Chapter 16: Emotional roller coaster

Don't run me round and round

Don't build me up just to let me down

- Lauv & LANY

"Ali, are you ever going to go over to talk to Tom?" Jayna asked impatiently as her eyes flitted from me to Tom, who was standing by the bar counter with Harrison.

"There's no rush, is there? The night is still young," I said, taking a sip of my second gin and tonic. I was ready to order my third glass already.

Jayna rolled her eyes. "Ali, you're stalling."

"I'm stalling," I agreed. "Although to be fair, it was Tom who wanted to talk and explain everything, so he should make the move…"

"I swear, the both of you will be the death of me," Jayna proclaimed. She finished her glass of bourbon over ice – she'd always been a whisky girl – then gave me the firmest gaze.

"Ali, I'm going to get Harrison and Tom to record the birthday wish video they promised me for my YouTube channel. But right after that, I'm sending Tom your way. So be prepared, 'kay?"

"Well in that case, let me get three more G&Ts first…"

"Whatever it takes for you to lose the jitters, Ali," Jayna responded. "But don't blame me if you end up drunken in bed with Mr McGeek later. Or is that what you're aiming for..?"

"Oh my God, Jays. Please!" I protested as Jayna flashed an evil grin and blew me a kiss goodbye before walking away.

I looked down at my nearly empty glass, perhaps hoping to find some clarity in the alcohol. Nope, nothing.

My stomach emitted a growl, and I realized that I hadn't eaten much the entire day. I wandered to the table that held an assortment of finger food and polished off a small square of tuna and arugula sandwich. Then a second one. And a third.

I was unstoppable. In a split second, I had decided to load up a small clean plate with even more of those delectable tuna finger sandwiches.

Moments later, I sat myself down at the edge of the swimming pool with the plate of sandwiches placed next to me. I freed my feet from my high-heeled strappy sandals and gently dropped them into the warmth of the heated pool water.

It was a simple kind of bliss – just me, the sandwiches and the blanket of stars above. My ears picked up the hypnotic beats and soft crooning of a Billie Eilish song, and my shoulders began to sway along.

"Hello. Mind if I crash the party?"

I smiled at the sound of the accented voice and glanced up at Tom's ever-twinkling brown eyes. "It's a private event, but I suppose I should return the favor from you at Nuovo…"

"Yeah. Let me be the one to crash the party tonight," Tom replied with a wink. Without waiting for me to speak further, he crouched down and got into a sitting position.

My plate of sandwiches stood between us.

"Someone's hungry," Tom observed in amusement.

"They're so good. You need to try one if you haven't."

"Well, because you sold these li'l sandwiches so well, I must have one."

"Wise choice, Trev."

We each plucked a sandwich square that was consumed within seconds.

Tom let out a soft grunt of pleasure. "I regret nothing."

I laughed. "Right?"

"You know what would go brilliantly with the sandwiches? More gin and tonic."

"I wouldn't say no to that idea," I told him.

Tom caught the attention of a waiter nearby and made his request for two glasses of gin and tonic, which were promptly fulfilled.

"Cheers," Tom said as he brought his glass to meet mine with a clink.

"Cheers," I returned.

"Do you like the gin?" Tom asked hopefully.

"I do," I assured him. "It's got quite a few botanicals going on in there, but the flavors all come together really nicely."

"Yeah?" A wide smile tugged at Tom's lips.

"Yeah." I found myself smiling broadly too. "Thanks for getting the bottle. I'm sorry if it was a huge hassle though.."

"No, no. Don't listen to Haz. He was just trying to be funny, as always. It's absolutely fine."

"Okay." I suddenly started to feel shy again, a fact which I tried to hide by taking several successive sips of my drink.

"You know how Ryan Reynolds has his own brand of gin? Aviation Gin?"

I nodded.

"It's really good as well. I'll bring a bottle of that one the next time we meet."

I had to wonder if there was even going to be a next time…

Before I could finish my thought, my phone vibrated. I picked it up and saw that Owen was calling me.

Oh crap.

"Ali?" Tom peered at me, noticing my phone's flashing screen. "Aren't you going to answer your phone?"

