Chapter 9: Born on the Fourth of July

Bucky stood in the park, surrounded by kids running and shouting with delight. He recognized this as the park he and Steve had frequented when they were little. Sure enough, a familiar voice called out to him, "Come on, Bucky!"

He glanced over and saw Steve, at about six years old, beckoning him towards the open field beside the playground. With a grin, Bucky tore off after him. Bucky had always been way taller than Steve, his legs way longer, so he could have caught up if he wanted to, but he always let Steve keep the lead by a little bit.

This time, however, he couldn't catch up even when he tried to run faster than Steve. Bucky frowned. He'd always been able to catch up once he decided to. Maybe he was just tired, or Steve was feeling extra good today and could run faster. Content to continue their chase, Bucky kept running.

Suddenly, Steve stopped and pointed at something in the distance. Bucky still couldn't catch up. It was like he hit an invisible wall six feet behind his friend. He followed Steve's finger and saw he was pointing at the fluffiest golden retriever Bucky had ever seen. "Bucky, look!" Steve repeated, pointing even harder.

"I see. That's a cute dog," Bucky remarked. He didn't like when Steve looked longingly at dogs. Though he didn't understand exactly why, Mommy and Mrs. Rogers said it was very dangerous for Steve to go near them and he always seemed sad when other people got to pet dogs and he didn't. "Let's go run somewhere else," he suggested, but it was like Steve couldn't even hear him.

Bucky, still stuck behind the invisible wall separating him from Steve, could do nothing but watch as his friend took off running towards the dog. The dog perked its head up and stuck out its tongue as Steve barreled towards it. "Steve, no!" Bucky called, but he still couldn't hear him. He wrapped his arms around the dog and buried his face in its fur.

Bucky struggled forward, but he couldn't move from this spot. He could do nothing but watch as Steve let out a gasp and fell to the ground. The dog barked alarmingly and started licking at Steve's face but that would only make it worse! Bucky called out for help, but there were no adults anywhere around, nobody who could help Steve. He kicked and screamed, but some force kept him firmly rooted to the ground.

Steve's gasps turned wheezy, and his face turned blue. The dog ran over to Bucky and tried to shove him towards Steve, but Bucky still couldn't move no matter how much he wanted to. A sharp bark pierced the air and then a searing pain erupted in his arm. The dog had bitten down on his left hand to try and drag him towards Steve. Even that did nothing to close the distance between them.

"I'm sorry!" Bucky screamed. "I want to help you, but I can't! I don't know why, but I can't!"

Steve stopped gasping and lay still on the grass.

Bucky's eyelids shot open. Breathing heavily, he reached across the bed only to find it empty. He rolled over and clamped his eyes shut again so he wouldn't have to look at the vacant space. Almost every night since Josiah stopped staying over, he'd had some twisted nightmare like that one. Sometimes they woke him up in the wee hours of the morning and he couldn't go back to sleep. Those nights, he walked laps around the house or just sat on the sofa staring off into space until daylight.

This time, he'd managed to stay asleep until six thirty, so he decided to just start his day. He trudged into the bathroom. Bucky hadn't shaved since Steve died, and his beard was as thick as it had ever been. They used to shave together, side by side at the double sink in their bathroom. Once Steve could no longer do it himself, Bucky hated standing there with no reflection in the mirror but his own. He only kept at it because Steve hated his beard and complained about it relentlessly. Now, he didn't have any motivation to shave, so he just let it keep growing.

Bucky liked that it made him look different. He didn't feel like the same person anymore, so he saw no reason to look outwardly the same. By hiding part of his face, he felt like he hid some of the rampant emotions that constantly radiated from him. Bucky knew that wasn't actually possible, but he figured he was entitled to take solace in trivial things like that, even if they didn't actually make a difference.

He'd spent all of yesterday preparing the house for company by cleaning the bathroom, dusting every surface in the house, vacuuming, and washing utensils for Monica. Without another CFer living in the house, the contamination risk wasn't as high, but Bucky had done this every year for five years and didn't feel like breaking the habit. Nick wouldn't be here for a few more hours, but he'd already done all the chores that needed to be done. He should have saved them for today. Goddammit, he should have saved them for today because Steve turned twenty-eight today and Bucky had no way to wish him a happy birthday.

