Master Yoda's Day Off
Mace Windu no longer walked down the corridor - he just oozed along, looking cooler and groovier by the second. His plan: to spread the word of the Living Force - the word of coolness - to the whole temple, then the whole galaxy, and eventually, the universe. Oh, and to try to get the rod out of Obi-Wan's ass.
There was a council meeting scheduled for that afternoon - it was the perfect opportunity to spread the Word. Accordingly, Mace Windu bowled along , making sure to turn up just a minute late so he didn't look too anal. Yoda and the others were sitting around looking frumpy, and for a moment Mace Windu's courage faltered; but then, from the corner of his eye, he spotted Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon leaning against a wall, giving him the thumbs up and grinning. Encouraged, Mace Windu strode right up to the little green head Jedi and said,
"Hey, Yoda! Y'know, you'd be so much cooler if you shortened your name just to 'Yo!"
"Bollocks speaking are you what? Pissed are you? Council meeting this is! Down you will sit! Being cool, you will stop!"
"Hey, take a chill pill, Yo. I was just talking to my buddy, Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon, and he was tellin' me how, since he died, he totally got his groove back. Well, I ain't waitin' to die before I groove, Yo. And you shouldn't either. Come on, you're eight hundred years old, and where's your mojo, man?"
"Mojo, Jedi masters have not. Respectable, we are!"
"But that's just it, Yo. It's all about respect. You respect the Force, the Force respects you. Dis the Force, and you end up, y'know, old and staid. Maybe that's why you're so green and wrinkly, Yo. You think you're worshipping but in reality, you're just dissin' the Force."
Yoda's ears flapped up and down as he contemplated the truth of what Mace Windu had said.
"Meaning, your words have. Cool I was once, seven hundred and eighty years ago. Lost my groove I have. Dis the Force, I do."
"But you can change, Yo. Take it from me. It's not to late to start respectin' the Force! The Force is all-cool and all-forgiving, man."
And Mace Windu began to rap.
"Yo! Respect the Force!
You may be green
But that don't mean
You gotta leave the scene
Yo! Respect the Force!
Give it a chance
Take off your pants
Let out the ants
Yo! Respect the Force!"
Yoda flapped his ears again.
"At rapping, appalling, you are. But right your message is. Take off my metaphorical pants, I will. Respect the Force, I will. Regain my groove, I must!"
"You go, Yo!"
"Council members," Yoda cried, "a gig there will be in the temple tonight. The greatest gig ever seen in the galaxy. Forcestock, will it be called. Attend, you all will, and your padawans you will bring. Taught to respect the Force, they must be. Groovy, they must become."
"Way to go, Yo!" Cried everyone.
It wasn't long before every Jedi in the temple had regained his or her groove, and the message was spreading. Even Palpatine had taken to wearing a Kangol hat. There was only one person - only one in the entire temple - who still hadn't accepted the Word.
"Something we must do, about Obi-Wan Kenobi." Yo said to the Council. "A rod up his ass, he has. Removed, it must be, and soon. Fall, darkness will, if groovy, Kenobi does not become."
"Yeah, he does seem pretty stuck on the frumpy side of the Force." Mace Windu agreed. "And anyway I promised Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon to de-rod his padawan before Anakin kills him. If Kenobi goes into the Force like that, his staidness could spread, and wipe out everything cool in the galaxy!"
"My master needs to lay chilly." Remarked Anakin, who had been called in to give his perspective on the most anal retentive Jedi in existence. "He keeps comin' out with this 'you have much to learn, my young padawan' bullshit. If he don't stop I'm gonna kick his ass!"
"Your master's ass, you will not kick." Yo said firmly. "Zen, we are not. Jedi, we are. A less violent approach to this problem of enlightening Kenobi will we take. Suggestions?"
"Maybe he'd get the rod of his ass if he got the plum out of his mouth." Muttered a council member.
"Saying, are you, that groovy, British people cannot be?"
"Not necessarily. Look at Qui. But Random Jedi dude over there has a point, Yo." Mace warmed to his theme. "I mean, did you ever hear an Eton accent rap? He has to cut the Churchill vibes, guys, before we get through to him. Can't be groovy soundin' like a cabinet minister!"
"A lot to answer for, has Tony Blair." Muttered Yo, darkly.
"We need to do something about that voice, and quick."
"Hm. A cockney accent, think you, instead?"
"Not bad - cockney is cool, but we don't want him sellin' knickers in a street market. Why don't we make him a Scot?"
"Aha, good, this idea is, Mace Windu. Ginger already is Kenobi. In a kilt, look cool, he would. Nice legs has he."
"You think dressing him in a skirt would make him groovy?" Asked Anakin, bewildered.
