Disclaimer: I am only temporarily torturing the turtles. I don't own them.
Mirage does, I believe, but don't quote me on that. If you still feel the
need to sue me, go ahead. *reaches in pocket* I have a paper clip, some
lint, and 64 cents.
A/N- Wow! Thanks so much for all the great reviews!!! My sincerest apologies for taking so long. My computer wasn't cooperating with me and I had to slap it around a bit to get it to listen. BTW, the title of this chapter is not a spelling error.
Fear Factor: Chapter Three-
*We hear screaming off stage and can't tell if it's Raph or the Fangirl he's fighting. The authoress doesn't seem to notice* Welcome back to Fear Factor, the show where I torture for fun and draw the winners name out of a hat. We're currently speaking with Michelangelo, whom I have unchained just for the event. Hey there Mikey!
Mikey: *whimpering* No more Egyptians. Brain.is overheating. Carmen.gone! NO PIZZA!
It's okay Mikey, today, you get to have fun for a period of time. And at some point, I'll bring Carmen back. And you get to eat the pizza!
Mikey: I am not eating sushi pizza! I want a normal pizza, with jellybeans, and whip cream and pepperoni!
Okay.
Mikey: Really?
Hahahahaha! No. However, I will give you a choice between that pizza *points* or this box of biscuits imported from Australia.
Mikey: What's wrong with them?
Nothing. They're called SAO. And I've learned from a reliable source that they're very mouth drying and tasteless. Oh, and you can't have a drink for the rest of the show.
Mikey: You said there was nothing wrong with them.
Hmmm, I did, didn't I? Alternatively, you could have the pizza, cold, with no salt, parmesan cheese, or anything else that might make it taste reasonably digestible.
Mikey: *blinks*
Not to worry, I'll give you time to think about it. You have till the end of this story. *checks her watch*
Mikey: What?
You're wasting words! Go! Quick, think! Stop looking at me, think!
Mikey: *his brain is dysfunctional from lack of mindless cartoons and he can't decide which is worse*
Okay, let's check in on Donnie. He's needed this time to recuperate from Pauly Shore. Summon Donnatello to my Throne Room.
Donnie: *walks through the door* First off, I hate you. I can't believe you would make me watch Pauly Shore! And no computer, what's up with that? I mean, you are just cruel and further more-
I've told Donnie that this is the part of the show where I ignore-I mean listen, to his complaints and suggestions. For a genius his common sense isn't too great.
Donnie: .and last but most certainly not least, chaining us to couches and not allowing Mikey to blink is unreasonable!
Are you done?
Donnie: Yep, that's about it. Did you get all that?
Are you accusing me of interrupting you and talking to the audience while ignoring your complaints?
Donnie: No.
Then, yes Don, I got all that and will fix it. All of it!
Donnie: *Surprised* Really?
No. You know you're quite a good actor, I actually thought you believed me there for a second. *smiles evily*
Donnie: Let's go back to first of all, I hate you.
See that? You should take up a career in acting! Next! *Donnie is escorted out by two of Snow White's five dwarves. Damn producers went to Middle Order University for college and contract signing. You'd think they were doing this to me on purpose.*
Come on in Leo. Let's chat. *silence* Leo??? *picks up a ringing cell phone* Hello? *mumble grumble mumble mumble* What do you mean you can't find him?! *hangs up in a fit of fury and exits stage left*
LEONARDO! COME OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!
*silence*
*frantically pulls out Review Cards searching for a way to make him come out*
Master Splinter told you to!
*a note flies down from the ceiling* It reads: He did not! Signed, Leonardo.
You have till the count of ten to get your tail down here Leonardo!
1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10!
Master Splinter: You have disobeyed me, my son!
Leo: Master Splinter! *jumps out from hiding* I-I'm sorry! Please don't be upset!
Master Splinter: No! You have dishonored me. I am ashamed to say you are my son.
Leo: *runs up to authoress and puts his arm around her* No, no! It was just a game! Um-Hide and Seek! Yeah!
*Starts to bawl uncontrollably into Splinter's shoulder* It was not! I was so worried!
Splinter: And now you have lied to me. How dare you make this young lady upset on her own birthday!
*Blinks in confusion.*
Authoress and Leo: What?!
*Has a stage of remembrance* Oh yes, my birthday party! That would be where we are.
Master Splinter: Leonardo, it is rude to make young ladies cry. You know better.
You should be punished!
Leo: You're the one who created this! You lied! You should be punished!
*lower lip quivers* He's doing it again, Master!
Splinter: *pats her back* There, there, child. I assure he is not this way at home. And he will be punished. What do you suggest?
Leo: You're asking her?!
No practice for a week?
