It All Fell Apart

Chapter 1/?

Holding on to Illusion

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- I refuse to announce what couplings are going to be in a fic beforehand. Or IF there will be any at all. Ruins the quality of the fic if you are expecting it. This fic-verse is actually semi canon, taking place sometime after the so-called epilogue. In fact, there's not much of a fic. It wasn't planned at all. It's just something I started writing around 11 PM and actually intended to finish in the same night. …oh I just hate author's notes…

- Note my incompetence when it comes to picking titles.

- I don't own Digimon. If I did, my fic-verses would be real, the epilogue would never have happened, half-breed digi-destined would exist, Archnemon would be alive and Ken's mother, and Mimato and Kenkeru would be canon and have more proof than just being fan favorites ^.^ But, that's only IF I owned digimon. So, consider yourselves lucky.

Edited a bit: Oh, and the song is Crazy Cold by Red West. Props to karei.

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My head's confusion

Is infused by the love you give

Holding on to illusion

Simple love that tries to mend

Ichijouji Ken sat outside on the steps to his apartment, his clear amethyst eyes reflecting the sky and the occasional clouds that moved by lost in the chorus of his mind. His indigo hair settled around his head, a dark cloud of despair. For the first time after being married to Miyako, he was feeling incompleteness inside of him. It was slightly chilly outside, even for summer, so he stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

There was something missing…something that he had overlooked. Twenty-five years ago, he would have said this was his dream coming true. But what dream was this? It didn't seem realistic anymore.

"Ken?" He heard his wife's voice behind him, and suddenly the lavender-haired vision was standing next to him, looking down. "Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"No." The indigo-haired man replied after a moment.

"Oh." Miyako turned and went back inside.

Ken sighed. This was what his life amounted to lately. Answering to his wife. How could she possibly be happy with the situation? She said she loved him, and that was perfectly all right, but something was missing. It couldn't be love, not from his part. Maybe he did take her into his bed but it was she who pushed for everything.

It was Miyako's dream.

Miyako's life.

Maybe he had felt that in order to make himself feel happy, he would have to submit to her. Do what she wanted. Let her live her life. But even watching his children play happily, it felt wrong.

And it was only his younger children who seemed happy with the situation. His oldest daughter would often go on long walks by herself and slip in afterwards. Something he never thought to question.

"Ken," She said, smiling, whispering into his ears seductively. He had finally decided to take her out to dinner as every person had just pointed out to him her obvious crush. "Ken, I'm so happy we're here."

He could only smile and nod, not knowing what to say.

"What do you think this is, Ken? Destiny?"

And again he could only nod. What was destiny? Maybe if he made Miyako happy, he could figure it out for himself. They had destiny once. They were the chosen children, once. But what happened then couldn't control the rest of their lives.

And suddenly his thoughts traveled to his wedding day. Out of all the former digi-destined, he and Miyako had been the first. That was when everyone else was still sorting out his or her problems. He remembered, after watching Miyako and her family, how he wished his family were more like that, instead of obsessing over whichever child showed the most talent. And he realized he didn't love his parents at all.

His father had had a heart attack and suddenly the vivid memory of what had happened came back to him, the words echoing in his ears, his heart racing, remembering, as he was getting ready to walk out of the room. He had been in his mid twenties at the time, old enough to accept, nearly a college graduate. And of course, Miyako. There wasn't a day when Miyako didn't call him or email him and let him know that she existed. Her concern boggled Ken. Even at his utmost low moment he couldn't turn to her, knowing exactly how she would react.

"Ken…wait." His father spoke, his voice not the way it used to be, scratchy, and hollow so that it pained Ken to hear him speak and he turned around.

"Son…we're not your parents."

Ken blinked. It took his a full two minutes to understand the comment. "What do you mean, 'you're not my parents'?" He

rasped, shocked by his own voice, the venom etched there.

"We're not your parents." Mr. Ichijouji was lying on the bed, his body still, the only other sounds being his breathing and the steady beeping of the heart monitor. Ken turned around to face his mother, who was as pale as the bed sheets on his father's hospital bed.

"Tell me that he is delusional, mother."

Mrs. Ichijouji was in next to no state of answering him, stepping back out of surprise as soon as her husband had uttered the words, putting her hands to her face and hiding her eyes from him. "You're my little boy…"

He looked back at his father. "Dad…?"

"I don't want to die without you knowing the truth. I love you and knowing that you are to be married soon – I don't want you to live a lie." He stopped speaking a moment, taking a breath to help him along. "We are not your parents."

"No!" Mrs. Ichijouji shrieked, but Ken ignored her, moving closer to his father's bed

Ken stared at him, disgust twisting his features. 'I should have known.'

"Was Sam?"

"Your mother wasn't capable of having children. Sam was our nephew. We adopted him from since before his birth. We loved him."

"More than you loved me…" His words trailed off. "How did I become your son?"

His mother cried harder, sinking to the floor. "You were always my little boy…"

"Tell me," He said, his words harsher, moving closer to the bed, a few feet away from his father's face. "How did I become your son? Whose child am I?"

