Chapter 8: After Phoebe's Lecture

Ross looked around at the audience. They were rapt, even his friends who knew Phoebe so well, even Janice, who had shown up, to everyone's surprise and Chandler's ill-concealed unease. Phoebe's lecturing technique was unorthodox – she used very informal language, made wild gestures, sprinkled her text with giggles and jokey comments that she laughed at as much as anyone – but it was extremely effective. Even the museum staff, who also knew her well by now, were apparently enthralled. The only adverse reaction he could spot was from Professor Weisenheimer, a well-known expert in the field but a notoriously dull teacher and writer. He looked as if he could smell something bad. Ross felt Phoebe could survive his disapproval.

'Okay, that's it,' Phoebe ended, with a broad grin at her audience. There was an immediate outburst of applause, which became so prolonged that she stepped from the podium and did an exaggerated curtsey, which provoked some laughter but had the effect of indicating a close to the session. There was a reception, and people began to get up and move towards the back of the room, where the refreshments were laid out.

Ross manoeuvred himself into the congratulatory throng surrounding Phoebe, and caught her eye. She smiled lovingly, and his heart turned over. More and more, he felt certain that this was the woman with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life. He could now see his feelings for Rachel for what they were, an obsessive crush on a very attractive and likable but basically unintellectual woman. Phoebe was still exploring the capabilities of her brain. Life with her would always be exciting.

'Phoebe, that was greater than great,' he said enthusiastically.

'Yeah, I really felt like I understood something,' said Joey, coming up with other friends.

'Which has to be a first,' quipped Chandler. 'You're a record breaker, Pheebs.'

'I definitely got something out of that,' said Janice. 'Thank you so much for inviting me. So, when do we see the movie?' She gave her trademark laugh.

Phoebe giggled, but, before she could reply, Professor Weisenheimer, a bulky man, had pushed to the front of the crowd around her. 'Young lady,' he said ponderously, 'what you had to say was interesting enough, but it would have been a lot better if you had not delivered it in a style more appropriate to a talk show or variety act on the television.' There was a definite sneer in his voice.

Ross felt the blood begin to pound in his temples. He took a step forward, but before he could say a word Phoebe shook her head at him.

'I'll handle this,' she said firmly, then, turning to Weisenheimer, 'would you agree, Professor Weisenheimer, that you should suit your style of address in a public lecture to your audience?'

'Well, I – ' he began, then stopped, apparently unable to think of an answer. After waiting for a moment with an exaggerated air of patience, she continued, with a bit of snap in her voice, 'Maybe you didn't notice, but the majority of the audience were not specialists like yourself, or even students, but ordinary men and women who thought the title of my talk sounded interesting, or were invited as guests, like my friends here. They were ready to learn something, sure, but they didn't want to be just instructed, like a bunch of students taking a course; they wanted to be interested and entertained. So I entertained them, and I hope I can call them to witness that they learned something along the way.'

There was a chorus of agreement, in which everyone within earshot joined. Phoebe grinned in acknowledgement. 'In fact, maybe students might learn better if they were taught a bit more like that. Do you ever tell jokes or anecdotes when you're teaching, Professor?'

He drew himself up, and said rather pompously, 'I wouldn't demean my subject by doing so.'

'Oh yeah, keep it safely dead,' said Phoebe derisively. 'Well, for me this stuff is alive, and I want to pass on my love for it in a lively way.' She looked at him challengingly. Unable to produce a reply, he turned on his heel and marched off.

'Well done, Miss Buffay,' said Dr. Ledbetter, who had come up during Phoebe's little speech. 'I've been wanting to see old Weisenheimer put in his place for years. I thought you gave an excellent lecture, and so did everyone else in the audience, from everything I've heard.' Phoebe went pink with pleasure at this praise. 'I hear your children's talks are very popular, too,' he went on, smiling at her. 'You have fully justified our decision to employ you. In fact, though I can promise nothing, I fully intend to try to persuade our Managing Committee to give you a permanent position that will make full use of your talents. After tonight, I am sure they will agree to a series of lectures at some later date, if you'd be ready to give them.'

'Oh wow!' said Phoebe joyfully. 'You bet I would, Dr. Ledbetter.'

'We'll talk about it later,' he said. 'Enjoy the rest of the evening.You've earned it.' Beaming with generalised benevolence, he wandered off into the crowd.