I honestly didn't want to. Here I was, a nervous wreck in front of Tom and still struggling to find some form of courage to bring up all the burning questions I had for him. Although I wasn't sure why Owen was calling, I did know that I couldn't handle talking to him right now, in the midst of all this.

"Uhh.." I stared at Tom who was waiting expectantly for my response.

Without thinking it through, I blurted out, "You know what? I'll just call back later. Right now the pool is totally calling me, so I think I'm gonna take a dip."

Tom raised his eyebrows at me. "Really? That's so random."

With a mighty gulp, I finished the last of my gin and tonic. I proceeded to get up on my feet, pulled my sweater off and slid my skirt down, forgetting to be self-conscious about being seen in nothing but a bikini.

"Coming?" I quipped to Tom impulsively before plunging into the glinting pool water with a splash.

For a moment, I contemplated staying underwater for as long as I could. To escape everything – Owen, Tom, and probably even myself.

I was startled by a second splash in the pool, and then by the sight of Tom as he submerged and moved toward me with an enthusiastic wave of his hand. I saw that he had stripped off his more formal tailored grey short pants and was now in a pair of neon orange swim shorts.

Despite how I was feeling, I was compelled to collapse into a fit of giggles, which wasn't a good idea while I was still holding my breath underwater.

I signaled at Tom before I kicked my legs and boosted myself up to the surface.

Tom appeared next to me several seconds later and immediately said, "Ali, are you okay? You're not drunk or anything, are you?"

I let out a giggle. "I don't know. Am I?"

I was feeling too many things at once.

The cold gust of wind tickling my face in stark contrast to the heated water I was standing in. Panic from Owen's call. Anxiety plus a touch of giddy from the nearness of Tom, who was shirtless – I'd never noticed his muscles until now. And his pair of orange trunks that was still threatening to send me into a proper laughing fit.

And yeah, I might just be tipsy from all the alcohol too.

Tom was studying me, half-amused and half-worried. "Oh hey, you have a tattoo," he remarked.

"Oh, this?" I looked down on the left side of my ribcage, where three tiny stars were inked right below where my bikini top ended. The stars were connected by dotted lines to mimic a constellation. Small, but it represented my entire universe.

"Yeah, it looks cool."

"Thanks." I took in a deep breath before I continued, "The stars – they represent my parents and my little sister. I.. I lost them when I was 13."

Tom's eyes widened. "I'm sorry –"

"No, don't worry. It's okay." I gazed into Tom's eyes, soft and kind, and decided to keep talking. "I don't really tell people about it because it gets awkward for everyone and I don't need any pity. But yeah, my family and I got into a car accident on a snowy night in Glasgow, where we were visiting some Scottish relatives on my dad's side. I was the sole survivor, but the accident left me with some scars. When I turned 18, I decided to turn one of the scars into a tattoo."

"That's a beautiful story behind the tattoo." Tom smiled, a little sadly, and murmured, "I wish I'd known you earlier, Ali. So I could've been there for you…"

I became more than a little misty-eyed upon hearing Tom's words – talk about riding an emotional roller coaster. I now suspected alcohol influence more than ever. But alcohol effect or not, it didn't change the fact that Tom had an unbelievably huge capacity to care deeply about people. Even someone insignificant like me. How could such a heart of pure gold exist? And how did I luck out in crossing paths with it?

Something clicked in my mind. The sad eyes that Tom was wearing, I'd seen it before. I said, "Trev, when we were at the rooftop deck in Nuovo… You were thinking about your Uncle Ollie, weren't you?"

Tom gave me a surprised smile. "How did you even guess?"

"Just like how you guessed my name, I guess. Some mysterious cosmic wisdom in action."

The intensity of Tom's stare at me was almost too much to bear. I had to distract myself before I started falling way too deep again for those brown eyes.

"How is he doing now, by the way? Uncle Ollie?" I asked.

"Well, there's been some potentially good news. He's going to try out some new radical treatment involving laser of some sort. It sounds promising, but nobody really knows how it'll turn out. But it's worth a shot."

"Trev, that's so great!" Despite not being a hugger in any situation at all, I had to resist the urge to throw my arms around Tom there and then.

