Chapter Thirteen

Shadows

When Jennifer awoke again, she was much more alert. Beside her sat Severus Snape, reading a large tome. As she turned to look at him, he noticed her awake and snapped the book shut.

"How are you feeling?" he asked solemnly. He had too much on his mind to read his face clearly.

"Better," she said. She was stiff from head to toe and she knew moving would hurt, but at the moment there was only numbness.

"Good," he said. "Dumbledore thought you might be waking soon," he reached over to an empty mug and something hot appeared. Jennifer sat up with a painful wince, and he carefully handed to her. "It's just broth," he added. "I doubt your stomach can handle anything more at this point." Jennifer nodded. She slowly sipped the broth, watching as Severus got up. "I'm going to let Dumbledore know you're awake. I'll be back shortly."

Once he left, Jennifer immediately got out of bed, feeling like she'd been there for days. Every bit of movement hurt. She felt unwholesome so decided to freshen up and change. Her face in the mirror was abnormally pallid, and she looked almost haunted. Craw determination and stubbornness, she grunted. That was keeping her going. Tired and weak from all the pain-creaking activity, she shuffled into her sitting room and brought the broth with her, now cold and easier to get down. Ratfly flopped down on her head, whining pitifully.

"I'm all right, ol' boy. How are you? Are they taking care of you? You want a rose apple?"

Ratfly didn't act hungry; instead, he went back and settled himself on his perch. Just as Jennifer finally got down the rest of the broth, Severus (who was mildly surprised to see her out of bed) and Dumbledore (who wasn't a bit surprised) came in. Dumbledore was carrying a wrapped package with him, oddly shaped, rather like a bowl.

"Ah, good to see you're feeling better, Jennifer," he said, putting the package down on the table. "Are you ready to have our talk?" Jennifer's stomach lurched and her face fell, trying not to panic.

"Of course, I'm ready whenever you are," she said. Dumbledore looked at her skeptically over the rim of his glasses. He leaned over and pulled the pocket mirror from where it stuck out of her robe pocket and handed it to her open. Under her weak smile, Jennifer saw she was positively horrified. She took the mirror from him.

"Ok, so I'm not ready. In fact I never want to think about or talk about it. Ever," she sighed, not wanting to look at Severus. "I'm not even sure I can remember it all."

"Well, it just so happens that I have an idea that might make this a bit easier for you. This was supposed to be your Christmas present from me, but under the circumstances, I think that you should have it early." Dumbledore looked down to the table and the packaged began to unwrap itself. She knew what it was immediately, and understood what was expected of her.

"A Pensieve," she said. It was empty at the moment of course.

"Yes, many of my staff have them, actually, although sometimes you have to be careful of keeping them from over-curious students," Dumbledore chuckled to himself. "All you need to do is think of the moment just before you want to stop remembering, think the words, 'memoria scriptum,' tap your forehead to get the strand, and pull it out until you get to the last thing you want to forget. Or, of course, you keep going and it'll store everything up to that point, but I wouldn't recommend it." He then leaned over and whispered softly, "The faster you pull, the faster you will get through the chain of events. So if you're uncomfortable just pull faster, all right?"

Jennifer nodded slowly, thinking of the moment the Death Eater arrived in the Dark Forest just before they Apparated. Taking a deep breath and forcing herself to relax she cast the spell, feeling the hauntingly hazy memory become unusually clear in her mind. Much too clear, she thought in a panic, as she saw the Death Eaters around her and heard them cast the first spell. Ok, she thought. I just need to get to Dumbledore again. Beginning to pull slowly she stumbled into the memory of the first Cruciatus curse and winced, pulling faster and faster, quickest just before she Apparated back, pausing slightly at the Unicorn… did she really want to forget that? But she was in so much pain. She gave it at last one good yank until she saw herself waking up, and then sighed with relief, ending the spell and putting it in the Pensieve triumphantly.

"Well done," Dumbledore said gently, looking at her. "Now, Jennifer, may we go in and see your memory?" His face told her what she already guessed. Although Dumbledore respected her privacy, he and Severus needed to go in to find out exactly what happened. Her responses and actions, as well as everyone else that were present had an affect on more people than just her, and they could probably glean more information out of it than she could.

"Yes, of course," she nodded.

"Severus, are you ready?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes," Severus said quickly as if he had been ready for days.

"Don't be so sure," Dumbledore warned, standing up himself. "This may take a while, Jennifer. Just relax and try to reorder your thoughts around the missing memory."

Together they waved their wands, touched the surface of the pool and then became unusually still as their minds were filled with the memory. Jennifer shivered slightly. She still knew that she went through a horrible ordeal, she just couldn't make out any details any longer. She remembered going to the forest and why, and that she was brought back nearly dead. Suddenly, she regretted letting them in. She knew she must have seemed weak, and she didn't want anyone to see her like that. No, it'd have been foolish to have not let them just to save her from embarrassment. She got out her pocket mirror again and looked in her face, thoughtfully. Anxious, huh, she frowned at herself. Yes, she nodded to the mirror. At least, she didn't say anything questionable and knew everyone was safe. That's what mattered the most.

