Chapter 8: That hesitation

Let's be hopeful, don't get broken

And stay caught up in the moment

- James Bay

It didn't take long for Hank to arrive in a black SUV with windows tinted as dark as the cup of Americano I had this morning. I climbed into the back seats, followed by Tom.

"Hey, Hank," Tom greeted our driver.

Knowing that Jayna was getting worried, I typed a quick reply to her.

[Me:] Sorry for not replying! Tom and I took a walk after the movie. About to head home. Tell you everything later k

Hank waved hello from the front. "Where to, Tom? Your hotel?" he asked.

"Uhh." Tom looked at me. "Ali, I'm thinking I should come along with Hank as he sends you home."

My eyes widened. "What? No, that's crazy. Just get Hank to drop you back at your hotel first."

"It's just that it's so late now and it's your first time riding with Hank –"

"It's perfectly fine, really," I insisted. "You would be taking a four-hour ride in total for nothing. And the sights on the way to Warren aren't anything breathtaking, I can assure you."

Tom still looked unconvinced. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Thanks for the thoughtful gesture though," I said with a smile.

Tom smiled back, then said, "Okay, Hank. Hotel first, then to Ali's place in Warren, please."

"You got it."

"Thanks, Hank." Tom leaned against his seat comfortably, then spoke to me, "Hey, what did you think about Harrison and Jayna earlier tonight?"

I chuckled. "What did you think?"

"The way they were tossing flirtatious words back and forth, it was like a tennis match. Jayna is definitely Harrison's type. I wouldn't be surprised if he asks her out one day."

"Jayna is everyone's type," I said – not with envy but with pride, of course. "She can get along with just about anyone, and she's so fun to be with. Guys just can't help falling for her."

"She is very bubbly and chatty, yeah," Tom replied with a nod.

I couldn't help wondering… Was Jayna his type as well? I honestly wouldn't be surprised. But then, there was no way in hell I'd ever ask him.

Tom cleared his throat. "But I think some guys would prefer girls who are less.. extroverted."

I was staring out of the window but his remark made me turn and look at him. "Really?" I didn't bother masking my doubt.

Tom laughed. "Don't get me wrong. I know that Jayna is your best friend and she's an incredibly lovely girl to hang out with and all. But I can imagine her operating at 120% energy level all the time. I'm personally not sure if I'd be able to keep up."

"So your girlfriend is more of an introvert then?" I ventured a guess. All of a sudden, my mind flashed back to the memory of the stunning Giselle Bundchen-lookalike woman who had whisked Tom off to somewhere else on the first night we met. Was that his girlfriend? The kind of pace that he could keep up with?

Tom seemed a little surprised by my question. "Well, I don't have a girlfriend right now, but yeah. I think it's nice when you can be with someone and have these moments when neither of you are talking but it's still – enough. And comfortable."

"Yeah, that's the best feeling," I said softly.

Just like how it is with you, Trev. And I don't even know why I can't be like this with anyone else. Why does it have to be you?

"Ali…" Tom's voice was suddenly lower, quieter. Even in our dim surroundings, I could feel the burn of his intense gaze.

My heartbeat raced. "Y-yes?" I managed to squeak out.

He was silent for a moment – it felt like an eternity – then finally he exhaled loudly. "Umm, so I'm really ravenous right now. Do you want to get some sushi?"

I blinked. My heart stopped. What did he just say?

Tom shifted his gaze away as he spoke casually, "There's a great little sushi takeout place not too far from here. We can swing by real quick. Hank wouldn't mind us snacking at the back."

My mind had not caught up – it was stuck in the moment before this, still suspended in Tom's intense gaze.

But I willed myself to function at a semi-decent level until we parted ways. I took in a shaky breath and said, "Uhh sure. Sounds good."

Tom proceeded to direct Hank to the sushi place, while I sat back, reeling from the exchange we just had. It was so weird. Was I imagining things, or did Tom totally switch the direction of our conversation at the most pivotal point? That hesitation wasn't something I had imagined, was it?

The strangest part of all was the amount of conflicted emotions I was experiencing right now.

