THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER
Day 1
Got back to school all right and immediately started studying. Will be way ahead of everyone else by next week. Harry and Ron yapping about Quidditch nonstop...apparently Wood thinks this particular year is important or something. Don't have time to worry about that, must study.
Day 2
Met WONDERFUL new teacher for Dark Arts classes, Gilderoy Lockhart. Believe he must be the smartest man alive. Read all his books eight times. Harry and Ron obviously jealous of his fame...they never stop badmouthing him!
Day 4
Was ever so delighted when Lockhart offered to autograph all of my textbooks in class today! Even his signature is cute, though I'm not sure what he scrawled underneath. It looks like "Midnight [something] window at the [something something] hallway to my chamber, don't be [smudged out] late XXOO, Lockey." Have no idea what that's supposed to mean.
Must go, time for Arithmancy.
Day 20
STUPID Malfoy is the new Seeker for Slytherin! Am not happy about this OR what he called me on the field today. Ron came to my rescue, of course...and ended up vomiting slugs for a few hours, of course. Hate that helmet-haired Malfoy git so much I could just scream. Made a point of blocking all his IMs today just to show I was NOT accepting apologies.
Day 23
Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris, petrified by some unknown assailant. Filch bizarrely inconsolable. Harry said he heard strange voices just before the attack, but neither Ron nor I heard anything. Not surprising, as I was busy yelling for Ron to stop slobbering on my neck.
Why is the cat named Mrs. Norris, anyway?
Day 33
Had another wonderfully exciting Dark Arts class, all about Lockhart's defeat of the Wailing Banshee of Cornwall. Took notes on everything. Lockhart gave me ten extra points for good notetaking, and ten more for "being a total hottie." Not sure what that has to do with class. In a related note, found all my textbooks a mess from having Lockhart's signature blotted out with ink. Fingerprints on the bind look suspiciously like Ron's. Am going to confront him about this after dinner tonite.
Later
Confronted Ron, had a terrific row about my books in one of the outer corridors with him. Ended up yelling that if he was jealous of my liking Lockhart, he should just admit it and not go destroying property instead. Am rather out of breath now, as he chased me all the way up the main staircase, up the tower and into the dormitories, all the time yelling about scarlet women. Am thinking about getting some slightly less grabby friends next year.
Day 51
Went round to the teachers' lounger to ask Lockhart a question. Wasn't there. Headed to his office, peeked in to see if he was available. Found him standing in front of a full-length mirror in a yellow cocktail dress and boa, saying to himself that Snape did not know ANYTHING about color coordination, and yellow suited him just FINE. Wonder if maybe Lockhart is just a little bit of a fairy?
Day 52
Big Quidditch match coming up. Everyone talking about it and no one studying. Honestly, am I the only one around here who remembers this is a school?
Day 66
Gryffindor beat today! Slytherins mad as hell and serve them right. Harry broke his arm and interfered with Lockhart's spell or something, so that he now has NO bones in his arm...up to Madam Pomfrey to fix it. Flint off slapping Malfoy around about missing the Snitch. Malfoy not too happy, though more so probably because everyone on the Slytherin team calls him "b*tch" (definitely not a word I would write in full in my diary). Note to self: be very thankful am not scrawny little blonde boy on team with six other burly, unattractive Slytherin guys. No wonder he hasn't been sitting comfortably in his chair in Potions lately.
Day 74
Decided with Ron and Harry to use Polyjuice Potion to find out what Slytherin common room looks like and if it's nicer than ours. Snuck into Snape's private store room to steal boomslang skin, eye of newt, weight- gain powder and half a tablespoon of vanilla extract. Also hooked some biore strips, bottles of nivea collegen-elastin and some cards for ET. Noticed a nice pair of boots from Hot Topic but they wouldn't fit under my robes with the other stuff.
Day 75
Started Polyjuice Potion in girls' biff today. Smells mostly like vanilla. Wish I'd grabbed those boots when I had the chance. Have a very nice PVC dress that would have looked great with them.
Day 87
Harry and Ron got into Slytherin commons using Potion, but I was turned into a cat-girl by mistake and stayed behind. During the space of one hour, was visited by no less than four hundred drooling fanboys who kept asking me to wear a giant bell around my neck and say "Nyao?" while curling one paw by the side of my head. Refused and turned them all into cockroaches, which I think was an improvement. Ron and Harry reported back soon to say that the Slytherin common room was "really grody" and the password to get in was "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nagz gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."
Day 90
Have just woken up in hospital wing. Found out why everyone was being turned to stone, but didn't feel like telling anyone, as was tired of getting letters from the Digi-Charat people about a possible franchise of Cat-Girl potions in Japan, so let myself get petrified by the basilisk. Have had lovely nap and am now ready to take finals.
Day 91
FINALS CANCELLED??! ARRGHHHHHHH!!!
