Late evening….
Stephanie watched Eric with his eyes closed, in her arms, in their bed. He was finally calm.
"Remember when the kids were little and we would take them to Big Bear" She whispered, a smile on her face.
He nodded his head yes, but he still could not speak. Not yet.
"Felicia hated it" She chuckled.
A smile crossed his face.
"But you taught her how to make a fire outside and she loved every second of it. After that she wanted to go to the cabin every time you did. She begged you to teach her other things" She remembered fondly.
He looked at her and whispered, "What I remember most is laying down beside you after a long, cold night out with the boys. You would have the fireplace on in our bedroom, you were so warm and beautiful…" He ran his hand down her pajama covered arm. His eyes gleaming in the night as he remembered those nights. The fire burning along with their passion for one another. She had wanted his touch then, wanted to make love and be in his arms. In fact, she often initiated intimacy.
"I remember" She whispered, a blush covering her cheeks. She remembered all the times they made passionate love. She hoped that he knew that she would never forget.
Caught up on the memories he turned her face with his hand softly and kissed her tenderly. She closed her eyes allowing herself a moment to enjoy his lips on hers. After all this time. It still felt like heaven. And he still made her feel safe, even now…
She felt his hand travel across her chest and to the buttons on the front of his shirt that she wore.
She felt a warmness go over her body in anticipation of what was to come. This is what she had been waiting for. What she had tried to explain to him. The moment had to be right if it was going to happen. She thought finally it was the right moment but the more buttons he unbuttoned she felt herself start to become anxious, her chest tightening. What if it got worse while they are making love? The thought of not being able to catch her breath making her start to panic.
Before he could unbutton the final buttons, she pulled away.
"Honey" He asked concerned?
She could see the worry on his handsome face.
How could she tell him what she was feeling? Would he understand?
"Steph" He asked again as he touched her hand softly?
She grabbed his hand tightly wanting him to feel her touch, the warmth.
He looked at her confused and clearly worried.
"I love you…" She began but he pulled his hand away and stood up putting distance between them.
"I see" He said the disappointment evident on his voice as he put his robe on.
"Eric…." She begged him not to walk out. Not now when they were so close.
"You don't…want to" He finished his thought even though it was breaking his heart. He needed to express his love, to show her how much he loved her before… Why did she keep pushing him away?
"I can't…" She forced herself to say, closing her eyes after the words were out. She began to button the shirt up quickly. Missing the sadness that took over his features.
He nodded his head in defeat as he sat down. She was breaking his heart, again. He forced himself to look into her eyes once she opened them again. He could see the sadness, deep sadness.
She sat beside him and took his hand holding it tightly.
He remained silent.
She pulled his hand up and kissed it lovingly as she held it against her cheek. She had so many things she wanted to say to him, but she could not. Not when they were at odds about this. She knew how he could be. She did not want to expose her heart to him when he was clearly upset with her. The past showed her that during times like this she would share too much and later- on he would use it against her. It was too painful to endure so she learned to remain silent when it came to intimacy.
"I love you too" He said as he squeezed her hand tight.
She pulled at his hand wanting him to come back to bed with her.
He took off his robe and joined her in the bed as they faced one another holding hands in silence.
The next day….
Stephanie spent the morning sitting in her kitchen staring at her cup of tea, her thoughts far away.
Eric left first thing in the morning. No mention of last night or what had transpired between them. Or she should say, what had not transpired.
She sighed as her head bent forward onto her hand. Her eyes closed. Her mind troubled. She knew she hurt him. He wanted to express his love in a physical way. He had been asking her to for some time. She struggled with talking to him about it. She knew he felt rejected, he had voiced it several times, but she was lost on how to convince him that it was not rejection.
"Mom…are you okay" Thorne asked worried as he went to her?
She smiled at him and nodded her head yes.
"Oh good" He smiled relieved.
"Sit with me" She encouraged so he did.
They talked and caught up on everything. She enjoyed his visit immensely.
Once he left to go to the office, she sat by herself in the living room, looking at pictures. Her door- bell rang distracting her. She walked over and opened it.
