Title: .Lewd of the Rings.
Rated: R for INTENSE BAD WORDS AND SEXUAL CONTENT.
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE.
PLEASE.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN...
Note: This is a parody of the movie, not the books. I mean no disrespect for the great
JRR's works. Feel free to flame this story until your pants burn off. I like all the
attention I can get.
-----------------------------------------
And it was so.
Goodhuf the Playa rode his noble purple mustang [a pimin' 78] to the highrise crib of
Screwyourmom the Hype.
"Yeah, so Froho's booking his ass so the Censor can't get his hands on the ring.
We don't need any shit like that, man."
"The hour is later than you think, old friend. The Censor's force is gaining
power in Middle-Earth. It is best that we join forces with them."
"Bitch, are you trippin? You're working for The Man, aren't you? You sold your
fucking soul to the censor, and now you want me to sell out, too? Fuck you, bizzach!"
Goodhuf bitchslapped Screwyourmom across the face like a ho.
"Oh no you didn't!" Screwyourmom snapped his fingers and wagged his head.
"Oh, bring it!" Goodhuf stepped up.
And got his ass kicked.
---------------------------------
"Sham! You don't have to hold my hand! Goofball!" Froho giggled and pushed Sham's shoulder.
"I'm not going to trip, fall, or fall down any cavernous pits. No matter what you
said!"
The two friends walked through the high stalks of marijuana until two Hobitches
jumped on them.
"Froho Faggins! Shamhigh Flegmcheese!" Pipen Toke laughed.
"Have you been into Farmer Maggot's crop again?"
"Like a bizzach!" Merry Brandyfuck laughed. "RUN!!!!"
They giggled like children and promptly fell over a cliff.
"Stay off the road! Goodhuf said so!" Froho wailed as all the Hobitches dived under
the lip of a large root.
Instantly, a loud screeching sound was heard. And snuffling, chortling, and
snortling noises filled the silence. One of the Popopigs dismounted his patrol
horse and waddled over to the root. He sniffed the air... He could smell
a doughtnut a mile away. . . Yummmmmm.
*Fuck!* Merry thought and threw a bag of pastries into the bushes away from them.
The Popopig screeched hungrily and rode after the tastey treat.
"Damn, Froho, what was that?!" Pipen screamed. "What did you do?"
"I...."
"Stop pressing him, dick!" Sham shouted, huggling Froho to him. "He's had a very
very rough day." He stroked Froho's nice, dark, shiny, soft, luscious, sweet-smelling,
ebony hair. That Sham! So motherly and nuturing!
"Then we go to Buckleberry Ferry...".
------------------------------------
"Damn, Froho. I still can't believe you didn't make the jump from the dock to the
boat. Good thing Sham was there to pull you in by the front of your trousers!"
"Ah, about that... Sham--"
"Shhh. Don't say a word." He pressed a finger to Froho's lips. "I like you when you
get all wet...". Sham was so kind to Froho's ego!
"There it is--the Inn of the Nancing Fairy... Is Goodhuf here?" Froho asked the
bartender.
"Sorry, little man. Ain't seen him around." The burly man gruffed. "But I think
that homeless man there wants to have a gander at y'all nekkid."
"He's been staring at you all night..." Merry whispered.
Sham gripped his beer stein so hard it shattered to pieces in his hand.
"Froho Faggins! He's my second and first cousin once removed on either side!"
A drunk Pipen coughed.
Fuck you, Pipen! Everyone thought.
Froho paniced as bigger, harrier, men grabbed him. He slipped, and the ring fell
onto his finger.
"Woah! Where'd the fresh meat go?!" One of the men yelled.
HA! He was invisible! Everything the Censor touched always lost its soul. Without soul,
there is nothing....
"That's a nice piece of ass you have, young sir. You draw far too much attention to
yourself..." Alotofporn touched Froho's face. The man was a hobo bum who smelled BAD.
"EEEWWWIES!" Froho squeaked, spraying the man with kiwi-mango body spray. "Get some soap!"
The man dragged Froho back to his room. Oh no! This was the end! Good thing he still
wore his Britney Spears Brand© chastity belt!
"TOUCH-HIM-AND-DIE-YOU-MUTHERFUCKING-PIECE-OF-FUCKING-HOBO-SHIT!" Sham SCREAMED, snorting like a rapid
bull and kicking down the door with one kick. He LUNGED for Alotofporn and kicked the crap out
of him.
"Yeah, bizzach!" Pipen and Merry shouted in unison.
"I din mean no harm!" Alotofporn h'yucked and put a piece of straw in his mouth. "I gots me a
racked bitch at home."
"We'll see, longshanks." Sham's eyes narrowed.
-------------------------------------
"Sham, I'm not afraid. You don't have to hold me so close. Really." Froho choked as
Sham snuggled closer to him. "You can go back to your own bed now..."
Shrieks cried out from across the street as the 9 Popopigs ripped apart the decoy beds.
"Damn, what are those things?" Pipen toked up.
"The Popopigs... Nice Pigs [cough police cough] who are servants of the Censor. They are
servants to the Ring and will not stop hunting you, Froho."
"Aww! They love me that much!"
"No, they love the Dark Lord that much."
"Oooooooooooh." They all nodded their heads in understanding.
"Tomorrow we leave for Rivendell. It's a pimped-out city filled with hot Elf ass."
"Yahoo!" Pipen and Merry cheered.
