Title: Mortal Coil 0/?
Rating: R/NC-17
Category: Angst, Dark Fic
Warnings: Yaoi, shounen-ai, Aya bastardization, Ken torture, non-consensual sex
Pairings: AyaxKen,KnightxKen, hints of Yohji+Ken
Author: Ellyr
Author E-mail: airyn_shinigami@yahoo.com
Archives: if you want it to can have it, just e-mail to let me know

Ken padded quietly down the stairs to the living room of Crasher headquarters, blinking slightly in the unfamiliar darkness. Even after two months of living here, everything was still so foreign to him. He was still shy and uncertain of himself around his new teammates, afraid that they saw him as an intruder and wanted him gone. He was scared of being reassigned a second time. He wanted some semblance of stability back in his life.

He moved through the living room and toward the kitchen, frowning slightly when he saw that the kitchen door was closed and a tiny streak of light was shining out through its edges. One of the others was up. He wanted suddenly to flee back to the safe isolation of his room, but he bit his lip and pushed hesitantly on the door. He couldn't keep hiding in the dark.

He was Hidaka Ken, and Hidaka Ken didn't act like a scared child.

But Hidaka Ken had been broken.

He forced his surge of irrational fear down into his gut and stepped hesitantly into the kitchen's soft, reassuring warmth. He almost gasped with relief when he saw that his late night companion was Knight, the closest thing to a friend that he had in Crasher. He'd gone out of his way to make Ken's transition from Weiss to this new group as smooth as it could be, letting the younger man know right away that he'd always be there if he ever wanted to talk. Ken appreciated that, even if he was still too shy to tell him so. Knight's presence had prevented him from feeling alone all the time, and the blonde seemed to be able to sense what he couldn't say.

Ken's voice was little more than a whisper.

Knight jerked his head at the stove. I made tea. You can have some if you want it.

Ken poured himself some of the hot liquid and brought it over to the table. He sat down opposite Knight and just stared at his mug, his eyes growing distant and troubled. His skin still crawled at the nearness of another person to himself. He couldn't help it. It just happened and he couldn't stop it.

Hey, Ken?

Brown flicked over to amber for a brief second before sliding away again.

Knight frowned. Ken was always so quiet, so timid when he was around other people. It was only when they were on missions that he could catch a glimpse of the person that he had probably once been, vibrant and alive and full of passionate fire. But other than those tense, adrenaline filled nights he was quiet and shy and - scared, almost. And he hated being touched. Knight had found that out on the brunette's very first day with them, when he had reached out to clasp his shoulder in a gesture of welcome. Ken had jerked away with a panicked expression, his eyes growing wide and blank, like he'd just been shot. Knight hadn't tried to touch him after that. Ken even flinched when people walked toward him. He was always so damn skittish...

He remembered casually asking their new Rook how he'd gotten along with Fujimaya. And the kid had just frozen up, his brown eyes becoming wide and terrified and his body shuddered before completely locking up. It had taken him a while to come back to the world around him, and then he'd locked himself in his room for the entire day.

That had certainly caught Knight's attention.

He shook himself slightly as he realized that his mind had been wandering. He gave the brunette a grin of apology.

Gomen. I just wanted to ask you - will you be all right on this mission?

Ken's hands tightened around his mug of tea as he looked down. I always function normally on missions. You know that.

Aa. I do. But this is different. You'll be working with Weiss again, but not as one of them. As one of us. That can throw a person off, being around a former team, especially if they're trying to - forget.

Ken's head jerked up and he stared at Knight with wide eyes.

I don't get the feeling that you left Weiss because you suddenly wanted to. Seems to me that you were running away from something.

Ken's hands were shaking slightly as he stood up and turned away. His shoulders had gone stiff. Knight moved to stand ahead of him, extending his hand.

C'mon, Ken. Trust me. Do you think you have to be all alone all the time?

Ken stared blankly at Knight's upturned palm. He wanted to take what Knight was offering. He'd spent the past nine weeks locked up in his own little world and it was lonely. He wanted to feel another person's warmth, talk with someone else with complete honesty, smile, laugh... But that was impossible. He would just get hurt again if he dared to open himself up.

He turned his head away and pushed past Knight, fleeing back to the concealing darkness of his room. Knight stared after him and sighed. He wondered how much longer it would be before he broke down.

* * *

Aya couldn't sleep that night. No matter how much he tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, sleep wouldn't come. He hated that. Hated being awake and alone with his thoughts. Especially when they were about Ken.

Ken smiling and laughing, always trying to cheer everyone up, always trying to be nice to him, even though he was always so cold.

So cold...

Ken pleading with him to stop, his brown eyes confused and scared, his hands pushing feebly at Aya's shoulders before falling limply away. His eyes squeezing tightly shut in pain. And Aya had just kept going, pounding into the younger man's body even though he'd known it was wrong, that he was hurting Ken, that Ken didn't want this...

He gritted his teeth together and tried to force the memories back into the inner recesses of his mind, where they wouldn't bother him. And yet he couldn't - the reality of what he'd done kept pounding at him, taunting him, condemning him as nothing more than one of the dark beasts they were supposed to destroy. And it was true.

Because he'd raped Ken. Broken something deep inside him. Destroyed his friend.

He wished that he hadn't seen Omi with the Schwartz brat that day. Wished that he hadn't seen them kiss. It had reminded him so painfully that he had no one, even after his imouto-chan had woken up. He couldn't bring himself to face here, not after he'd spent so many years committing murder in her name. She was better off not knowing what he'd become.

But even knowing and accepting that bitter truth, he was lonely. He wanted someone of his own, someone to hold when he needed to feel companionship, someone to keep him warm when he was cold. He wanted someone to keep the darkness at bay. Someone for him to love, and to love him back.

But there was no one.

The loneliness was enough to drive him insane. It sent him out to go drinking in order to forget himself, forget the ache that gnawed away at his insides. He'd been drinking that night. Drinking and wishing that one Hidaka Ken would look at him. Look and truly see.

But he had destroyed any chance of that ever happening when he'd raped Ken.

A single tear rolled down Aya's cheek.