Desperate Measures
By: SherryGabs
Rating: PG
*****************
Part 2
His first instinct was to avoid running into anyone. His second thought was to not let anyone find him; specifically Deanna, who would probably not be far behind him. After throwing his comm badge down, Will found the nearest jeffrey's tube and worked his way to the center of the ship. Next to the central turbolift, was another shaft with a ladder that ran most of the vertical length of the ship. This shaft was usually only used occasionally by maintenance personnel, and Will knew it would be highly unlikely anyone would be in there.
He climbed the shaft until his exhausted body wouldn't make another deck. His arms and legs felt like rubber as he got off the ladder and cautiously sat on the ledge that went around the shaft. Will brought one leg up in front of himself and rested his forehead on his knee, breathing heavily and realizing how incredibly out of shape he was becoming. His heavy head was still slightly buzzing from all the alcohol he'd consumed.
When he'd got his breath back, Will wearily lifted his head from his knee and looked down into the shaft. It went on and on fading into blackness many decks down. He thought of how easy it would be to just let himself.... go.
Staring down into the blackness made him lightheaded and he closed his eyes to ease it. He'd been in this shaft before. When his insecurities would get the better of him, he'd come here for isolation. Like when he'd been accused of killing Dr. Apgar and seducing his wife; when he'd lost Soren to the "mind cleaning" her people thought she needed for her depravities.... her love for him. After his nightmare of captivity in the mental hospital on Tilonus IV, or when he'd once again disappointed Captain Picard by keeping him in the dark about the Pegasus experiment.
Sometimes things got to the commander. He wasn't always as strong as everyone thought he was. Even Deanna didn't know how little he thought of himself at times. This was one of those rare times.... only much worse. This time the despondency seemed infinite; like everything was coming to an end. So, like those other times, he came here to hide. To think. To work his way through situations he didn't want to confide to anyone else. Nobody would think to look for him here. When he was in one of these moods, he just needed to get away from everyone.
Will stared down the shaft again. ~I wonder how much it would hurt to hit bottom,~ he pondered. ~It wouldn't, you idiot. You'd be dead instantly,~ was his own reply. He sighed sadly. ~Would that be so terrible?~
************
Deanna got to her feet. Steadying herself against the wall, she got herself under control. She realized breaking down would not help her find Will. Her hands shaking, she put Will's comm badge in her pants pocket, wiped the moisture from her cheeks and tried to think. ~Where would he go?~ She would try the obvious places he frequented first, just in case. Stepping away from the wall she picked up a brisk pace through the corridor, not acknowledging anyone as she brushed passed them. She tried the arboretum, the holodecks and Ten Forward with no luck. As she kept walking, she tried to reach out to him with her mind, but could not sense him. He had become too adept at blocking her. She was on her way to yet another turbolift when she turned a corner and literally ran into Worf.
Worf grabbed Deanna's arms to keep her from falling. He saw her smeared makeup and tracks of tears on her face. "Deanna! What is wrong? Has someone hurt you?" he demanded loudly.
"Oh Worf!" She took hold of Worf's strong forearms and begged with desperate eyes. "You have to help me find Will!"
The security chief's eyes clouded with anger. "Did he hurt you?"
"No! No!" Deanna shook her head. "*He* was the one who was hurt. It's all my fault!"
Hysteria threatened her once again. Worf sighed impatiently and put his hands on her shoulders. "Calm down and explain."
Deanna appreciated the way Worf tried to ground her. "You saw how he's been ever since you and I got together. He was more upset by it than I ever realized. He'd been drinking and we got into an argument." She took a shuddering breath. "He was deeply troubled and he said some things...." She paused and a haunted look came to her eyes. "I think he's going to try...." Her lips quivered and she whispered, "I think he might try to kill himself." She pulled Will's comm badge from her pocket. "He threw this away. Oh Worf! He was in pieces. You have to help me find him!"
~Humans and their irrationality!~ Worf thought. "Yes, I will help you." He thought for a few seconds. "We will look separately and cover more space. I will call a security team to search-" His words stopped when he looked over Deanna's shoulder.
"Worf? What-" Deanna face became confused when she saw Worf roll his eyes heavenward and sigh. He turned her around by her shoulders and she looked up to face the person in question.
"Will!" She threw her arms around him and cried in relief. "Are you all right?" She stepped back and looked him up and down. He was a sight in his dirty, rumpled uniform, mussed hair, and tired face. "Where have you been?" she asked gently. "I've been worried sick."
"I'm sorry." Will stepped out of her embrace and looked at her sheepishly. "I shouldn't have worried you like that." He took a deep breath, let it out and crossed his arms self-consciously. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" He looked to Worf barely able to keep eye contact, as if ashamed. "You too, if you can."
"Of course. Let's go to my quarters." Deanna fed her arm through Will's to keep a hold of him and shot Worf a look that read ~You *will* come!~
Worf swallowed nervously and muttered, "I will be glad to."
*************
The three sat down in Deanna's quarters. Will held a cup of strong hot coffee, feeling the warmth permeate his chilled hands. He'd sobered up a bit before going in search of the woman and counselor whose help he needed. He was feeling deeply guilty and embarrassed. Deanna could sense his emotions easily now and felt she should wait for him to speak first.
He glanced at Worf and Deanna nervously, then looked down into his cup and cleared his throat. "First of all, I'm really sorry for being such a jackass these past few weeks. I had no right or sensible reason to do that. I was just being a selfish, jealous jerk, and I wouldn't be surprised if either of you never wanted to speak to me again." He looked up from his cup into the Klingon's face. "Worf, I've thought some things about you lately that were totally uncalled for. You're a good man. And I let jealous anger ruin our friendship." He seemed to choke up a bit. "I hope you can forgive me. Deanna couldn't have been in better hands."
"I am not without blame, Commander." Worf met Will's eyes with a uncharacteristic humble gaze. "I must admit I let my ego enjoy the fact that I was able to attract Deanna. Especially away from you." He saw the befuddled look in Will's face and Deanna's downcast eyes and continued. "And I let things go on when I saw how it was affecting our working relationship and our friendship. I was wrong to let that happen. I was also negligent in realizing how different Klingon and Betazoid cultures are. It should have been evident long ago that we would not have been compatible." Worf's shoulders slumped and his eyes lowered to his clasped hands. "My behavior was dishonorable and I take full responsibility for how it has changed what we were before."
"You didn't take her away from me, Worf. She wasn't mine to begin with. There was nothing to stop you."
Worf looked seriously at Will, hoping for adequate articulation. "A part of each of you has belonged to the other for many years. Deanna tried to explain the bond of Imzadi you both share. As well as I understand it, I can never hope to compete with something like that; and wouldn't have wanted to try even if we had been able to stay together. So in a way she does belong to you and I hope you do the right thing."
Worf swallowed his unease at the emotional words and continued. "I also hope our friendship can be renewed." The corners of his mouth upturned into what could almost be construed as a smile. "I miss having a worthy opponent for my calisthenics."
