THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR QUIRRELL
Day 1
Feeling bad about ex-boyfriend dumping me. Have gone to a foreign climate to try and forget it.
Day 2
Met a very nice man named Voldemort. Seems to respect me for who I am. Am very happy and hope to continue this relationship.
Day 602
Still serving dratted Lord and Master. Really hate being relegated to the "slave" role in EVERY relationship. Have resolved to assert myself and have bought a few books on tape about self-esteem.
Day 603
Through a few well-positioned mirrors, confronted Voldemort face-to-face about our situation and told him I was not going to be pushed around anymore, and in short tried to evict him from the back of my head. He kept biting my fingers when I tried to poke him in the eye. Suddenly looked down in one of the mirrors to see that MY BUTT IS HUGE!! When did I gain all this weight??? VM made a mean joke about my "eating for two now"...had a good cry in the bathroom after I wrapped my head firmly in towels. Doesn't he see that I'm doing this FOR HIM?
Day 604
Returned to school for start of term. Still not speaking to VM. Deliberately slept on my back to bother him.
Day 605
Found one of the letters VM wrote to me back when we were first dating. Felt so miserable that I apologised immediately. VM promised not to be mean anymore and said he'd learned his lesson this time. Thank goodness!
Day 606
VM made me slam my hands in the door over and over, as punishment for being insubordinate.
Day 612
Met up with Snape again after a few days at school. He's looking much better than he did last year, before he got his hair layered. Tried to invite him out for dinner but VM reached around and bit my ear to stop me. Will tie hat tighter next time.
Day 616
Still in relationship with VM and feeling very miserable. Want to end the bloody thing and look for some new options out there (particularly in the Potions department), but VM is so manipulative! Plus he promised me a new car if I helped him get the Stone. Will think about it.
Caught MacGonagall doing something strange with a badger in her classroom. She said it was for Transfiguration class. Noticed a bottle of chocolate syrup on her desk, oddly enough.
Day 639
Got caught by Snape trying to get the Stone. Tried to laugh it off and invite him back to my quarters but he would have none of it. It's just as well...shagging with your hat on is no fun and I'm NOT letting VM in on the action.
Day 641
Quidditch match today...am so frustrated that I put a De-Trousering Curse on the cute Gryffindor Seeker. Snape countered the curse...why can't he just let a person have some fun once in a while? VM yelled at me about the curse, says I'm being unfaithful. But I noticed that HE also seems to be smelling of OTHER people's hats lately!
Day 656
Got caught by Snape while being yelled at again by VM. Almost hoped Snape would break it up, or that they'd get into a fight over me! But he just looked at me strangely and walked away. *sigh*
Day 665
Was caught by yummy little Seeker kid Potter and am now dead. Have the satisfaction of knowing that VM suffered just as much. HA!
Day 1
Feeling bad about ex-boyfriend dumping me. Have gone to a foreign climate to try and forget it.
Day 2
Met a very nice man named Voldemort. Seems to respect me for who I am. Am very happy and hope to continue this relationship.
Day 602
Still serving dratted Lord and Master. Really hate being relegated to the "slave" role in EVERY relationship. Have resolved to assert myself and have bought a few books on tape about self-esteem.
Day 603
Through a few well-positioned mirrors, confronted Voldemort face-to-face about our situation and told him I was not going to be pushed around anymore, and in short tried to evict him from the back of my head. He kept biting my fingers when I tried to poke him in the eye. Suddenly looked down in one of the mirrors to see that MY BUTT IS HUGE!! When did I gain all this weight??? VM made a mean joke about my "eating for two now"...had a good cry in the bathroom after I wrapped my head firmly in towels. Doesn't he see that I'm doing this FOR HIM?
Day 604
Returned to school for start of term. Still not speaking to VM. Deliberately slept on my back to bother him.
Day 605
Found one of the letters VM wrote to me back when we were first dating. Felt so miserable that I apologised immediately. VM promised not to be mean anymore and said he'd learned his lesson this time. Thank goodness!
Day 606
VM made me slam my hands in the door over and over, as punishment for being insubordinate.
Day 612
Met up with Snape again after a few days at school. He's looking much better than he did last year, before he got his hair layered. Tried to invite him out for dinner but VM reached around and bit my ear to stop me. Will tie hat tighter next time.
Day 616
Still in relationship with VM and feeling very miserable. Want to end the bloody thing and look for some new options out there (particularly in the Potions department), but VM is so manipulative! Plus he promised me a new car if I helped him get the Stone. Will think about it.
Caught MacGonagall doing something strange with a badger in her classroom. She said it was for Transfiguration class. Noticed a bottle of chocolate syrup on her desk, oddly enough.
Day 639
Got caught by Snape trying to get the Stone. Tried to laugh it off and invite him back to my quarters but he would have none of it. It's just as well...shagging with your hat on is no fun and I'm NOT letting VM in on the action.
Day 641
Quidditch match today...am so frustrated that I put a De-Trousering Curse on the cute Gryffindor Seeker. Snape countered the curse...why can't he just let a person have some fun once in a while? VM yelled at me about the curse, says I'm being unfaithful. But I noticed that HE also seems to be smelling of OTHER people's hats lately!
Day 656
Got caught by Snape while being yelled at again by VM. Almost hoped Snape would break it up, or that they'd get into a fight over me! But he just looked at me strangely and walked away. *sigh*
Day 665
Was caught by yummy little Seeker kid Potter and am now dead. Have the satisfaction of knowing that VM suffered just as much. HA!