Chapter 12

"Heart of Doubts"

"Look.. Maybe we should take a break." He proposed.

"What?!" She asked in disbelief.

She couldn't believe he said those words out loud. Those forbidden words broke them apart in the past and now that they had just started rebuilding their relationship again, was it necessary for him to use those words? What did he mean by 'taking a break' anyway? Was he trying to break up with her? She wondered.

Seeing the horror on her face, he silently chastised himself from using the wrong words for what he was intended to say. He sighed before coming closer to her and grabbed both of her hands into his, feeling a little bit relieved when she allowed him to.

"No. Not that kind of a break." Hell no, he wasn't going to try repeating history - not even in his craziest mind. "We can't talk like this." He started to explain. "We'll end up hurting each other's feelings and it will not end well."

Both of them were a strong-willing type of person and they were fully aware of that. They stood on their ground on what they believed. So in fights like this, usually it was hard for either of them to give in. This time, he knew it wasn't about winning an argument against her, but what he really wanted was for her to hear him out. And he knew she couldn't do it right now. Not when she was this angry.

She hated to admit it, but he was right. Nothing good came out from a heated argument, they, out of all people, should've known it better. It was what broke them apart in the first place after all.

Especially now when what they fought about was money. It was a very delicate topic to discuss between a couple and it could have ended ugly just like today and he hadn't even brought out his main concern yet. They really needed to cool off before bringing this delicate subject out in the open again.

"So, what? We're pushing a pause button or something?" She asked to avoid any kind of misunderstanding.

"Uh-huh." He nodded. "Let's clear our mind first and when we're ready we'll continue this conversation."

"Okay." She replied in a small voice.

Tears were streaming down from her eyes at that point. She was really exhausted both physically and emotionally today. She thought they were going to have a great night now that the kids weren't around. But instead, all she got was a fight.

His face softened when he saw her crying like this. Realizing how upset she was, that moment he knew he must've hurt her feelings accidentally.

He knew how important it was for them to discuss this issue, but could he not make her cry and hurt her feelings in the process? He asked himself that question.

The answer was obvious. Of course he could.

He could always say it nicely, but instead he didn't. Looking at how upset she was, he immediately regretted how he approached this matter. She was only trying to be nice by buying his son clothes - a child that wasn't even hers, but instead of getting a thank you, she got an earful.

He finally realized how an ass he was.

He pulled her into a hug and gently stroked her back, already feeling really bad for yelling at her before.

"Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. That's never my intention." He said softly. "Please stop crying." He hated seeing her crying, especially if it was him who caused her to cry. He broke their hug off and wiped her tears away with his thumb. "I'm so sorry."

She sniffled and looked at him with her now red and teary eyes. "I had a really bad day at work and the last thing I need today is for you to start being an ass."

Now that made Ross feel even worse. He had just made her bad day much worse.

"Come here." He said as he opened his arms for her. She enveloped him into another hug and rested her head on his chest. He kissed her forehead as his hands continued to stroke her back soothingly. "You want to talk about it?"

She looked up and shook her head. "No. But I need a jar of vanilla ice cream." She said. "The good one." She pointed it out, referring to the ice cream she had bought in case of an emergency. Well, more like an emotional kind of emergency.

He chuckled softly and brushed a strand of her hair away. "Okay." He said. "Just wait here. I'll go get it for you."

She sat on the sofa and he gave her a kiss on her forehead before he went into the kitchen.

As soon as he left, she rested her head on the couch and she buried her face with her hands. Good thing Ross called a break from their arguments. If they didn't, they would probably end up saying something they would regret after.

"Here's your ice cream, your highness." Ross playfully said as he handed her the ice cream and a couple of spoons.

"Thank you." She let out a smile. "Come here." She said, motioning him to sit next to her.

He propped himself next to her and they shared an ice cream together.

"Hey, honey?"

"Mmm?"

"Thank you for being so sweet to Ben." He finally said what was on his mind after feeling like he was being ungrateful for what she had done for his son. "I really appreciated it and I'm really sorry about how I acted a while ago."

That was it. That was all she needed to hear today. Not a scolding, not an earful about her shopping habit, but this. A simple thank you.

"It's okay." She let out a small smile knowing how bad he must've felt from the way he looked at her. "But let's not talk about that tonight."

"Okay." He said as he put his arm around her shoulder.

She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed.

This was a really long day indeed.

It had been a few days after their fight and they both still haven't talked about the issue yet. The next morning was pretty awkward for the couple, but with time things were getting normal again.