Will managed a small smile, remembering how grueling those workouts were. "I think that can be arranged."
Deanna smiled and stood up. She had been getting a little annoyed at being spoken of as property, but understood the motivation and male psyche behind it. She took a hand from each man into hers. "Well, I think this has been quite productive. I also hope you let nothing and no one come between either of you ever again." She brought both their hands together for them to grasp and shake, which they did.
"Worf, I'd like to speak to Will alone now, if you don't mind."
Worf was glad for a reason to leave before the next too-human, sure-to-be overly-emotional scene. Deanna followed him to the door and gave him a silent thanks with a kiss on his cheek. He nodded and walked out.
Deanna demurely walked back and sat slightly apart from Will on the sofa. He placed his coffee cup on the table and didn't look up as his solemn voice told her, "Deanna, about earlier...."
"Wait," she interrupted, placing her hand on his arm until he looked up at her, then released it. "I have to apologize also."
"Why? You didn't do anything. I-"
"Yes, I did," she declared, then continued hesitantly. "I intentionally flaunted my relationship with Worf to get under your skin. I saw how jealous you were and I took advantage of it." She bit her lower lip as a fresh tear rolled down her cheek. "I enjoyed the fact that I could make you jealous, and I paid no regard as to how much it was hurting you. Will, I'm so, so sorry. I know how wrong I was to do that and I'm deeply ashamed."
Will remained silent, looking very sad, not knowing what to say.
"I meant what I said earlier about loving Worf in our own way. But we realized we probably could never have much of a future so we agreed to go back to being friends." Deanna's look was pained, her guilt ran deep. "I knew you still loved me, by the jealousy you showed. I mistakenly thought you would jump at the chance to get together with me."
She reached to take Will's hand, feeling her heart drop when he snatched it away and moved a little further away from her. She wondered how she was ever going to fix this.
Hearing Deanna's confession made Will wonder what he had ever done to make her want to do that to him. He was confused as to how she could claim to love Worf one minute and expect him to welcome her in his arms the next. His face showed his hurt confusion as he quietly listened to her continue.
Deanna seemed to know what he must have been thinking. "Will, you didn't do anything at all. It was all me." Her voice shook slightly. "When Worf and I first started seeing each other I was irritated at your jealousy, but then this adolescent girl inside of me took over and decided to have some fun at your expense. I don't know why I took pleasure in seeing you jealous. Maybe a small part of me was thinking it was getting even for all the girlfriends you've had over the years." She drooped her shoulders and sighed at her own assessment. "I don't know! But I had no idea how *badly* you were affected until I came to see you earlier." She kept her eyes on his face. "I saw how pitiful you were. How sad. I shouldn't have let myself get angry at the things you'd said." She noticed Will close his eyes and cringe slightly. "Instead I should have realized *I* was the root of the problem. I know it wasn't *you* who said those hateful words, it was the alcohol and your pain. So please don't blame yourself for anything. I don't blame you at *all*, Will!"
Will looked at her and could see the tears threatening to fall from her beautiful eyes. He could hear the anguish in her voice and couldn't doubt her sincerity. He couldn't stand to see her cry and her next words almost broke his heart.
"When you ran out of your cabin and I remembered your words and behavior, I thought you were going to do something dreadful. I thought you were going to try to-" Her face twisted in despair and her voice finally broke. "I was *so* scared, Will! I've never been more frightened of anything than the thought of losing you like that. Because of me! I searched everywhere and couldn't find you. I finally ran into Worf and he was going to help me look for you."
"Then suddenly, seeing you standing there," she smiled shakily through her tears, "was such a joyous relief. I thought I'd lost you. But there you were- dirty, mussed up- and the most beautiful person I have ever seen." She shook her head slowly and begged with pleading eyes. "Please let me hold you."
He couldn't stand it anymore. Seeing her tears, her anguish. Knowing how close he had actually come to making her fears come true finally broke the dam. He reached for her as his emotions overflowed in a deep, guttural sob. She held him tightly and her tears flowed with his, soaking in his pain and torment. She rocked him till the sobs became deep shuddering breaths and eventually the breathing of exhausted sleep.
She laid back on the sofa, gently taking him with her. She was not about to leave him alone. She vowed that never again would Will Riker ever feel alone.
******************
Will was still in a sound sleep when Deanna woke the next morning. She stared at him, taking in his pinched features. He was more than just tired, he looked ill. Physically and mentally. Knowing he would be in no shape for duty and that she wanted to start repairing the damage done to him, she gently slid away from him off the sofa, stretched her aching body and went to her computer terminal. She sent a message for the captain stating Will was under the weather and wouldn't be on the bridge that day and that she'd explain it in full later; hoping he would be understanding and not want an explanation before then. Afterwards, she sent Beverly a message telling her she'd be bringing Will to her later that morning for a complete physical. Something he was long overdue for anyway. She then cleared her own schedule for the day.
Deanna went into the bathroom and washed her face, avoiding looking in the mirror, not wanting to see just how puffy her face felt. When she felt alive again, she came back out to the living room, ordered two orange juices from the replicator and sat down next to Will's reclined body. She placed the glasses on the coffee table and tenderly brushed the back of her hand against his cheek.
"Will?"
His only response was a moan and turning his head away from whatever was touching him.
She squeezed his shoulder and gently shook it. "Will, please wake up."
He moaned again, slowly coming to consciousness. "Wiiiiiiiill?" she repeated again, a little louder.
His muddled mind was slow to register the voice near him, but it sunk in and he squinted open his eyes. ~Deanna? What-?~ He tried to shake his head into wakefulness and immediately regretted it when his head exploded in pain. "Ohhh!" he grimaced and held the side of his head.
"Headache?" she asked, without a hint of reproachfulness. She wasn't going to make him feel guilty about his drinking binge.
His eyes were squeezed shut as he carefully nodded his head. Deanna went back to the replicator and used her medical clearance to get a hypo. Will was already remembering some things from the night before when she brought the hypo to his neck. A few seconds after the hiss of the hypo his head began to clear.
"Thanks," he quietly said as he remembered more and more. His face took on a culpable look and he slowly sat up, placing his feet on the floor and his elbows on his knees. He let his head hang down and twisted his neck in all directions to loosen it up. He couldn't quite meet her eyes when he asked, "So, did I make a complete jackass out of myself last night, or what?"
Deanna lifted both glasses of juice and sat down on the coffee table as she handed one to him. "You did no such thing. Drink your juice." She took a drink of hers and watched as Will swallowed a bit of his, only to give a sour look as it hit his stomach. He tried another, but the nausea he experienced made him put the glass back down.
"I feel like shit," he declared and rested back against the sofa, closing his eyes.
"Understandable," Deanna replied. She sensed his guilt and the remnants of a hangover. But knew all his aches weren't because of that.