"Yeah." Tom beamed. Then he cleared his throat. "How are things going with, uhh, Owen? If I'm not prying, that is."

I thought about it for a second. "I don't quite know," I confessed. "We're still going out, but I'm not sure when – or if we'll move forward."

"Why is that?"

"I wish I knew. Maybe I'm just too used to being on my own," I mused. "I have Jayna of course. She's really the exception. Apart from her, I've never felt the need to have anyone else be a major part of my life. My reflex is always to keep people at arm's length. At a comfortable distance."

Until you came along, Trev. But what good are all my feelings when I can't figure you out?

Of course, I could always ask him this. Should I? Dare I?

"Looks like it's back to my turn to ask you a question now," I remarked.

Tom chuckled as he too seemed to notice that we'd begun an unofficial game of 20 Questions. "Looks like it. So go ahead. I'm ready."

But was I ready?

I absent-mindedly ran my fingers across the pool surface, flicking water droplets from my fingertips. After a long pause as my mind and heart raced, I squeaked out, "Umm… Have you ever been in love?"

"Yeah, twice," Tom replied without missing a beat. "I mean, I'm actually super careful with my heart, but the moment I fall, that's it. It becomes hard for me to think about anything else, and even when my brain asks me to slow down, my heart just wants to jump ahead to the happily-ever-after part…"

He stopped, an embarrassed grin touching his lips. "Sorry, I'm rambling… And it's so disgustingly mushy, isn't it?"

"Totally, but I promise I won't tell," I replied. To be honest, I found it endearing. But then again, he could be reading a grocery list and I'd probably still find it endearing.

"What about you, Ali?"

I looked at Tom, well aware of the alcohol buzzing inside of me. "Have I ever been in love before? … Yes."

"With who?"

"That's.. also something I won't tell," I responded with a casual shrug. Even I couldn't be sure myself if I was merely teasing or dead serious. Maybe a mix of both.

Tom waded closer to me. "Come on, Ali. Spill," he coaxed.

"Nuh uhh."

"But you have to tell me."

"And why is that?"

"Because… Because I'm Spider-Man."

I burst out laughing. "And if I don't, are you going to do something with your, uhh, web thingies?" Clearly, I wasn't the biggest Spider-Man fan who was familiar with all the terms.

Tom took one step closer. "Yup. Don't make me whip out my web thingies," he mock-threatened.

"I'm trembling in my knees."

"Are you now?" Tom moved right into my space, closing the gap that was between us. I could see the tiny beads of water dotting his chest.

This was all too close for comfort, yet I was frozen in place as Tom's intense stare returned.

"Absolutely." I wasn't entirely kidding.

For the briefest moment, my nerves mysteriously disappeared. A strange calmness took over, and I found myself saying, "So my turn again to ask a question…"

"Okay…" Tom's voice had become huskier than usual.

"I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"… Why do you look like you want to kiss me?"

Tom's gaze that was previously fixed on my lips now shifted up to meet my eyes. "I guess it's because I do.."

He slowly brought his hand to the side of my face. Gently caressing my cheek. When I didn't move, he leaned in and brushed his lips against mine.

As we kissed, a quiet fire ignited inside of me. I was shackled, and instead of wanting to run away or wishing I was somewhere else – I felt I was finally home.

And it would've been so easy to get lost in it. To just stay in this moment forever, lip-locked with Tom, because I didn't know if I wanted to do anything else with my time on this planet.

But.

Tonight was supposed to be about getting answers.

I drew on superhuman strength as I pulled away from Tom and took a step back breathlessly.

"Ali?" Tom's eyes flashed with worry. "Look, I'm sorry if I went too far –"

"No, no. It's not that," I said, furrowing my brows as I mentally constructed my words in my head.

It's now or never.

"Trev," I began, "The thing is, I came here tonight to get clarity. About us. You said you'd explain everything. And I really need that. You know I've been so confused by you. And I don't think I can see you again if this keeps going and we don't start being honest with each other…"

Tom was silent for a moment. His eyes were cast downward, his entire face unreadable. Then he exhaled loudly and lifted his eyes back up so that he was fully looking at me.

"Ali…" he spoke, sounding slightly weary and plenty serious. "I owe you an apology. A huge one."