Ross was having a hard time thinking on how to start the conversation again without making her angry or even worse, hurt her feelings. He needed to say the right words in order for her to understand his concern and that his intention wasn't bad at all.

He only wanted them to have a secure and planned future. He was the type of person who loved the idea of stability and in order for their family to have that, they needed to have solid savings to support their family needs. Though his salary was enough to feed his entire family, it still wouldn't be enough for what he had planned for them in the future.

He wanted them to buy a house in the future. It was something he had in his mind when he thought about starting a family with her and she knew that. She knew about his plan and truthfully she really loved his plan for their family. After all, Ben and Emma couldn't share a room forever. As they grew older, they would need their own space.

That was why this conversation was very important for Ross. He needed her to be on board with his ideas.

After a few considerations, Ross decided that tonight would be a great time for Ross and Rachel to have the talk. Ben would be staying at Ross' parents for the weekend, so they would only have Emma with them and Emma usually slept around 7 pm, allowing them to have enough time to talk.

Ross was currently dropping Ben off to his parents' house borrowing Monica's Porsche with him.

They needed a car now that Ross thought about it. It was convenient for them to travel with two kids using a car rather than a public transportation such as train or cab. Now that was another reason why he needed to have the talk with her sooner than later.

"Oh, here he is. My one and only grandson." Judy gave Ben a hug as they showed up at her front door.

Jack and Judy were finally able to spend more time with their grandson after missing most of it for the last eight years. That was why sometimes even Jack forgot that he had another grandchild other than Emma. He barely saw the boy. They were lucky enough if Ben would visit them more than twice a year.

"Nana!" Ben quickly gave his grandma a hug.

"Come on in, your grandpa is waiting for you in the backyard." Judy said as she let them in.

Ben was feeling so eager about the idea of spending the weekend with his grandparents. Judy and Jack did spoil the boy a lot, it sometimes caused arguments between Ross and them.

As soon as Ben put his bag in front of the entrance he quickly ran off toward the backyard. Today, Jack had promised to teach him some soccer tricks, and he was so excited about it. Judy smiled at Ben's eagerness. She was glad nothing was awkward between them even though they hadn't spent much time with Ben that much in the past.

"Do you want some tea?" Judy asked. "I have something to ask you."

Ross took a peek at his watch and nodded. He still had an hour or so before Rachel came back from her mother's house. "Okay."

The son and his mother were now sitting in the living room with a huge glass door separating them from the backyard where Ben and Jack were playing soccer. Ross had to chuckle when he saw his dad was trying his hardest to show off in front of Ben. Instead of teaching Ben new tricks however, the old man failed miserably every time Ben passed him the ball. It looked like it was Ben who taught Jack how to play soccer.

Judy smiled watching her son beaming proudly at his son.

"I'm glad he's doing okay." Judy said, which caused Ross to avert his attention back to his mom.

Ross nodded and smiled. "Yeah, me too." There was one person on his mind that helped Ben get through those horrible times, maybe more than himself and thinking about her already made his day better. "Rachel helps us a lot."

"I've heard." Judy smiled. "So, how's the thing between you and Rachel?"

Ross couldn't help but think about the fight they had a few days ago. They were going to be okay, right? He asked himself that question.

"We're doing okay." Ross said as part of himself would like to believe that too.

"Ross, darling.." Judy softly said as she took her son's hands into hers. "I don't want to meddle with your relationship or anything. But, are you sure you guys can handle this relationship?" She asked. "I mean, you don't want to put your kids in the middle of a messy break up, honey. Trust me, you don't." Judy warned Ross.

A marriage was hard and Judy Geller knew better. Her marriage with Jack was considered successful for most people, but they didn't know what happened between the couple behind the curtain. They engaged in serious fights numerous times before, some of it even almost ended in a divorce. But eventually they made it to their 35th wedding anniversary just last year. It was a huge accomplishment for them and it didn't come easy.

Knowing Ross and Rachel's history, it was normal for her as Ross' mother to question them. It didn't mean that she hated the idea of Rachel dating his son, it was the opposite of that. She was thrilled about the idea of Rachel as her daughter-in-law. Rachel was the perfect woman for Ross and she knew it the first time Ross brought her home many years ago and introduced her as his girlfriend. So when she heard about Rachel's pregnancy, she was happy thinking how this may be the time when his son and Rachel would get back together. But then, her worries appeared as Ben was in the picture.