"Are you always so reasonable in the mornings, or am I getting special treatment?"
"You're getting special treatment." She looked at him with doe eyes, full of her own apprehension. She touched his knee so he'd look at her. "Please, Will. I need to know if you forgive me or not. Do you remember what I said last night?"
"I remember pretty much everything, unfortunately." He lifted his head and ran a hand through his already spiked hair. "I won't say I wasn't hurt by what you did." She looked down in regret. "But you aren't the first woman who's tried to make me jealous and I'll never claim to understand the motivation behind any female's actions." He gave her a tired smile when she lifted her confused eyes. "I forgive you."
She felt a weight being lifted from her heart at his words, breathed in relief and smiled warmly. Yet she could sense and see from his expression that it wasn't all there was. "What is it, Will?"
He was amazed she could read him so easily now, when it seemed she couldn't in recent weeks. But remembered he had shut her out during that time and now felt remorse for that. He felt timid about telling her what had been happening to him recently, but knew he had to do it.
"Deanna, I completely overreacted when I saw that you and Worf were becoming close. It seemed the longer it lasted, the closer you got; the more it ate at me." He leaned forward, clasping his hands together. His eyes were seeing his past actions and they had a frightened look in them. "I don't know why I let it get to me so much. You were right. I did.... do.... love you. A part of me always will," he said hesitantly. "But it's not like I had any claim on you. You were free to see whomever you pleased. But I couldn't see that."
"I just let it eat away at me. Then other things started happening. It wasn't *only* you and Worf that's been getting to me. I began making mistakes, my dad was on my back again. I felt I was failing at everything. Things just kept piling up; I used to be able to handle it all." He shook his head. "But I can't anymore and I don't know why!" He looked at her with desperate eyes. "Last night I said such awful things to you. I don't know *where* all that came from! I was just so *angry* and I wanted to take the pain out on you." His voice had risen and his breathing quickened. He wrapped his arms around his front as if warding off a chill. "And then you got angry and all I could hear was you and the voices, and you were all mad at me. I couldn't take anymore and had to get out of there!"
Deanna had sat there listening intently, letting Will get it out. She was more than a little alarmed by the time she interrupted. "Will, calm down." She got down on her knees in front of him. "Take a deep breath and relax." He did as she soothingly instructed as she wrapped her hands around his. "Whose voices? What did they say?"
Will forced himself to wait a few more seconds to get himself more under control. "The captain's. Mostly my father's. Telling me how disappointed they were. That I was stupid, unprofessional and irresponsible. Worthless." He would have jumped to his feet in frustration if her caressing hands hadn't felt so good. "Deanna, tell me I haven't gone completely nuts!"
Deanna almost groaned at the memory of saying just about the same ridiculing words as Kyle Riker to him the night before. She remembered Will saying that she and his father had the same opinion about him. Oh how she wished she could take those words back. She had failed Will as a counselor when she let her temper take over. As a psychologist, she should have seen this breakdown coming and taken measures to prevent it. Before it was too late.
~Was it too late?~ She refused to grant the notion. ~No! I can make this right. No matter what it takes.~
"No, Will. You are not nuts." Deanna said, determined to keep him talking. "It isn't so far fetched for one to think he's hearing voices when it's actually just past memories vividly coming to mind. And I'm sure some of the things I said didn't help matters any." She saw his rebuke of her self- blame coming and stopped it with a raised hand. "I *am* partially responsible for this, Will. I will not refuse to acknowledge that."
Will knew she wouldn't back down and meekly nodded his acceptance. He knew she felt guilty and she wouldn't feel better until she was able to work through it.
"But please, *please* believe that you are *not* what you described those memories as saying. Anyone on this ship, anyone who knows you at all will tell you those things aren't true." She could see by the look on his face that he couldn't quite believe that, but decided not to press it anymore at that time. They would have plenty of time later to get his self-esteem back up. Deanna was still desperate to know what had happened the night before between his disappearance and reappearance a couple of hours later. "Can you to tell me where you went and what you did when you left last night?"
He'd been waiting for this part to come up. Whether she was his friend or counselor at the moment didn't matter. He wanted to let her know how he felt.
"After I left you, I wasn't in a good state of mind." He cleared his throat nervously. He never was very comfortable talking about himself, but he had been so frightened by his close encounter with self-inflicted demise that he knew he was in big trouble. "I didn't want anyone following me, so I dropped my comm. badge." He looked down at the bare spot on his uniform where the badge should have been and thought to himself how he needed to find it. Deanna released his hands to pull the badge from her pocket and pressed it to his chest. He sighed and smiled his gratitude. He also decided he would rather be standing to stretch his cramped muscles than sitting any longer. He walked to the window and stared out at the stars as he continued.
"There's a place I sometimes go to when I want to think alone. It's a maintenance shaft that parallels the central turbo shaft. Except for the noise of the turbolift, it's quite solitary."
Deanna was surprised that there was something that personal to Will that she didn't know about. She also thought it an odd spot for a person to want to be, but was used to such things with her profession.
"I kept climbing until I was exhausted and planted myself on a ledge." He took a deep breath and released it slowly. And once again wrapped his arms around himself. His palms were sweaty and he wiped them on his upper sleeves. "I remember feeling lower and more dismal than I've ever felt before in my life. And believe me, there's been a few times I've let self- pity get the better of me. But this time it seemed so impossible to deal with." He paused briefly, feeling a cold shudder run through him at the memory. It vanished almost immediately when he felt Deanna's hands running up and down his arms from behind him. He wanted nothing more than to just melt into her warm embrace. But didn't dare.
"For a time, I just couldn't see any future for me here.... or anywhere for that matter. I looked down the shaft and it seemed to go on forever. I wondered how much it would hurt if I...... fell. Then realized it didn't matter because being dead would be a whole lot easier than being alive."
Deanna couldn't stop the eruption of tears upon hearing this and feeling every ounce of his pain. She laid her head against his back and silently sobbed.
"I came so close, Deanna. So damn close." Another deep breath escaped him. "But then I heard another voice."
Deanna lifted her head. "Whose?"
Will turned around to face her. "Your mother's."
This came totally from left field and it took her a moment to be able to get the words out. "M-My mother's?"
Will smiled at her utterly confused look and lifted his hands to her face, using his thumbs to wipe the wetness from under her eyes. "I had that same reaction." He allowed himself the luxury of holding her face a moment longer before letting go.
"I have no idea if it was real or not, but she started harping on me about how ridiculous I was being. That whatever she may have thought of me when I was chasing you around Betazed had been proven wrong by my dedication to you as a friend since then. She said that our Imzadi bond was still as strong as ever and that when you and I both outgrew our selfish desires concerning our careers and chasing other people around that we'd see that. She also threw in something insolent about how long it was taking and that she wanted grandchildren before she died of old age."