Splinter: That will do. *disappears*
Leo: *whimpers* I can't believe you did that! I can't practice. I'll die.
And I care. Where's my birthday present?
Leo: It isn't your birthday!!!
Oh, yeah. Shucks. So, what'd ya get me? *smiles insanely*
Leo: Nothing! I got you nothing! Because that is what you've made my life, nothing!
I've touched your life.and you've given it back to me. I could cry. But I won't. Instead I'm going to say something like, "Follow me! You're wasting precious time!"
Now follow me, Turtle-ish One, we have stuff to do. Hey, that sounded better.
Leo: I HATE YOU!
That seems to be a popular statement today. Still, I don't care. *shakes head* When will they learn?
Leo: Don! Mikey! Get out here!
You can't do that.
Leo: Sure I can.
No. I forebode you to tell people what to do in the last chapter.
Leo: But---
Don't speak, you'll die.
Leo: *scribbles on a piece of paper and holds it up, it says: You're Lying.*
Care to find out?
Leo: *Shakes his head*
That's what I like to hear, erm... not hear. Now come, we have things to do, brothers to torture---
Raph: *stomps into the middle of the room facing the authoress and wiping seat off his brow.*
I take it you won? I'm proud of you. Really, I am. Note my happy voice. Now move, you've kept me too long already.
Raph: You have no idea what I've just gone through. *glares*
*Sigh* I can tell this is going to take a while. Leo, down that hall, second door on your reft.
Raph: Reft? Not right, or left, but reft? What the heck is reft?
I'm not sure yet. Leo, go!
Raph: *watches Leo go without complaint* What did you do?
Took away his powers of control and told him if he speaks, he dies.
Raph: Will he really die?
How should I know?
Raph: Wait, you're trying to change the subject! Now let's talk about my day, shall we? *Wraps an arm around her neck tighter than she would like.*
*Slips away from what is sure to become a head lock* Okay, okay. I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't my fault. It was all that French kids fault. He kept dissing me and saying things like, "I hate you princesses, with your gallant steeds, and your Price Charming's, and. your ketchup sauce!"
Raph: That's all very entertaining, but THERE ARE NO FRENCH KIDS IN THIS STORY!
*starts crying*
Raph: Now what?!
It's my dog, Fluffy, he was run over by a truck! *Screams and then cries some more*
Raph: Oh, wow, that sucks. When'd that happen?
When I was three!
Raph: Then why are you crying now?!
*sniffs* You remind me of him.
Raph: Now that's just rude!
Hey, are those new pants?
Raph: I'm not wearing pants! Now stop getting me off track!
Stop getting me off track!
Raph: Are you mocking me?!
Are you mocking me?!
Raph: You're still mocking me!
You're still mocking me!
Raph: I am stronger than you and I will kill you if it comes to that!
Oh, really? Cool. Can we go now, I have things to do.
Raph: No we can't go now! I am very mad at you for.for.
For what?
Raph: I don't remember.
Well, you're not the brightest crayon in the box. Follow me.
*leads the very confused turtle down a hallway with doors in odd places.* Now, which one do you suppose is reft? The one in the ceiling, or the one in the floor?
Raph: Ummm.shouldn't you know that?
Probably. Now pick one!
Raph: Alright, the one in the ceiling.
Good guess. Why don't you open it?
Raph: *glares suspiciously* No. You're taller. You open it.
But you can jump higher.
Raph: *grumble* What's behind that door? *points to the door in the ceiling*
I don't know.
Raph: It's your fic!
But I haven't written that part yet.
Raph: Fine! If I open that door, promise me that nothing bad will happen!
*shakes his hand.* Alright! Nothing bad!
Raph: Promise?
Cross my heart.
Raph: *sigh* Fine! * Jumps and gets a hold of the door handle, pulling it open.*
*He looks straight up into the door and Barbie Pink paint is dumped from the World Beyond the Door.*
Raph: *sputters and spits paint out* YOU PROMISED!!!!
I had my heart crossed.*grins.*
Raph: You're dead!
AAAAAA!!!! *checks her pulse and finds it only slightly raised* Raph! You scared me! You said I was dead!
Raph: Well, yeah! But--- I mean, you.forget it! Just let me wash this stuff off!
*A note floats down from The World Beyond the Door and lands softly on Raph's pink head.*
Raph: Wonderful! A note! *picks it off his head and reads it* Courtesy of Permanent Paint Inc.
Pink's a good color on you.
Raph: Damn you!!!!
*Looks at him perplexed for a moment, and without breaking her stare picks up her cell phone and makes a call* Hello? Yes, this is Ms. White. Yeah.I was just wondering, is "damn" a cuss word?
Raph: *slaps his hand over his mouth* Shit.
How about "shit?" Is that one?
Raph: Don't do this to me! Please.