Phoebe turned to Ross and threw her arms round him. 'You heard the man. Let's go and celebrate, before we get caught by someone who believes the earth was created in 4004 BC or like that. I'm starving.'

'Doing a public lecture takes it out of you, especially the first time or two,' said Ross knowingly.

'Want to drop in at Monica's? I guess Chandler's gone on there already,' said Phoebe.

'I think he and Joey headed off when you were dealing with Weisenheimer,' said Ross. 'Can you believe, I once really admired that guy? What an asshole.'

'Come on, Ross, he's a very distinguished scholar,' said Phoebe mock-sternly. 'But of course,' she went on, 'that doesn't prevent him being an asshole.' They both burst out laughing.

'Where's Rachel?' said Phoebe, looking around. 'And who was that she was with?'

'Mark somebody, a guy from her office,' said Ross casually. 'I think they left right after you finished.'

'Ooh, do you think she's dating him?' said Phoebe, interested as always in her friends' love lives.

'Could be,' said Ross. 'He's a good-looking guy, and he certainly seemed to be interested in her.'

'Maybe they'll be at the restaurant, too,' said Phoebe. 'Okay, let's go.'

'Guys, do you mind if I come too?' said Janice in a small voice. She had been hovering not far away. 'I've made no plans, and I don't want to go back to my apartment. I feel like I need some company.'

Ross groaned mentally, but Phoebe said, 'Sure, Janice,' in a sympathetic tone. Janice smiled at her gratefully. 'I'll try to keep the lid on,' she said. 'Just don't let me have too much to drink.'

-----

When they arrived the restaurant was doing good business. Chandler, poker-faced in his role as maitre d'hotel, accepted Janice's presence without a tremor in his expression, and showed them to a reserved table, where Joey, Rachel and Mark were already sitting.

'Congratulations, Phoebe,' said Rachel, beaming at her. 'It's good to see you making such a success of your new career.'

'Thank you,' said Phoebe, 'and how about yours?' She thought she had picked up something in Rachel's tone.

Rachel sighed. 'I have to admit, it's not quite what I expected,' she said. 'I'm not sure I'm cut out for a career in fashion, after all.'

'Come on, Rachel, you've only been there a week,' said Mark. 'What's the problem?'

Rachel sighed again. 'Well, for one thing … has Joanna Waterman always been like that?'

'I don't know her well,' said Mark. 'Like what, precisely?'

'She's always putting Sophie her secretary down,' said Rachel. 'And when Sophie tries to do something out of the way to please her, like maybe bringing her a cookie, she just puts her down more. I don't like to see it. That's not the way to get the best out of your staff. But I can't say anything, being so new and her assistant and all.'

'I had heard rumours,' said Mark. 'There's a type of boss that's like that, it seems, that just can't help bullying a subordinate: I know of another case. But she doesn't bully you?'

'No,' said Rachel. 'I tell you, I wouldn't put up with it. Maybe she can sense that. But that's not the only thing. All I seem to be doing is typing up invoices and stuff. I miss interacting with other people, and, to be honest, I'm getting the feeling that maybe fashion is something that shouldn't be taken too seriously. I can't seem to whip up the right degree of enthusiasm sometimes.'

Ross, Phoebe and Joey looked at each other. Was this Rachel talking?

'Hey, everybody,' said a cheerful voice. They looked up to see Monica in full chef's outfit, smiling at them.

'Hey, chef!' said Joey enthusiastically. 'What's good tonight?'

'It's all good,' said Monica with fake indignation. Then she leaned down conspiratorially. 'But if you want my advice, you'll go for the lamb. The chicken's getting a little tired.'

'Perhaps it's up past its bedtime,' said Joey, surprising a laugh out of the others.

'Well, lamb sounds good to me,' said Janice, and others agreed.

'What about me?' said Phoebe. 'Do you have any more of those stuffed peppers?'

'Not tonight,' said Monica, 'but I have got stuffed zucchini instead, what the Greeks call Papoutsakia. I'm sorry I couldn't be at your lecture, Pheebs, but I'm working all the hours God sends at the moment.'

'So I notice,' said Joey meaningfully.

'Joey, I told you how it was going to be while I was building the place up,' said Monica in slight exasperation. 'And it's not my fault if the day we're closed always seems to coincide with you shooting something, so we can't get together.'

