Chapter 9: Zero stability

I told myself don't get attached

But in my mind I play it back

Spinning faster than the plane that took you

- Taylor Swift

"Gay."

I was about to bite into an apple, but stopped when Jayna spoke. "What?" I asked her.

It was the following night and Jayna had dropped by my apartment to catch up on things.

At the moment, she was leaning against the wall near my dresser, arms folded across her chest. "I'm sorry, but that seems to be the only plausible explanation. If Tom Holland isn't gay, then I don't know what was up with the weird evening you two had together."

"Jays! That's a huge thing to accuse someone of," I chided her from where I sat on my queen-sized bed, then attempted again to eat my apple. Success this time.

Jayna smirked. "Just kidding. But you got to admit, it would make sense."

I chewed on a piece of apple, shrugging. "Yeah. I mean, the more we talked, the more confused I got. He was friendly, but it seemed like there was this invisible line that he didn't want to cross. And yet, he did – several times," I muttered after taking a particularly huge bite.

"Well, it sounded like he was this close to saying something about his feelings for you," Jayna stated, still too agitated to sit down. "Then he switched gears and suggested supper when it was already super late and he was supposed to be heading back to his hotel. And he gave you his number. Then you kissed him on the cheek – great move, by the way! I didn't know you had it in you – but he skedaddled out of there without saying anything or returning the gesture. Later on, he called you and kept a conversation going when he should be sleeping. Why would he do all of that if he wasn't interested at all in you?"

"Maybe it's just how the British are – overly polite and nice and caring? I don't know."

I threw a glance at my phone that was resting nearby on my pillow. The screen said 10.58PM, and it also said zero messages.

I had, as requested, sent Tom a text message as soon as I'd stepped into my apartment. There was no reply, which was not unexpected. And I had to admit I felt better knowing that Tom had drifted into slumber, getting what little rest he could before his brand new day started.

But… I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder about hearing from him at some point today. Or was he already on his flight to LA? I now wished he hadn't shared his schedule with me. It was all too easy to fall into an obsessive state.

"So wait. Tom said he doesn't have a girlfriend," Jayna said thoughtfully. She pushed herself up straight, no longer leaning against the wall.

She started pacing around my bedroom area, and I could sense a new hypothesis brewing. "But he didn't outright claim to be single. Could it be that he's commitment-phobic and he likes variety when it comes to romantic partners?"

"In other words, you think he's a player," I concluded coolly, refusing to feel any hurt. "Entirely possible, especially given his celebrity status." I took one last bite of the apple before setting the core on top of a magazine I'd been reading in bed. Sometimes the trash can was just too far away.

"I don't know…" Jayna stopped mid-pace, turning to me with wide blue eyes. "I mean, it's one theory. But at the same time, I have this gut feeling that Tom isn't that kind of person? I mean, if I had the slightest bad feeling about him, I wouldn't have encouraged you to go out with him after the movie premiere."

"Yeah, you practically shoved me into that movie outing with him," I reminded her.

"You two were too shy to get things going!" Jayna defended herself. She had resumed her pacing. "Look at me and Harrison. We were efficient – oh hang on, I can ask Harrison what the deal is with his buddy."

"No. Don't, Jays," I pleaded. The last thing I wanted was to get more people involved in this thing that wasn't really anything to begin with.

Jayna finally calmed down enough to plop down next to me on the bed. She studied me before saying, "When it comes down to it, all that matters is what you want out of this, Ali."

"I know," I agreed, sighing. "If only I'm sure of what that is."

Jayna pursed her lips in thought and spoke softly, "Well… Do you want Trevor McGeek in your life? Or not?"

"Umm." That was a good question. Did I? "I guess the short answer is yes…"

"But?" Jayna prompted me.

"I don't want things to be complicated," I said. "And right now, things are definitely not simple."

"Yep."

I ran a hand through my hair absent-mindedly as I thought things through. "The only way to keep it simple is to treat Tom as a friend, and nothing else. No expectations, no going further than that. I just need to be firm."

"It won't be easy..."

"I know…"

"Especially when he fixes his swoon-inducing brown eyes on you," Jayna teased.

"Are you trying to support or sabotage me here?" I huffed, whacking my best friend lightly on the arm as she burst into laughter. "How are things with Ben anyway? And where does Harrison fit in this picture?"

Jayna shrugged. "Ben says he's happy with us right now. But he stopped short of defining what 'us' actually meant at this point."

"That's awful. You know you deserve so much better, Jays," I pointed out.

"I'm not entirely upset," Jayna admitted. "I'm twenty-one and he's twenty – we're still so young. If Ben doesn't want to be tied down by the shackles of a traditional relationship, I have to say that I kinda get it."

"And Harrison…?"

"He seems like a fun guy, and he said he'll call me up the next time he's in New York. But it's not like I'll be holding my breath, you know? His job has zero stability and takes him all over the world."

"Yeah. And that goes for Tom too. Everything with him is so uncertain. It's all the more reason I should just maintain a straightforward friendship with him, if we even keep in touch at all after this. I need to do it for the sake of my sanity." I peeked at my phone again. Still nothing. I told myself it was fine. I didn't need anything to shake the foundation that my world had been carefully built upon.

Jayna inched closer and rested her head on my shoulder. "You've still got me, no matter what. And I've got you. We'll be okay."

I felt a surge of love for my best friend. "We will," I agreed. "Who needs a couple of sweet and charming British heartbreakers anyway, right?"

The bay windows at the front of Café Luna needed some cleaning. I knew this because Lou yelled it to me from the kitchen.

Since we'd just passed the busy morning period, I got to the task immediately, retrieving a stack of paper towels and a pail of soapy water.

The pale autumn sunlight streamed in through the windows and I realized that it had been close to two months since that night in New York City with Tom. Strange how it now felt like a lifetime ago.

