CHAPTER 4:
REGRET
SQUALL
The girl turned around. I was petrified! She wasn't who I expect her to be. I guess the girl saw how surprised I was. I finally blurted,
"Sorry, I thought your'e someone else."
Then I went straight outside the bar away from those annoying people. Who am I kidding. I'll never see her here..... She hates bars. I decided I need some fresh air. And so, I didn't went straight to my dorm. I went to the secret area to think... I don't know what's wrong with me. As usual, there a couples here who are making out. They seems so happy, happy that they are with their loved ones.... For some reasons. I envy them. (But why??? It's not like I have anything to ask for.........)
It's been exaclty 3 weeks since I last saw her. Nobody told me where is she, or what's her condition... that's because I never dare to ask anybody... (I guess I'm just afraid that they mght see through me...) For them, I don't need anybody.. And that's just the side I'm gonna show them....
But I'm wondering... since she left or disappeared... I changed... I used to have all the fun when wer'e together.. But not with her.. with other things.. That's why I can safely say that I don't need her.. But why like this???? She's not here and I wasn't suppose to be affected..but the truth is.. I wasn't having fun at all....
I guess its a good idea to accept it... even just to myself..... things has changed when she dissappeared.............
My days are so dull, I wake up for no meaning, my life is completely boring, and I see her wherever I turn! Everyday I just hope that things will get back to normal, like when my alarm rings in the morning, it will automatically followed by Rinoa opening the curtains allowing the sun to shine in my face. Then she's gonna ask me to go somewhere.. Sometimes, I'm gonna go with her anyway.. but most of the time I will refuse but it will just lead to arguments which really piss me off so early in the morning.... But now, it doesn't look so bad anymore..... (atleast I get to see her, still) But now, I don't even get to hear her voice.
I remember our first days together since we become a couple. We were so romantic and all mushy. We used to sneak out of our dorms late at night just to see each other in this secret area. We use to be one of these couples who are making out here on lights out sessions. And how could I forget the times she treats me like a baby when I went home awfully sick from a mission. Damn.. I feel like I'm in heaven! She was so thoughtful.... I always like the feeling of being treated like a king. (I guess I'm lucky to have someone like her to take care of me...) A lot of people has given up on me.. they think I'm being so cold. That's why, they didn't even bother to pay attention to me. But Rinoa.. she didn't gave up on me even I use to ignore her a lot. I guess that's what I like from her. She changed me...
But lately, I treat her like shit! I want to feel that I don't need her. It's not that I don't really need her... I'm just afraid.. afraid of needing her too much.. of loving her too much. The truth is, I love her so much! But would't show it..wouldn't accept it, even to myself. But I guess there's no more point in hiding it from myself. I love her, and that's the truth. But like I said, Im scared... That I might need her too much.. like Ellone. All my life,I rely on Ellone. but then, she dissappeared. And what do I have left?? NOTHING! My world completely shattered! I was lonely for the longest time. I waited for her, but she never came back. Then I finally give up.For years, I wasn't able to move on. People treat me like a snob. I guess I am. I try me best to avoid all the people around me. I became anti-social. But they don't know what I've been through!
It hurts like HELL!!! To rely on someone so much! Only to find out that she's gonna leave you in the end. Nothing lasts in this world.. A lot of times, I asked myself, what's the point of loving someone. To build your world around her and to make her the center of your universe, but in the end, she's gonna be taken away from you.
That's what I'm trying to avoid all these years. I don't think I can recover when something like that happens again to me. What if Rinoa just leave me all alone in the end?! I never want to go through that again! That's why so many times I just try to be harsh on her. To avoid being hurt even it means hurting someone, someone whom I loved very much. I never want to give her the pleasure of seeing me destroyed, and crying. I guess what I'm trying to do is beat her from doing that to me. And so I did. I successfully did! But was I happy????
The answer is NO....
I'm still alone and lonely as ever. I was thinking of making her suffer in exchange for the pain my 'sis' cost me. That no more person is gonna treat me like that. So I want her to suffer before me. I always wanted to know that someone needs me the way I needed Ellone before. And so I acted like such an asshole. Thinking that its helping me get my victory and revenge at the same time. But my plan back-fired.. I was still very unhappy. .
A lot of people looks highly at me. They look at me as a Lionheart. But the truth is.. I'm coward. I never want to risk my feelings only to find out that I lost in the end.
I lost Rinoa, the only person that I really learned to love.I was a fool. Just like what Nida said. That's because my stupid pride took over my heart. So now, I'm left with nothing again.
I can't go on like this. I can't just stare at nowhere and think what I just have then lost. I took for granted the time she was with me. And now, she's gone... not because she decided to go, not because she has to go... its because I sent her away. Now, I'm full of regret. My heart can't forgive me.
I realized that I need her, still....... And knowing that I'm just gonna lose her later is a lot better than not have her at all. I just have to risk everything for her. Even it means getting hurt again. I realized that its impossible to avoid hurt. The least you can do is to fight it and be strong... but what I'm doing is the exact opposite. That's why my life has no meaning.. Not this time. I decided that I'm gonna fight for her.
I'm gonna take her back....
No matter what...
If only she'll give me a chance...
--------------
How?????
-------------
Chapter 5 is up! So don't worry.
Sorry if this chapter is short and just full of crap Squall thought. I designed this Chapter as what Squall is hiding all along, to clear some things that Squall is thinking. The reasons why he's so cold and annoying in the first chapters.
But anyway..... I appreciate all your reviews.This is just my first fic. And I never really expected reviews coz usually, first timers sucked! (not all) So just keep those reviews coming. It inspires me to write a better fic. Thanx!!!