*Hangs up and just continues her perplexed stare at him* Yeah, those are both cuss words.
Fan girls: OHMYGAWD!!!!! It's HIM!!!!
Quick Raph, down there! *points to the door in the floor*
Raph: *Throws open the door and hurries down the flight of stairs. He sees what's in front of him, but can't stop in time.* SPLASH!!!!
Oh, Raph, watch that last step, it's a doozy.
Raph: *Sitting in a giant bucket of pink paint*
Oh, never mind. You found it. *steps around Raph and the door slams closed on command*
Raph: I.am going.to hurt you.
That's okay, you don't have to. Now that we're all here, shall we begin?
Raph: We? All?!
*Don and Leo are staring at Raph like he has a second head growing out of his neck. Then they burst up laughing.*
Raph: Snow White!!!!!
Yes?
Raph: Why are they here????
It's part of my plan.
Donnie: What plan?
Goggles on everyone!
*Everyone puts on lab goggles and coats. Raph's are pink, he just doesn't know it yet.*
Now, be careful when dealing with this subject. He's known for lack of brain cells and is armed with bad jokes.
*presses a button on her remote control and the small cellar they are in has the front wall raised, revealing a very white, sterilized room. There is a brand new super-computer in the dead center of the room.*
Donnie: That's a.a.
A computer.
Donnie: YES!!!! Would like me to program it for you?
No, no. That's what my test subject's for.
Donnie: Test subject?
*Gets on a walkie talkie* Send in Test Subject M, please.
Mikey: *Walks into the sterilized room* Ummm.
Donnie: NOOOOO!!!! *presses his face to the glass* Mikey, Mikey? Don't touch it!
Don, this is two sided mirror. We see him, he sees the mirror.
Donnie: You're kidding.Why would you do this?
I feel like it, okay? *Sits down and starts to file her nails while singing softly.* hello, dear brother, what have you got there?
Donnie: I saw that episode! That's the one where the genius's idiot sibling.breaks all.his inventions.MIKEY!!!! DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!!
*Picks up her walkie-talkie.* Mikey? You can't see me, but here I am. Now, just do whatever you want with the computer. I just want to see how the average person responds to it. Have fun!
Mikey: Coolness! Can do, Snow White!
Alright, now Raph, you come with me. I'll be back for you guys in a while.
*Gets up and takes off her coat and goggles. Then exits the room, Raph following, and leaves Donnie behind screaming like a five year old.*
Raph: Why would you turn me pink?
*blinks* I no longer remember. *stars singing again* Never win first place.I don't support the team.I can't direction and my socks are never clean.
Raph: Who sings that?
Well, she's my favorite singer. Her name is Pink. This way. *Turns suddenly and walks into and through a wall.*
Raph: *Puts his hand through the wall, and then takes it out. Then he steps through.* That was weird.
I've noticed things are normally like that around here. *Is sitting on the couch flipping through channels on her very special flat screen, big screen, TV. You know, the one that comes from the ceiling.*
Raph: What's on?
Veggie Tales.
Raph: *smirks* I hate those stupid videos. *sits down on the couch.*
There are nineteen of them. *Metal arm locks come into place around Raph.* And you, lucky you! You get to watch them all!
Raph: *eyes grow wide* No! I refuse! I'll get a lawyer.
Of course you will. Sssshhhhh. I love this part!!!!
*A cucumber, perhaps a pickle, with eyes and a mouth and a nose shows up on the screen with a banjo. He's singing.* We all have a baby kangaroo. Mine is pink and yours is blue!
Hahahaha! Have fun!
Raph: You can not turn me pink AND make me watch all these stupid videos.
Man, I swear you and Donnie both would make terrific actors. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tend to your brothers before one sends himself flying through a two way mirror and the other one forgets how to speak.
Raph: Yeah? Well what if I don't excuse you?
I'll probably leave anyway. But hey, let's try it and find it.
Raph: You are not excused!
Well, what do you know, I was right. What a shocker. Goodbye, my little pink friend who I chained to a couch and whose efforts spent trying to get away would result in nothing but pain! Have a lovely time! *skips merrily away to the tune of the singing cucumber/pickle, which will now be known as a cickle.*
Now, where did I leave those three? *hears a loud scream* Follow the shrill screaming voice, follow the shrill screaming voice, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the shrill screaming voice. (And for all of you out there who haven't seen Wizard of Oz yet, and are wondering why on earth I would repeat myself so many times, I just felt like it, but it won't happen again.)
(Oh good grief, you haven't seen it have you? Well, it'll come to you.)
(Come on, think my darlings!)
(Grrrrr.Follow the yellow brick road, my morons, follow the yellow brick road.)
