A/N: I'm baaaack!!!! Yes, it is I, Ash. Fear me, for I am hyper. Laker
fans, beware. I am a huge Spurs fan, and I'm bound to trash Shaq and Kobe.
Chapter 5 (I think…): In Which the Green Mist Renews Its Contract and Jon Nearly Dies of Smashing Pumpkin Overdose
The-Everlasting-Know-it-All Author, Ash Kinsa, was just finishing reading the last two chapter that her co-Everlasting-Know-it-All author SUGARandSPICE had just put up. At this point, she was gasping from laughing so hard at the chapters that her friend has written after the long awaited Military Ball. Then, when she came to the end, she gasped for a different reason.
*Gasp* "They're playing poker without the rest of the gang!!! This can not go on without intervention!!!" So she and her Everlasting-Know-it-All goodyness started typing rapidly on the keyboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Bethanie tried very hard to stifle a laugh. Patrick had to have the worst poker face in the world. Even though they were only betting with the colored marshmallows that Mrs. Kaupurt had so foolishly left for the girls to get VERY hyper
on,(The Kaupurts still didn't know that Patrick had arrived. Also, the time in Tortall goes about ten times as fast as the real world's ((in this fic at least))) Bethanie didn't take the chance. She would stash the marshmallows in her bag to use as favor buyers for her teenage brothers.
Patrick, on the other hand, didn't really care if his poker face was terrible or not. He had just gotten a rare Royal Flush. Just as he was about to set it down, the Star Wars Theme starts to play, and a disembodied voice in the background says, "RETURN OF THE GREEN MIST!!!"
Half a second later, they were right between King Jonathan of Conte and Liz as they were about to duel.
Intermission
You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.
End of Intermission
Go back a few moments before the last scene
Not for the first time in the past few days, Rosalind sighed. Liz had sure done it this time. She had called Jon quite a few things that she was not about to repeat even in front of Dennis Rodman. The nicest of them would have made him blush.
Liz wasn't the only problem. Ash had nearly spliced her head off when Kel had foolishly let her hold her glaive, almost let out the Royal Menagerie when she bumped into a bird cage that set off the domino effect, and she and Liz scared the entire palace when they screamed Bloody Murder at a maid who had come to fit them for dresses. (A/N We really hate dresses with a passion). Maura had annoyed everybody half to death with all her questions about the truth of Tamora's books. (Neal and other philosophers were baffled, because they knew all the famous historians, and none of them ever had heard of an author by the name of "Pierce".) Jayde wasn't as bad; she had at least made friends while pestering the ladies about their fashion sense.
Despite how much they wreaked havoc, Lydia had to take the cake. She had, for no apparent reason, started reciting the entire Sweet Valley High series of books at a banquet. After doing so, she shoved to carrots in her nose and ran around the tables screaming at the top of her lungs "Look at me! I'm a made up thing called a what-cha-ma-doodle! They live at the funny farm, with birds and flowers and chirping birds with basket weavers who sit and twiddle their toes and thumbs, AND THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY! HA- HA! TO THE HAPPY HOME-" after this, Liz and Ash got up from the table and ran around singing the words to the song "The Funny Farm". This is how the song goes:
The Funny Farm
Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...
You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see
I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!
You thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said
that loosing you would make me flip my lid.. RIGHT???
I know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed you laughed and
laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad... And..
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back
for all my kind unselfish loving deeds.. Huh??
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you
in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!! And...
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy
to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming
to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time... (fade out)
Rosalind replayed these memories as Liz was getting ready to duel King Jon. They were about to start, when three familiar figures and a card table landed between the King and Liz. Ashley was the first to react.
"AHH!!! NO!!!! THE MALE-CHAUVINIST PIG STRIKES BACK!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" After this spiel, she commenced running around the practice courts while waving her hands in the air, all the while repeating "We're all gonna die!!!" over and over again. While this is happening, the Imperial March from Star Wars starts to play. Ashley did this until she realized that people were staring at her so she quietly sat down, nervously looked around the small assembly in the practice courts, then muttered, "Well, it's true!"
By this time, the author was satisfied. She decided that her defenseless characters had been tortured enough, so she decided to rid them of the male chauvinist pig. Then, a thought struck her. She smiled, rubbed her hands together, and typed to her hearts content.
