Chapter 14: Fragile strength

'Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need

Maybe you're not even sure what it's for

Any more than me

- Joseph Arthur

"And this was us at Rockefeller Center. Can you believe that the Christmas decorations are up already?!"

I paused in my task of refilling the sugar bowls at Café Luna and leaned across the counter to look at the photo Jayna was showing me on her phone. In it, she and Harrison beamed against the backdrop of the unmistakable giant Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

Time was whizzing by. I couldn't believe that autumn was almost over. And frankly, where had the entire year gone?

To Jayna, I responded, "I know! One would think that Christmas is on November 25th, not December." I pointed at the photo. "Mm, so I gotta say that this would've been an amazing picture… If only Harrison wasn't sticking his tongue out and squinting his eyes."

Jayna tossed her head back with a laugh. "You have no idea how hard it is to get him to pose properly for the camera. I have like 20 photos of him pulling the silliest faces, ugh."

A smile formed on my lips as I saw the way Jayna glowed when she talked about Harrison. It was an effortless kind of joy, relaxed and light. My best friend was happy, and I was happy about that.

"What's with the smile, Ali?" Jayna asked, uncharacteristically self-conscious and tugging at the ends of her golden curls.

"Nothing. It's just nice to see you like this."

"Like how?"

"Contented."

Jayna smirked. "Have I not always been contented?"

"Not like this. Not with Ben, or Jenkins, or the guy before Jenkins – I don't even remember his name now."

"Steve," Jayna helpfully supplied the name. "But yeah, okay, I guess I know what you mean. Things with Harrison just feel.. easier. Comfortable."

I nodded. "And I definitely feel it too. Like with Ben, I was always stressed out when you got stressed out over him."

Jayna smiled ruefully. "Sorry, Ali. You've been there with me through every failed relationship of mine."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way," I told her affectionately. I got back to scooping sugar into the container bowls, in case Lou emerged from the kitchen and started yelling about how he wasn't paying me to chit chat with Jayna.

"Thanks, Ali. You're the best." Jayna reached over to squeeze my arm affectionately before she went on, "So yeah, Harrison. He's awesome and we're great together. Yet, the most basic thing is standing between Harrison and I." She let out a dramatic sigh. "With him being who he is, I'd never be able to have a normal relationship."

"Define normal?"

"Well, you know. He'd always be away, and we wouldn't be able to do regular couple-y stuff like going to the movies, having dinner together every other night and going for grocery runs on weekends. I'd never be able to post couple pictures or videos without inviting a ton of scrutiny and worrying about those things falling into the wrong grubby hands. Relationships are hard enough as they are. Add to that the long distance and stardom factors, and you're just setting yourself up for a difficult, emotionally-taxing time."

I stabbed at a mini sugar mountain with a spoon, thinking. "I suppose so. You'd have to be willing to make all kinds of sacrifices and also take a leap of faith…"

"A huge leap of faith," Jayna pointed out. "Do you know how many girls Harrison meets every day? And the comments and messages he gets on his social media accounts, whoa. Some of his fangirls can be quite, err, vocal about the things they want to do to him."

"Mmhmm."

Jayna grew thoughtful for a second. "It's the same case with Tom, isn't it? But probably fifty times more challenging seeing as how he's already an established actor. Would you ever be okay with having a long-distance relationship with Tom?"

"I don't know why you'd ask me that, Jays," I mumbled, focusing my gaze downward at the sugar bowls. "You know we're, at best, just friends."

"Oh, come on, Ali. You must've played it out in your mind at least once before. If Tom were to ask you to be his girlfriend, would you say yes?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. I've never really had an actual boyfriend. I'm not sure if I'm even capable of – "

"Ali. Just give me the truth. Would your answer have been yes? Or no?"

"Jays." I glared at her.

"Ali." Jayna stared back at me, unblinking.

"Fine. YES. I'd say yes, in a heartbeat. No matter how complicated or hard it may be. He'd be worth it. In a perfect world where Tom would let me in and be absolutely open about everything that's going on with him, I'd want to be with him. Okay? Are you satisfied now?" I couldn't help scowling at Jayna for forcing me to be honest.