In between wiping the large glass panes, I checked my phone for emails. It had been a little over a week since I'd sent my enquiries about scholarships for medical students, and also typed an email to my college administration to ask about switching to a health and medical major.

I knew I had Tom to thank for kicking this into gear for me. It was still uncertain if I would ever make it to medical school in my hopes of becoming a doctor, but I had to try. The memory of Tom's supportive smile popped up from time to time – a reminder of how I had someone other than Jayna who believed in me. It was also unfortunately a reminder of how I could never fully erase Trevor McGeek from my thoughts.

But I would settle for 99%. Okay, 83% might be a more accurate number.

The occasional, seemingly random text messages from him didn't help things. The first one arrived about ten days (yes, I did count) after New York City, while I was in the middle of an afternoon shift at Café Luna:

[Trevor:] Random but I'm a million miles away in Korea and craving for Lou's tiramisu. Argh ;)

I had shown the message to Jayna. Her suggested reply was, 'Hop on the next plane here then. I'll save you the largest, most delectable piece ;) ;)', but I told her it was just not my style to say stuff like that. It was a classic Jayna response for sure.

Instead, I snapped a picture of the tiramisu and sent it to Tom with the caption, 'Hope this helps curb the craving :P You're welcome'.

Another time, my phone buzzed and the following chat ensued:

[Trevor:] Guess what I just ruined my AirPods

[Trevor:] Forgot to take them out before showering

[Trevor:] I'm a genius

[Me:] Good job

[Me:] The most important question is of course, what song were you listening to when it happened?

[Trevor:] Robbie Williams - Eternity. Do you know it?

[Me:] I know him but not that particular song

[Trevor:] It's old but gold

[Me:] I'll be sure to check it out then

[Trevor:] You were there for summer dreaming…

[Trevor:] That's from the chorus

[Me:] :) Aww 👍

[Me:] Is that yours and Harrison's song?

[Trevor:] We did share some really romantic moments this summer

[Me:] Lol I'm sure

[Me:] Feel free not to overshare

[Trevor:] Canoodling on the beach…

[Trevor:] In the car…

[Trevor:] At the cinema…

[Trevor:] In the bathtub…

[Me:] Okay bye Trev

[Trevor:] HAHA no I'm sorry don't go

I held on to my decision to treat Tom as a friend and nothing more. It was easy when I reminded myself that I was just another 21-year-old college kid – I mean, I was all right, but I was nowhere near outstanding in any way. Why would Tom see me as anything different from the tons of people he met every day?

This question lingered yesterday, when he had dropped a text message while I was at home doing some late-night studying for an upcoming test.

[Trevor:] Helloo

[Me:] Heyy

[Trevor:] Oh good you're still awake

[Trevor:] I can't sleep and I'm bored as hell

[Me:] What time is it where you are?

[Trevor:] I'm in Philly right now

[Trevor:] Same time zone as you 😀

[Trevor:] But I'm super jetlagged… Was in Australia before this

[Me:] Yikes

[Me:] Ok well you've come to the right place

[Me:] Do you prefer a knock knock joke or a blonde joke?

[Trevor:] Ooh I have a knock knock joke

[Me:] ….

[Trevor:] Knock knock

[Me:] Nobody's home

[Trevor:] Cmon Ali 😆

[Trevor:] Humour me

[Me:] Okok who's there?

[Trevor:] Spell

[Me:] Spell who?

[Trevor:] W. H. O.

[Trevor:] Hahaha

[Me:] 👎👎👎

[Me:] That's 2 secs of my life I'm never getting back

[Trevor:] Thx for always being such a good sport Ali 😊

[Trevor:] How are you?

[Me:] Sleepy

[Me:] Studying for a test rn

[Me:] Fun stuff

[Trevor:] What subject?

[Me:] World econs history 😴

[Me:] Do you miss school?

[Trevor:] Sometimes yeah

[Trevor:] When's your test? Tomorrow?

[Me:] No, the day after tomorrow

[Trevor:] Good luck 🍀

[Trevor:] Break a leg

[Me:] Lol I think that's only for performances, not tests

[Me:] I don't wanna break anyone's leg.. I think

[Trevor:] Haha

[Trevor:] Try not to study too late

[Trevor:] Do you have classes tomorrow?

[Me:] Only a 3pm lecture

[Me:] Will be working at Luna in the morning

I didn't mention it in my chat with Tom last night, but I would also have a date that same night with Owen, a guy in my Statistics class. We had previously gone out for coffee after class one rainy afternoon – nothing major, but the conversation had been easy. Owen talked a lot about the mini trials and tribulations of his part-time job at the book store, which mostly involved having to deal with millennial book lovers.

"They come in, asking you about Orwell and Tolstoy. Then you see them leaving with the latest Twilight-inspired series," Owen had told me as we sipped our hot lattes, his tone colored in equal parts by anguish and amusement.

I liked how Owen had this shy smile that spread all over his face whenever I looked at him. I liked how he got excited when he shared his favorite books and asked about the latest movies I'd seen. I liked how he was here, so present. So simple and open about his interest in me.

With Owen, there was a clear, possible path to walk on together. I had my usual apprehension about letting new people into my life, of course, but there was plenty of time to get to know Owen better. He was there in class. He was only a call away if I wanted to meet up. He was accessible.

Unlike Trevor…

My reverie broke when I heard the tinkle of the bells and felt the breeze that blew in, as the doors to Café Luna opened.

I placed down the paper towel I was holding and turned to greet the new customer. "Welcome to Ca –"

The rest of my words never got out. Instead, I took in a surprised breath as I stared at the figure standing in the doorway.

This was the last person I was expecting to see. Were my eyes playing a trick on me, or was it really….

"Trev?" I called out.