Rated: R for INTENSE BAD WORDS AND SEXUAL CONTENT.
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE.
PLEASE.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN...
Note: This is a parody of the movie, not the books. I mean no disrespect for the great
JRR's works. Feel free to flame this story until your pants burn off. I like all the
attention I can get.
-----------------------------------------
And it was so.
Goodhuf the Playa rode his noble purple mustang [a pimin' 78] to the highrise crib of
Screwyourmom the Hype.
"Yeah, so Froho's booking his ass so the Censor can't get his hands on the ring.
We don't need any shit like that, man."
"The hour is later than you think, old friend. The Censor's force is gaining
power in Middle-Earth. It is best that we join forces with them."
"Bitch, are you trippin? You're working for The Man, aren't you? You sold your
fucking soul to the censor, and now you want me to sell out, too? Fuck you, bizzach!"
Goodhuf bitchslapped Screwyourmom across the face like a ho.
"Oh no you didn't!" Screwyourmom snapped his fingers and wagged his head.
"Oh, bring it!" Goodhuf stepped up.
And got his ass kicked.
---------------------------------
"Sham! You don't have to hold my hand! Goofball!" Froho giggled and pushed Sham's shoulder.
"I'm not going to trip, fall, or fall down any cavernous pits. No matter what you
said!"
The two friends walked through the high stalks of marijuana until two Hobitches
jumped on them.
"Froho Faggins! Shamhigh Flegmcheese!" Pipen Toke laughed.
"Have you been into Farmer Maggot's crop again?"
"Like a bizzach!" Merry Brandyfuck laughed. "RUN!!!!"
They giggled like children and promptly fell over a cliff.
"Stay off the road! Goodhuf said so!" Froho wailed as all the Hobitches dived under
the lip of a large root.
Instantly, a loud screeching sound was heard. And snuffling, chortling, and
snortling noises filled the silence. One of the Popopigs dismounted his patrol
horse and waddled over to the root. He sniffed the air... He could smell
a doughtnut a mile away. . . Yummmmmm.
*Fuck!* Merry thought and threw a bag of pastries into the bushes away from them.
The Popopig screeched hungrily and rode after the tastey treat.
"Damn, Froho, what was that?!" Pipen screamed. "What did you do?"
"I...."
"Stop pressing him, dick!" Sham shouted, huggling Froho to him. "He's had a very
very rough day." He stroked Froho's nice, dark, shiny, soft, luscious, sweet-smelling,
ebony hair. That Sham! So motherly and nuturing!
"Then we go to Buckleberry Ferry...".
------------------------------------
"Damn, Froho. I still can't believe you didn't make the jump from the dock to the
boat. Good thing Sham was there to pull you in by the front of your trousers!"
"Ah, about that... Sham--"
"Shhh. Don't say a word." He pressed a finger to Froho's lips. "I like you when you
get all wet...". Sham was so kind to Froho's ego!
"There it is--the Inn of the Nancing Fairy... Is Goodhuf here?" Froho asked the
bartender.
"Sorry, little man. Ain't seen him around." The burly man gruffed. "But I think
that homeless man there wants to have a gander at y'all nekkid."
"He's been staring at you all night..." Merry whispered.
Sham gripped his beer stein so hard it shattered to pieces in his hand.
"Froho Faggins! He's my second and first cousin once removed on either side!"
A drunk Pipen coughed.
Fuck you, Pipen! Everyone thought.
Froho paniced as bigger, harrier, men grabbed him. He slipped, and the ring fell
onto his finger.
"Woah! Where'd the fresh meat go?!" One of the men yelled.
HA! He was invisible! Everything the Censor touched always lost its soul. Without soul,
there is nothing....
"That's a nice piece of ass you have, young sir. You draw far too much attention to
yourself..." Alotofporn touched Froho's face. The man was a hobo bum who smelled BAD.
"EEEWWWIES!" Froho squeaked, spraying the man with kiwi-mango body spray. "Get some soap!"
The man dragged Froho back to his room. Oh no! This was the end! Good thing he still
wore his Britney Spears Brand© chastity belt!
"TOUCH-HIM-AND-DIE-YOU-MUTHERFUCKING-PIECE-OF-FUCKING-HOBO-SHIT!" Sham SCREAMED, snorting like a rapid
bull and kicking down the door with one kick. He LUNGED for Alotofporn and kicked the crap out
of him.
"Yeah, bizzach!" Pipen and Merry shouted in unison.
"I din mean no harm!" Alotofporn h'yucked and put a piece of straw in his mouth. "I gots me a
racked bitch at home."
"We'll see, longshanks." Sham's eyes narrowed.
-------------------------------------
"Sham, I'm not afraid. You don't have to hold me so close. Really." Froho choked as
Sham snuggled closer to him. "You can go back to your own bed now..."
Shrieks cried out from across the street as the 9 Popopigs ripped apart the decoy beds.
"Damn, what are those things?" Pipen toked up.
"The Popopigs... Nice Pigs [cough police cough] who are servants of the Censor. They are
servants to the Ring and will not stop hunting you, Froho."
"Aww! They love me that much!"
"No, they love the Dark Lord that much."
"Oooooooooooh." They all nodded their heads in understanding.
"Tomorrow we leave for Rivendell. It's a pimped-out city filled with hot Elf ass."
"Yahoo!" Pipen and Merry cheered.