Will's face screwed up in puzzlement. "It was like she was right there in my head. I could just picture her standing there with some extremely loud, god-awful dress waving her arms to emphasize her point. Then she told me that there was obviously other things troubling me and that I should find you and work it all out. It was so weird." Will chuckled dryly and shrugged. "But it got me thinking. And I realized that I had let things get way out of control. That as long as I couldn't commit fully to you, then you had no reason to commit to me. But that someday it *could* happen. When we're both ready."
Deanna smiled tremulously. "It just might." She had been so shocked hearing the clarity of her mother's words. They sounded just like her. She had to wonder if it was just in Will's head, his own imagination. Or had her mother somehow been able to feel Will's turmoil and been able to cast her thoughts to him over such a long distance. She didn't think it possible. Will wasn't a telepath and couldn't possibly have received anything from her. Even so, she was grateful her Imzadi was here with her now, safe and sound.
"Will, you'll never know how terrified I was not knowing where you were last night. I was so afraid you'd succeed in what you wanted to do, and that I had such a big part in it." The tears started again. "I couldn't have lived with myself if that had happened. I love you, Imzadi. And I am so sorry!"
Will pulled her to him and wrapped his entire soul around her. "Shhh. It wasn't just you. I know now that many things have contributed to my actions lately. And *I'm* sorry for frightening you. I wasn't thinking right and hurting you is the last thing I want to do."
Deanna nodded. "I know." She sniffled and pressed her face into his shoulder. "We'll work through this." It felt so good for him to hold her like this. She missed it so much. It also verified what her eyes had finally noticed that morning, that he'd lost weight.
"We better, or the captain's gonna bust me down to ensign." He suddenly panicked, looking around for a chronometer. "Shit! What time is it? I have bridge duty this morning!"
"Relax. I called you off. You're in no shape for work today."
"You did?" Will got a little angry. "Deanna, I'm in enough trouble as it is with him! I can't afford-"
Deanna grabbed him tightly. "Let me handle the captain. He'll understand. I think he'd rather have a healthy first officer than a ragged half first officer."
"But-"
"Captain Picard knows first hand that sometimes people need to take time to readjust themselves. I'm his counselor, too. Remember?"
Will sighed, backing down. He did know that the captain spent time with Deanna on a regular basis. And that he had desperately needed her help after his time in captivity with the Borg and then the Cardassians. He just hated having the Captain think he wasn't fit for duty.
"It will be okay," Deanna reassured him. "We're already off to a good start." She patted his arms. "And now, we're both going to get cleaned up and then I'm taking you to see Dr. Crusher for a physical."
"A physical? Why?" He balked at the thought of a major check-up. He'd been to Dr. Crusher for headaches lately, but that was all. And then he wouldn't really let her examine him, just give him relief.
"Because you need one," she stated simply with a smile. "Consider it Counselor's orders." She already suspected what she thought was a major part of his problem. Depression. But he needed to be tested by a doctor to verify. She also thought the 'voices' Will had heard were really just memories. She didn't think Will was prone to that type of delusional behavior. "Now go to your quarters and take a nice hot shower and come back here when you're finished. I'm sure you remember how to let yourself in."
It had been a while since he'd felt free to let himself into her cabin, but remembered the access code. He walked to the door, muttering, "All right. But I don't have to like it."
"Well, some things never change," she said to herself and headed towards her bathroom.
An hour later he returned, his hair still damp but combed neatly, and looking much better in a clean, pressed uniform. Deanna was putting dishes from a quick breakfast back into the replicator. She doubted he'd gotten himself anything to eat, so she asked. "Do you want any breakfast?"
"No. I just want to get this over with," he grumbled with the impatience of a child.
She sighed, wondering again when he'd eaten a decent meal last. "Okay. But please promise me you'll eat something afterwards?"
"I'll try," he said somberly, noting her worried look and feeling bad for it. "I promise." She acquiesced with a smile and took his hand.
When they got to Sickbay, Beverly was already setting things up for them. "Ah, you're here. Good." She was more than happy to comply with Deanna's message that morning. She had been worried herself about the commander, but could do nothing about it until he either volunteered for a check-up or was forced into it. She had a feeling he was being pushed into it by his expression and hid her smile. She ordered Will up onto the table and said she'd be right back as she pulled Deanna into her office.
Professional to professional, Deanna told Beverly what she knew about Will's condition and what she suspected. Beverly tsk'd, shaking her head, wondering why the man let himself go for so long. After promising to fill the doctor in on more personal things later on, Deanna waited in the office while Beverly went out to put the commander through her paces.
A little later when the diagnosis and prognosis were presented to Will, he was too ashamed to look at either woman. ~Depression. Great! I am a mental case.~
Deanna sensed this and lifted his chin to look him in the eye. "Will, depression is a *medical* problem. Biological in nature. A chemical imbalance that can be treated with medication. It's possible one of your parents suffered from it also, since it can be hereditary. It probably surfaced due to sudden emotional upheaval." Her eyes saddened. "Namely me and my actions of late."
Will stared into her dark eyes, trying to understand. He remembered his father's dark moods from when he was a boy and saw some similarities. The memories of his father's anger lashing out at him, his own self-esteem issues; and most of all, his Imzadi blaming herself was too much. He struggled for breath and pulled Deanna to him, burying his face in her hair as he tried unsuccessfully not to cry.
"No. Not just you," his voice broke. "Too many other things. Not you."
Deanna held him. "You're right. Too many things. But we'll fix it. Together."
Beverly's eyes misted. She hoped this was the start for her two best friends to shorten the rift that had spanned between them for too long. ~They belong together.~ She thought. It made her think of her own questionable relationship with Jean Luc. ~Was it ever going to lead anywhere?~
After giving them a moment, she cleared her throat so she could start her treatment on Will. Holding up a hypo she explained, "This is an inhibitor for the chemical imbalance in your brain. Once we know this is doing the trick you can give it to yourself on a daily basis. Until then, you'll come here to get it. *Everyday* Commander!"
"For how long?" he asked, getting himself pulled together.
"For as long as you need it. Could be weeks, months maybe. Every person is different." She administered the shot and got another one ready. "*This* is a vitamin supplement. Your diet of alcohol is going to stop!" she said sternly. "You will also get one of these daily until I say otherwise. And starting today, you will start eating three square meals a day. The reason you feel sick is because of malnourishment. Eating, instead of drinking, your meals will make a world of difference. Understood?"
"I just haven't felt like eating." He sighed.
"I know," the doctor said soothingly, rubbing his shoulder. "But with the medication, you should start feeling better." She gave him the vitamin supplement. "And as for your duties, I'm ordering you off-duty for a week."
"A week!"
"Yes, a week. You need the rest." Beverly winked at Deanna. "You either spend the next seven days sleeping and vacationing on the holodeck with the counselor, or you can spend it here in sickbay with me!"