Without warning, the PHANTOM GREEN MIST came and struck- to everyone's relief. The card table, Bethany, Emily, and the Male Chauvinist Pig were gone too. The only thing left of them was Patrick's Royal Flush.
Everybody sighed in unison. But the peace was short lived, because Liz and Jon had just remembered that they were supposed to duel. So with her war cry, Liz attacked, even though Rosalind hadn't gotten the chance to show her how to hold a sword. (A/N Rosalind fences in real life and in this fic.)
"SMASHING PUMPKINS!!!" Liz yelled, and charged at Jon. He simply moved aside as she ran into a brick wall.
"Ow, ********************************************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she exclaimed. Jon was about to go heal her, when she came back with renewed vigor. She hacked and hacked at Jon, and he couldn't stop her blows.
Now before you start to question how a twelve year old clueless fencer was beating a full fledged knight and king of a huge realm? Simple. She was also switching between yelling curses and belting out off key Smashing Pumpkin songs. (A/N Smashing Pumpkins were an alternative rock band.)
"MY REFLECTION!!! DIRTY MIRROR!!! THERE'S NO CONNECTION, TO MYSELF!!! I'M YOUR ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "*************************", "I FEEL LIKE I AM ORIDINARY, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY!!!", "***************************", and so on and so forth.
"NO!!!" Jon shrieked.
At this point in time, our wonderful author kept trying to get the GREEN MIST to come save the day. She would have gotten Jon or Liz carted off, but the GREEN MIST refused to go because his contract was up. Sorry folks, but things might get icky.
He was getting weaker and weaker as her cursing/singing/shouting went on. At last, he screamed like a girl and fainted. Liz had cracked her head when she ran into the wall, and she had just now noticed.
"Oh, my head is bleeding enough to kill me or make me completely brain dead," she said in a dazed manner. "I'll probably faint any min-" she fell into a heap and green mist swirled around her and she disappeared.
Nobody said or did anything for about two seconds. Then Maura boldly went up to Jon and picked up his hand for maybe a second at the longest, then let it drop.
"He dead." She said with no emotion.
"NO!!!" Jayde yelled. "NOT JON!!! NOT THE HOT, POWERFUL, RICH, ARROGANT AND OTHERWISE WONDERFUL JON!!!" Jayde ran up to him and started to sob. "WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD!!!"
"Just kidding Jayde." Maura said before she and the whole assembly (excluding Thayet) burst into hysterical laughter.
Fortunately for Jayde, the laughter turned to Lydia when Lydia burst out in a preppy voice "HAHA! You like, like Jon. That is SOOOO lame. I mean, like Roger was so much hotter…" Although everyone was laughing at Lydia, she had no shame.
Unfortunately for Jayde, Jon had woken up during her spiel.
"OH!!! I didn't mean it! I mean…"
"You really like me?" Jon asked her, truly curious.
"Well... yeah…"
"Wanna get hitched?" he inquired.
"But I thought you were married."
Thayet barged in "YES MAM, HE IS!!!"
"Oh well, to bad Thayet. I'm the king; I can do what ever I want. I'm not married to you anymore. I'm marrying Jayde."
"HOLD IT FOLKS!!!" Rosalind said as she and Ash made their way over to the group.
"You, Jayde, cannot get married." Rosalind said sternly.
"Why not?"
"Because, you're too young, and you have to go to the dance with (insert Jayde's Military Ball Date)." Ashley said.
"*gasp* You're right!!! I'm sorry Jon, but I can't marry you. Maybe some other time…"
"That's ok. But whenever you change your mind…" Thayet promptly whacked him and glared daggers at him. "Uh, I mean, yes, yes dearie, your escort must be very excited to have such a girl like you for a date." Thayet was still glaring, but she looked a bit more satisfied.
Lydia came out into the group and announced, "Well, now that's over with, who wants to hear me recite the entire 'Sweet Valley High' books?" Maura, Ashley, Rosalind, and Jayde said in perfect unison "NO!!!"