"Mass, hi" She smiled as she welcomed him in.
"Is Eric home" He asked before going inside?
"No" She chuckled as she walked ahead of him.
Massimo shut the door and followed her into the living room.
Stephanie sat and patted the cushion beside her, a smile on her face.
He sighed and then sat beside her.
"Don't scowl" She teased as she took his hand in her hand.
"You would if you were me. If your…" He paused.
What was I to him, exactly, she thought curiously?
"Let me help you" He begged her.
"You are" She said seriously not wanting to tease him at this moment.
"You are so stubborn" He spat upset as he stood, shoving his hands in his pockets and walking toward the fireplace.
"That is what you love most about me" She said honestly as she watched him fondly.
"I love your strength" He admitted as he turned and looked her in the eyes.
She could see he was being honest.
"Why are you giving up? What has Eric done to make you give up" He asked angrily, hurt?
"Eric has been fighting me on this every step of the way. He even told me to go with you so I can get the treatment." She shared wanting him to know that Eric was not the selfish man he thought he was.
Massimo seemed genuinely surprised.
"Eric loves me" She stated matter of fact, but he could see how her eyes brightened.
"Then fight. You have been fighting all these years to get the man to love you and be with you and now that he does, now that he is with you, you are giving up. I don't understand you" He said in utter confusion.
"Eric doesn't understand me either" She reassured him with a teasing smile this time. She needed to lighten the conversation. Her heart was being squeezed tight by his relentless words.
"I'm being serious. What is going on? Talk to me" He pushed.
"I don't want to spend the last bit of time I have getting treatments, being sick, too sick to love and enjoy my family. It is not what I want. I have asked Eric and the family to respect my decision and now I am asking you. Please Mass, I do not want to talk about this every time I see you. Don't rob me of time with my best friend" She whispered, her eyes tearing although she tried hard to not let him see her like this, she could not control it.
Massimo looked away.
She stood up and walked over to him.
"You're asking too much of me" He said in a low voice. He was heart- broken.
"I know I am" She admitted as she took his hand in her hand, holding it tightly.
That was how Eric saw them when he walked into the house. Only this time, he was not angry or jealous. He found himself hopeful, maybe he got through to her, he thought as he walked over towards them.
"Eric..." Stephanie said surprised to see him. She hoped he would not make a scene. His words about Massimo not being welcomed replayed in her mind.
By the look on Massimo face, Eric realized his hopes were not going to be, a sadness crossed his features.
"I was just leaving" Massimo lied. He needed to leave. He needed time to think.
Stephanie looked at him since she knew he was lying she could see that he was hurting.
"I'll be in touch" Massimo said as he walked past her and looked Eric in the eyes.
Both men somehow communicating, sharing in their grief without uttering a word.
The door closing made Eric react. He walked over to her and asked, "did Thorne come by? He called me this morning asking about you."
"Yes, he did. We had a nice talk" She smiled.
"That's good" He said as he walked over to the side bar and poured himself some water.
"Kristen called she's coming home" He shared as he looked at her.
"That's wonderful news. I miss her" She admitted.
"She misses you too" He said honestly.
"We should have a family dinner" She suggested.
"That would be great" He smiled.
"You're home early" She said hoping he would open- up.
"I couldn't concentrate so I decided to come home" He admitted.
"I'm glad you're here. I was looking at something, come see" she pulled him by the hand and lead him over to the sofa.
They sat together and she handed him some family pictures.
A genuine smile crossed his face as he looked at the pictures ranging from when the children were little to recent.
"Remember this one" She pointed out as she laughed.
He could not help it, he laughed, when he realized the family photo was taken by Felicia when she was young. They were missing various body parts and it was blurry.
"She wanted to be a photographer" He said as he put the photo back down.
"You bought her the camera" She remembered fondly.
"I was happy when she came to me and told me she wanted to be a designer, like me" He said as he looked into her eyes, they shone with happiness.
"I remember" She smiled as she leaned into him and rested her head against his shoulder.
He lowered his head, his chin resting on her head.
They sat like that for a while.