Deanna laughed at the double meaning she could tell Will was thinking through. ~Was that sleep with the counselor? Or vacation with the counselor? Or both?~
TBC
*****************
Part 2
His first instinct was to avoid running into anyone. His second thought was to not let anyone find him; specifically Deanna, who would probably not be far behind him. After throwing his comm badge down, Will found the nearest jeffrey's tube and worked his way to the center of the ship. Next to the central turbolift, was another shaft with a ladder that ran most of the vertical length of the ship. This shaft was usually only used occasionally by maintenance personnel, and Will knew it would be highly unlikely anyone would be in there.
He climbed the shaft until his exhausted body wouldn't make another deck. His arms and legs felt like rubber as he got off the ladder and cautiously sat on the ledge that went around the shaft. Will brought one leg up in front of himself and rested his forehead on his knee, breathing heavily and realizing how incredibly out of shape he was becoming. His heavy head was still slightly buzzing from all the alcohol he'd consumed.
When he'd got his breath back, Will wearily lifted his head from his knee and looked down into the shaft. It went on and on fading into blackness many decks down. He thought of how easy it would be to just let himself.... go.
Staring down into the blackness made him lightheaded and he closed his eyes to ease it. He'd been in this shaft before. When his insecurities would get the better of him, he'd come here for isolation. Like when he'd been accused of killing Dr. Apgar and seducing his wife; when he'd lost Soren to the "mind cleaning" her people thought she needed for her depravities.... her love for him. After his nightmare of captivity in the mental hospital on Tilonus IV, or when he'd once again disappointed Captain Picard by keeping him in the dark about the Pegasus experiment.
Sometimes things got to the commander. He wasn't always as strong as everyone thought he was. Even Deanna didn't know how little he thought of himself at times. This was one of those rare times.... only much worse. This time the despondency seemed infinite; like everything was coming to an end. So, like those other times, he came here to hide. To think. To work his way through situations he didn't want to confide to anyone else. Nobody would think to look for him here. When he was in one of these moods, he just needed to get away from everyone.
Will stared down the shaft again. ~I wonder how much it would hurt to hit bottom,~ he pondered. ~It wouldn't, you idiot. You'd be dead instantly,~ was his own reply. He sighed sadly. ~Would that be so terrible?~
************
Deanna got to her feet. Steadying herself against the wall, she got herself under control. She realized breaking down would not help her find Will. Her hands shaking, she put Will's comm badge in her pants pocket, wiped the moisture from her cheeks and tried to think. ~Where would he go?~ She would try the obvious places he frequented first, just in case. Stepping away from the wall she picked up a brisk pace through the corridor, not acknowledging anyone as she brushed passed them. She tried the arboretum, the holodecks and Ten Forward with no luck. As she kept walking, she tried to reach out to him with her mind, but could not sense him. He had become too adept at blocking her. She was on her way to yet another turbolift when she turned a corner and literally ran into Worf.
Worf grabbed Deanna's arms to keep her from falling. He saw her smeared makeup and tracks of tears on her face. "Deanna! What is wrong? Has someone hurt you?" he demanded loudly.
"Oh Worf!" She took hold of Worf's strong forearms and begged with desperate eyes. "You have to help me find Will!"
The security chief's eyes clouded with anger. "Did he hurt you?"
"No! No!" Deanna shook her head. "*He* was the one who was hurt. It's all my fault!"
Hysteria threatened her once again. Worf sighed impatiently and put his hands on her shoulders. "Calm down and explain."
Deanna appreciated the way Worf tried to ground her. "You saw how he's been ever since you and I got together. He was more upset by it than I ever realized. He'd been drinking and we got into an argument." She took a shuddering breath. "He was deeply troubled and he said some things...." She paused and a haunted look came to her eyes. "I think he's going to try...." Her lips quivered and she whispered, "I think he might try to kill himself." She pulled Will's comm badge from her pocket. "He threw this away. Oh Worf! He was in pieces. You have to help me find him!"
~Humans and their irrationality!~ Worf thought. "Yes, I will help you." He thought for a few seconds. "We will look separately and cover more space. I will call a security team to search-" His words stopped when he looked over Deanna's shoulder.
"Worf? What-" Deanna face became confused when she saw Worf roll his eyes heavenward and sigh. He turned her around by her shoulders and she looked up to face the person in question.
"Will!" She threw her arms around him and cried in relief. "Are you all right?" She stepped back and looked him up and down. He was a sight in his dirty, rumpled uniform, mussed hair, and tired face. "Where have you been?" she asked gently. "I've been worried sick."
"I'm sorry." Will stepped out of her embrace and looked at her sheepishly. "I shouldn't have worried you like that." He took a deep breath, let it out and crossed his arms self-consciously. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" He looked to Worf barely able to keep eye contact, as if ashamed. "You too, if you can."
"Of course. Let's go to my quarters." Deanna fed her arm through Will's to keep a hold of him and shot Worf a look that read ~You *will* come!~
Worf swallowed nervously and muttered, "I will be glad to."
*************
The three sat down in Deanna's quarters. Will held a cup of strong hot coffee, feeling the warmth permeate his chilled hands. He'd sobered up a bit before going in search of the woman and counselor whose help he needed. He was feeling deeply guilty and embarrassed. Deanna could sense his emotions easily now and felt she should wait for him to speak first.
He glanced at Worf and Deanna nervously, then looked down into his cup and cleared his throat. "First of all, I'm really sorry for being such a jackass these past few weeks. I had no right or sensible reason to do that. I was just being a selfish, jealous jerk, and I wouldn't be surprised if either of you never wanted to speak to me again." He looked up from his cup into the Klingon's face. "Worf, I've thought some things about you lately that were totally uncalled for. You're a good man. And I let jealous anger ruin our friendship." He seemed to choke up a bit. "I hope you can forgive me. Deanna couldn't have been in better hands."
"I am not without blame, Commander." Worf met Will's eyes with a uncharacteristic humble gaze. "I must admit I let my ego enjoy the fact that I was able to attract Deanna. Especially away from you." He saw the befuddled look in Will's face and Deanna's downcast eyes and continued. "And I let things go on when I saw how it was affecting our working relationship and our friendship. I was wrong to let that happen. I was also negligent in realizing how different Klingon and Betazoid cultures are. It should have been evident long ago that we would not have been compatible." Worf's shoulders slumped and his eyes lowered to his clasped hands. "My behavior was dishonorable and I take full responsibility for how it has changed what we were before."
"You didn't take her away from me, Worf. She wasn't mine to begin with. There was nothing to stop you."
Worf looked seriously at Will, hoping for adequate articulation. "A part of each of you has belonged to the other for many years. Deanna tried to explain the bond of Imzadi you both share. As well as I understand it, I can never hope to compete with something like that; and wouldn't have wanted to try even if we had been able to stay together. So in a way she does belong to you and I hope you do the right thing."
Worf swallowed his unease at the emotional words and continued. "I also hope our friendship can be renewed." The corners of his mouth upturned into what could almost be construed as a smile. "I miss having a worthy opponent for my calisthenics."