Hello there! *enters the Reft door, and comes to find Donnie helplessly trying to break the window/mirror, and Leo sitting quietly. Mike seems to be enjoying himself greatly as he has found a copy of Diablo 2, and is busy figuring out how to install it since some ding-dong left out the directions. I wonder who?*
Okay, Leo, I here by banish your death sentence, you may speak. For the time being. Donnie, how about some chess to take your mind off things?
Donnie: No, I have to save that poor computer!
Leo: Wow.I've never even seen Mike on a computer. How's he doing?
Mikey: Snow White? I've tried everything and I still can't turn it on!
Yeah, well, you couldn't have tried everything or you would've found it. Try again. Boys, we're going to play chess. Now, I assume you're going to come with me, because I said "boys." However, if you aren't a boy, please stay here and I will make sure to refer to you as "she" and "her" for the rest of the story.
*Both boys follow. Takes out her review cards.* I know I read something about chess in here.ah, here it is. LOL!
Leo: What's so funny?
You wouldn't get it.
Leo: Sure I would.
No, I don't think so.
Leo: Yes, I would!
Fine, you have to play chess blindfolded. LOL!
Leo: That's not funny.
See? I knew you wouldn't get it. Now come here. *leads them to a chess table. Leo does not have a sense of humor and Don is still quite upset about the computer.*
Leo: Why are you doing this? *Authoress ties blindfold around his eyes.*
I told you, it's funny. Just because you don't have a sense of humor doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everyone else. *Comes behind Donnie and ties his blindfold on also.*
Donnie: We don't have to play you know, you can't make us.
Of course I can't. Now, if for some strange reason you don't play, I could, hypothetically of course, use an ultimate source of blackmail.
Leo: You have no blackmail on us.
*Is very upset he figured this out so quickly, but is not telling him he's right.* Okay, fine. Then don't play. But don't come crying to me when you're kicked out of your home and have no where to go and everyone hates you because of me. Because all I'll say is, "I told you so."
Donnie: I don't know whether or not to believe you.but I don't take chances with people like you. How hard could this be? *picks up a piece and moves it into a correct space.*
*blinks a few times, and then takes the piece, and puts it back.* Ummm.you can't do that.
Leo: *moves a piece.*
No, you can't do that.
Donnie: *moves a piece*
*Puts down a tape recorder and leaves. Every four seconds, the tape recorder says, "You can't do that."*
Leo: *Moves a piece.*
Tape Recorder: You can't do that.
*Wanders in to check on Raph* How are you doing my helpless pink friend?
Raph: I'm going to kill you!
How?
Raph: What?
How are you going to kill me? If you're going to kill me, I have a right to know how. After all, *pulls out another tape recorder* I want it on tape for the court to hear when I sue you for threatening to kill me.
Raph: *silence* Do you just carry those things around?!
Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many people want to kill me.
Raph: No, I think I do.
No you don't. I said so.
Raph: If I'm your favorite, why did you dye me pink and make me watch Veggie Tales?
What makes you so sure that you're my favorite?
Raph: Just a hunch.
You know, Pinkie, I'm not stupid. I'm still perfectly aware that the tape recorders still on. *Turns his head towards the TV and freezes it there.* But I'll leave you now so you can enjoy your other eighteen videos in peace. Bye!!!
Raph: F----, I mean.that sucks!
My, my, aren't you a quick learner? No, wait.never mind, you're not. *Goes to find Mike.*
Meanwhile.in Mike's sterilized computer room----
Mike: I don't get it! This stupid computer does not have an on button!!!!!
Yes it does.
Mike: *Turns around to face Snow White.* No it doesn't!!!
Fine, it doesn't. Have it your way. But it does.
Mike: That made no sense.
Good for you! Now, which one are you going to eat?
Mike: I was hoping you'd forgotten about that.
I didn't.
Mike: So I see.
No you don't. So you hear.you can't see me remembering.
Mike: Ummm.I guess.the pizza. At least I know what's in that.
Okay, you do that. *Hands him the pizza.*
Mike: *Attempts to take a bite and almost gags from the taste.*
Well, that's all for now. We'll just leave them in their current tortures until the next chapter! Goodbye!
*A confused member of the audience wanders on stage, following a yellow brick road.*
Hey! What are you doing?!
Confused: You said to follow the yellow brick road.
What?! When?
Right after you repeated yourself, and then you said, "Follow the yellow brick road, my morons, follow the yellow brick road." So I am!
But-I mean.you can't.*sighs and pats the confused persons head, then exits, stage right.*
Confused: *shrugs and continues to follow the yellow brick road.*
*Disclaimer 2: I don't own Pink, the Wizard of Oz, or anything else. There, does that make you happy? Stupid lawyers.Oh, BTW, some of the things in the reviews were hysterical ideas that I didn't have room to fit in and will use in the next chapter. Please keep the ideas coming!!! I love them!!!