"Skirt, it is not! National dress, it is! Cool it is! And worn under the kilt, nothing is."
"It's all in working order." Agreed Mace Windu.
"Wedgies, we could not give him." Mused Yo. "Downside is this."
"If he was groovy, we wouldn't need to wedgie him." Pointed out Mace.
"He's right. Only nerds get wedgies." Anakin put in.
"Then agreed, it is. Scottish, Kenobi will be made. Rod from his ass, we will remove. Groovy, he will be, then unanimous, the Jedi shall become."
Sadly, the council's plan to Scottishise Kenobi failed utterly. They forced him into a kilt, made him recite the complete works of Robert Burns, and made him watch a looped tape of 'Braveheart', but to no avail. Kenobi retained his Eton accent and seemed utterly baffled by the kilt. He rather liked it, however, since he was able to go to the lavatory more easily. Eventually, the council figured out why Kenobi was unable to get back his groove.
"It's because he never had one in the first place, Yo!" Mace Windu explained. Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon agreed, remarking that,
"He's been a stuffed shirt ever since he was a padawan."
With the failure to convert Obi-Wan Kenobi, balance in the Force could not be achieved, and the Jedi were doomed. Obi-Wan's padawan, under the influence of his master, became more and more staid, until, one fateful day...
"It's happened, Yo! Skywalker's become...a Stiff!"
Indeed he had - a Stiff called Stark Vader. Yo was wrath with Kenobi.
"All your fault it is, for rod up your ass, you have. To Tatooine you will take Skywalker's son Luke, for in him now lies the hope of the Jedi. And you yourself to the desert will go, and as a hermit live, until your groove, you discover."
As we all know, Luke Skywalker didn't re-establish balance in the Force; far from being cool, he turned out to be a cheesy geek with a seventies haircut. So the Jedi were wiped out and stuffy gits took over the galaxy. Ironically, in spite of all this, Obi-Wan Kenobi did eventually discover his groove; he changed his name to Ben, which we all known is far cooler than Obi-Wan, a name for nerds. Thus is concluded the story of how the Jedi were wiped out and the galaxy condemned, all because of one man who had a rod up his ass. So Anakin was right, it really *was* all Obi-Wan's fault, after all.
The moral of this story?
RESPECT THE FORCE, WEAR A KILT, AND GET THE DAMN ROD OUT OF YOUR ASS!
Mace Windu no longer walked down the corridor - he just oozed along, looking cooler and groovier by the second. His plan: to spread the word of the Living Force - the word of coolness - to the whole temple, then the whole galaxy, and eventually, the universe. Oh, and to try to get the rod out of Obi-Wan's ass.
There was a council meeting scheduled for that afternoon - it was the perfect opportunity to spread the Word. Accordingly, Mace Windu bowled along , making sure to turn up just a minute late so he didn't look too anal. Yoda and the others were sitting around looking frumpy, and for a moment Mace Windu's courage faltered; but then, from the corner of his eye, he spotted Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon leaning against a wall, giving him the thumbs up and grinning. Encouraged, Mace Windu strode right up to the little green head Jedi and said,
"Hey, Yoda! Y'know, you'd be so much cooler if you shortened your name just to 'Yo!"
"Bollocks speaking are you what? Pissed are you? Council meeting this is! Down you will sit! Being cool, you will stop!"
"Hey, take a chill pill, Yo. I was just talking to my buddy, Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon, and he was tellin' me how, since he died, he totally got his groove back. Well, I ain't waitin' to die before I groove, Yo. And you shouldn't either. Come on, you're eight hundred years old, and where's your mojo, man?"
"Mojo, Jedi masters have not. Respectable, we are!"
"But that's just it, Yo. It's all about respect. You respect the Force, the Force respects you. Dis the Force, and you end up, y'know, old and staid. Maybe that's why you're so green and wrinkly, Yo. You think you're worshipping but in reality, you're just dissin' the Force."
Yoda's ears flapped up and down as he contemplated the truth of what Mace Windu had said.
"Meaning, your words have. Cool I was once, seven hundred and eighty years ago. Lost my groove I have. Dis the Force, I do."
"But you can change, Yo. Take it from me. It's not to late to start respectin' the Force! The Force is all-cool and all-forgiving, man."
And Mace Windu began to rap.
"Yo! Respect the Force!
You may be green
But that don't mean
You gotta leave the scene
Yo! Respect the Force!
Give it a chance
Take off your pants
Let out the ants
Yo! Respect the Force!"
Yoda flapped his ears again.
"At rapping, appalling, you are. But right your message is. Take off my metaphorical pants, I will. Respect the Force, I will. Regain my groove, I must!"
"You go, Yo!"