"Oh, too bad. You're going to listen anyway. Chapter one-"
As luck would have it, the author got the GREEN MIST to renew his contract and he immediately came to save the day. But he had just gotten back from his Union coffee break and was a bit hyper from all the caffeine. Because of this, he accidentally sent Jayde back with Lydia and Liz. Hey, you can't expect an elusive mist to get everything right.
Back to the past. Most of the people had left the practice courts, and the only ones left where our crazy San Antonians and Alanna, Jon, Neal, Numair, Kel and George.
"Well…that was…interesting." Neal commented.
"No kidding," Maura said, "The only way this could get possibly weirder would be to have Shaquille O'Neal to land in front of us."
"Who's that?" Neal inquired.
"He's the showoff center for the L.A. Lakers. Why, what I wouldn't give to rip him to shreds…"
The author smiled menacingly. "As you wish." she muttered as she typed.
2.5 seconds after her comment, Shaq himself appeared in front of them, with a Whopper in his mouth. He started to choke from the impact of landing. Alanna moved to help him, but Ashley and Maura help her back.
"DON'T!!!" They yelled in unison.
"Let him choke on his Whopper!" Maura whispered in her ear.
The author had pity on him, so she decided to get the green mist to send him to the San Antonio Zoo to be a part of the hippopotamus exhibit.
"Aw…shucks. I wanted to get my wish. At least he was choking on a Whopper…"
"Silence, insolent children!" Jon boomed. "You are wreaking havoc in Corus. You must somehow get back to where you came from. Numair, what have you found?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"NO!!! NOT FAIR!!!" Jon then throws himself on the floor and starts to have a temper tantrum.
"I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!"
"Uh, right Jon," Alanna told the monarch in an abrupt manner "Why don't you all go to Pirates' Swoop with George and me. By that time, maybe the King will have…settled down a bit."
"OK." Rosalind said on behalf of the other two.
"Sounds like fun." Ashley said.
"Aw…but I still wanna rip Shaq to shreds. In an instant, the GREEN MIST enveloped her and the next moment, she was at the S.A. Zoo with a chain saw in hand.
"Oh goody…"
There were now six people at the card table. They were trying to decide if they should play Russian Roulette or Strip Poker.
I apologize to Shaq and all ya'll Laker fans. I got a bit carried away, but this was after the 5/13/02 game in S.A.
Review!
Chapter 5 (I think…): In Which the Green Mist Renews Its Contract and Jon Nearly Dies of Smashing Pumpkin Overdose
The-Everlasting-Know-it-All Author, Ash Kinsa, was just finishing reading the last two chapter that her co-Everlasting-Know-it-All author SUGARandSPICE had just put up. At this point, she was gasping from laughing so hard at the chapters that her friend has written after the long awaited Military Ball. Then, when she came to the end, she gasped for a different reason.
*Gasp* "They're playing poker without the rest of the gang!!! This can not go on without intervention!!!" So she and her Everlasting-Know-it-All goodyness started typing rapidly on the keyboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Bethanie tried very hard to stifle a laugh. Patrick had to have the worst poker face in the world. Even though they were only betting with the colored marshmallows that Mrs. Kaupurt had so foolishly left for the girls to get VERY hyper
on,(The Kaupurts still didn't know that Patrick had arrived. Also, the time in Tortall goes about ten times as fast as the real world's ((in this fic at least))) Bethanie didn't take the chance. She would stash the marshmallows in her bag to use as favor buyers for her teenage brothers.
Patrick, on the other hand, didn't really care if his poker face was terrible or not. He had just gotten a rare Royal Flush. Just as he was about to set it down, the Star Wars Theme starts to play, and a disembodied voice in the background says, "RETURN OF THE GREEN MIST!!!"
Half a second later, they were right between King Jonathan of Conte and Liz as they were about to duel.
Intermission
You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.
End of Intermission
Go back a few moments before the last scene
Not for the first time in the past few days, Rosalind sighed. Liz had sure done it this time. She had called Jon quite a few things that she was not about to repeat even in front of Dennis Rodman. The nicest of them would have made him blush.