He whispered those words to the empty side of the bed, which only led to him crying and clutching Steve's pillow for half an hour. What was the point of celebrating if the person they were celebrating wasn't even here? Bucky had been to exactly zero birthday parties that didn't include the guest of honor.

He heard a scratching at the door accompanied by a distressed meow. Shit, he almost missed Alpine's breakfast time. Bucky dragged himself out of bed and opened the door, only to almost trip over the cat where he'd been sitting just outside. "Sorry, buddy. Today's going to be a rough day," he explained. "At least until Nick gets here."

Bucky hoped having another person in the house would help offset this aching emptiness. As he poured out Alpine's food and the cat came running, however, he realized that having Nick and Alpine in the house might spell disaster. The cat was constantly roaming, and Nick might trip over him. Now Bucky had a problem to solve.

He could just lock Alpine up in a room, but he'd tried that exactly once and had to stop because Alpine was scratching the door to hell begging to be let out. Bucky didn't want his beloved cat in distress. Alternatively, he could do nothing and hope the people around him would warn Nick if he was about to step on the cat. But that wouldn't do. As a fellow disabled person, he understood the hatred of relying on other people for things you could absolutely do yourself, if only with a little adjustment and accommodation. He just needed a way for Alpine to be detectable by something other than sight.

Hearing was the next logical sense to exploit. Bucky couldn't believe he didn't think of this sooner. People put bells on cats all the time to help keep track of where they were and prevent them from hunting birds. Alpine's three-legged gait would ensure the bell jingled with every step he took. Bucky ran straight to Alpine's small pile of cat toys. One of them had a bell attached. Alpine rarely played with this one, so he didn't feel too bad about ripping the bell off. It came away easily—probably because the toy was so cheap. Once he had the bell, Bucky took off Alpine's collar. The cat was so busy following whatever Bucky was doing that he hadn't yet touched his breakfast. Bucky took a loop of string and attached the bell to the collar, then put it back on Alpine. Sure enough, his every little hop-step made the bell jingle. Success.

Bucky watched Alpine walk around, confused as to why he now made noise. He still hadn't touched his breakfast. "Come on buddy, time to eat," Bucky urged. Alpine stopped walking and just stared at him. "What's wrong?" The cat meowed insistently. Bucky didn't feel like arguing with him, so he just left the food and decided that Alpine would either eat it or he didn't. He sat down on the couch, and Alpine immediately hopped up onto his lap, curling up and demanding to be pet.

"You know what, you've got the right idea," Bucky sighed. "Snuggles are more important than breakfast."

~0~

Nick brought Matt, Tony, and Natasha with him. Bucky's house went from lonely and empty to bustling with activity in a span of about twenty seconds. Alpine was fascinated with the company and, just as Bucky feared, alternated between tailing Nick and Matt with his eyes fixed on their canes like he was hunting them. Fortunately, his trick with the bell worked a charm. They walked with extra caution when they heard it was near.

"Has your cat always worn a bell?" Matt asked.

"No. I put it on this morning because I was afraid he would trip you up," Bucky explained.

"Thanks, that's so thoughtful. Also, I'd hate to traumatize your cat by accidentally stepping on him."

"He's probably had worse," Bucky remarked. Only after he said it did he realize that unless Nick specifically told him, Matt had no idea about Alpine's disability.

"What?"

"He's only got three legs."

"Oh, okay." Matt chuckled, finally understanding Bucky's joke. "You guys are matching. That's cute."

"Yeah."

Bucky left Nick and Matt to get acquainted with his kitchen and set up to cook. He followed Tony and Natasha out to the backyard and found them mid-argument. "Tony, I don't care that it doesn't hurt, put the cornhole board down!" Natasha scolded.

Tony, carrying one of the big boards across the yard, said in return, "I'm fine, Nat. It's just bulky, probably doesn't weigh more than a few pounds."

"I don't care. Put it down."