The last thing she needed was for Ben to lose another mother if things went sideway between Ross and Rachel. It might leave a huge scar on the boy's heart and she was afraid of the consequences it might bring. The boy had been through enough already.

His mother's words certainly made Ross think. He never thought about that before since he was so confident about his relationship with Rachel. But when his own mother started to question him and added to the fight he had with Rachel recently, his heart started to fill with doubts.

Were they making a mistake by getting back together? Should they end their relationship and sacrifice their happiness for the sake of their children?

Not wanting his mom to be aware of his worries, he replied with a smile. "Don't worry about us, mom. Trust me, that's the last thing we wanted to happen."

And he was telling the truth. Their children were their priority and it would always stay that way.

Judy gave him a warm smile and a squeeze on his hand. "Well, then I'm happy for you both. I love her, Ross. I think she would make a great mom for Ben." Judy wholeheartedly said.

Ross smiled back at her words. Rachel was already being a great mom for Emma and he knew better than anyone that she was going to be a great mom for Ben too.

"Thanks mom." He then looked at his watch and stood up. "I have to go now. Thanks for taking care of Ben."

With that, Ross left after saying goodbye to his parents and Ben. Through the whole ride back home, his head was filled with his doubts. Sure, their relationship came with a huge risk. But again, which relationship didn't come with a risk?

Yes, they did have an awful break up years ago. But that was when they were both still young and stupid and now it was different, right?

His head was filled with so many things, it gave him a headache. And there's the talk he still needed to do with her which petrified him even more.

He knew he wanted this. He just knew it.

But were the risks worth it? He asked that question over and over again until he reached home.

Ross came back home and he was greeted by the two girls he loved the most in this world both fell asleep on the couch with Emma laying on top of Rachel's chest as Rachel's arm cradled the baby securely.

Just like that he found the answer he was looking for.

The risks might be getting bigger for them now more than ever, but so did the rewards.

How could he even have doubts about their relationship when it was her he was having the relationship with? She was his dream. His love of his life. More importantly, she was the mother of their child. How could he even think about giving up on her?

He must've been out of his mind, he thought.

He closed the door behind him as he slowly made his way toward two angels who were sleeping on his couch. Ross always thought that Emma was a spitting image of Rachel. She was gorgeous and it was all Rachel's. Seeing them sleeping peacefully like that brought up an overwhelming amount of happiness into his heart.

They were his two favorite girls and he knew all he wanted was for him to be able witness this magical moment a lot more in the future. He was sure of that. He wanted this to work. He wanted to have her forever and he was willing to fight for it no matter how hard it would be. For he was confident that this was it for them.

This was their happy ending.

Ross carefully gave each of his girls a kiss on their forehead. As if Rachel could sense his presence, she smiled in her sleep. Ross' heart was full at the moment, full with the amount of love he had for his family. He then threw a blanket over his girls carefully before he cleaned himself up and took a bath.

A few hours later, Emma was already asleep in her room and it was finally time for the couple to have the conversation. They were sitting on the sofa, watching some TV show.

"Can we talk now?" Ross said.

She nodded and turned the TV off. "Okay." She then sat facing him.

"First of all, I want to say how sorry I am for how I approached this subject that night. I shouldn't jump on you just like that." Ross started. "I never want to hurt your feelings or blame you for anything at all. That's never my intention." Ross explained.

She smiled and nodded. She realized that it really wasn't his intention and she might also have overreacted that day. "That's okay, Ross. I know you didn't mean to hurt me."

"Good." Ross said, giving her knee a gentle squeeze. "Where do you see us in the future?" Ross asked after a while and it wasn't the question Rachel was preparing for. "Let's say in five years. Where do you see us in five years?"

Rachel contemplated her answer carefully. Where did she see themselves in five years?

Well, they would probably be married by then, right? I mean Ross loved marriages, she was sure of that. And Emma would be six by then. Would they have another kid by then? She always wanted to have a huge family with a lot of children and they did make a beautiful child together. So, why not?

"Uhmm.. Let's see.." She began. "We're probably married if you ever gonna propose." They smiled at each other as it was the first time that they brought up the topic of marriage into their table. It looked like they were having the same thought about it. They both saw a marriage in their future. "And maybe we will live in a house just like you always wanted." She said, referring to their talk over Scarsdale many years ago.

She was having doubts about saying the next thing she had in her mind.

More kids.