"You're our child…"

Suddenly a doctor burst through the doors, glaring at them furiously. "This man has just had a heart attack. May I advise the two of you to leave?"

"No." Ken said, his breathing fast. "Not until I get the truth."

"Then I'll get security to escort you out." The doctor said angrily, staring at him. Ken's eyes never left the man he called 'father', stepping closer.

"Why now? Why are you telling me now? Are you afraid that you'll die and you want your soul to be freed? Why couldn't you tell me before? Afraid I wouldn't love you?"

"Ken!" His mother squeaked. "It wasn't like that!"

He turned around, cold fury kindling in his amethyst eyes. "So it's true."

"Yes…It's…it's true, Ken." Wailing, his mother fled the room.

"Sir. I must advise you to leave." The Doctor said again.

Ken cast one look back at his father, but, finding himself unable, fled the room himself before the pale man could see his tears, ignoring his terrified cry, "Ken!" before the beeping became distorted and all that Ken could hear in his ears was that last wailing as he sped down the corridor, wanting to get away.

To get away…

After his father died, he went directly to Miyako, who swore she'd never let anything like that happen to him again.

Now as he watched her be a loving mother he also saw her faults. She was short tempered with some of them. In trying to make herself perfect, she had ultimately corrupted her own dream. Miyako Inoue was a working girl. Miyako Ichijouji was no mother. In fact, when he had told her that she should get a job, she positively baulked at the idea. "I can handle this just fine!" She snapped, and that had been the end of it.

Ken watched his children play, their happy laughter making his feel even more incomplete. 'This isn't real, anymore. I can't do this…' He touched a hand to his face and found that tears had been slipping down again. He didn't love Miyako. He didn't love his children, and quite frankly at the moment he didn't love himself.

He stood up.

"Where are you going?" Miyako demanded, hands on her hips, rushing back outside.

"Just to take a walk, Miya." He replied. It felt so strange…

His parents tried so hard, and he tried so hard to love them back, but he just couldn't. He had found himself often wondering how he could even be created from them, but knowing that he was, accepted it lightly. He didn't know why the truth had affected him this much. Why it made him run away just as his father took his last breath. Maybe he was better off not knowing. Not that his mother would tell him anyway.

The day slipped away into the bowels of the evening. What had once been a clear day was now an incredibly misty night. He wondered if the children were still outside playing. "What can Miyako be thinking about?" he allowed himself to speak. The streets were empty. The night's chill intermingled with summer's dampness as he walked. Shadows danced on the streets with the lights, on silent streets darkness prevailed. His hands once again sought his pockets. 'No one would be out this late, anyway,' he thought, looking at the vast number of apartment buildings that surrounded the area. 'No one would be here, anyway.'

He stumbled into the park, where there was nothing but the swings moving on their own. Feeling a chill in the air he left, feeling as if he had stumbled upon a spot where ghosts of the past once rested. For a moment he felt compelled to stay, closing his eyes, trying to figure out if there was some memory hidden there that he needed to rehash. Hesitant, he kept walking on, past the swings, past the park, away from the greenery and the memories.

"For the last time mother, please, tell me!" His words were cold. "I wouldn't care this much if you had just been upfront with me to begin with."

Mrs. Ichijouji couldn't even look at him. "My husband's gone. I've lost him and my baby Sam…I've lost them all."

"Young man, she is in no state to answer your questions."

"I have to know!"

"Sir, if you cannot contain yourself we will be forced to throw you out."

He pulled himself free of the doctor's grip. "Let go of me. Give me one more try."

"Mrs. Ichijouji has been under an amount of stress lately. It was you who insisted we take her."

"I just want the truth, and then you can keep her." Ken snapped.

"Mr. Ichijouji-"

"That is not my name!" Ken snapped. "You ask her that! Ask her who my father is!"

"Ken?" Her voice wavered. "I'll tell you."

"What am I going to do?" He thought aloud. The answer was obvious. Leave Miyako, and his perfect life and family, but why would he do it? He didn't have parents. He didn't have a life, and hell, he didn't even remember what his lifelong dream was, so what was the point?

But if he didn't act now, he would be trapped in a dream that had turned to a nightmare. For good. Eternity with Miyako seemed less pleasing the more he thought about it.

"Am I yours, Ken?"

"No. I'm yours."

"Heart and mind?"

"Body and soul." And they kissed. Miyako must have felt so warm, so safe, but he felt so lost, even more estranged than he had ever had been. And on that same night, Ayame was conceived.

What would Osamu have done with his life had he lived that day? For that matter, what were the dreams of those whose lives were taken from them abruptly? These thoughts infuriated Ken. 'Living someone else's dream, and yet never knowing what I wanted in the first place.' He kept walking, furious with himself. What was it that had woken him up during these twenty-five years of silent suffering? He felt strangely vulnerable, to the world and everything in it. 'Damn you…'

He was damning himself, and he didn't know why…what he really wanted to do was go to his old place of salvation. But how would he get there? Then he remembered. The old way: the digital gate. There were lots of them now, thanks to Hikari and her 'everything must live in harmony' campaigns. He actually found it all rather dumb…this peace, it wouldn't last, no matter how much Taichi tried. There's no way you could wipe away that darkness forever.