"As a matter of fact, I am," Jayna replied, looking mighty pleased with herself.

"But it's never going to happen," I insisted flatly. "Because first of all, he needs to come clean and divulge what he's been hiding."

"If you're so sure he's holding this deep dark secret, why don't you just ask him?"

"No way."

"Why not?" Jayna persisted.

"Because… If he'd wanted me to know in the first place, he would've just told me."

"Maybe he just doesn't know how to tell you. Maybe the timing isn't right. Maybe it's someone else's secret he's guarding. Who knows?"

I frowned with slight confusion. "Jays, why are you siding Tom all of a sudden?"

"Look, I know you made it clear that your mind was made up about distancing yourself from Tom and you refuse to be swayed. I've been respecting that, and I've been trying to be supportive of what you have with Owen, as dull of a character as he is – "

"Jayna," I cut in. "You're not Owen's biggest fan, I know, but – "

"It's not about him, though, really," she retorted in defense. "It's about how I see you when you're with Tom. When we talk about him. The way your eyes light up – it's how I am when it comes to Harrison."

"The thing is, you and Harrison have gone out on proper, official dates. What do I have with Tom? Just random encounters that leave me with more questions than answers."

"Okay. You want answers, right? Go seize them." Jayna glanced at her phone, seeming to contemplate something.

Then her eyes flicked back to fix upon me. "Ali… Harrison wants to celebrate my birthday in two weeks' time. With Tom. They'll have a suite at The Dominick. It's this hotel in Manhattan and their rooftop pool bar is apparently gorgeous. Perfect for a mini party for the four of us. Please say you'll come?"

"What? No… I – I can't."

"Your plan to push Tom away, is it honestly going well?" Jayna asked me gently.

"It's going all right, I guess." I shrugged. "It's been more than two months now, and the plan isn't failing me or anything."

"I worry about you, Ali," Jayna stated. "I know you said you wanted to take things slow with Owen and that's why you're not officially together with him yet, but can you truly say that this has nothing to do with Tom?"

"It's not because of Tom," I replied. "I just take a lot longer to let people in. You know that, Jays."

"Absolutely, because of what happened to your family." Jayna nodded. "But see, you've only met Tom a couple of times. And yet you're absolutely sure that you'd want to be with him if he ever asked. Doesn't that count for something?"

"I'll just attribute that to insanity. Because it doesn't make sense and I have no explanation for it."

"Geez. You and Tom are so deep in something, it's crazy how you both don't see it."

I stopped my sugar refill duty again and looked at Jayna.

"Ali. Just as I'm worried about you, Harrison worries about Tom," Jayna revealed. "There were occasions when Tom got carried away with drinking.. And by that I mean total drunksville."

I must've stopped breathing for a second or five, all of a sudden overwhelmed by concern for Tom. "Are you serious? Is he doing okay? But, I mean, it probably has nothing to do with me. There could be a gazillion other possible reasons."

"Same like how Tom has nothing to do with the fact that you and Owen haven't progressed much, huh?"

"Jays, I really don't know anymore," I groaned, my mind whirling with all that's Jayna had unloaded on me. "Did – did Harrison ever mention if he knows why Tom acts the way he does toward me?"

"Nope. He tried asking Tom more than once but didn't get anything. But even Harrison could tell that Tom cares about you, Ali. Apparently Tom would bring up your name whenever they drank gin. And also, you have quite the reputation as being very ungenerous about sharing popcorn at the movies."

"What? Jayna! How long have you known these things?"

"Only recently! For the longest time Harrison hesitated to share them with me. Because he knew I wanted to be a supportive friend to you and he totally respected that. But c'mon, it's been months now and both you and Tom are clearly not 100% fine. So Harrison decided to let me know, and he's hoping that you'll join us in Manhattan too. It'll be a good chance to talk things out with Tom, don't you think?"

"I don't know if there's much to talk about," I muttered.