(rest of diary is torn apart and has bite marks out of it)
Day 1
Got back to school all right and immediately started studying. Will be way ahead of everyone else by next week. Harry and Ron yapping about Quidditch nonstop...apparently Wood thinks this particular year is important or something. Don't have time to worry about that, must study.
Day 2
Met WONDERFUL new teacher for Dark Arts classes, Gilderoy Lockhart. Believe he must be the smartest man alive. Read all his books eight times. Harry and Ron obviously jealous of his fame...they never stop badmouthing him!
Day 4
Was ever so delighted when Lockhart offered to autograph all of my textbooks in class today! Even his signature is cute, though I'm not sure what he scrawled underneath. It looks like "Midnight [something] window at the [something something] hallway to my chamber, don't be [smudged out] late XXOO, Lockey." Have no idea what that's supposed to mean.
Must go, time for Arithmancy.
Day 20
STUPID Malfoy is the new Seeker for Slytherin! Am not happy about this OR what he called me on the field today. Ron came to my rescue, of course...and ended up vomiting slugs for a few hours, of course. Hate that helmet-haired Malfoy git so much I could just scream. Made a point of blocking all his IMs today just to show I was NOT accepting apologies.
Day 23
Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris, petrified by some unknown assailant. Filch bizarrely inconsolable. Harry said he heard strange voices just before the attack, but neither Ron nor I heard anything. Not surprising, as I was busy yelling for Ron to stop slobbering on my neck.
Why is the cat named Mrs. Norris, anyway?
Day 33
Had another wonderfully exciting Dark Arts class, all about Lockhart's defeat of the Wailing Banshee of Cornwall. Took notes on everything. Lockhart gave me ten extra points for good notetaking, and ten more for "being a total hottie." Not sure what that has to do with class. In a related note, found all my textbooks a mess from having Lockhart's signature blotted out with ink. Fingerprints on the bind look suspiciously like Ron's. Am going to confront him about this after dinner tonite.
Later
Confronted Ron, had a terrific row about my books in one of the outer corridors with him. Ended up yelling that if he was jealous of my liking Lockhart, he should just admit it and not go destroying property instead. Am rather out of breath now, as he chased me all the way up the main staircase, up the tower and into the dormitories, all the time yelling about scarlet women. Am thinking about getting some slightly less grabby friends next year.
Day 51
Went round to the teachers' lounger to ask Lockhart a question. Wasn't there. Headed to his office, peeked in to see if he was available. Found him standing in front of a full-length mirror in a yellow cocktail dress and boa, saying to himself that Snape did not know ANYTHING about color coordination, and yellow suited him just FINE. Wonder if maybe Lockhart is just a little bit of a fairy?
Day 52
Big Quidditch match coming up. Everyone talking about it and no one studying. Honestly, am I the only one around here who remembers this is a school?
Day 66
Gryffindor beat today! Slytherins mad as hell and serve them right. Harry broke his arm and interfered with Lockhart's spell or something, so that he now has NO bones in his arm...up to Madam Pomfrey to fix it. Flint off slapping Malfoy around about missing the Snitch. Malfoy not too happy, though more so probably because everyone on the Slytherin team calls him "b*tch" (definitely not a word I would write in full in my diary). Note to self: be very thankful am not scrawny little blonde boy on team with six other burly, unattractive Slytherin guys. No wonder he hasn't been sitting comfortably in his chair in Potions lately.
Day 74
Decided with Ron and Harry to use Polyjuice Potion to find out what Slytherin common room looks like and if it's nicer than ours. Snuck into Snape's private store room to steal boomslang skin, eye of newt, weight- gain powder and half a tablespoon of vanilla extract. Also hooked some biore strips, bottles of nivea collegen-elastin and some cards for ET. Noticed a nice pair of boots from Hot Topic but they wouldn't fit under my robes with the other stuff.
Day 75
Started Polyjuice Potion in girls' biff today. Smells mostly like vanilla. Wish I'd grabbed those boots when I had the chance. Have a very nice PVC dress that would have looked great with them.
Day 87
Harry and Ron got into Slytherin commons using Potion, but I was turned into a cat-girl by mistake and stayed behind. During the space of one hour, was visited by no less than four hundred drooling fanboys who kept asking me to wear a giant bell around my neck and say "Nyao?" while curling one paw by the side of my head. Refused and turned them all into cockroaches, which I think was an improvement. Ron and Harry reported back soon to say that the Slytherin common room was "really grody" and the password to get in was "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nagz gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."
Day 90
Have just woken up in hospital wing. Found out why everyone was being turned to stone, but didn't feel like telling anyone, as was tired of getting letters from the Digi-Charat people about a possible franchise of Cat-Girl potions in Japan, so let myself get petrified by the basilisk. Have had lovely nap and am now ready to take finals.
Day 91
FINALS CANCELLED??! ARRGHHHHHHH!!!
(rest of diary is torn apart and has bite marks out of it)