Author's Notes: See chapter one for disclaimer and explanation.
Love, Life, and Death
By Annie-chan
Chapter Five: ThoughtsBetrayed…betrayed…betrayed…betrayed…
That word keeps running trough my head…over and over and over…I cannot stop it. Like a chant…a magic spell. The ugliest word in my language…or any language for that matter. No…
It's not true…it can't be true…no…no…no…
I love her…I love her with all my heart and soul…she…she said she loved me! She told me in the flower patch that day…and many times since…she sounded so sincere! I said it, too…we sealed the promise with a kiss…a kiss I meant more than I've ever meant anything in my life. I thought she meant it, too…
Gods! Gods! Suzaku, why?! Why did she lie to me like this?! She knew how I felt! She was good enough a friend at least to tell me she loved Hikô and not me! She should have been, anyway…
And Hikô…oh, Suzaku, why did he hide it from me as well?! We are best friends! I trust him more than my own brother! We've been through so much together…since before I can remember, we were friends!
How could they do this to me?!?!?!?!
I run as fast as I can down the hill toward the town…no. I can't face anyone there. They don't know, but I can't show my face there even so. I'm too distraught and ashamed. I turn and run toward the forest…toward the shelter of the trees. I don't know were I'm going…I just have to get away…away from the nightmare I just witnessed. I stop suddenly as I realize I'm in a clearing.
The clearing where we first kissed.
I walk slowly to the sakura tree, my mind and body suddenly clear and calm. It is beautiful in full bloom as it is now. My mind pays no heed to the beauty. All I can think of is…
I stop a few feet away and stare numbly at the spot we had sat and held hands…the spot we had sat when we shared our first kiss.
I had not shed any tears up until now…I was too shocked to let them flow. A single droplet makes its way down my cheek. As if it opened tremendously strained floodgates, many more follow almost immediately. I stand perfectly still, the tears carving out paths down my face, searing hot against my chilled skin.
I can't take it anymore. I close the distance between me and the tree and collapse at its base, howling my despair. I scream my love's name, my entire body convulsing with agony at each sob and gasp. It can't be true! It can't be true! No! No! Nonononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cry like that for a long time…I don't know how long…the better part of an hour probably. In the back of my mind—so far back I didn't realize it crossed my mind until afterwards—I'm amazed no one heard me and came looking for the cause of the cacophony. Finally, I start to quiet down…I'm exhausted from screaming. My eyes are certain to be red and swollen. I lay there, unimaginably tired. My body trembles…nothing compared to the upheaval still quaking the very core of my soul. In mere minutes, I have fallen into a deep sleep, unbroken by dreams.
I wake many hours later, the sun close to setting. Any other day, I'd rush home, afraid I had made somebody wait because of some job they need my help with. Besides, Okâsan likes to know where I am. But, now I merely walk back home, my head hanging low and my spirit in shambles. I get home nearly half and hour later. I am not aware that I have not eaten anything since morning. I only want to avoid my family…I can't answer any questions right now. They look at me, concerned, as I walk in the door and to my room. A few questions are asked, but I hardly hear them. Without a word, I collapse on the bed, shivering. I won't get much sleep tonight.
As I lay staring at the wall for what seems like an eternity, I wonder why Taiyô hasn't come in to bed. It's about the time he usually goes to bed. He probably thought I need the room to myself tonight. I am thankful.
Tomorrow, first thing, I have to see her…make sure it's not just some horrible nightmare. Well past midnight, I finally fall into an uneasy sleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hôjun! What have I let happen, my love?!
Hikô kissing me had been a terrible shock, but for Hôjun to see it…oh, it never should have happened! Hikô loves me! Why, oh why did I push him to forget about it?! He never would have had to prove it to me as he did! I so ashamed of myself…
The look on Hôjun's face…I'll never forget that look. The image is burned into my brain…it will haunt me forever…never letting me rest…
My beloved Hôjun…I have betrayed you in the worst possible manner. You love me so much, and I love you just as much…I let another man kiss me…you saw…my whole word has shattered and buried its razor shards in my heart and lungs. It hurts so much…
I run through the town, tears flowing unchecked down my face. My hand still stings from slapping Hikô…the man who claimed to love me with all his being. It's not fair! Why did this have to happen between the three of us?!
Several people call for me to stop, apparently concerned about a woman who's to be married the next day that's running through the town with tears on her face. I pay them no mind…I just want to get to the safety of my home.
Nobody is home. Nobody except my oldest younger sister, Uta. I burst in through the door, nearly jump over the low table, and hide in my bedroom. I throw myself onto my bed, weeping. I hardly make a sound…but the tears are sure to drown me should many more come.
I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder…I need not look up, for my visitor speaks, telling me who it is. My sister, Uta. She asks my what is wrong, terrified at the state her nêsan has come home in…the day before her wedding, no less.
My wedding…oh, how can it happen now? Hôjun must hate me for betraying him…and Hikô must hate me for rejecting him so viciously. His face will have marks for a while. The tears intensify.
I ask Uta to leave me alone, and she slowly and quietly walks out, after a hesitation to leave me like this.
I cry myself to sleep. I wake up quite a while later, feeling no better than I did when I went to sleep. My stomach tells me faintly that I'm hungry, so I get up to find something to eat. I eat silently, not meeting anyone's eyes, talking as much as I'm looking. My family is worried by my silence, and Okâsan asks me what is the matter. I can't tell her…I can't tell anyone right now.
I go back to my room without uttering a word the whole time. I lie down and stare out the window at the moon. Sleep will be a long time in coming.
Hôjun, I can't marry you anymore. I'm not worthy of you…you deserve so much more. Much more than the cheating little wretch I am. I'm so sorry…
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What have I done? What have I done?!
I never meant it to happen this way! I only wanted her to know what I felt for her! Suzaku, I was such an idiot for thinking I could kiss her!
I never deserved her…such a beautiful and wonderful girl like her needs someone much better…like Hôjun. I love her…I should have loved her enough to leave her alone, to keep on with my life. But, I didn't, and know look what's happened…
How stupid of me…how completely, utterly stupid of me! How could I think she would just quietly listen to me and accept what I told her? I know she loves Hôjun more than anything else in the world. Why couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut?!
I have ruined everything. The gods know how this will affect their marriage. I kneel by the willow tree, tears sliding down my cheek. It stings where Kôran's fingernails gouged into my skin. I deserved that slap…that, and so much worse.
I return to the village quite a while later. I had managed to make myself look semi-normal, but it's taking me all my strength and mental stamina to keep myself like that. I go through the work at the forge automatically, my spirit crushed and not up to concentrating on anything. I'm amazed I didn't screw up with the hammer and anvil, or the bellows keeping the fire hot.
I go to bed at the end of the day, drained in almost every way conceivable. Tomorrow, I must talk to Kôran…to beg her to forgive me and to try to put it behind herself. I drift off to sleep, my slumber invaded by strange dreams…all with Kôran's frightened eyes and Hôjun's look of pure anguish…they keep dancing incessantly across my dreams.
To be continued…Author's Notes: Done with this one. I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but I hope it's soon. So, like the first-person point of view for this chapter? Hate it? I don't know if I'm going to use it anymore in this story, but for a chapter called "Thoughts," it just seemed to be appropriate. Please e-mail any comments to mangareader@hotmail.com, onegai shimasu! Please, no flames…I don't take kindly to them.