I was so excited to start posting this story that I forgot I made a graphic to go with the first chapter! I went back and added it to the first chapter of this story on AO3. Go check it out!
Chapter 5: Natasha's Mission
Tony left the hospital on Monday, two weeks to the day after Steve's death. Natasha didn't have a shift at work, so she decided to pay him another visit. The relief to be out of the hospital was immediately evident on his face. "How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Like my ribcage was recently busted open, but it was to make room for some really cool tech so it's okay."
"You still on the good stuff?"
"Hell no."
"No?"
"I don't want them. Make my head all fuzzy." He gestured vaguely.
"If you say so." Natasha didn't mention that she, too, had been offered similar prescriptions and declined. "So, is the ticker still working?"
"I haven't died yet, so…probably."
"But you already knew that."
He pursed his lips and tilted his head thoughtfully. "I put a lot into this. Yeah, I was confident it would work. Otherwise I wouldn't have let them put it in me."
"You really are a genius," she commended.
"I've always been more comfortable relying on myself to get things done. Waiting on a donor heart that I knew would only last a decade…not really my style." He fell silent, probably noticing the dismal ways that phrase related to their recent loss the same way that Natasha was. Neither of them knew quite what to say after that. She decided to change the subject.
"Have your parents been waiting on you hand and foot?"
"Definitely. I could barely convince Mom to leave me alone long enough for you to come over. She's grocery shopping. I may or may not have put a cereal on the list that you can only get in Canada to buy us some time."
"Devious."
"You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes."
"Has anyone else stopped by to visit?"
"I've only been home a few hours, so not yet. Harley might come by tomorrow or the day after. Bruce I told to just call me because every time I see him away from Betty I'm afraid he's going to shake apart at the seams."
"The baby's due a week from today. It could happen any second."
"Yeah. He's got bigger things to worry about than me."
"What about Parker?"
"Probably not, unless it's a surprise visit," he said wryly.
"He hasn't come by?"
"No."
Natasha figured it would be difficult for a parent of a newborn to leave the house for long, but she thought Parker would have at least managed an hour or two to see Tony. "Has he at least called or texted?"
He bit his lip. "No."
"Wait, what?"
"I haven't heard from him since the funeral."
"What do you mean you haven't heard from him?"
Tony shrugged, then winced. "He hasn't asked how I'm doing or anything. I figured he's just busy with the baby and everything."
Natasha could tell from the slope of his shoulders and the hint of self-deprecation in his voice that he'd just lied to her face. She knew two things: one, that Tony would never be this nonchalant about one of his best friends ignoring him when he just had major heart surgery, and two, that there was no way Parker would ignore Tony when he just had major heart surgery—no matter how busy he was. Unless there was something deeper going on.
"You gonna tell me the truth?" she asked knowingly.
"Fucking superspy, is what you are," he mumbled. Natasha waited. Tony met her eyes with a hint of a challenge in his gaze, but quickly backed down. He spoke so quickly and quietly that she almost couldn't make it out. "I think he might be mad that this whole thing happened in the first place."
"This whole thing meaning…?"
"The surgery."
"Why would he be mad that you had life-saving surgery, with a device that you designed to help you and countless other people?"
He hesitated for so long that Natasha thought he'd shut down completely. With a sigh so massive it must've hurt his barely-healed incision, he blurted out, "Because I couldn't save the person who really mattered to him."
Oh. So that's where the dog was buried. Natasha should have suspected that Tony would find some convoluted way to blame himself for Steve's death. But she never expected it would go so far that he would resign himself to his best friend turning his back on him because he thought he deserved it. Then again, they were in unprecedented territory here. Never before had a death in the Avengers family coincided with so many other life-changing events. Natasha wished she'd seen the signs earlier, but the best she could do now was try and repair the holes in the boat before anybody sank and drowned. And the first step in doing so was to reaffirm that he did save someone important.
"Tony, you really matter to him."
He shook his head. "I'm not Steve."
"You're right, you're not Steve. But nobody could ever be Steve. Nobody wants you to be Steve. We love you because you're Tony."
"And Tony, if he had any sense of decency, would have at least tried to do something."