R/R!!!
REGRET
SQUALL
The girl turned around. I was petrified! She wasn't who I expect her to be. I guess the girl saw how surprised I was. I finally blurted,
"Sorry, I thought your'e someone else."
Then I went straight outside the bar away from those annoying people. Who am I kidding. I'll never see her here..... She hates bars. I decided I need some fresh air. And so, I didn't went straight to my dorm. I went to the secret area to think... I don't know what's wrong with me. As usual, there a couples here who are making out. They seems so happy, happy that they are with their loved ones.... For some reasons. I envy them. (But why??? It's not like I have anything to ask for.........)
It's been exaclty 3 weeks since I last saw her. Nobody told me where is she, or what's her condition... that's because I never dare to ask anybody... (I guess I'm just afraid that they mght see through me...) For them, I don't need anybody.. And that's just the side I'm gonna show them....
But I'm wondering... since she left or disappeared... I changed... I used to have all the fun when wer'e together.. But not with her.. with other things.. That's why I can safely say that I don't need her.. But why like this???? She's not here and I wasn't suppose to be affected..but the truth is.. I wasn't having fun at all....
I guess its a good idea to accept it... even just to myself..... things has changed when she dissappeared.............
My days are so dull, I wake up for no meaning, my life is completely boring, and I see her wherever I turn! Everyday I just hope that things will get back to normal, like when my alarm rings in the morning, it will automatically followed by Rinoa opening the curtains allowing the sun to shine in my face. Then she's gonna ask me to go somewhere.. Sometimes, I'm gonna go with her anyway.. but most of the time I will refuse but it will just lead to arguments which really piss me off so early in the morning.... But now, it doesn't look so bad anymore..... (atleast I get to see her, still) But now, I don't even get to hear her voice.
I remember our first days together since we become a couple. We were so romantic and all mushy. We used to sneak out of our dorms late at night just to see each other in this secret area. We use to be one of these couples who are making out here on lights out sessions. And how could I forget the times she treats me like a baby when I went home awfully sick from a mission. Damn.. I feel like I'm in heaven! She was so thoughtful.... I always like the feeling of being treated like a king. (I guess I'm lucky to have someone like her to take care of me...) A lot of people has given up on me.. they think I'm being so cold. That's why, they didn't even bother to pay attention to me. But Rinoa.. she didn't gave up on me even I use to ignore her a lot. I guess that's what I like from her. She changed me...
But lately, I treat her like shit! I want to feel that I don't need her. It's not that I don't really need her... I'm just afraid.. afraid of needing her too much.. of loving her too much. The truth is, I love her so much! But would't show it..wouldn't accept it, even to myself. But I guess there's no more point in hiding it from myself. I love her, and that's the truth. But like I said, Im scared... That I might need her too much.. like Ellone. All my life,I rely on Ellone. but then, she dissappeared. And what do I have left?? NOTHING! My world completely shattered! I was lonely for the longest time. I waited for her, but she never came back. Then I finally give up.For years, I wasn't able to move on. People treat me like a snob. I guess I am. I try me best to avoid all the people around me. I became anti-social. But they don't know what I've been through!
It hurts like HELL!!! To rely on someone so much! Only to find out that she's gonna leave you in the end. Nothing lasts in this world.. A lot of times, I asked myself, what's the point of loving someone. To build your world around her and to make her the center of your universe, but in the end, she's gonna be taken away from you.
That's what I'm trying to avoid all these years. I don't think I can recover when something like that happens again to me. What if Rinoa just leave me all alone in the end?! I never want to go through that again! That's why so many times I just try to be harsh on her. To avoid being hurt even it means hurting someone, someone whom I loved very much. I never want to give her the pleasure of seeing me destroyed, and crying. I guess what I'm trying to do is beat her from doing that to me. And so I did. I successfully did! But was I happy????
The answer is NO....
I'm still alone and lonely as ever. I was thinking of making her suffer in exchange for the pain my 'sis' cost me. That no more person is gonna treat me like that. So I want her to suffer before me. I always wanted to know that someone needs me the way I needed Ellone before. And so I acted like such an asshole. Thinking that its helping me get my victory and revenge at the same time. But my plan back-fired.. I was still very unhappy. .
A lot of people looks highly at me. They look at me as a Lionheart. But the truth is.. I'm coward. I never want to risk my feelings only to find out that I lost in the end.
I lost Rinoa, the only person that I really learned to love.I was a fool. Just like what Nida said. That's because my stupid pride took over my heart. So now, I'm left with nothing again.
I can't go on like this. I can't just stare at nowhere and think what I just have then lost. I took for granted the time she was with me. And now, she's gone... not because she decided to go, not because she has to go... its because I sent her away. Now, I'm full of regret. My heart can't forgive me.
I realized that I need her, still....... And knowing that I'm just gonna lose her later is a lot better than not have her at all. I just have to risk everything for her. Even it means getting hurt again. I realized that its impossible to avoid hurt. The least you can do is to fight it and be strong... but what I'm doing is the exact opposite. That's why my life has no meaning.. Not this time. I decided that I'm gonna fight for her.
I'm gonna take her back....
No matter what...
If only she'll give me a chance...
--------------
How?????
-------------
Chapter 5 is up! So don't worry.
Sorry if this chapter is short and just full of crap Squall thought. I designed this Chapter as what Squall is hiding all along, to clear some things that Squall is thinking. The reasons why he's so cold and annoying in the first chapters.
But anyway..... I appreciate all your reviews.This is just my first fic. And I never really expected reviews coz usually, first timers sucked! (not all) So just keep those reviews coming. It inspires me to write a better fic. Thanx!!!
R/R!!!