Half of my heart was undoubtedly crushed, from hoping against hope for words that never got spoken. I knew for sure now that charming and earnest Trevor McGeek had, without any prior warning, found a spot in this half-heart portion of mine. What I couldn't say for sure was how long his stay was going to be.

But. I couldn't deny that there was the other half of me inside that was.. relieved. This incessantly cautious side did not want me to continue the conversation with Tom. It wasn't ready for what might have been. It wasn't ready to be… vulnerable.

For just a second, I allowed myself to think about my parents and my younger sister, Megan. How one horrific night could rob me of my family, just like that. My entire world collapsed overnight, and my 13-year-old self just did not know how to cope. So I retreated into a shell. And it looked like I never fully emerged from it, even till now.

I missed Mom. I missed Dad. I missed sweet little Meg. And at times, I still couldn't get over the fact that I would never ever get to see them again.

People always left, and sometimes it wasn't even their decision. In which case, there was no point in letting anyone in, was there?

In my cocooned world, Jayna was the only exception to the rule. Mostly because she forced her way in to my life. We were in the same classes in middle school, and when she heard the news of my orphan status, she decided that I needed a friend – and it was going to be her. She would insist on sitting next to me for every lesson. And during lunch time, she made sure to plop down at the same table as me in the cafeteria. I'd asked her countless of times why, and her response was always a shrug and a "Why not?". At 13, Jayna was already highly protective of me. I suppose some things never changed, and I was forever thankful for that.

"Here we are," Tom announced, jolting me from my unplanned-for extensive thoughts.

I peered through the window and spotted the tiny shopfront with a signboard boasting the words 'Tomoe Sushi'.

Tom made a move toward the vehicle door. "Wait here while I go and grab our supper, yeah?"

I nodded my reply and watched Tom as he left. I took the opportunity to give myself a quick mental pep talk – I didn't quite have control over my feelings for Tom, but I could still ensure that this last leg of our ride together was pleasant.

After all, he did come to my rescue during the movie premiere earlier. And took me out for a movie. And now he was out there getting us sushi. All of which points to him being an amazing human being. How could I not appreciate that? I owed it to the both of us to act totally normal, and I would be unaffected by what he might or might not say. Yes.

Before I knew it, Tom had returned with a selection of Japanese delicacies.

"I hope you like baby octopus," he told me with a grin as he lifted up the sushi box he was holding.

"Uhh no," I said, wrinkling my nose. "You sound like you're a huge fan though, so please take them all."

Tom let out a cheeky laugh. "No, I'm just kidding. I find it gross too." He passed me a pair of disposable chopsticks before opening the sushi box. "All right. We have some tuna, salmon, California rolls… Oh, and I got some egg sushi rolls too."

"I'm glad you didn't buy out the entire store's sushi supply, Trev," I commented wryly.

"Of course. The rest of the customers can enjoy the baby octopus."

Hank eased the SUV out of its parking spot and got us back on the main road.

Tom and I tucked into the sushi spread he bought, with him trying to get me to sample everything.

"This is so good. You must have some," Tom enthused, using his chopsticks to point at the California rolls. "Ohh, and the tuna is great too. Have you tried it?"

It went on like this for the next 15 minutes. I didn't know how, but we had somehow managed to empty the sushi box. Tom definitely had eaten more than I did – I guess he wasn't joking about being ravenous.

As if on cue, the SUV began to slow down and Hank announced, "Tom, here's your hotel."

"Thanks, Hank. Give me a sec." Tom turned to me, a shy smile on his lips. "Well, thanks for coming out with me, movie and walk and sushi and all. I hope you weren't too bored, and I hope you're really okay after the assault from that jerk."

"I'm totally fine. And no way was I bored. I had fun," I assured him as I tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear, suddenly shy too. "Thank you so much for – well, everything tonight."

"Anytime," Tom replied with so much sincerity, I actually ached.

"So, same time tomorrow?" I let slip the joke before I could think it through. Nice one, Ali. Now he's going to change his mind about how incapable I was of being a psycho.

Tom chuckled in surprise, but seemed unfazed. "Wow, I must've been more impressive of a date than I thought," he joked back.

Did he say 'date'? But it was meant as a joke, so I told myself not to give it too much thought.