Will managed a small smile, remembering how grueling those workouts were. "I think that can be arranged."
Deanna smiled and stood up. She had been getting a little annoyed at being spoken of as property, but understood the motivation and male psyche behind it. She took a hand from each man into hers. "Well, I think this has been quite productive. I also hope you let nothing and no one come between either of you ever again." She brought both their hands together for them to grasp and shake, which they did.
"Worf, I'd like to speak to Will alone now, if you don't mind."
Worf was glad for a reason to leave before the next too-human, sure-to-be overly-emotional scene. Deanna followed him to the door and gave him a silent thanks with a kiss on his cheek. He nodded and walked out.
Deanna demurely walked back and sat slightly apart from Will on the sofa. He placed his coffee cup on the table and didn't look up as his solemn voice told her, "Deanna, about earlier...."
"Wait," she interrupted, placing her hand on his arm until he looked up at her, then released it. "I have to apologize also."
"Why? You didn't do anything. I-"
"Yes, I did," she declared, then continued hesitantly. "I intentionally flaunted my relationship with Worf to get under your skin. I saw how jealous you were and I took advantage of it." She bit her lower lip as a fresh tear rolled down her cheek. "I enjoyed the fact that I could make you jealous, and I paid no regard as to how much it was hurting you. Will, I'm so, so sorry. I know how wrong I was to do that and I'm deeply ashamed."
Will remained silent, looking very sad, not knowing what to say.
"I meant what I said earlier about loving Worf in our own way. But we realized we probably could never have much of a future so we agreed to go back to being friends." Deanna's look was pained, her guilt ran deep. "I knew you still loved me, by the jealousy you showed. I mistakenly thought you would jump at the chance to get together with me."
She reached to take Will's hand, feeling her heart drop when he snatched it away and moved a little further away from her. She wondered how she was ever going to fix this.
Hearing Deanna's confession made Will wonder what he had ever done to make her want to do that to him. He was confused as to how she could claim to love Worf one minute and expect him to welcome her in his arms the next. His face showed his hurt confusion as he quietly listened to her continue.
Deanna seemed to know what he must have been thinking. "Will, you didn't do anything at all. It was all me." Her voice shook slightly. "When Worf and I first started seeing each other I was irritated at your jealousy, but then this adolescent girl inside of me took over and decided to have some fun at your expense. I don't know why I took pleasure in seeing you jealous. Maybe a small part of me was thinking it was getting even for all the girlfriends you've had over the years." She drooped her shoulders and sighed at her own assessment. "I don't know! But I had no idea how *badly* you were affected until I came to see you earlier." She kept her eyes on his face. "I saw how pitiful you were. How sad. I shouldn't have let myself get angry at the things you'd said." She noticed Will close his eyes and cringe slightly. "Instead I should have realized *I* was the root of the problem. I know it wasn't *you* who said those hateful words, it was the alcohol and your pain. So please don't blame yourself for anything. I don't blame you at *all*, Will!"
Will looked at her and could see the tears threatening to fall from her beautiful eyes. He could hear the anguish in her voice and couldn't doubt her sincerity. He couldn't stand to see her cry and her next words almost broke his heart.
"When you ran out of your cabin and I remembered your words and behavior, I thought you were going to do something dreadful. I thought you were going to try to-" Her face twisted in despair and her voice finally broke. "I was *so* scared, Will! I've never been more frightened of anything than the thought of losing you like that. Because of me! I searched everywhere and couldn't find you. I finally ran into Worf and he was going to help me look for you."
"Then suddenly, seeing you standing there," she smiled shakily through her tears, "was such a joyous relief. I thought I'd lost you. But there you were- dirty, mussed up- and the most beautiful person I have ever seen." She shook her head slowly and begged with pleading eyes. "Please let me hold you."
He couldn't stand it anymore. Seeing her tears, her anguish. Knowing how close he had actually come to making her fears come true finally broke the dam. He reached for her as his emotions overflowed in a deep, guttural sob. She held him tightly and her tears flowed with his, soaking in his pain and torment. She rocked him till the sobs became deep shuddering breaths and eventually the breathing of exhausted sleep.
She laid back on the sofa, gently taking him with her. She was not about to leave him alone. She vowed that never again would Will Riker ever feel alone.
******************
Will was still in a sound sleep when Deanna woke the next morning. She stared at him, taking in his pinched features. He was more than just tired, he looked ill. Physically and mentally. Knowing he would be in no shape for duty and that she wanted to start repairing the damage done to him, she gently slid away from him off the sofa, stretched her aching body and went to her computer terminal. She sent a message for the captain stating Will was under the weather and wouldn't be on the bridge that day and that she'd explain it in full later; hoping he would be understanding and not want an explanation before then. Afterwards, she sent Beverly a message telling her she'd be bringing Will to her later that morning for a complete physical. Something he was long overdue for anyway. She then cleared her own schedule for the day.
Deanna went into the bathroom and washed her face, avoiding looking in the mirror, not wanting to see just how puffy her face felt. When she felt alive again, she came back out to the living room, ordered two orange juices from the replicator and sat down next to Will's reclined body. She placed the glasses on the coffee table and tenderly brushed the back of her hand against his cheek.
"Will?"
His only response was a moan and turning his head away from whatever was touching him.
She squeezed his shoulder and gently shook it. "Will, please wake up."
He moaned again, slowly coming to consciousness. "Wiiiiiiiill?" she repeated again, a little louder.
His muddled mind was slow to register the voice near him, but it sunk in and he squinted open his eyes. ~Deanna? What-?~ He tried to shake his head into wakefulness and immediately regretted it when his head exploded in pain. "Ohhh!" he grimaced and held the side of his head.
"Headache?" she asked, without a hint of reproachfulness. She wasn't going to make him feel guilty about his drinking binge.
His eyes were squeezed shut as he carefully nodded his head. Deanna went back to the replicator and used her medical clearance to get a hypo. Will was already remembering some things from the night before when she brought the hypo to his neck. A few seconds after the hiss of the hypo his head began to clear.
"Thanks," he quietly said as he remembered more and more. His face took on a culpable look and he slowly sat up, placing his feet on the floor and his elbows on his knees. He let his head hang down and twisted his neck in all directions to loosen it up. He couldn't quite meet her eyes when he asked, "So, did I make a complete jackass out of myself last night, or what?"
Deanna lifted both glasses of juice and sat down on the coffee table as she handed one to him. "You did no such thing. Drink your juice." She took a drink of hers and watched as Will swallowed a bit of his, only to give a sour look as it hit his stomach. He tried another, but the nausea he experienced made him put the glass back down.
"I feel like shit," he declared and rested back against the sofa, closing his eyes.
"Understandable," Deanna replied. She sensed his guilt and the remnants of a hangover. But knew all his aches weren't because of that.