"Tony, I know all about sternal precautions, and you are definitely violating them," Bucky interjected. He'd listened to Steve complain about those very restrictions for eight weeks after transplant surgery. "I can't push myself up from a chair, Bucky. From a chair," he'd griped.

"Look on the bright side. You might finally get some tone in those glutes," Bucky had replied. Steve had laughed so hard Bucky worried the force of it would split his sternum and the precautions would be for nothing.

While he'd refused to listen to Natasha, Tony dropped the board immediately after Bucky intervened. Natasha picked it up for him and carried it into position. "I'm sure we can find a job for you that doesn't involve heavy lifting," Bucky said.

"I feel like such an old man," Tony grumbled, but he complied.

"How are you doing?" Bucky asked on their way back inside.

"I'm great. The device is sitting pretty, my blood's circulating as it should. So far, so good."

"That's amazing."

Tony spent the next ten minutes showing Bucky all the features on the Smartwatch that controlled the device's settings. Most of it went over Bucky's head, but he tried his best to look interested. When he finished, they swung by the kitchen to check on Nick and Matt's progress. Clearly, they'd found their way around, because both canes were folded up and they moved swiftly from counter to counter with barely any hesitation.

Nick was elbow deep in hamburger meat, a few neat rows of perfectly formed patties already laid out beside him. Matt was busy slicing tomatoes and laying out lettuce leaves. "Looks like you got things covered here," Tony remarked. "Let me know if you need any help."

"Sure thing," Nick said. "You'd better hope I don't lose an eye in here." He nodded towards the pile of raw meat before him.

"Do they frequently just…fall out?" Tony asked.

Nick chuckled drily. "No. It only happened once, and it was right after I got my first one. I didn't quite understand what it took to pop one out."

"Is that why you wore an eyepatch when we first met?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah, no I lost my first prosthetic eye like…a month after I got it."

"Are you serious?" Tony questioned.

"Maybe it was a little longer than a month. But I lost that sucker real quick."

"Nick is the poster boy for responsibility," Matt remarked.

"Listen, I might not be Mr. Law School, but I'm plenty responsible. I planned this whole thing, didn't I?"

"We'll see how it goes."

"Okay. This started as me helping my family continue a beloved tradition, but now I'm just out to prove you wrong."

"Bring it on."

Bucky decided now was probably a good time to retreat and leave them to their business. He and Tony returned to the backyard to find Natasha had finished setting up cornhole and all the lawn chairs from the shed. "Are you done slacking off?" she asked Tony with a mischievous grin.

"Oh fuck off, Romanoff."

She shook her head. "I'm always picking up after you boys."

Bucky smirked. It had been less than a month since his house was last filled with Avengers, but he'd really missed them. He turned his head to share this moment with Steve, only for his face to fall when there was no one there smiling back at him. That jarring moment of he's not there, why isn't he there? seemingly dragged on for hours. Bucky forcibly shook his head to clear it, but the vestiges of that profound wrongness lingered. If any of his friends noticed his brief departure, they didn't mention it. They all probably expected that he'd be worse off than usual on today of all days.

With Natasha doing most of the physical labor, they got the backyard set up for the guests. After finishing up with food prep, Nick and Matt came out to join them and help decorate. Bucky wasn't aware that there would be any decorations, and Nick forced him to wait inside while they set up.

"Before you go, though, I do have one favor to ask. Can you bring out Steve's Yankee Doodle shirt?"

"Yeah, sure," Bucky choked on the words. He'd kept the shirt knowing that he'd probably never find a use for it beyond burying his face in it, but apparently Nick had actual plans for it. He grabbed the shirt from Steve's closet and brought it to Nick, who promptly shoved him towards the back door and told Natasha to close all the curtains so Bucky couldn't peek outside and ruin the surprise.

Bucky sat in the living room with Tony, who was also banned from helping decorate, and Alpine. The cat had at some point eaten his breakfast, and now he was content to curl up on Bucky's lap. "He's really helping, isn't he?" Tony asked knowingly.