"Nobody expected that of you. You're not a doctor."
"I just know that if I'd given it more than a second thought I could've figured something out. Not a cure, but maybe a stepping stone."
"And maybe you could have. But you know what? So could Bruce. Or Parker. Or Steve, if that's something he wanted. If any of us wanted you to work on that instead of your VAD, we would have told you. We all knew how important it was to you, how many lives you were going to save," she explained. "You shouldn't beat yourself up for accomplishing something so amazing."
Tony appeared on the verge of tears. "You're sure?"
"Positive. We value you as a friend more than anything, especially more than your inventing capabilities. But if helping lung transplant patients is something you want, I'm sure if you did the research you could make a breakthrough or two in…a few days," she said with a chuckle. Tony was a notoriously fast learner. "And I bet Steve would be really happy that you're helping other people like him."
"That's what he was all about," Tony said wistfully.
"Yeah."
"So why hasn't Parker talked to me?"
"That I don't know, and frankly it scares me. I think I just might swing by Queens and find out."
~0~
Natasha made good on her promise and texted MJ to ask if she could come visit the baby before work on Tuesday morning. With a confirmed invitation for nine thirty in the morning, she set out for the Weaver residence with a mission on her mind. After asking about the visit, she'd asked MJ how Parker was doing, to which she'd responded, "He's struggling." Natasha smelled an understatement. She stopped by two stores on the way to pick up some specific packages that she hoped would help her with the task at hand.
She arrived at an apartment that probably looked like most new-parent residences. Towels and baby clothes in various states of uncleanliness were strewn on the backs of chairs and unwashed bottles filled the sink. With a clench of her heart, she recognized the same brand of baby bottle sanitizer that Steve used to use for nebulizer pieces. They must've asked for his recommendation. She stowed one of the packages in the fridge and left the kitchen, not wanting to stare at it anymore.
"Thank you so much for coming," MJ said earnestly. She'd answered the door alone, so Natasha surmised Parker was in the nursery with the baby. "I keep trying to talk to him, but something always comes up and I'm getting really worried."
"It's my pleasure. I can't imagine what you two are going through."
"I'll be right back."
MJ returned from the nursery with Carol May, Parker trailing just behind. Natasha instantly knew something was wrong. His eyes were red-rimmed beyond mere new parent sleeplessness and he'd lost just enough weight for her keen eye to notice. He opened his mouth, presumably to greet her, but all that escaped his lips was a barely audible, "Hi."
His hesitance to communicate verbally triggered a reflex to use ASL; whenever Clint was overstimulated, his voice fell off almost exactly like that. She brought a hand to her chin to ask, "What's wrong," before she remembered Parker didn't speak that language. Instead, she asked in English, "Parker, do you need help?"
MJ silently mouthed, "Probably," but Parker just started at her, his eyes shining.
"Tony's worried about you," she said calmly.
Parker's eyes widened frantically. She and MJ exchanged a knowing glance, after which MJ took Carol May into the kitchen and left Natasha to talk to Parker. "Let's sit down, okay?"
He nodded, but didn't move. Natasha took his hand and gently guided him to the sofa. Already, his entire frame trembled violently. She laid a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay."
He shook his head.
"No, it is. Trust me, Parker, it's going to be okay." Her other hand drifted to the arrow charm around her neck. They'd all been through this once before—some of them twice, or even more—and they were still here. If anybody knew how to persevere in the face of impossible grief, it was Parker. This time he just needed a little push. Natasha hoped she'd find the right words to get him on the right track, but if she couldn't she was prepared to take this to whoever could.
Instead of responding, he slumped forward and wrapped his arms around her. Natasha accepted the embrace and started whispering reassurances in his ear in every language she knew. "It's too much," he told her.
"All those big emotions pushed the words out, huh?"
"Uh-huh."
"I'm so sorry. Have you talked to your parents?"
"A little." He paused for a deep breath. "Didn't wanna worry them."
Oh Parker. Bottling things up was never healthy. Natasha cast her mind back to the last time Parker lost his voice, and what helped him regain it. It was Carol, making him feel safe enough to speak again. So much had changed about his life in so short a time that he lost all sense of security. He just needed to find it again.