Liz wasn't the only problem. Ash had nearly spliced her head off when Kel had foolishly let her hold her glaive, almost let out the Royal Menagerie when she bumped into a bird cage that set off the domino effect, and she and Liz scared the entire palace when they screamed Bloody Murder at a maid who had come to fit them for dresses. (A/N We really hate dresses with a passion). Maura had annoyed everybody half to death with all her questions about the truth of Tamora's books. (Neal and other philosophers were baffled, because they knew all the famous historians, and none of them ever had heard of an author by the name of "Pierce".) Jayde wasn't as bad; she had at least made friends while pestering the ladies about their fashion sense.
Despite how much they wreaked havoc, Lydia had to take the cake. She had, for no apparent reason, started reciting the entire Sweet Valley High series of books at a banquet. After doing so, she shoved to carrots in her nose and ran around the tables screaming at the top of her lungs "Look at me! I'm a made up thing called a what-cha-ma-doodle! They live at the funny farm, with birds and flowers and chirping birds with basket weavers who sit and twiddle their toes and thumbs, AND THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY! HA- HA! TO THE HAPPY HOME-" after this, Liz and Ash got up from the table and ran around singing the words to the song "The Funny Farm". This is how the song goes:
The Funny Farm
Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...
You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see
I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!
You thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said
that loosing you would make me flip my lid.. RIGHT???
I know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed you laughed and
laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad... And..
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back
for all my kind unselfish loving deeds.. Huh??
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you
in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!! And...
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy
to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming
to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time... (fade out)
Rosalind replayed these memories as Liz was getting ready to duel King Jon. They were about to start, when three familiar figures and a card table landed between the King and Liz. Ashley was the first to react.
"AHH!!! NO!!!! THE MALE-CHAUVINIST PIG STRIKES BACK!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" After this spiel, she commenced running around the practice courts while waving her hands in the air, all the while repeating "We're all gonna die!!!" over and over again. While this is happening, the Imperial March from Star Wars starts to play. Ashley did this until she realized that people were staring at her so she quietly sat down, nervously looked around the small assembly in the practice courts, then muttered, "Well, it's true!"
By this time, the author was satisfied. She decided that her defenseless characters had been tortured enough, so she decided to rid them of the male chauvinist pig. Then, a thought struck her. She smiled, rubbed her hands together, and typed to her hearts content.
Without warning, the PHANTOM GREEN MIST came and struck- to everyone's relief. The card table, Bethany, Emily, and the Male Chauvinist Pig were gone too. The only thing left of them was Patrick's Royal Flush.
Everybody sighed in unison. But the peace was short lived, because Liz and Jon had just remembered that they were supposed to duel. So with her war cry, Liz attacked, even though Rosalind hadn't gotten the chance to show her how to hold a sword. (A/N Rosalind fences in real life and in this fic.)
"SMASHING PUMPKINS!!!" Liz yelled, and charged at Jon. He simply moved aside as she ran into a brick wall.
"Ow, ********************************************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she exclaimed. Jon was about to go heal her, when she came back with renewed vigor. She hacked and hacked at Jon, and he couldn't stop her blows.
Now before you start to question how a twelve year old clueless fencer was beating a full fledged knight and king of a huge realm? Simple. She was also switching between yelling curses and belting out off key Smashing Pumpkin songs. (A/N Smashing Pumpkins were an alternative rock band.)
"MY REFLECTION!!! DIRTY MIRROR!!! THERE'S NO CONNECTION, TO MYSELF!!! I'M YOUR ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "*************************", "I FEEL LIKE I AM ORIDINARY, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY!!!", "***************************", and so on and so forth.
"NO!!!" Jon shrieked.
At this point in time, our wonderful author kept trying to get the GREEN MIST to come save the day. She would have gotten Jon or Liz carted off, but the GREEN MIST refused to go because his contract was up. Sorry folks, but things might get icky.
He was getting weaker and weaker as her cursing/singing/shouting went on. At last, he screamed like a girl and fainted. Liz had cracked her head when she ran into the wall, and she had just now noticed.
"Oh, my head is bleeding enough to kill me or make me completely brain dead," she said in a dazed manner. "I'll probably faint any min-" she fell into a heap and green mist swirled around her and she disappeared.
Nobody said or did anything for about two seconds. Then Maura boldly went up to Jon and picked up his hand for maybe a second at the longest, then let it drop.
"He dead." She said with no emotion.