"I came with zero expectations, so." I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I'm going to let you go now."

"Okay. Can you text me when you're safely home?"

"Oh… Sure." Now we were exchanging numbers? I didn't see that coming. And I wondered, were we at least friends now?

"Let me give you my number."

I gave him my phone so that he could punch in his digits. I then gave his number a missed call so that his phone could capture my number.

"All right. Take care, Ali," Tom said.

For a second, I was taken back to the night we first met, when he disappeared so abruptly. This time around, I had the chance to say a proper goodbye. I should make the best out of it, shouldn't I?

"You too, Trev." I paused for one second, inhaled, then leaned in to plant the quickest, softest kiss on his right cheek. He smelled nice, like a mix of the citrus scent he was wearing the first night and something sweet and woody, perhaps from his shampoo. At the risk of sounding like an obsessive person (again), I wish I could bottle the scent and bring it home with me.

If Tom was shocked by my action, he didn't show it. He smiled and said, "See ya, Ali," before exiting the vehicle.

"See ya, Trev," I whispered, but he was already gone.

"Ali, can I have your address?" Hank asked, glancing at me from the rear view mirror. "I'll key it into the GPS."

"Sure, Hank. It's 2085, Mapleton Street, Warren."

I collapsed in my seat like a deflated balloon, weary from a long evening. And now that I was at the tail end of it, my emotions were all over the place. I let my eyelids close, but it didn't help erase the image of Tom's smiling face. His low yet boyish voice, telling me things that got me laughing so much. Those unforgettable brown eyes that seemed to look right into my soul. The touch of his hand on mine as he asked if I was okay after the incident with Beard Man. The way he looked at me when he said he preferred girls who were less extroverted…

I didn't realize I'd dozed off until I felt my phone vibrating, again and again. A call. I cracked one eye open to see the caller's name – Trevor McGeek.

"Hello?" I said, a little breathlessly. Because I'd been sleeping just a few seconds before, of course.

"Hey," Tom's voice was warm and comforting, as if he was speaking right into my ear. "Just wanted to make sure your ride is okay so far?"

I smiled, even though he couldn't see it. "Yeah, it is. I think we just got onto the highway. Thanks for checking in."

"No problem."

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"Yeah, soon. I just got out of the shower. Trying to decide what to wear tomorrow – I mean later today…"

"What exciting plans do you have?"

Tom exhaled loudly. "A radio interview, then a couple of store appearances with Jake Gyllenhaal to promote the upcoming Far From Home DVD release. Then a dinner thing with Jake and Haz before I fly to LA, where I've got a photoshoot the next day."

"In that case, I think a bright pink Hawaiian shirt will be perfect."

"Perfect. I happen to have one in my suitcase. You know, you should add fashion consultant to your list of career aspirations."

"I'll be sure to let my college know that I'm switching majors."

Tom laughed. "But don't give up the juggling. That's pretty cool."

"Oh good grief, you remembered the list?" I asked, horrified. "It was so random, even I've forgotten what I said."

"No, I remember every word you say... Just in case there's ever a need for blackmail."

That got a laugh out of me. "Well, you'd be choosing the right victim because I have tons of valuable worldly possessions. Like this stash of Eminem CDs that's worth millions by now, I bet."

"Mm, I think Drake's stuff would fetch a higher price."

I wished we never had to hang up, but I felt bad for keeping Tom on the line at this hour. "Trev, I really think you should hit the sack. If you've settled your outfit for tomorrow."

"Okay. I'm going with a navy blue shirt and grey jeans."

"Sounds good."

"Thanks, Ali. Big help."

"Anytime."

"So, same time tomorrow?"

I burst into laughter. "Now you're just making fun of me."

"I could never. And before you say it again, I will go to bed now."

"Great."

"Get home safely, Ali. Don't forget to text."

"Sure thing. Good night, Trev."

"Good night, Ali."

I tapped the red button on my phone screen to hang up, then let out a sigh.

The question that I should've asked Tom but didn't, wouldn't, couldn't… It now lingered on my mind, flashing neon like the lights we saw in New York City tonight: Who am I to you?