A/N- Wow! Thanks so much for all the great reviews!!! My sincerest apologies for taking so long. My computer wasn't cooperating with me and I had to slap it around a bit to get it to listen. BTW, the title of this chapter is not a spelling error.
Fear Factor: Chapter Three-
*We hear screaming off stage and can't tell if it's Raph or the Fangirl he's fighting. The authoress doesn't seem to notice* Welcome back to Fear Factor, the show where I torture for fun and draw the winners name out of a hat. We're currently speaking with Michelangelo, whom I have unchained just for the event. Hey there Mikey!
Mikey: *whimpering* No more Egyptians. Brain.is overheating. Carmen.gone! NO PIZZA!
It's okay Mikey, today, you get to have fun for a period of time. And at some point, I'll bring Carmen back. And you get to eat the pizza!
Mikey: I am not eating sushi pizza! I want a normal pizza, with jellybeans, and whip cream and pepperoni!
Okay.
Mikey: Really?
Hahahahaha! No. However, I will give you a choice between that pizza *points* or this box of biscuits imported from Australia.
Mikey: What's wrong with them?
Nothing. They're called SAO. And I've learned from a reliable source that they're very mouth drying and tasteless. Oh, and you can't have a drink for the rest of the show.
Mikey: You said there was nothing wrong with them.
Hmmm, I did, didn't I? Alternatively, you could have the pizza, cold, with no salt, parmesan cheese, or anything else that might make it taste reasonably digestible.
Mikey: *blinks*
Not to worry, I'll give you time to think about it. You have till the end of this story. *checks her watch*
Mikey: What?
You're wasting words! Go! Quick, think! Stop looking at me, think!
Mikey: *his brain is dysfunctional from lack of mindless cartoons and he can't decide which is worse*
Okay, let's check in on Donnie. He's needed this time to recuperate from Pauly Shore. Summon Donnatello to my Throne Room.
Donnie: *walks through the door* First off, I hate you. I can't believe you would make me watch Pauly Shore! And no computer, what's up with that? I mean, you are just cruel and further more-
I've told Donnie that this is the part of the show where I ignore-I mean listen, to his complaints and suggestions. For a genius his common sense isn't too great.
Donnie: .and last but most certainly not least, chaining us to couches and not allowing Mikey to blink is unreasonable!
Are you done?
Donnie: Yep, that's about it. Did you get all that?
Are you accusing me of interrupting you and talking to the audience while ignoring your complaints?
Donnie: No.
Then, yes Don, I got all that and will fix it. All of it!
Donnie: *Surprised* Really?
No. You know you're quite a good actor, I actually thought you believed me there for a second. *smiles evily*
Donnie: Let's go back to first of all, I hate you.
See that? You should take up a career in acting! Next! *Donnie is escorted out by two of Snow White's five dwarves. Damn producers went to Middle Order University for college and contract signing. You'd think they were doing this to me on purpose.*
Come on in Leo. Let's chat. *silence* Leo??? *picks up a ringing cell phone* Hello? *mumble grumble mumble mumble* What do you mean you can't find him?! *hangs up in a fit of fury and exits stage left*
LEONARDO! COME OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!
*silence*
*frantically pulls out Review Cards searching for a way to make him come out*
Master Splinter told you to!
*a note flies down from the ceiling* It reads: He did not! Signed, Leonardo.
You have till the count of ten to get your tail down here Leonardo!
1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10!
Master Splinter: You have disobeyed me, my son!
Leo: Master Splinter! *jumps out from hiding* I-I'm sorry! Please don't be upset!
Master Splinter: No! You have dishonored me. I am ashamed to say you are my son.
Leo: *runs up to authoress and puts his arm around her* No, no! It was just a game! Um-Hide and Seek! Yeah!
*Starts to bawl uncontrollably into Splinter's shoulder* It was not! I was so worried!
Splinter: And now you have lied to me. How dare you make this young lady upset on her own birthday!
*Blinks in confusion.*
Authoress and Leo: What?!
*Has a stage of remembrance* Oh yes, my birthday party! That would be where we are.
Master Splinter: Leonardo, it is rude to make young ladies cry. You know better.
You should be punished!
Leo: You're the one who created this! You lied! You should be punished!
*lower lip quivers* He's doing it again, Master!
Splinter: *pats her back* There, there, child. I assure he is not this way at home. And he will be punished. What do you suggest?
Leo: You're asking her?!
No practice for a week?
Splinter: That will do. *disappears*
Leo: *whimpers* I can't believe you did that! I can't practice. I'll die.
And I care. Where's my birthday present?
Leo: It isn't your birthday!!!