'Yes, well, at the moment we're like ships passing in the night,' said Joey in a disgruntled tone.

'Sounds more like the Ooah Bird,' said Janice, with a wicked grin.

'What's that?' said Phoebe in an interested tone.

Janice's voice took on a chanting tone. 'Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Ooah Bird! The male of the species lives at the North Pole, and the female of the species lives at the South Pole, and once a year they meet at the Equator, and all you can hear is Ooh! Aah! Ooh! Aah!' She broke down in laughter, joined by most of the others, although Monica did not look too pleased..

'Where did you come across that?' asked Phoebe between giggles.

'Oh, I met this crazy old Britisher, Oliver something, at a party once,' she said. 'It comes from something called the Wild West Show, where everyone does a chorus and then people take turns doing the bits they know, about all the animals and things in this kind of zoo, and he was performing – he knew a lot of bits. It's rather dirty, but very funny if you've had a drink or two.'

'Not my style,' said Monica repressively. 'Okay, I've got to get back to the kitchen. See you guys later.'

'If you remember any more of that, Janice, I'd like to hear it,' said Phoebe, 'but maybe not at the dinner table.' They looked at each other mischievously and began giggling again.

Then Wendy, the head waitress, who now knew them as favoured customers, came to take their order, and temporarily the topic was shelved while they all sorted out what they wanted to eat. But it seemed that Joey could not let it drop.

'Do you think things are gonna get any different?' he said, looking around. 'Or am I always going to be coming in a poor second after the restaurant?'

'Take it easy, Joe,' said Ross. 'After all, this has only been going for a month or so.'

'Yeah, what's the rush?' said Phoebe. 'After all, there are plenty of women you can date who won't want anything serious, when you can't see her.'

Joey pulled a face. 'That's kind of cynical, Pheebs,' he said. 'I couldn't do that to Monica. She'd take it very badly.'

'Wow, you have changed!' said Rachel. 'Well then, don't you think she's worth waiting for? If I were a man, I think I would.'

'Goot efenink, modoms and sirs,' said Chandler, appearing suddenly at their table and doing one of the phoney accents he always used on them. 'Some vine for-a you, yes?'

They all grinned. 'Chandler, you're mixing dialects,' said Janice, smiling at him. 'I'd like just a small glass of a nice fruity red.'

'Glassared for de classy dame,' said Chandler in a rough New York accent, making a note on his pad. He did not appear to be disconcerted by her presence this time; in fact, he winked at her. Her smile trembled a little, and briefly a longing expression appeared on her face. Then she looked down and began fumbling in her bag, to produce a handkerchief and blow her nose.

'You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Chandler?' said Phoebe. 'You always seem in a great mood when we're here.'

'Yes, I really am,' said Chandler. 'Of course, I don't kid with the other customers like that, unless they come here a lot. But you know, we're building up a steady clientele. Between them, Monica and Paula are cooking like angels – they seem to be happy too – and I'm finding keeping track of our cellar is another thing that I enjoy and, believe it or not, am good at.'

'So what's good to go with the lamb?' said Ross. 'Let's have the benefit of your new-found expertise.'

Chandler laid a finger against his nose. 'I'll get you a couple of bottles that I keep for friends,' he said, then going back into his accent, 'Only for-a y'u, I make a price especial.' Turning to Janice, he added in his ordinary voice, 'You should try it, Janice. It's just what you'd like.' Before she could respond, he had whirled away.

Janice looked after him with her mouth open for a moment, then turned back to the table. 'Would you say he's coming on to me?' she said. 'Seriously, guys – this matters a lot to me. I don't want to get my hopes up, only to get dumped in crap city again.'

They all looked at each other, none apparently wishing to be the first to speak. Finally Rachel sighed. 'I honestly don't know, Janice,' she said. 'He's done this kind of thing with me too, off and on. Maybe it's just flirting, but it's not kind to do it with you, when you have this long history. I'd wait and see if he does it some more, and more seriously.'

Janice nodded, looking resigned. 'Thanks, Rachel,' she said sincerely. 'You're a real pal. Okay, now, may I ask the table, please don't let me drink too much. Grab the glass right out of my hand if I look like helping myself to more than maybe two glasses. It's in this kind of situation that I start drinking.'