"Ali, please. Just at least consider to come?" Jayna gave me her best pleading look.

"Okay," I agreed with great reluctance. It was hard saying no to my best friend, but I also knew there was no way I was going to say yes in the end…

As if on cue, my phone buzzed with an incoming call. I caught the name on the screen and froze.

"Jays, why is Tom calling me?" I held up my phone for Jayna to see.

"Oh wow. I have no idea." Jayna's response was dripping in fake innocence. "But you should pick up. Go on."

My suspicion level hit the roof. "Jayna Leigh Cameron, what are you and Harrison up to?!"

Jayna would only flash me a guilty smile. "Answer the phone already, Ali."

"No."

"You can't just ignore Tom forever."

"Watch me."

In one swift move, Jayna extended her arm to grab my phone from my grasp. She slid her thumb across the screen to receive the call before thrusting the phone back into my hand.

"Jays, what – "

"Talk to him, Ali," Jayna said, relentless as she was firm.

I sighed then placed the phone next to my ear. "Hello?" I uttered softly.

"Ali. Hey."

The moment Tom's husky voice floated through the line, it was over. My fragile strength that I'd been holding onto, it collapsed just like that.

"Hey, Trev. How's it going?"

"Uhh, good. Keeping busy. How are you? Are you at work? Because if it's a bad time, I can call back later."

"Well…"

Jayna shot me the fiercest glare ever, which made me rethink my response to Tom.

"No, it's fine," I said. "I am at Café Luna but I'm on my break. So what's up? Has your wrist healed up?"

"Yeah, it's as good as new now." Tom cleared his throat before continuing, "Listen, Ali. I suppose you've heard that we're planning to have a small birthday thing for Jayna on the 19th this month…"

"Yup, Jayna is here with me and she was just telling me about it."

"Ah. Great. So can we expect to see you then?" Was it my imagination or did Tom sound more than a little nervous?

"Umm. I don't think I can confirm just yet…" Perhaps I still had a shred of strength left in me after all.

"Oh." Tom coughed, and I could hear a second male voice murmuring in the background.

"Is that Harrison?"

I heard a loud "Oh shit!", and let out a giggle despite the awkward conversation we were having. "Okay, yup. That's Harrison."

Tom chuckled in embarrassment. "Yes, uhh, Harrison is just very excited about the party and wants me to get you to show up."

"Oh, right."

"I mean, it's not just Harrison. I would love it too if you could come. It's been a long while. It'd be good to catch up and all."

"I will try my best to make it," I said, keeping my tone neutral.

There was a pause, and for a second there, I thought we'd gotten cut off.

"Ali," Tom spoke again, this time minus the nervousness. "I've missed you… And I'm sorry if I've been making you confused about my behavior and – and everything. I promise I can explain. Can you please come to Manhattan on the 19th?"

"Trev…"

"And to sidetrack for a minute here, I heard that you turned down a scholarship recently. Did you know…"

"Did I know that you, the boy from Kingston, were involved with the Kingston Scholarship Fund? Umm yeah."

"Oh. Why didn't you accept the offer? Was it because of me?"

"Well. I mean, I was really grateful, don't get me wrong. But I didn't earn it. It wasn't awarded based on any merits. I just couldn't accept it."

"I absolutely understand. I just believe in you and your ability to achieve the big dreams you have. I wanted to show my support but maybe this wasn't the best way to go about doing it.."

"Hey, no. I really appreciate the gesture. It's a very generous amount. Please give it to someone deserving, okay?"

"Okay."

"And… I've missed you too."

Jayna, who was shamelessly listening in on the entire call, emitted a squeal.

"Really?"

I could hear the smile in Tom's voice, and my heart warmed. "Yeah."

"So I'll be seeing you then? In Manhattan?"

"I guess so. I wouldn't want to disappoint Harrison."

Tom laughed, and I wished I could see his face right now. "He'll be glad. I'll let him know."

"You do that," I said wryly.

"Take care, Ali. Can't wait to see you."

"Ditto," I replied. "Bye, Trev."