Oh, yeah. Shucks. So, what'd ya get me? *smiles insanely*
Leo: Nothing! I got you nothing! Because that is what you've made my life, nothing!
I've touched your life.and you've given it back to me. I could cry. But I won't. Instead I'm going to say something like, "Follow me! You're wasting precious time!"
Now follow me, Turtle-ish One, we have stuff to do. Hey, that sounded better.
Leo: I HATE YOU!
That seems to be a popular statement today. Still, I don't care. *shakes head* When will they learn?
Leo: Don! Mikey! Get out here!
You can't do that.
Leo: Sure I can.
No. I forebode you to tell people what to do in the last chapter.
Leo: But---
Don't speak, you'll die.
Leo: *scribbles on a piece of paper and holds it up, it says: You're Lying.*
Care to find out?
Leo: *Shakes his head*
That's what I like to hear, erm... not hear. Now come, we have things to do, brothers to torture---
Raph: *stomps into the middle of the room facing the authoress and wiping seat off his brow.*
I take it you won? I'm proud of you. Really, I am. Note my happy voice. Now move, you've kept me too long already.
Raph: You have no idea what I've just gone through. *glares*
*Sigh* I can tell this is going to take a while. Leo, down that hall, second door on your reft.
Raph: Reft? Not right, or left, but reft? What the heck is reft?
I'm not sure yet. Leo, go!
Raph: *watches Leo go without complaint* What did you do?
Took away his powers of control and told him if he speaks, he dies.
Raph: Will he really die?
How should I know?
Raph: Wait, you're trying to change the subject! Now let's talk about my day, shall we? *Wraps an arm around her neck tighter than she would like.*
*Slips away from what is sure to become a head lock* Okay, okay. I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't my fault. It was all that French kids fault. He kept dissing me and saying things like, "I hate you princesses, with your gallant steeds, and your Price Charming's, and. your ketchup sauce!"
Raph: That's all very entertaining, but THERE ARE NO FRENCH KIDS IN THIS STORY!
*starts crying*
Raph: Now what?!
It's my dog, Fluffy, he was run over by a truck! *Screams and then cries some more*
Raph: Oh, wow, that sucks. When'd that happen?
When I was three!
Raph: Then why are you crying now?!
*sniffs* You remind me of him.
Raph: Now that's just rude!
Hey, are those new pants?
Raph: I'm not wearing pants! Now stop getting me off track!
Stop getting me off track!
Raph: Are you mocking me?!
Are you mocking me?!
Raph: You're still mocking me!
You're still mocking me!
Raph: I am stronger than you and I will kill you if it comes to that!
Oh, really? Cool. Can we go now, I have things to do.
Raph: No we can't go now! I am very mad at you for.for.
For what?
Raph: I don't remember.
Well, you're not the brightest crayon in the box. Follow me.
*leads the very confused turtle down a hallway with doors in odd places.* Now, which one do you suppose is reft? The one in the ceiling, or the one in the floor?
Raph: Ummm.shouldn't you know that?
Probably. Now pick one!
Raph: Alright, the one in the ceiling.
Good guess. Why don't you open it?
Raph: *glares suspiciously* No. You're taller. You open it.
But you can jump higher.
Raph: *grumble* What's behind that door? *points to the door in the ceiling*
I don't know.
Raph: It's your fic!
But I haven't written that part yet.
Raph: Fine! If I open that door, promise me that nothing bad will happen!
*shakes his hand.* Alright! Nothing bad!
Raph: Promise?
Cross my heart.
Raph: *sigh* Fine! * Jumps and gets a hold of the door handle, pulling it open.*
*He looks straight up into the door and Barbie Pink paint is dumped from the World Beyond the Door.*
Raph: *sputters and spits paint out* YOU PROMISED!!!!
I had my heart crossed.*grins.*
Raph: You're dead!
AAAAAA!!!! *checks her pulse and finds it only slightly raised* Raph! You scared me! You said I was dead!
Raph: Well, yeah! But--- I mean, you.forget it! Just let me wash this stuff off!
*A note floats down from The World Beyond the Door and lands softly on Raph's pink head.*
Raph: Wonderful! A note! *picks it off his head and reads it* Courtesy of Permanent Paint Inc.
Pink's a good color on you.
Raph: Damn you!!!!
*Looks at him perplexed for a moment, and without breaking her stare picks up her cell phone and makes a call* Hello? Yes, this is Ms. White. Yeah.I was just wondering, is "damn" a cuss word?
Raph: *slaps his hand over his mouth* Shit.
How about "shit?" Is that one?
Raph: Don't do this to me! Please.
*Hangs up and just continues her perplexed stare at him* Yeah, those are both cuss words.