At last they opened their eyes, exchanging glances. Severus quickly put his wand away, and without even looking at Jennifer, he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Dumbledore watched him go, taking Jennifer's hand.

"Don't worry, Jennifer, he just needs to calm down. I will go talk to him in a moment."

"I've never seen him that angry before…" Jennifer frowned. Was it a mistake to let him see that?

"It's not your fault, Jennifer. Sometimes it's much harder to watch someone go through a terrible ordeal when you've been through similar situations yourself. His anger is directed at himself, not at you," Dumbledore explained.

"It's not his fault that Voldemort is such a twit," Jennifer snorted. Dumbledore suddenly chuckled.

"Now I know you're feeling better. Jennifer's famous potion of levity strikes again."

"Well, at least they bought my answers, not that I had control over what I said at the time." Jennifer said with a weak smile.

"Oh, you had some control, Jennifer. There were times you answered much more than the question asked for." Jennifer looked worried for a moment but Dumbledore put up his hand. "You did very, very well. The extra information that you were willing to give was probably instrumental in his decision to let you go. I think, even believing you were just a servant, he may have killed you just as an example if you had not shown your 'usefulness.'"

"I'll have to take your word for it. I don't remember exactly what I said."

"Well, Jennifer, you have a Pensieve now, so when you're ready, when you're ready, you can go try and make some sense of it," Dumbledore smiled. "I had better go talk to Severus. Feel free to go out, if you think you're up to it. You have many friends who are worried and would be happy to see you."

"What have they been told about what happened to me?" she asked.

"Well, it was actually Harry who let us know that something was wrong. He found the note in your room and knew whom it was from. So, there can't really be any pretense on that. Voldemort and his minions captured you because they thought you were a threat and you barely escaped alive. I don't think any more needs to be said about it. No one will press."

"Ha, I will have it safely locked away anyhow so it can't betray me," Jennifer said triumphantly.

"If you'd like, I can keep it somewhere safe until you need it again, that way you need not worry about its security."

"Please take it, I very much hope I don't need it for a while." Jennifer said, knocking on the table in front of her.

Severus Snape was standing along the parapet looking out on the lake with his arms folded, when Dumbledore found him.

"It's nice up here, isn't it?" Dumbledore asked, looking out. "Good place to think and get away from the students. A bit windy, though," he added, looking over at Severus. "I don't suppose you want to talk about it?"

"No," Severus said, not even turning around.

"I thought not, but I have some things to say to you regardless, so I ask that you hear me out. I can very easily guess the kinds of things going through your head right now, Severus, and before you say it, no, I haven't been through everything you've been through, but that doesn't mean I can't understand it.

"There's a very resilient young woman down there recovering from a hideous crime, a crime which you wrongly blame yourself for. And now, after she has done everything you have asked of her; trusted you more than anyone else in the very short time she's known you, acted very bravely to save us all, and after, against unbelievable odds, she survived that first night back after her ordeal, you are wanting to go and tell her that you don't need her assistance anymore. You want to tell her that including her was an unfortunate misstep and the risk is too great, so that you can try to safeguard her.

"But I can tell you right now that doing so would be a grave mistake. She would not be safeguarded. She would be left alone and would no longer be willing to trust anyone. And the moment the Death Eaters suspect she has left your 'service,' which would be evident in her behavior from the moment that you try to release her, she would once more be considered a threat needing to be extinguished. More than likely, they would order you to kill her. And then, you haven't only sacrificed her, but yourself.

"I have often felt that there have been occasions where you were too reckless with your own life, Severus, taking chances above and beyond what I expected of you. But then Jennifer came, and I noticed a subtle change in you and how you see yourself. You have been taking extra time to think about the risks before making a move, planning ahead for all possible outcomes, and trying to prepare for any consequences. And in just over a month's time, Jennifer has gone from an unsure young instructor to a brilliant professor that everyone is fond of. A person who faithfully trusts you to the point of facing the wrath of me on this end and Voldemort on the other; who sees everyone for who they really are, including you, and who greets every challenge she's faced with laughter."

Severus did not say a word. He leaned against the parapet, gazing now behind him at Hogwarts as one by one the halls got lit for the coming of evening, still frowning. But Dumbledore had already figured out what Severus had been trying to deny to himself, and that Severus was getting much more attached to the new professor than he had intended.

"Severus, you know that I usually stay out of my staff's personal affairs, and whatever happens between you and Jennifer is none of my business. But I do want to pose one question that I think might affect what you're battling yourself over. When the time comes - and it will come - when Voldemort and his followers are gone for good, and if by some miracle we survive, are you going to be standing there with Jennifer or are you going to be standing alone, lost in your own past?" It was obvious to Dumbledore that Severus wasn't going to answer, nor had he expected one at that moment.

"No matter what you decide, I'll support you. But I'm sure you already knew that," he said, patting Severus' shoulder gently. "I am going to dinner. I suspect that Jennifer will probably be there, and I want to be there to welcome her. Good evening, Severus." Dumbledore disappeared from view.