THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE
Day 1
Back at school again and hating it more than ever. Got idiot Potter boy in trouble (along with redheaded boyfriend) but that interfering git Dumbledore let them off the hook! Kicked the leg of my desk for a while til I felt better. WORSE LUCK, Dark Arts job gone to some featherbrained idiot named Lockhart. Horrible fashion sense and no talent at all. Not bad-looking, though.
DAY 3
Lockhart still not fired, God only knows why. Want to push him down a flight of stairs and get his job. Want to kick desk leg til feel better. Want to kick Lockhart til feel better. Mad about Potter boy not being expelled, mad about Malfoy brat not returning my owls, mad about Lockhart being generally stupid, especially his habit of hoarding all the lemon pepper crackers to himself during dinner.
Day 8
Lucius got his son on our House Team with bribery, as usual. Not that I care, even if I was never a Seeker myself. Not at all. Accidentally kicked desk leg off today.
Still not on speaking terms with Malfoy boy. Little fuzzyheaded girlfriend of Potter's looking kind of cute these days.
DAY 9
Gave permission letter to Malfoy boy to use Quidditch field, just to spite Gryffindor Team. Back on speaking terms with Malfoy now, but unfortunately out of chocolate syrup. Will run to the store for more next week.
Day 14
Very upset with Lockhart nonsense. Wish Dumbledore would sort out his ass from his hat and just give me the job. Obviously overqualified for it. Lockhart incapable of running a daycare for squirrels by himself. Also ponces around in silly outfits. Doesn't even have the sense to realize that purple is a winter color and it's not even November.
Maybe excessive nancing about in lavender and aquamarine will get me the Dark Arts job...
Day 13
Having hard time deciding what colors flatter me besides black. Considering getting palette done. Starting to regret getting hair layered.
Day 22
Swallowed pride and asked Lockhart for help. Will laugh at him when I get his job anyway. Lockhart not much assistance, except to daff about and talk as if he personally designed the wardrobes of every major political figure in history. Suspect Lockhart might be gay, though not sure why. Eventually borrowed most of his barrettes and got to work.
Day 23
Stupid Filch's cat petrified in the halls last night. Didn't suspect Potter at all but pinned it on him just to have a good laugh. Hoping he'll be expelled. Filch acting much too upset over a cat...why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyway? Suspect Filch may have bumped off Mr. Norris some time ago...to what purpose, I'm not certain.
Day 30
No sign of Potter being expelled yet. Still not Dark Arts professor. Got into row with Lockhart over the lemon pepper crackers at dinner again tonite...won the argument by taking the bowlful and stuffing them down the front of my robes. Go me!
Later
All over in crumbs now. Never doing that again.
Day 39
Barrette experiment a complete disaster, have thrown them all away in exasperation. Lockhart buys them in bulk from wholesaler anyhow. Muggle children being turned to stone all over school. Go heir of Slytherin! Never liked half of them anyway. Wish Lockhart would get turned to stone. Also wish Lockhart would stop giving me advice about teasing my hair. Also also wish Lockhart would stop asking me on shopping trips to Hogsmeade. Wish Lockhart would just get stuffed in general.
Still finding crumbs in odd places.
Day 50
Went on shopping trip with Lockhart to get more chocolate syrup. Wound up spending six hours in men's department while Lockhart asked, "Does this make me look fat?" approximately eighty billion jillion times. Wish I was a dragon-handler and not a teacher. Still not bloody Dark Arts professor. Current Dark Arts professor DOES look fat in EVERYTHING, especially yellow. Am also convinced that he dyes his hair.
Day 66
Slytherin lost to Gryffindor. Am very upset at Malfoy for missing the Snitch. Am very very upset at Malfoy for somehow developing allergic reaction to chocolate over the summer holidays.
Day 70
Have been asked by Lockhart to "join his duo club". Is he coming onto me?
Day 71
Found out Lockhart wants to start duel club, not duo club, and it's for the students. Am kind of disappointed. Have all this syrup I don't know what to do with now. Agreed to help just for kicks.
Day 72
Tried to kill Potter with a snake, but apparently he's a Parselmouth. Am weirdly turned on by this ability.
Day 74
SOMEONE broke into my private stores and buggered off with a mess of potion ingredients!! Also took all my Nivea products, half a dozen Biore strips, and my collection of subscription cards from Entertainment Weekly. Am bloody ripped about this incident and shall report it as soon as I can get Lockhart to stop greeting me in hallways by blowing kisses.
Day 87
Dumbledore apparently never going to make me Dark Arts professor. Dumbledore not even letting me know what's going on with Heir of my own House. Dumbledore kind of a total bastard most of the time. Stayed in bed today with covers pulled over my head. Ignored Lockhart nancing at my door around ten at nite.
Day 90
Finally lain smack down on Lockhart today when girl was reported dead inside Chamber of Secrets. Go me! Told him off and sent him away to "prepare to fight the Heir of Slytherin." Worthless idiot's probably packing up his bleaching kits as fast as he can. On worse note, idiot Potter once again stupid hero of the day after confronting unknown and probably nonexistent danger in the Chamber. Not happy about this. House Cup went to bloody GryffinDORKS again and Malfoy in a sulk about his father being sacked. See if he gets any comfort from ME!
Upshot of all this: Lockhart is fired and no one else wants Dark Arts job. PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR DARK ARTS POSITION! WHOOOOO!!!