Fan girls: OHMYGAWD!!!!! It's HIM!!!!
Quick Raph, down there! *points to the door in the floor*
Raph: *Throws open the door and hurries down the flight of stairs. He sees what's in front of him, but can't stop in time.* SPLASH!!!!
Oh, Raph, watch that last step, it's a doozy.
Raph: *Sitting in a giant bucket of pink paint*
Oh, never mind. You found it. *steps around Raph and the door slams closed on command*
Raph: I.am going.to hurt you.
That's okay, you don't have to. Now that we're all here, shall we begin?
Raph: We? All?!
*Don and Leo are staring at Raph like he has a second head growing out of his neck. Then they burst up laughing.*
Raph: Snow White!!!!!
Yes?
Raph: Why are they here????
It's part of my plan.
Donnie: What plan?
Goggles on everyone!
*Everyone puts on lab goggles and coats. Raph's are pink, he just doesn't know it yet.*
Now, be careful when dealing with this subject. He's known for lack of brain cells and is armed with bad jokes.
*presses a button on her remote control and the small cellar they are in has the front wall raised, revealing a very white, sterilized room. There is a brand new super-computer in the dead center of the room.*
Donnie: That's a.a.
A computer.
Donnie: YES!!!! Would like me to program it for you?
No, no. That's what my test subject's for.
Donnie: Test subject?
*Gets on a walkie talkie* Send in Test Subject M, please.
Mikey: *Walks into the sterilized room* Ummm.
Donnie: NOOOOO!!!! *presses his face to the glass* Mikey, Mikey? Don't touch it!
Don, this is two sided mirror. We see him, he sees the mirror.
Donnie: You're kidding.Why would you do this?
I feel like it, okay? *Sits down and starts to file her nails while singing softly.* hello, dear brother, what have you got there?
Donnie: I saw that episode! That's the one where the genius's idiot sibling.breaks all.his inventions.MIKEY!!!! DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!!
*Picks up her walkie-talkie.* Mikey? You can't see me, but here I am. Now, just do whatever you want with the computer. I just want to see how the average person responds to it. Have fun!
Mikey: Coolness! Can do, Snow White!
Alright, now Raph, you come with me. I'll be back for you guys in a while.
*Gets up and takes off her coat and goggles. Then exits the room, Raph following, and leaves Donnie behind screaming like a five year old.*
Raph: Why would you turn me pink?
*blinks* I no longer remember. *stars singing again* Never win first place.I don't support the team.I can't direction and my socks are never clean.
Raph: Who sings that?
Well, she's my favorite singer. Her name is Pink. This way. *Turns suddenly and walks into and through a wall.*
Raph: *Puts his hand through the wall, and then takes it out. Then he steps through.* That was weird.
I've noticed things are normally like that around here. *Is sitting on the couch flipping through channels on her very special flat screen, big screen, TV. You know, the one that comes from the ceiling.*
Raph: What's on?
Veggie Tales.
Raph: *smirks* I hate those stupid videos. *sits down on the couch.*
There are nineteen of them. *Metal arm locks come into place around Raph.* And you, lucky you! You get to watch them all!
Raph: *eyes grow wide* No! I refuse! I'll get a lawyer.
Of course you will. Sssshhhhh. I love this part!!!!
*A cucumber, perhaps a pickle, with eyes and a mouth and a nose shows up on the screen with a banjo. He's singing.* We all have a baby kangaroo. Mine is pink and yours is blue!
Hahahaha! Have fun!
Raph: You can not turn me pink AND make me watch all these stupid videos.
Man, I swear you and Donnie both would make terrific actors. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tend to your brothers before one sends himself flying through a two way mirror and the other one forgets how to speak.
Raph: Yeah? Well what if I don't excuse you?
I'll probably leave anyway. But hey, let's try it and find it.
Raph: You are not excused!
Well, what do you know, I was right. What a shocker. Goodbye, my little pink friend who I chained to a couch and whose efforts spent trying to get away would result in nothing but pain! Have a lovely time! *skips merrily away to the tune of the singing cucumber/pickle, which will now be known as a cickle.*
Now, where did I leave those three? *hears a loud scream* Follow the shrill screaming voice, follow the shrill screaming voice, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the shrill screaming voice. (And for all of you out there who haven't seen Wizard of Oz yet, and are wondering why on earth I would repeat myself so many times, I just felt like it, but it won't happen again.)
(Oh good grief, you haven't seen it have you? Well, it'll come to you.)
(Come on, think my darlings!)
(Grrrrr.Follow the yellow brick road, my morons, follow the yellow brick road.)