-----

Much later, the group were relaxing in full-fed contentment around the table, apart from Joey, who was now in the kitchen chatting to Monica. Ross could not remember when he had enjoyed a meal so much. The food and drink had been marvellous, and it helped that Phoebe was there, but everyone had contributed to make the evening go well, including Mark and, to his slight surprise, Janice. She really did seem to be making an effort to tone down a bit, and she had managed to stay more sober than the rest of them. She appeared to be enjoying herself, though sometimes, he noticed, her expression would go sad as her eyes followed Chandler round the room. He was beginning to feel considerable sympathy for her, now that he had had a chance to see her as a person.

Just as he was trying to catch Phoebe's eye, to hint that they might make a move to leave, his beeper went off. He looked, and looked again.

'Oh my God!' he cried, jumping up. 'Carol's having her baby!'

'Oh wow!' cried Phoebe, also jumping up. 'Are we gonna go, like, now?'

'It'll take a while,' said Janice in a soothing way. 'Probably hours and hours, unless she waited to go in until her labour was well along. So I wouldn't rush so fast you get indigestion – except that she might want you there, Ross, I guess.'

'Right, right, right,' said Ross distractedly. 'Thanks, Janice. Well, I think I'm gonna go straight there anyway. What about you, Pheebs?'

'I go where you go, lov-er,' said Phoebe, flashing a grin at him. He twitched a grin back, but his mind was evidently half elsewhere.

Chandler came over. 'So, it's finally happening?' he said.

'Sure thing,' said Ross. 'Looks like I'm going to be a dad. Tell Monica she's going to be an aunt, and of course tell Joey. But Janice thinks it may be hours yet, so no need for any special rush.'

Chandler surveyed the restaurant. 'Not much left to do here,' he said. 'We'll be along pretty fast, I think. Don't worry about the check, we'll hit you for it later. Which hospital?'

Ross, rushing to get his and Phoebe's coats, yelled the name over his shoulder.

'See you there,' called Chandler as they made for the door.

'Well, I guess I'll call in at the apartment first,' said Rachel. 'These aren't really clothes for hanging around a hospital in. Mark, thanks: it's been a great date, but …'

'I understand,' he said, smiling at her. 'This is quite an event for you guys, eh, first baby in the family?'

'Yes, it is sort of like that,' said Rachel, smiling back. 'If I'm not in at work tomorrow, you'll explain to Joanna, will you?'

'Sure,' he said. 'So, Chandler, what's my share of the check?'

They went off to sort things out, and Rachel and Janice were left together. Rachel looked at Janice, who seemed sad all of a sudden, and realised something. Janice desperately wanted to belong, and, probably because of her connection with Chandler, it was their group that she wanted to belong to – and here they were, all going off again and leaving her on her own.

'Why don't you come along too?' she said kindly.

'Oh, I don't think I could,' said Janice, looking startled. 'Carol doesn't really know me at all.'

'Well, she doesn't know any of us that well, apart from Monica,' said Rachel. 'And you're almost part of the group now, after all the time you've been dating Chandler. If we get the idea she really doesn't want you there, then I suppose you should leave, or maybe just keep out of sight. But it seems a shame that you should be kept out of this, when you've got to know us quite well.'

Janice grabbed her napkin and dabbed at her eyes. 'Rachel,' she said in a slightly choked voice, 'maybe I shouldn't say this, but you've gotten a lot nicer to me recently. Any particular reason?'

Rachel looked thoughtful. 'Well,' she said slowly, 'I guess … I seem to have started thinking about other people's feelings more. That's why the way Joanna treats her secretary, Sophie, burns me up. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to make up for the stand-offish way we've behaved towards you in the past. And I sympathise with you over Chandler. As I said, he's blown hot and cold with me too.'

'Well, I really appreciate it,' said Janice. 'If there's ever anything I can do for you, I'll do it – even if it's put in a good word for you with Chandler.' She did a brief laugh.

'I don't think either of us is going to get anywhere there, to be honest,' said Rachel. 'You know what I think?'

'No, what?' said Janice, looking intrigued.

'I think he's really got a crush on Monica,' she said. 'But I don't know if he even realises it.'

Now Janice looked thoughtful. 'Yeah, maybe you're right.' She sighed. 'It's so hard to get over him, you know. Of course, I don't do myself any favours, keeping on going to places where he'll be, but … I like being around you guys, even though you've changed from what you were, it seems to me.'

'Yes, I think we have,' said Rachel, 'and for the better, mainly. Come on, let's get a cab.'