"Are you always so reasonable in the mornings, or am I getting special treatment?"
"You're getting special treatment." She looked at him with doe eyes, full of her own apprehension. She touched his knee so he'd look at her. "Please, Will. I need to know if you forgive me or not. Do you remember what I said last night?"
"I remember pretty much everything, unfortunately." He lifted his head and ran a hand through his already spiked hair. "I won't say I wasn't hurt by what you did." She looked down in regret. "But you aren't the first woman who's tried to make me jealous and I'll never claim to understand the motivation behind any female's actions." He gave her a tired smile when she lifted her confused eyes. "I forgive you."
She felt a weight being lifted from her heart at his words, breathed in relief and smiled warmly. Yet she could sense and see from his expression that it wasn't all there was. "What is it, Will?"
He was amazed she could read him so easily now, when it seemed she couldn't in recent weeks. But remembered he had shut her out during that time and now felt remorse for that. He felt timid about telling her what had been happening to him recently, but knew he had to do it.
"Deanna, I completely overreacted when I saw that you and Worf were becoming close. It seemed the longer it lasted, the closer you got; the more it ate at me." He leaned forward, clasping his hands together. His eyes were seeing his past actions and they had a frightened look in them. "I don't know why I let it get to me so much. You were right. I did.... do.... love you. A part of me always will," he said hesitantly. "But it's not like I had any claim on you. You were free to see whomever you pleased. But I couldn't see that."
"I just let it eat away at me. Then other things started happening. It wasn't *only* you and Worf that's been getting to me. I began making mistakes, my dad was on my back again. I felt I was failing at everything. Things just kept piling up; I used to be able to handle it all." He shook his head. "But I can't anymore and I don't know why!" He looked at her with desperate eyes. "Last night I said such awful things to you. I don't know *where* all that came from! I was just so *angry* and I wanted to take the pain out on you." His voice had risen and his breathing quickened. He wrapped his arms around his front as if warding off a chill. "And then you got angry and all I could hear was you and the voices, and you were all mad at me. I couldn't take anymore and had to get out of there!"
Deanna had sat there listening intently, letting Will get it out. She was more than a little alarmed by the time she interrupted. "Will, calm down." She got down on her knees in front of him. "Take a deep breath and relax." He did as she soothingly instructed as she wrapped her hands around his. "Whose voices? What did they say?"
Will forced himself to wait a few more seconds to get himself more under control. "The captain's. Mostly my father's. Telling me how disappointed they were. That I was stupid, unprofessional and irresponsible. Worthless." He would have jumped to his feet in frustration if her caressing hands hadn't felt so good. "Deanna, tell me I haven't gone completely nuts!"
Deanna almost groaned at the memory of saying just about the same ridiculing words as Kyle Riker to him the night before. She remembered Will saying that she and his father had the same opinion about him. Oh how she wished she could take those words back. She had failed Will as a counselor when she let her temper take over. As a psychologist, she should have seen this breakdown coming and taken measures to prevent it. Before it was too late.
~Was it too late?~ She refused to grant the notion. ~No! I can make this right. No matter what it takes.~
"No, Will. You are not nuts." Deanna said, determined to keep him talking. "It isn't so far fetched for one to think he's hearing voices when it's actually just past memories vividly coming to mind. And I'm sure some of the things I said didn't help matters any." She saw his rebuke of her self- blame coming and stopped it with a raised hand. "I *am* partially responsible for this, Will. I will not refuse to acknowledge that."
Will knew she wouldn't back down and meekly nodded his acceptance. He knew she felt guilty and she wouldn't feel better until she was able to work through it.
"But please, *please* believe that you are *not* what you described those memories as saying. Anyone on this ship, anyone who knows you at all will tell you those things aren't true." She could see by the look on his face that he couldn't quite believe that, but decided not to press it anymore at that time. They would have plenty of time later to get his self-esteem back up. Deanna was still desperate to know what had happened the night before between his disappearance and reappearance a couple of hours later. "Can you to tell me where you went and what you did when you left last night?"
He'd been waiting for this part to come up. Whether she was his friend or counselor at the moment didn't matter. He wanted to let her know how he felt.
"After I left you, I wasn't in a good state of mind." He cleared his throat nervously. He never was very comfortable talking about himself, but he had been so frightened by his close encounter with self-inflicted demise that he knew he was in big trouble. "I didn't want anyone following me, so I dropped my comm. badge." He looked down at the bare spot on his uniform where the badge should have been and thought to himself how he needed to find it. Deanna released his hands to pull the badge from her pocket and pressed it to his chest. He sighed and smiled his gratitude. He also decided he would rather be standing to stretch his cramped muscles than sitting any longer. He walked to the window and stared out at the stars as he continued.
"There's a place I sometimes go to when I want to think alone. It's a maintenance shaft that parallels the central turbo shaft. Except for the noise of the turbolift, it's quite solitary."
Deanna was surprised that there was something that personal to Will that she didn't know about. She also thought it an odd spot for a person to want to be, but was used to such things with her profession.
"I kept climbing until I was exhausted and planted myself on a ledge." He took a deep breath and released it slowly. And once again wrapped his arms around himself. His palms were sweaty and he wiped them on his upper sleeves. "I remember feeling lower and more dismal than I've ever felt before in my life. And believe me, there's been a few times I've let self- pity get the better of me. But this time it seemed so impossible to deal with." He paused briefly, feeling a cold shudder run through him at the memory. It vanished almost immediately when he felt Deanna's hands running up and down his arms from behind him. He wanted nothing more than to just melt into her warm embrace. But didn't dare.
"For a time, I just couldn't see any future for me here.... or anywhere for that matter. I looked down the shaft and it seemed to go on forever. I wondered how much it would hurt if I...... fell. Then realized it didn't matter because being dead would be a whole lot easier than being alive."
Deanna couldn't stop the eruption of tears upon hearing this and feeling every ounce of his pain. She laid her head against his back and silently sobbed.
"I came so close, Deanna. So damn close." Another deep breath escaped him. "But then I heard another voice."
Deanna lifted her head. "Whose?"
Will turned around to face her. "Your mother's."
This came totally from left field and it took her a moment to be able to get the words out. "M-My mother's?"
Will smiled at her utterly confused look and lifted his hands to her face, using his thumbs to wipe the wetness from under her eyes. "I had that same reaction." He allowed himself the luxury of holding her face a moment longer before letting go.
"I have no idea if it was real or not, but she started harping on me about how ridiculous I was being. That whatever she may have thought of me when I was chasing you around Betazed had been proven wrong by my dedication to you as a friend since then. She said that our Imzadi bond was still as strong as ever and that when you and I both outgrew our selfish desires concerning our careers and chasing other people around that we'd see that. She also threw in something insolent about how long it was taking and that she wanted grandchildren before she died of old age."