Day 1
Back at school again and hating it more than ever. Got idiot Potter boy in trouble (along with redheaded boyfriend) but that interfering git Dumbledore let them off the hook! Kicked the leg of my desk for a while til I felt better. WORSE LUCK, Dark Arts job gone to some featherbrained idiot named Lockhart. Horrible fashion sense and no talent at all. Not bad-looking, though.
DAY 3
Lockhart still not fired, God only knows why. Want to push him down a flight of stairs and get his job. Want to kick desk leg til feel better. Want to kick Lockhart til feel better. Mad about Potter boy not being expelled, mad about Malfoy brat not returning my owls, mad about Lockhart being generally stupid, especially his habit of hoarding all the lemon pepper crackers to himself during dinner.
Day 8
Lucius got his son on our House Team with bribery, as usual. Not that I care, even if I was never a Seeker myself. Not at all. Accidentally kicked desk leg off today.
Still not on speaking terms with Malfoy boy. Little fuzzyheaded girlfriend of Potter's looking kind of cute these days.
DAY 9
Gave permission letter to Malfoy boy to use Quidditch field, just to spite Gryffindor Team. Back on speaking terms with Malfoy now, but unfortunately out of chocolate syrup. Will run to the store for more next week.
Day 14
Very upset with Lockhart nonsense. Wish Dumbledore would sort out his ass from his hat and just give me the job. Obviously overqualified for it. Lockhart incapable of running a daycare for squirrels by himself. Also ponces around in silly outfits. Doesn't even have the sense to realize that purple is a winter color and it's not even November.
Maybe excessive nancing about in lavender and aquamarine will get me the Dark Arts job...
Day 13
Having hard time deciding what colors flatter me besides black. Considering getting palette done. Starting to regret getting hair layered.
Day 22
Swallowed pride and asked Lockhart for help. Will laugh at him when I get his job anyway. Lockhart not much assistance, except to daff about and talk as if he personally designed the wardrobes of every major political figure in history. Suspect Lockhart might be gay, though not sure why. Eventually borrowed most of his barrettes and got to work.
Day 23
Stupid Filch's cat petrified in the halls last night. Didn't suspect Potter at all but pinned it on him just to have a good laugh. Hoping he'll be expelled. Filch acting much too upset over a cat...why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyway? Suspect Filch may have bumped off Mr. Norris some time ago...to what purpose, I'm not certain.
Day 30
No sign of Potter being expelled yet. Still not Dark Arts professor. Got into row with Lockhart over the lemon pepper crackers at dinner again tonite...won the argument by taking the bowlful and stuffing them down the front of my robes. Go me!
Later
All over in crumbs now. Never doing that again.
Day 39
Barrette experiment a complete disaster, have thrown them all away in exasperation. Lockhart buys them in bulk from wholesaler anyhow. Muggle children being turned to stone all over school. Go heir of Slytherin! Never liked half of them anyway. Wish Lockhart would get turned to stone. Also wish Lockhart would stop giving me advice about teasing my hair. Also also wish Lockhart would stop asking me on shopping trips to Hogsmeade. Wish Lockhart would just get stuffed in general.
Still finding crumbs in odd places.
Day 50
Went on shopping trip with Lockhart to get more chocolate syrup. Wound up spending six hours in men's department while Lockhart asked, "Does this make me look fat?" approximately eighty billion jillion times. Wish I was a dragon-handler and not a teacher. Still not bloody Dark Arts professor. Current Dark Arts professor DOES look fat in EVERYTHING, especially yellow. Am also convinced that he dyes his hair.
Day 66
Slytherin lost to Gryffindor. Am very upset at Malfoy for missing the Snitch. Am very very upset at Malfoy for somehow developing allergic reaction to chocolate over the summer holidays.
Day 70
Have been asked by Lockhart to "join his duo club". Is he coming onto me?
Day 71
Found out Lockhart wants to start duel club, not duo club, and it's for the students. Am kind of disappointed. Have all this syrup I don't know what to do with now. Agreed to help just for kicks.
Day 72
Tried to kill Potter with a snake, but apparently he's a Parselmouth. Am weirdly turned on by this ability.
Day 74
SOMEONE broke into my private stores and buggered off with a mess of potion ingredients!! Also took all my Nivea products, half a dozen Biore strips, and my collection of subscription cards from Entertainment Weekly. Am bloody ripped about this incident and shall report it as soon as I can get Lockhart to stop greeting me in hallways by blowing kisses.
Day 87
Dumbledore apparently never going to make me Dark Arts professor. Dumbledore not even letting me know what's going on with Heir of my own House. Dumbledore kind of a total bastard most of the time. Stayed in bed today with covers pulled over my head. Ignored Lockhart nancing at my door around ten at nite.
Day 90
Finally lain smack down on Lockhart today when girl was reported dead inside Chamber of Secrets. Go me! Told him off and sent him away to "prepare to fight the Heir of Slytherin." Worthless idiot's probably packing up his bleaching kits as fast as he can. On worse note, idiot Potter once again stupid hero of the day after confronting unknown and probably nonexistent danger in the Chamber. Not happy about this. House Cup went to bloody GryffinDORKS again and Malfoy in a sulk about his father being sacked. See if he gets any comfort from ME!
Upshot of all this: Lockhart is fired and no one else wants Dark Arts job. PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR DARK ARTS POSITION! WHOOOOO!!!