THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR GILDEROY LOCKHART...ORDER OF MERLIN
THIRD CLASS, HONORARY MEMBER OF THE DARK FORCE DEFENSE LEAGUE, AND FIVE-
TIME WINNER OF WITCH WEEKLY'S MOST-CHARMING-SMILE AWARD.
Day 1
Have had lovely afternoon signing autographs down in Diagon Alley, and now off to my FABULOUS new job as Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Have been practicing my smile for three days now...got to keep in shape for all the swooning young ladies!
Day 2
My first day as Professor. Let an entire cageful of Cornish Pixies out, just to see what would happen! Made a complete mess of things, it was ever so much fun. Also met up with adorable student named Granger...knows almost as much about me as I do! Shall have to keep her on my list of possibilities.
Keep getting letters from rather huffy representative of something called the
Lollipop League. Never joined such a group in my life and am certainly not going to pay their ridiculous "union fees". However, sent them several hundred complimentary signed photos of myself as a token of my esteem.
Day 5
SOOO much to do, haven't written in a while. So very difficult keeping up with my FABULOUS new schedule...classes to teach (or rather, enlighten students with passages from my published works), meetings to attend and wardrobes to put together every day! It's difficult, especially the excessive nancing, which is starting to make me dizzy at intervals.
On a better note, met up with very nice Master of Potions at the school...could swear he reminds me of someone...but then, don't they all? Bloody handsome and dead-sexy voice.
[Author's note: All this swot-foolery is really starting to grate on my nerves, if you follow me. I can totally see why Hogwarts hated Lockhart...just trying to think like him is starting to make me power gag. With your permission, I'm going to skip ahead a few days in his diary. Sorry, but it was either that or amuse myself by turning it into hardcore slash at Snape's expense *cue the smoky saxophone music*. I promise I'll put a funny twist at the end.]
Day 23
Had a lovely visit from yummy Potions Master and gave him a wonderful makeover. Seems the poor fellow wasn't really feeling up to snuff concerning his own wardrobe. But REALLY, what does he expect with such a monochromatic color scheme? Worked his color palette out and lent him some nice sparkly barrettes to accent whatever highlights there might be in his hair. I certainly didn't find any. Also snuck a bottle of shampoo into his pocket when he wasn't looking...my good deed for the day.
Filch's cat got somehow Petrified today...was onhand to help but of course no one wanted to bother me with fixing such a trifle. Very respectful people in this school.
Why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyway? Seems a bit fishy to me.
Day 27
Received a rather rude letter from mother, asking when I was going to stop beating about the bush, get the operation and change my name to "Glinda". Don't know what she's raving about. Never mentioned any such thing in my life.
Day 30
Got into a rather embarrassing conflict with Sevi over the lemon pepper crackers at dinner. Tried to explain that lemon and pepper are absolutely essential to maintaining my perfect complexion. Politely took them from him but he selfishly refused to give them up. Politely twisted his wrist round and knocked him on the floor. Scuffle ensued and he snatched the bowl up and tipped the crackers down the front of his robes. Suddenly didn't want them so much anymore.
Day 34
Really, I don't see why Sevi has to make it so very obvious, in front of students no less, that he finds me attractive. I quite understand why he feels this way, as I am clearly the best-looking teacher here. However, his creating a spectacle of himself, and making his denial painfully obvious by ignoring my owls and chasing after anything 15 and under in a school uniform is most distressing. I wonder if it really is cruel to shun him like this?
Day 36
Decided to cheer Sevi up by asking him to come shopping with me at Hogsmeade. Poor fellow was obviously terribly smitten with the offer...so affected, I'm afraid, that he had to cover it up by roughly pushing me out of a second-story window and taking off at a run after that little blonde- headed boy, Draco something. Most upset with myself for stringing him along in such a careless manner, but what can I do?
Day 39
Asked Sevi on a shopping excursion again and think he was able to overcome his shyness. Claimed he also needed to run errands, especially for chocolate syrup. Man must really like ice cream, seeing as he had several dozen Hershey coupons in his pocket.
Day 49
Shopping day tomorrow! Am thinking of taking Sevi to some of the nicer clothing stores and maybe get the poor bloke a decent wardrobe. Tried to get into his chambers and take some measurements for an absolutely smashing new tailor I found up on main street, but he said he was busy grading test papers. From what I could see through the keyhole, seemed he was also busy fondling a student-sized sweater. God only knows whose.
Day 50
Sevi doesn't know anything about anything. I look just FINE in yellow. Never been so mad in my life. Am totally not speaking to him. Feel a pout coming on. Off to have a good sulk in the teacher's lounge and a pint of Haagen-Daaz.
Day 66
Relented and forgave Sevi for his foolish comments...am quite sure he just blurted them out because he was envious. I can blame anyone for that, after all!