"NO!!!" Jayde yelled. "NOT JON!!! NOT THE HOT, POWERFUL, RICH, ARROGANT AND OTHERWISE WONDERFUL JON!!!" Jayde ran up to him and started to sob. "WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD!!!"
"Just kidding Jayde." Maura said before she and the whole assembly (excluding Thayet) burst into hysterical laughter.
Fortunately for Jayde, the laughter turned to Lydia when Lydia burst out in a preppy voice "HAHA! You like, like Jon. That is SOOOO lame. I mean, like Roger was so much hotter…" Although everyone was laughing at Lydia, she had no shame.
Unfortunately for Jayde, Jon had woken up during her spiel.
"OH!!! I didn't mean it! I mean…"
"You really like me?" Jon asked her, truly curious.
"Well... yeah…"
"Wanna get hitched?" he inquired.
"But I thought you were married."
Thayet barged in "YES MAM, HE IS!!!"
"Oh well, to bad Thayet. I'm the king; I can do what ever I want. I'm not married to you anymore. I'm marrying Jayde."
"HOLD IT FOLKS!!!" Rosalind said as she and Ash made their way over to the group.
"You, Jayde, cannot get married." Rosalind said sternly.
"Why not?"
"Because, you're too young, and you have to go to the dance with (insert Jayde's Military Ball Date)." Ashley said.
"*gasp* You're right!!! I'm sorry Jon, but I can't marry you. Maybe some other time…"
"That's ok. But whenever you change your mind…" Thayet promptly whacked him and glared daggers at him. "Uh, I mean, yes, yes dearie, your escort must be very excited to have such a girl like you for a date." Thayet was still glaring, but she looked a bit more satisfied.
Lydia came out into the group and announced, "Well, now that's over with, who wants to hear me recite the entire 'Sweet Valley High' books?" Maura, Ashley, Rosalind, and Jayde said in perfect unison "NO!!!"
"Oh, too bad. You're going to listen anyway. Chapter one-"
As luck would have it, the author got the GREEN MIST to renew his contract and he immediately came to save the day. But he had just gotten back from his Union coffee break and was a bit hyper from all the caffeine. Because of this, he accidentally sent Jayde back with Lydia and Liz. Hey, you can't expect an elusive mist to get everything right.
Back to the past. Most of the people had left the practice courts, and the only ones left where our crazy San Antonians and Alanna, Jon, Neal, Numair, Kel and George.
"Well…that was…interesting." Neal commented.
"No kidding," Maura said, "The only way this could get possibly weirder would be to have Shaquille O'Neal to land in front of us."
"Who's that?" Neal inquired.
"He's the showoff center for the L.A. Lakers. Why, what I wouldn't give to rip him to shreds…"
The author smiled menacingly. "As you wish." she muttered as she typed.
2.5 seconds after her comment, Shaq himself appeared in front of them, with a Whopper in his mouth. He started to choke from the impact of landing. Alanna moved to help him, but Ashley and Maura help her back.
"DON'T!!!" They yelled in unison.
"Let him choke on his Whopper!" Maura whispered in her ear.
The author had pity on him, so she decided to get the green mist to send him to the San Antonio Zoo to be a part of the hippopotamus exhibit.
"Aw…shucks. I wanted to get my wish. At least he was choking on a Whopper…"
"Silence, insolent children!" Jon boomed. "You are wreaking havoc in Corus. You must somehow get back to where you came from. Numair, what have you found?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"NO!!! NOT FAIR!!!" Jon then throws himself on the floor and starts to have a temper tantrum.
"I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!"
"Uh, right Jon," Alanna told the monarch in an abrupt manner "Why don't you all go to Pirates' Swoop with George and me. By that time, maybe the King will have…settled down a bit."
"OK." Rosalind said on behalf of the other two.
"Sounds like fun." Ashley said.
"Aw…but I still wanna rip Shaq to shreds. In an instant, the GREEN MIST enveloped her and the next moment, she was at the S.A. Zoo with a chain saw in hand.
"Oh goody…"
There were now six people at the card table. They were trying to decide if they should play Russian Roulette or Strip Poker.
I apologize to Shaq and all ya'll Laker fans. I got a bit carried away, but this was after the 5/13/02 game in S.A.
Review!