Hello there! *enters the Reft door, and comes to find Donnie helplessly trying to break the window/mirror, and Leo sitting quietly. Mike seems to be enjoying himself greatly as he has found a copy of Diablo 2, and is busy figuring out how to install it since some ding-dong left out the directions. I wonder who?*
Okay, Leo, I here by banish your death sentence, you may speak. For the time being. Donnie, how about some chess to take your mind off things?
Donnie: No, I have to save that poor computer!
Leo: Wow.I've never even seen Mike on a computer. How's he doing?
Mikey: Snow White? I've tried everything and I still can't turn it on!
Yeah, well, you couldn't have tried everything or you would've found it. Try again. Boys, we're going to play chess. Now, I assume you're going to come with me, because I said "boys." However, if you aren't a boy, please stay here and I will make sure to refer to you as "she" and "her" for the rest of the story.
*Both boys follow. Takes out her review cards.* I know I read something about chess in here.ah, here it is. LOL!
Leo: What's so funny?
You wouldn't get it.
Leo: Sure I would.
No, I don't think so.
Leo: Yes, I would!
Fine, you have to play chess blindfolded. LOL!
Leo: That's not funny.
See? I knew you wouldn't get it. Now come here. *leads them to a chess table. Leo does not have a sense of humor and Don is still quite upset about the computer.*
Leo: Why are you doing this? *Authoress ties blindfold around his eyes.*
I told you, it's funny. Just because you don't have a sense of humor doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everyone else. *Comes behind Donnie and ties his blindfold on also.*
Donnie: We don't have to play you know, you can't make us.
Of course I can't. Now, if for some strange reason you don't play, I could, hypothetically of course, use an ultimate source of blackmail.
Leo: You have no blackmail on us.
*Is very upset he figured this out so quickly, but is not telling him he's right.* Okay, fine. Then don't play. But don't come crying to me when you're kicked out of your home and have no where to go and everyone hates you because of me. Because all I'll say is, "I told you so."
Donnie: I don't know whether or not to believe you.but I don't take chances with people like you. How hard could this be? *picks up a piece and moves it into a correct space.*
*blinks a few times, and then takes the piece, and puts it back.* Ummm.you can't do that.
Leo: *moves a piece.*
No, you can't do that.
Donnie: *moves a piece*
*Puts down a tape recorder and leaves. Every four seconds, the tape recorder says, "You can't do that."*
Leo: *Moves a piece.*
Tape Recorder: You can't do that.
*Wanders in to check on Raph* How are you doing my helpless pink friend?
Raph: I'm going to kill you!
How?
Raph: What?
How are you going to kill me? If you're going to kill me, I have a right to know how. After all, *pulls out another tape recorder* I want it on tape for the court to hear when I sue you for threatening to kill me.
Raph: *silence* Do you just carry those things around?!
Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many people want to kill me.
Raph: No, I think I do.
No you don't. I said so.
Raph: If I'm your favorite, why did you dye me pink and make me watch Veggie Tales?
What makes you so sure that you're my favorite?
Raph: Just a hunch.
You know, Pinkie, I'm not stupid. I'm still perfectly aware that the tape recorders still on. *Turns his head towards the TV and freezes it there.* But I'll leave you now so you can enjoy your other eighteen videos in peace. Bye!!!
Raph: F----, I mean.that sucks!
My, my, aren't you a quick learner? No, wait.never mind, you're not. *Goes to find Mike.*
Meanwhile.in Mike's sterilized computer room----
Mike: I don't get it! This stupid computer does not have an on button!!!!!
Yes it does.
Mike: *Turns around to face Snow White.* No it doesn't!!!
Fine, it doesn't. Have it your way. But it does.
Mike: That made no sense.
Good for you! Now, which one are you going to eat?
Mike: I was hoping you'd forgotten about that.
I didn't.
Mike: So I see.
No you don't. So you hear.you can't see me remembering.
Mike: Ummm.I guess.the pizza. At least I know what's in that.
Okay, you do that. *Hands him the pizza.*
Mike: *Attempts to take a bite and almost gags from the taste.*
Well, that's all for now. We'll just leave them in their current tortures until the next chapter! Goodbye!
*A confused member of the audience wanders on stage, following a yellow brick road.*
Hey! What are you doing?!
Confused: You said to follow the yellow brick road.
What?! When?
Right after you repeated yourself, and then you said, "Follow the yellow brick road, my morons, follow the yellow brick road." So I am!
But-I mean.you can't.*sighs and pats the confused persons head, then exits, stage right.*
Confused: *shrugs and continues to follow the yellow brick road.*
*Disclaimer 2: I don't own Pink, the Wizard of Oz, or anything else. There, does that make you happy? Stupid lawyers.Oh, BTW, some of the things in the reviews were hysterical ideas that I didn't have room to fit in and will use in the next chapter. Please keep the ideas coming!!! I love them!!!