Offered to help him get his classes in order, since he seems to have such trouble handling his students. He got a bit shirty with me over this...obviously embarrassed that I should take such an interest in helping him after the yellow comment. But I always try to forgive people, no matter how they treat me.
Day 70
Decided to let Sevi make up for his faults by letting him be my assistant for my wonderfully exciting new Duo Club.
Day 71
Just had talk with Dumbledore and found out that wonderfully exciting new club was against school rules and state minor laws. Have relented and changed it to a Dueling Club.
Day 72
Had very exciting day concerning the Dueling Club. Was looking fabulous, as usual. Sevi a big help in making me look good for my students, though he seemed a little overzealous in the role of assistant. Had a minor problem with Potter boy and a snake, but I'm sure it will clear itself up very soon. In the meantime, must find exciting new way of styling hair so that the giant bump on back of head does not show...Sevi was a little too enthusiastic with his Disarming Spell. Likes to play rough, doesn't he?
DO wish these postcards would stop arriving for me! Have absolutely no need whatsoever for "Flying Monkey" insurance!
Day 80
Beginning to think some sort of problem going on at Hogwarts...couple unlucky chaps been turned to stone in one way or another. Am quite certain it will all blow over by the end of the year. In the meantime, have ever so many taped episodes of "Touched By an Angel" to catch up with!
Day 88
Am really getting tired of Sevi's constant bashfulness. Went completely out of my way to gave him a nice fruit basket (he was feeling poorly today) and the silly man was so overcome that he accidentally dropped it on my foot! Then he accidentally yanked my hat straight down over my head, turned me about and drop-kicked me out of his room. Not so sure I want to carry on a meaningful relationship with someone so very clumsy and accident- prone. Also would like to know why he has a collection of student cloaks on the peg behind his door.
Day 90
Just been asked by faculty to stop the Heir of Slytherin. Completely outraged. Never met such ridiculous, demanding people. Am quitting right now. Just have to run to the biffy and get my mudskipper loofah and will be done packing. Oops, someone at the door.
Later
Just met some very nice young boys! Seem to be in some sort of school. Hope this is my diary and not someone else's. Am covered in dirt and reptilian scales for some reason. Nice bearded man says I have to go away to get my memory back. Sounds like fun.
Day something
Remembered who I am! Nice little midget people in green came and got me from St. Mungo's last night and took me home to me true country. So very delighted to have my memories back, plus my pretty star-shaped wand. Having trouble with my awful sister in the West, but have decided to drop a house on her and get my sparkly slippers back. They go with the matching handbag, you see....
Day 1
Have had lovely afternoon signing autographs down in Diagon Alley, and now off to my FABULOUS new job as Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Have been practicing my smile for three days now...got to keep in shape for all the swooning young ladies!
Day 2
My first day as Professor. Let an entire cageful of Cornish Pixies out, just to see what would happen! Made a complete mess of things, it was ever so much fun. Also met up with adorable student named Granger...knows almost as much about me as I do! Shall have to keep her on my list of possibilities.
Keep getting letters from rather huffy representative of something called the
Lollipop League. Never joined such a group in my life and am certainly not going to pay their ridiculous "union fees". However, sent them several hundred complimentary signed photos of myself as a token of my esteem.
Day 5
SOOO much to do, haven't written in a while. So very difficult keeping up with my FABULOUS new schedule...classes to teach (or rather, enlighten students with passages from my published works), meetings to attend and wardrobes to put together every day! It's difficult, especially the excessive nancing, which is starting to make me dizzy at intervals.
On a better note, met up with very nice Master of Potions at the school...could swear he reminds me of someone...but then, don't they all? Bloody handsome and dead-sexy voice.
[Author's note: All this swot-foolery is really starting to grate on my nerves, if you follow me. I can totally see why Hogwarts hated Lockhart...just trying to think like him is starting to make me power gag. With your permission, I'm going to skip ahead a few days in his diary. Sorry, but it was either that or amuse myself by turning it into hardcore slash at Snape's expense *cue the smoky saxophone music*. I promise I'll put a funny twist at the end.]
Day 23
Had a lovely visit from yummy Potions Master and gave him a wonderful makeover. Seems the poor fellow wasn't really feeling up to snuff concerning his own wardrobe. But REALLY, what does he expect with such a monochromatic color scheme? Worked his color palette out and lent him some nice sparkly barrettes to accent whatever highlights there might be in his hair. I certainly didn't find any. Also snuck a bottle of shampoo into his pocket when he wasn't looking...my good deed for the day.
Filch's cat got somehow Petrified today...was onhand to help but of course no one wanted to bother me with fixing such a trifle. Very respectful people in this school.
Why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyway? Seems a bit fishy to me.