Especially if it was inside of you.

He removed his old digivice from his pocket and wondered why he even had it with him. Examining it, he held it out in

front of him. "Digital Gate, open!"

That was easy enough. The familiar rip appeared, allowing him to slip through, and then closed behind him. He felt instantly freer, but given all the harmony between the two worlds it was hard to find salvation anywhere.

He heard an unfamiliar sound – a voice, or so it seemed, talking aloud.

"Father, what am I going to do now? He's going to leave me alone. Like you did. I don't want to be alone…sure I'll have mother and Rei-chan, but that isn't enough and you know it…father…"

It was so faint that he doubted that he heard anything at all. It was probably his mind playing tricks on him, he reasoned. Of course it would be that way. He was just too consumed by is own thoughts and not paying attention to the time that his mind was just going off. High above the sky a trail of butterflies flew, giving Ken an uncomfortable chill.

He took to walking under the eaves of the forest. It was mostly quiet, given everyone was asleep at this time. He told Miyako that he had gone to take a walk. He hadn't told her where he was going or how long he would be gone, and at this point, he didn't even care.

He heard a distinct rustling behind him, followed by footsteps that were human sounding. Annoyed by the possibility that it could just be more of Tai and Kari's people, he realized that he rather face whomever it was now than later, though he would prefer to later, he whirled around.

"Who is it?" His voice echoed in the surrounding darkness.

Nothing answered him at first. He turned back around, ready to continue walking.

"Wait." A voice replied, and recognizing the voice this time, Ken turned around with surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

The man shrugged. "I should ask you the same question."

"Late night walking?"

"Introspective thinking."

Ken nodded. "And this seemed the perfect place, but you weren't sure."

"Right," The man looked down. "I feel like I'm where I should be in my life, but something is missing. And I'm not talking about my dead wife."

"You're not married to Miyako." Ken laughed harshly.

"I thought that you two were enjoying each other?" The man said, surprised. The two of them had begun walking in the darkness. Ken shrugged.

"She's enjoying me, maybe. I haven't been enjoying myself."

"It probably hasn't been easy for you, no matter how easy it looked." The man sighed. "I would say; you should feel happy that you have a wife and many children. Try raising a child on your own, and yet you feel empty. That and my grandfather is ill."

"I had no idea."

"He's okay with it. Heck, at his age, I'm lucky he's still alive. But it just has me thinking about my father."

Ken laughed harshly again. "At least you knew who your father was."

The man stopped, suddenly understanding. "You mentioned something once, about not really knowing him. Weren't you adopted, like Koushiro?"

"The circumstances were different. I was not a wanted child."

"Do you know anything about your real parents?"

"Actually, I do, and that's what scares me the most." Ken sighed, his eyes flickering over the area, then back into the man's face. "If you want the truth…can I trust you?"

"I'm a lawyer. Technically I'm not supposed to be trustworthy. You make that decision."

Ken laughed with him, this time ringing true. "If you want the truth, I wasn't sure what I was thinking tonight. I don't want to go back home. I can't go back there. I mean, I will, but, for how long…those kids, they aren't a part of me. I don't feel a connection. Miyako put so much of herself into this that there isn't much left of her. She was once such a creative and enterprising woman and she wastes away."

"I've noticed that," The man said thoughtfully. "Such a shame, too…"

Suddenly droplets of water landed on Ken's face, the clear liquid sliding off of his eyelids and trickling down, likewise suddenly more drops came out of nowhere. "What's that?"

"Rain." The man said looking up.

"I guess that means I'll have to go home, then," Ken sighed. "Just when I thought-"

"No it doesn't." The man said, suddenly stopping, and sitting down on the grass. "If you really don't want to go, you don't have to."

Ken smiled. "So you've been here often."

"More than enough. I've tried to be so close to my father. Maybe it will help you keep in touch with yours." The man now stretched himself on the ground, his green eyes blinking and focusing upwards, reminding Ken of how he had been when he was nine years old.

"The more things change, the more they stay the same I guess." Ken smiled, sitting down next to him.

"You mean like you inviting me to Christmas parties?" The younger teased. "We have more in common than we thought. I wish I'd accepted you sooner."

"That was my fault though. But really, how have you been?"

"Awful. My youth doesn't even seem mine anymore." The thirty-five year old remarked.

"I feel that everything I've ever done was a lie." Ken plopped down on the soft damp grass. "How long do you sit here and talk to your father?"

"As long as it takes."

"I think I might join you." Ken said after a moment.

"Be my guest. Why the sudden interest, though?" His green-eyed companion asked, turning his body so he was on his side.

"I've been meaning to have a conversation with my father." The sky was reflected in Ken's eyes as the rain tampered on and off. "We have a lot more in common than we originally thought we did. I'm actually pretty glad I ran into you."

"Oh?" His companion's green eyes sparkled with interest. "Who is he?"

"Was, Iori, was." Ken took a deep breath, not having even told this to his wife of 17 years. "He was Oikawa Yukio."

The two men's eyes met in the familiar silence.