Will's face screwed up in puzzlement. "It was like she was right there in my head. I could just picture her standing there with some extremely loud, god-awful dress waving her arms to emphasize her point. Then she told me that there was obviously other things troubling me and that I should find you and work it all out. It was so weird." Will chuckled dryly and shrugged. "But it got me thinking. And I realized that I had let things get way out of control. That as long as I couldn't commit fully to you, then you had no reason to commit to me. But that someday it *could* happen. When we're both ready."
Deanna smiled tremulously. "It just might." She had been so shocked hearing the clarity of her mother's words. They sounded just like her. She had to wonder if it was just in Will's head, his own imagination. Or had her mother somehow been able to feel Will's turmoil and been able to cast her thoughts to him over such a long distance. She didn't think it possible. Will wasn't a telepath and couldn't possibly have received anything from her. Even so, she was grateful her Imzadi was here with her now, safe and sound.
"Will, you'll never know how terrified I was not knowing where you were last night. I was so afraid you'd succeed in what you wanted to do, and that I had such a big part in it." The tears started again. "I couldn't have lived with myself if that had happened. I love you, Imzadi. And I am so sorry!"
Will pulled her to him and wrapped his entire soul around her. "Shhh. It wasn't just you. I know now that many things have contributed to my actions lately. And *I'm* sorry for frightening you. I wasn't thinking right and hurting you is the last thing I want to do."
Deanna nodded. "I know." She sniffled and pressed her face into his shoulder. "We'll work through this." It felt so good for him to hold her like this. She missed it so much. It also verified what her eyes had finally noticed that morning, that he'd lost weight.
"We better, or the captain's gonna bust me down to ensign." He suddenly panicked, looking around for a chronometer. "Shit! What time is it? I have bridge duty this morning!"
"Relax. I called you off. You're in no shape for work today."
"You did?" Will got a little angry. "Deanna, I'm in enough trouble as it is with him! I can't afford-"
Deanna grabbed him tightly. "Let me handle the captain. He'll understand. I think he'd rather have a healthy first officer than a ragged half first officer."
"But-"
"Captain Picard knows first hand that sometimes people need to take time to readjust themselves. I'm his counselor, too. Remember?"
Will sighed, backing down. He did know that the captain spent time with Deanna on a regular basis. And that he had desperately needed her help after his time in captivity with the Borg and then the Cardassians. He just hated having the Captain think he wasn't fit for duty.
"It will be okay," Deanna reassured him. "We're already off to a good start." She patted his arms. "And now, we're both going to get cleaned up and then I'm taking you to see Dr. Crusher for a physical."
"A physical? Why?" He balked at the thought of a major check-up. He'd been to Dr. Crusher for headaches lately, but that was all. And then he wouldn't really let her examine him, just give him relief.
"Because you need one," she stated simply with a smile. "Consider it Counselor's orders." She already suspected what she thought was a major part of his problem. Depression. But he needed to be tested by a doctor to verify. She also thought the 'voices' Will had heard were really just memories. She didn't think Will was prone to that type of delusional behavior. "Now go to your quarters and take a nice hot shower and come back here when you're finished. I'm sure you remember how to let yourself in."
It had been a while since he'd felt free to let himself into her cabin, but remembered the access code. He walked to the door, muttering, "All right. But I don't have to like it."
"Well, some things never change," she said to herself and headed towards her bathroom.
An hour later he returned, his hair still damp but combed neatly, and looking much better in a clean, pressed uniform. Deanna was putting dishes from a quick breakfast back into the replicator. She doubted he'd gotten himself anything to eat, so she asked. "Do you want any breakfast?"
"No. I just want to get this over with," he grumbled with the impatience of a child.
She sighed, wondering again when he'd eaten a decent meal last. "Okay. But please promise me you'll eat something afterwards?"
"I'll try," he said somberly, noting her worried look and feeling bad for it. "I promise." She acquiesced with a smile and took his hand.
When they got to Sickbay, Beverly was already setting things up for them. "Ah, you're here. Good." She was more than happy to comply with Deanna's message that morning. She had been worried herself about the commander, but could do nothing about it until he either volunteered for a check-up or was forced into it. She had a feeling he was being pushed into it by his expression and hid her smile. She ordered Will up onto the table and said she'd be right back as she pulled Deanna into her office.
Professional to professional, Deanna told Beverly what she knew about Will's condition and what she suspected. Beverly tsk'd, shaking her head, wondering why the man let himself go for so long. After promising to fill the doctor in on more personal things later on, Deanna waited in the office while Beverly went out to put the commander through her paces.
A little later when the diagnosis and prognosis were presented to Will, he was too ashamed to look at either woman. ~Depression. Great! I am a mental case.~
Deanna sensed this and lifted his chin to look him in the eye. "Will, depression is a *medical* problem. Biological in nature. A chemical imbalance that can be treated with medication. It's possible one of your parents suffered from it also, since it can be hereditary. It probably surfaced due to sudden emotional upheaval." Her eyes saddened. "Namely me and my actions of late."
Will stared into her dark eyes, trying to understand. He remembered his father's dark moods from when he was a boy and saw some similarities. The memories of his father's anger lashing out at him, his own self-esteem issues; and most of all, his Imzadi blaming herself was too much. He struggled for breath and pulled Deanna to him, burying his face in her hair as he tried unsuccessfully not to cry.
"No. Not just you," his voice broke. "Too many other things. Not you."
Deanna held him. "You're right. Too many things. But we'll fix it. Together."
Beverly's eyes misted. She hoped this was the start for her two best friends to shorten the rift that had spanned between them for too long. ~They belong together.~ She thought. It made her think of her own questionable relationship with Jean Luc. ~Was it ever going to lead anywhere?~
After giving them a moment, she cleared her throat so she could start her treatment on Will. Holding up a hypo she explained, "This is an inhibitor for the chemical imbalance in your brain. Once we know this is doing the trick you can give it to yourself on a daily basis. Until then, you'll come here to get it. *Everyday* Commander!"
"For how long?" he asked, getting himself pulled together.
"For as long as you need it. Could be weeks, months maybe. Every person is different." She administered the shot and got another one ready. "*This* is a vitamin supplement. Your diet of alcohol is going to stop!" she said sternly. "You will also get one of these daily until I say otherwise. And starting today, you will start eating three square meals a day. The reason you feel sick is because of malnourishment. Eating, instead of drinking, your meals will make a world of difference. Understood?"
"I just haven't felt like eating." He sighed.
"I know," the doctor said soothingly, rubbing his shoulder. "But with the medication, you should start feeling better." She gave him the vitamin supplement. "And as for your duties, I'm ordering you off-duty for a week."
"A week!"
"Yes, a week. You need the rest." Beverly winked at Deanna. "You either spend the next seven days sleeping and vacationing on the holodeck with the counselor, or you can spend it here in sickbay with me!"
Deanna laughed at the double meaning she could tell Will was thinking through. ~Was that sleep with the counselor? Or vacation with the counselor? Or both?~
TBC