Day 27
Received a rather rude letter from mother, asking when I was going to stop beating about the bush, get the operation and change my name to "Glinda". Don't know what she's raving about. Never mentioned any such thing in my life.
Day 30
Got into a rather embarrassing conflict with Sevi over the lemon pepper crackers at dinner. Tried to explain that lemon and pepper are absolutely essential to maintaining my perfect complexion. Politely took them from him but he selfishly refused to give them up. Politely twisted his wrist round and knocked him on the floor. Scuffle ensued and he snatched the bowl up and tipped the crackers down the front of his robes. Suddenly didn't want them so much anymore.
Day 34
Really, I don't see why Sevi has to make it so very obvious, in front of students no less, that he finds me attractive. I quite understand why he feels this way, as I am clearly the best-looking teacher here. However, his creating a spectacle of himself, and making his denial painfully obvious by ignoring my owls and chasing after anything 15 and under in a school uniform is most distressing. I wonder if it really is cruel to shun him like this?
Day 36
Decided to cheer Sevi up by asking him to come shopping with me at Hogsmeade. Poor fellow was obviously terribly smitten with the offer...so affected, I'm afraid, that he had to cover it up by roughly pushing me out of a second-story window and taking off at a run after that little blonde- headed boy, Draco something. Most upset with myself for stringing him along in such a careless manner, but what can I do?
Day 39
Asked Sevi on a shopping excursion again and think he was able to overcome his shyness. Claimed he also needed to run errands, especially for chocolate syrup. Man must really like ice cream, seeing as he had several dozen Hershey coupons in his pocket.
Day 49
Shopping day tomorrow! Am thinking of taking Sevi to some of the nicer clothing stores and maybe get the poor bloke a decent wardrobe. Tried to get into his chambers and take some measurements for an absolutely smashing new tailor I found up on main street, but he said he was busy grading test papers. From what I could see through the keyhole, seemed he was also busy fondling a student-sized sweater. God only knows whose.
Day 50
Sevi doesn't know anything about anything. I look just FINE in yellow. Never been so mad in my life. Am totally not speaking to him. Feel a pout coming on. Off to have a good sulk in the teacher's lounge and a pint of Haagen-Daaz.
Day 66
Relented and forgave Sevi for his foolish comments...am quite sure he just blurted them out because he was envious. I can blame anyone for that, after all!
Offered to help him get his classes in order, since he seems to have such trouble handling his students. He got a bit shirty with me over this...obviously embarrassed that I should take such an interest in helping him after the yellow comment. But I always try to forgive people, no matter how they treat me.
Day 70
Decided to let Sevi make up for his faults by letting him be my assistant for my wonderfully exciting new Duo Club.
Day 71
Just had talk with Dumbledore and found out that wonderfully exciting new club was against school rules and state minor laws. Have relented and changed it to a Dueling Club.
Day 72
Had very exciting day concerning the Dueling Club. Was looking fabulous, as usual. Sevi a big help in making me look good for my students, though he seemed a little overzealous in the role of assistant. Had a minor problem with Potter boy and a snake, but I'm sure it will clear itself up very soon. In the meantime, must find exciting new way of styling hair so that the giant bump on back of head does not show...Sevi was a little too enthusiastic with his Disarming Spell. Likes to play rough, doesn't he?
DO wish these postcards would stop arriving for me! Have absolutely no need whatsoever for "Flying Monkey" insurance!
Day 80
Beginning to think some sort of problem going on at Hogwarts...couple unlucky chaps been turned to stone in one way or another. Am quite certain it will all blow over by the end of the year. In the meantime, have ever so many taped episodes of "Touched By an Angel" to catch up with!
Day 88
Am really getting tired of Sevi's constant bashfulness. Went completely out of my way to gave him a nice fruit basket (he was feeling poorly today) and the silly man was so overcome that he accidentally dropped it on my foot! Then he accidentally yanked my hat straight down over my head, turned me about and drop-kicked me out of his room. Not so sure I want to carry on a meaningful relationship with someone so very clumsy and accident- prone. Also would like to know why he has a collection of student cloaks on the peg behind his door.
Day 90
Just been asked by faculty to stop the Heir of Slytherin. Completely outraged. Never met such ridiculous, demanding people. Am quitting right now. Just have to run to the biffy and get my mudskipper loofah and will be done packing. Oops, someone at the door.
Later
Just met some very nice young boys! Seem to be in some sort of school. Hope this is my diary and not someone else's. Am covered in dirt and reptilian scales for some reason. Nice bearded man says I have to go away to get my memory back. Sounds like fun.
Day something
Remembered who I am! Nice little midget people in green came and got me from St. Mungo's last night and took me home to me true country. So very delighted to have my memories back, plus my pretty star-shaped wand. Having trouble with my awful sister in the West, but have decided to drop a house on her and get my sparkly slippers back. They go with the matching handbag, you see....