"Yeah." Everyone already knew the story about how this cat miraculously fell into Bucky's waiting arm, but he hadn't talked much about how Alpine fell into his day-to-day life and probably kept him from depression. "Somehow, he knows when I need him the most." Bucky thought back to this morning, when Alpine scratched on his door in apparent hunger only to prioritize cuddling over eating. He could probably sense Bucky's distress upon waking and wanted to help from the very first moment.

"Maybe I should get a pet," Tony remarked.

Bucky offered a counter proposal. "Maybe you should build a robot."

"You're right, I'd probably neglect a pet by accident. It's hard enough taking care of myself." He rubbed his chest with a grimace. Though he'd said earlier that carrying the cornhole board didn't hurt him, Bucky suspected those words were coming back to bite him.

Thirty minutes after banishing them inside, Matt came to tell them the decorations were finished. Bucky eagerly sprang to his feet and rushed outside to see what all the fuss had been about. Nick and Nat stood back to let him observe. Almost every surface imaginable had been decked out in red, white, and blue lights, and on the back of the house hung a string of letters that read, "Happy birthday." After the Y in birthday, Steve's Yankee Doodle Dandy shirt was clothes-pinned to the line.

"Guys, this is amazing." Bucky was at a loss for words any more articulate than that. "He…Steve would really appreciate that you did this for me."

Nick gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Anything for you, my friend. Birthdays are for celebrating."

This morning, Bucky hadn't felt much like celebrating. But now, he was beginning to change his mind.

By two o'clock, most of the guests had arrived, despite the posted start time being three. They all showed up early wanting to know if they could help with anything. Nick had been so thorough that there wasn't anything for them to do besides get the party started early. The coolers of Sam Adams and sodas were put to good use. Almost all of the usual crowd was in attendance. Jim, Timmy, Gabe, Steve Danvers, Maria, Monica, Kate Bishop, Josiah, Thor, Wanda, Victor, Parker, and of course Nick, Matt, and Natasha. MJ, Bruce, and Betty weren't able to make it this year for obvious reasons, but they did briefly FaceTime in to say hi and give all the guests a chance to fawn over their babies' cute faces.

All the usual traditions still held. Cornhole, watermelon seed spitting, the playlist composed of Carol and Steve's favorite music, National Treasure. They even put sparklers in cupcakes, although this year they were store bought instead of homemade by Parker because he didn't have time to bake and decorate with a newborn in the house. The Avengers and their friends were nothing if not adaptable.

The moment when Steve would have made a birthday wish, Steve Danvers made an announcement. Bucky knew what was coming before he pulled out the envelope. He'd forced all thoughts of Steve's letters to the back of his mind because he knew if he thought about it at all he'd pick up the phone and beg Steve to give him all of them right now. He certainly hadn't expected another one so soon after the first.

"I guess this is sort of a reverse birthday present," Steve explained. "From him to you."

Bucky probably should have read it in private in case it caused him to have a sobbing breakdown, but he was too excited and felt so safe surrounded by these people that it didn't matter. There was no sketch accompanying this one, so he went straight to the letter:

Bucky,

I know you're wishing me a happy birthday, so thank you. I imagine this first birthday without me is going to be hard, especially since it's also a highly commercialized holiday. Hopefully, all the silly patriotic decorations everywhere will make you think of me and smile instead of cry. Play that fucking Yankee Doodle song as loud as you want. You won't have to hear me complain about it.

I hope you all still managed to get together. This day was always one of my favorites of the entire year and I want it to continue to be a favorite day for you. It's still the birthday of our nation (well, sort of, but I don't have time to get into the history here), and my birthday, even if I can't be there to blow out the candles. Keep our traditions alive, Buck. I want Carol May, and any other kids that join the family, to grow up celebrating instead of mourning me, and I know you can help make that happen.

I love you,

Steve, AKA Yankee Doodle Dandy

Bucky looked up from the notes with happy tears in his eyes and announced to the assembled Avengers, "Steve approves of the party!"

"Hooray!" a dozen cupcakes were raised in salute.

He didn't get to cuddle with Steve during the movie that night, but he sat sandwiched tightly between Tony and Natasha and for a moment a tiny part of him actually felt okay.