They never talked about this before. Ross loved being a father and she was aware of that. But Ross already had two children of his own, he might have thought it was enough. She, on the other hand, wanted to have at least one more child with Ross. She loved the idea of giving Emma a little sibling one day.

She looked down and started to fiddle with her fingers nervously. "... and maybe more kids?"

Ross had to smile seeing her talking about more kids in their future. That showed him how much she loved the idea of being a mother and it brought a smile on his face. He also liked the idea of having another kid, especially with her.

"Yeah?" He asked, a smile crept out from his face.

She looked at him and smiled somewhat bashfully. "Uh-hmm."

"Well, I have to say that wasn't a bad idea at all." He said with a smile which made her smile grow wider knowing they both had the same vision over their future. "I'd like for that to come true." Ross said. "But, in order for that to happen, do you know what we need?"

"A ring?" She asked innocently which caused him to chuckle.

Well, she wasn't wrong. But that wasn't what he was talking about.

"Other than that, sweetie." He sweetly said. "We need to save some money." Ross continued as Rachel was listening to him. "If we want to build a future together, we need to start saving for the future. For the house we dream about, for the future kids we both wanted, and for their education. It cost a lot of money, Rach." He took her hand into his. "And I'm not saying that you should stop doing what you love for it. You still can do what you love to do, just try to be wiser about spending your money. I need us to be disciplined by sparing a few portions of our salary and putting it on our savings. On our future." He explained.

Now that he put it that way, he was right. They needed to be prepared for their future and she was glad he was there to remind her about these kinds of things. She did have savings that she kept for them, but she had to admit, it wasn't that much. And if they were going to build a future together, she wanted to be part of it. She didn't want to burden him financially just because they were together now.

"Okay." She said. "I get what you're saying and let's do that."

"Yeah?" He asked gleefully.

This was going a lot easier than he thought.

"Uh-hmm." She smiled and tapped his hand gently. "I want to do this together with you, Ross. I want a future with you."

Now he was sure more than ever about their relationship. Her reaction just showed him how much they've changed as an individual. They weren't the same Ross and Rachel who broke up years ago.

They were more mature now both as an adult and as parents.

He was confident that no matter how hard it would get, he was willing to fight for them. It didn't matter if he bled along the way or if they came out battered in bruises as long as they did their best to keep this relationship going. He was ready for the risks.

They went through hell last year as friends. If they could get through that only as a friend, as a couple they could do a whole lot more than that.

He also realized, their kids weren't a burden for their relationship. Instead, Emma and Ben were the reason for them to fight harder and conquer their problems. Their kids were the glue that kept them stuck together as a family.

"Just promise me something." She added.

"What?"

"Promise me that no matter how nasty our fights will be in the future, don't ever bail on us." She said seriously. "Don't leave in the middle of a fight." She said. "Just don't."

She silently let him know that she was talking about that dreadful night where their relationship hit rock bottom. The night where they both made a mistake they regretted, but couldn't ever take back.

The break up night.

That night could end differently if he didn't just go home just like that. He knew it, but he never admitted it in front of other people. It would break him apart even more knowing that he played a big role in their break up.

Though she admitted to him during the talk they had one night after they got back together that their break up was her fault too, he still thought it was mostly his. He learnt a lot from his mistake and now he wouldn't let himself make the same mistake again.

"Yeah, I promise. Never bail on us." He said. "We're done being stupid."

She shed a few tears and nodded. "I want this, Ross. This is exactly where I want to be. This is it, okay?"

"This is it." He confirmed. "And I promise I'll never let you go again."

"Great." She smiled and wiped her tears. "Come here, you." She opened her arms for him.

He enveloped her into a hug and they kissed.

"I love you so much." He said as he stared straight into her blue eyes.

She sighed in satisfaction before smiling lovingly at him. "I love you so much too, honey."

Knowing for sure that this was what they both wanted, he suggested. "And I think we should let Ben know."

She smiled. "We should."

A/N

I just had to add some quotes from the finale. It was the episode where they both finally gave in to their feelings and I just found it really moving.

Okay, so I need you guys' opinion on this. I can easily end this story in the next two chapters or I can continue this story until the end of season ten or maybe more. If a lot of you think that I should continue the story, I'm probably going to be focusing on the show's plot and the differences it would make if Ross and Rachel were together. Maybe their trip to Barbados or even how they would handle Paris eventually. Basically something like that.

So.. What do you think? Should I end it or should I continue?

Please tell me your opinion in the comment section. Thank you