tell you not to stick needles in, that kinda stuff.

The other prisoners and I held a "deathpool" (Eh? Eh?) to see which one of us would die next. But I never had to worry about that. Why? Because the Hospice's chief asshole, Francis Snow (Ajax + Bethany Snow), pumped me full of I-have-no-idea-what-it-was-but-it-kept-me-alive. He kept insisting that we call him Ajax, but no fucking way that was happening. Wanna know how son of a bitch reacted?

He stole my heart. So I grew it back, freed all the prisoners, then killed the crap out of everyone keeping us there.

Right now you're probably wondering, "Ade! You just became immortal and escaped the clutches of a deranged cult! What are you going to do next?" Well, I'll tell you, random nerd with nothing better to do. I'm going to become the most badass mercenary to ever bad an ass, Deathpool.

From then on, I offered my services to anyone who could afford me. Over time, I went up against and even teamed up with every superhero you can think of. Iron Bat (Iron Man + Batman), the X-Patrol (X-Men + Doom Patrol), the Teen Champions (Teen Titans + Champions). I end up fighting them the most for some reason, probably because the writer knows I won't kill a bunch of kids.

Y'know, half of me wonders if I should try giving this superhero thing a shot. But the other half knows that's not who I am. I'm a killer. I've always been a killer and that's not gonna change any time soon. Besides, who needs to be a superhero when I'm already as awesome as it gets?

All the cool shit I can do: I still have no idea what Francis put in me but it is fucking awesome! First, it made me the absolute best of any not-super guy in the world. I can run, jump, punch, and dance better than any Olympian. It also gave me near-superhuman levels of stamina. Ladies?

The serum also made me, like, really smart. It made my brain 9x better than a normal brain, making me think quicker, hear better, and see faster (suck it, Wiz!).

Last but least, is my healing factor, which makes me pretty much invincible. Any damage I take, whether it's getting my head blown off or the cancer slowly making me rot from the inside, I can regenerate lickety-split.

Now let's get to my arsenal. Let's see what we have here, guns, katanas, guns, an energy lance that shoots lasers, guns, a non-weeb sword made out of promantium, and firearms. I really have no idea where I keep this stuff, I just reach behind me and what I need just sorta appears in my hand.

What? You have no idea what promantium is? Well, here you go (promethium + adamantium). For those too lazy to google those things, promantium is the strongest metal in the world, meaning I have two of the strongest swords known to man. Heh-heh...Dick joke...

My armor also has bits of promantium in it. Which not only means it can take a hit, but if it does get damaged, it regenerates with me. Don't ask what happens when I pull down the zipper to try to take a leak.

Next are my epic hand-to-hand skills. Now I suppose this is the part where I pull up a long list of whatever Fus I learned which made me such an awesome fighter, but the thing is, I don't have to. Because my #1 fighting style is being batshit crazy! No one can tell what I'm gonna do next, not even me, making normal martial arts pretty much pointless.

I'd say that's about everything if it weren't for probably my best piece of gear, my teleportation belt! Made by my good buddy/manservant Weaselgreen (Weasel +Wintergreen), this baby lets me go pretty much wherever the hell I want. I eventually stopped using it because it made fights too easy, but I always keep it on hand for emergencies.

You don't want to know: Imagine if someone threw Ryan Reynolds into a deep fryer. Then a flaming semi-truck fell on his face. That's a pretty good idea of what I got going on here.

This guy's starting to stink up the room, so I'm just going to wrap this up as quick as I can. The left side of my helmet is red with a big black spot over my eye and a tiny white spot in the middle of it for me to see through. The right side is completely navy blue and has no eyehole since I have no eye there to see through it.

As for the rest of me, type "teen titans slade" into google images, switch out the black parts for navy blue and the gray parts for red and that's it.

Well, I've got to go. There's a killer itch on my butt that needs a scratchin' and my microwaved burritos are almost done. I promise we'll fight some ninjas or some other crap later. See ya!