"Council members," Yoda cried, "a gig there will be in the temple tonight. The greatest gig ever seen in the galaxy. Forcestock, will it be called. Attend, you all will, and your padawans you will bring. Taught to respect the Force, they must be. Groovy, they must become."
"Way to go, Yo!" Cried everyone.
It wasn't long before every Jedi in the temple had regained his or her groove, and the message was spreading. Even Palpatine had taken to wearing a Kangol hat. There was only one person - only one in the entire temple - who still hadn't accepted the Word.
"Something we must do, about Obi-Wan Kenobi." Yo said to the Council. "A rod up his ass, he has. Removed, it must be, and soon. Fall, darkness will, if groovy, Kenobi does not become."
"Yeah, he does seem pretty stuck on the frumpy side of the Force." Mace Windu agreed. "And anyway I promised Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon to de-rod his padawan before Anakin kills him. If Kenobi goes into the Force like that, his staidness could spread, and wipe out everything cool in the galaxy!"
"My master needs to lay chilly." Remarked Anakin, who had been called in to give his perspective on the most anal retentive Jedi in existence. "He keeps comin' out with this 'you have much to learn, my young padawan' bullshit. If he don't stop I'm gonna kick his ass!"
"Your master's ass, you will not kick." Yo said firmly. "Zen, we are not. Jedi, we are. A less violent approach to this problem of enlightening Kenobi will we take. Suggestions?"
"Maybe he'd get the rod of his ass if he got the plum out of his mouth." Muttered a council member.
"Saying, are you, that groovy, British people cannot be?"
"Not necessarily. Look at Qui. But Random Jedi dude over there has a point, Yo." Mace warmed to his theme. "I mean, did you ever hear an Eton accent rap? He has to cut the Churchill vibes, guys, before we get through to him. Can't be groovy soundin' like a cabinet minister!"
"A lot to answer for, has Tony Blair." Muttered Yo, darkly.
"We need to do something about that voice, and quick."
"Hm. A cockney accent, think you, instead?"
"Not bad - cockney is cool, but we don't want him sellin' knickers in a street market. Why don't we make him a Scot?"
"Aha, good, this idea is, Mace Windu. Ginger already is Kenobi. In a kilt, look cool, he would. Nice legs has he."
"You think dressing him in a skirt would make him groovy?" Asked Anakin, bewildered.
"Skirt, it is not! National dress, it is! Cool it is! And worn under the kilt, nothing is."
"It's all in working order." Agreed Mace Windu.
"Wedgies, we could not give him." Mused Yo. "Downside is this."
"If he was groovy, we wouldn't need to wedgie him." Pointed out Mace.
"He's right. Only nerds get wedgies." Anakin put in.
"Then agreed, it is. Scottish, Kenobi will be made. Rod from his ass, we will remove. Groovy, he will be, then unanimous, the Jedi shall become."
Sadly, the council's plan to Scottishise Kenobi failed utterly. They forced him into a kilt, made him recite the complete works of Robert Burns, and made him watch a looped tape of 'Braveheart', but to no avail. Kenobi retained his Eton accent and seemed utterly baffled by the kilt. He rather liked it, however, since he was able to go to the lavatory more easily. Eventually, the council figured out why Kenobi was unable to get back his groove.
"It's because he never had one in the first place, Yo!" Mace Windu explained. Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon agreed, remarking that,
"He's been a stuffed shirt ever since he was a padawan."
With the failure to convert Obi-Wan Kenobi, balance in the Force could not be achieved, and the Jedi were doomed. Obi-Wan's padawan, under the influence of his master, became more and more staid, until, one fateful day...
"It's happened, Yo! Skywalker's become...a Stiff!"
Indeed he had - a Stiff called Stark Vader. Yo was wrath with Kenobi.
"All your fault it is, for rod up your ass, you have. To Tatooine you will take Skywalker's son Luke, for in him now lies the hope of the Jedi. And you yourself to the desert will go, and as a hermit live, until your groove, you discover."
As we all know, Luke Skywalker didn't re-establish balance in the Force; far from being cool, he turned out to be a cheesy geek with a seventies haircut. So the Jedi were wiped out and stuffy gits took over the galaxy. Ironically, in spite of all this, Obi-Wan Kenobi did eventually discover his groove; he changed his name to Ben, which we all known is far cooler than Obi-Wan, a name for nerds. Thus is concluded the story of how the Jedi were wiped out and the galaxy condemned, all because of one man who had a rod up his ass. So Anakin was right, it really *was* all Obi-Wan's fault, after all.
The moral of this story?
RESPECT THE FORCE, WEAR A KILT, AND GET THE DAMN ROD OUT OF YOUR ASS!