Natasha gently eased Parker off of her and fetched the package from where she'd left it by the front door. She handed the bag to him and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What's this?"
"Consider it an early birthday present."
He pulled the box out, revealing a LEGO R2D2. Natasha instantly recognized the spark of genuine joy that ignited in his eyes. Without further ado, she announced, "We're building this thing, and you're gonna talk." Parker nodded hesitantly. She tried not to let it show on her face, but for an instant Natasha questioned whether this plan would even work. Hopefully, engaging in such a predictable, familiar activity would help him find that security and calmness. It had worked with many of her patients before. The hospital kept a well-stocked LEGO drawer for this very purpose.
Natasha tore open the box and handed Parker the first instruction booklet and bag of pieces. They laid the booklet open between them and dumped out the first round of pieces. She let him do most of the assembling while she focused on the more annoying, tedious job of finding the required piece among all the others. "So, can you tell me why you haven't talked to Tony?"
"I can barely talk," he answered. Natasha hid a grin as she heard more confidence in his voice. He was focused on the instructions and the pieces, not the big emotions that had rendered him speechless.
"What about a text?"
His hands continued to work, but he couldn't find the words to answer her question. At least not immediately. After a few more pieces had been added to the creation, he admitted, "I haven't touched my phone in a week."
"Why?"
"I opened my last text thread with Steve. On accident. Couldn't face it again."
"Oh Parker, I'm so sorry. What if I get enough people to text you new messages that it bumps that one down to the bottom? So you don't have to look at it unless you want to and you choose to scroll to it?"
He shrugged. "Maybe."
"Okay." Natasha reminded herself to do just that. "I know you guys must be so busy taking care of Carol May, but you're taking care of yourselves too, right? Eating and showering and sleeping at least a little bit?"
"I showered yesterday. Slept maybe two or three hours," he replied.
"And eating?"
He shook his head glumly.
"Why not?"
"It all tastes wrong."
"Everything?"
"Everything but chocolate milk."
"If I give you something, will you try it?"
"Sure."
Natasha fetched the cup from the fridge and stuck the straw in the top before giving it to Parker. "It's a smoothie. Lots of nutrients."
"It's green," he remarked.
"Yes. But I promise it doesn't taste green."
Parker took a cautious sip. His face didn't immediately twist in disgust, which Natasha took as a good sign. Happy used to bring her this kind of smoothie from the hospital's cafeteria when her tastebuds hated everything else and her nausea acted up. Bucky also swore by them. As Parker continued to build, Natasha nudged the smoothie towards him every so often to encourage him to keep at it. By the time the first dozen pages of the instruction booklet had been completed, the smoothie was gone.
"Wow. That really worked. Are you some kind of wizard?" he asked her.
"No. I just know you. I know you're crazy busy, but you should set aside at least two half-hour chunks a day to sit down and work on this project and eat, okay?"
"I think I can do that. MJ and I will switch off."
"Good. I can also send you the recipe for that smoothie. Make a triple or quadruple batch and stick the rest in the fridge for later."
Natasha wished she could stay longer, but her phone told her she needed to leave for work in less than fifteen minutes. "Don't be afraid to ask for help. Your parents are more than capable of helping out with the baby for a few hours on the weekends, okay? And I'm around on my days off."
"Okay."
"And please check in on Tony." She refrained from telling Parker that Tony had convinced himself he didn't care because she knew he'd feel guilty and that was about the last thing he needed right now.
"I will."
"You got this, Parker."
"Thanks."
"I can't wait to see this little robot guy when he's finished," she added.
"He's a droid, not a robot."
"What's the difference?"
"Get out of my house."
Natasha grinned. "Okay, okay. I'm leaving. Have a good rest of your day."
"You too."
She headed for the door, but before she got too far, Parker told her to wait. "Steve would be really proud of you, you know."
"Thanks Parker. He'd be proud of you too. This isn't easy."
"I know. Thanks. Bye."
"Bye."
Natasha walked into work with thank-you texts from MJ, Parker, and Tony. She knew Steve would be proud, but it still felt good to hear directly from the people she helped.