Title: Sweet Misery Part 6/?
Author: Emily
Rating: PG 13. Maybe a mild R in this part.
Category: B/A of course, I love them. Dawn/Spike. Mention of X/A, W/T, and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS.
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, anyone I've missed out who has the other parts etc. If you want to archive you have to take If Only She Knew and the rest of this story too, email and let me know where it's going up.
Disclaimer: "I'm not going to give you what you want, I'm going to give you what you *need*". Nope that's not me, and no I *really* didn't need to see B/S and C/A. Hell I'm willing to give you what you *want* :) And need...I need B/A. *sigh* If only Joss saw things that way.
Feedback: You have to ask? It's not beneath me to beg ;) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
AN: I was listening to Jewel, and getting all teary and I needed some B/A sweetness. Yeah I may just go back to the angst next part lol, but here's some fluff :) Feedback would rock!
Sweet Misery
" Don't move, don't breathe, don't change, don't leave Promise me, say you'll stay, oh we'll stay this way" - This Way, Jewel
Part 6: Buffy
" Angel it's the middle of the night" I say frowning and rub my eyes. Of all the stupid excuses and reasons why not, I say it's the middle of the night? We're always awake now. Always. Even though he's human now and I'm not really the Slayer anymore it's still that way. I fleetingly wonder what my hair's like, feeling that self conscious rush of feeling that I always felt on those strange attempts at 'dates' we had.
" I didn't wake you up?" He asks.
" No, I was just up because of Dawnie coming home". I wish Dawn was here now. I don't trust myself alone with Angel. When he's around I seem to lose control of my words and emotions. The lights dim everywhere else. Still. Isn't that strange? Here I am, 26 years old, wigging out over Angel again and not in control of my heart. Exact same way I was ten freaking years ago. The lights still dim, and my heart still beats faster when I'm with him. Guess that means I love him, I think helplessly. Oh I'm helpless right here and now. Because I love him - and if he kissed me then I wouldn't stop him. I could fall so easily with one word, one touch from him.
" I miss you" Angel says.
Falling can't be a bad thing, I think blurrily. Everything is kinda blurry here with him as these words trip off his lips.
" You miss me?" I ask softly. " Angel we went years without speaking much or seeing each other. And now, now we are talking and you miss me?"
" I always missed you." Angel says. " It's more now." He looks at me with honest eyes.
" Do you want to come in?" I ask.
" Thanks" He says and we go in. Sit on the sofa. I'm not going to fall without putting up some kind of fight and sitting on the bed with him again would definitely make me fall.
" Where are you staying?" It's just a question. Something to keep me from staring at him. Changes the subject from I miss you too.
" Hotel." Angel says with a shrug.
" Oh." I say and then I ask the question that I guess I should have asked first of all. " Are you okay?"
I look at him this time. I think I manage to make it not a stare.
Angel shrugs again and smiles a slight smile. " I guess I will be. That's what happens with these things right? You divide up the house and belongings, move on."
" I wouldn't know."
He looks at me. I didn't mean to sound sad. I didn't mean to *be* sad. It wasn't in my plans for life. They included marrying Angel when he became human and living happily ever after. Not sitting here sad beside him not knowing what to say and wishing that he loved me. Y'know, that Cordelia was some mistake and he loved me all along. I want to cry.
Angel's hand reaches up and strokes underneath my eye. I didn't know I had actually cried but sure enough a tear falls gently down my face and then he strokes it away. I close my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. They keep on falling. Angel brushes them away so gently. His other hand strokes my cheek and I open my eyes and look at him. Angel doesn't pull away from me, his hand strokes further down my cheek and his eyes meet mine. Open and honest again - and raw.
" Buffy..." He starts to say. " I feel like I should hurt more...I married her, I was with her for years and it doesn't hurt as much as - " He stops.
" As what?" I ask lightly. This is anything but light but my voice somehow manages not to break.
" That time I said goodbye to you. When I gave you the claddagh ring. It doesn't hurt like that. Not like when I left after your graduation or breaking up with you or when I danced with you or... Shouldn't it hurt?" He asks, almost like a child, his voice a whisper.
I nod a little, helpless again. " I think it's supposed to hurt." I say weakly as his hand traces my cheek.
Angel nods and I'm lost.
I fall apart whenever he's around. I just fall. I have the feeling that if I don't somehow do something to stop myself now then I'll fall forever. Forever. It used to mean so much to me and then all of a sudden it was meaningless. Just a word for something that could never happen. Yet now, I can almost grasp the forever that slipped away from us. It's as though it's still there, just waiting.
And that's why I kiss him.
I'm not thinking too clearly only that this is Angel and goddamn it, goddamn me but I *love* him. And he might just love me. It didn't hurt with Cordelia, not like us. It wasn't like us. That's all and now I'm falling again and it's even better than I remember. Oh I don't think I've ever fallen this far before. My lips are soft and hesitant against his - like I've forgotten how to kiss but then Angel's gently pressing his lips against mine and teasing my mouth open. Not that I need much teasing. I kiss him for all the kisses we should have had and didn't.
He tastes as good as he used to. That oh so familiar taste of heartache is there on his lips too though. It's always been there from that first kiss when I was young and naive and couldn't feel the pain, from then till now, whatever this is. I ignore it though. I ignore the chill that comes over me when I think of him and Cordelia this way. His hand slips around my neck, touching my hair and the chill fades. It fades till it's just me and him. Lost in this kiss. Cordelia's not there, nor Spike nor Riley not anyone else.
It's all gentle, this press of lips and desperate touches. He says my name as he kisses me, other things too. He might have said 'I love you' but I'm so lost that I don't know if I say it back or just moan in his arms. That haven that's his arms and body is all around me. Somehow we undress each other, everything blurry and clear, and I'm saying his name again and again. Angel, oh Angel. I'm not clear on when he slides inside of me and when my hips lift against his but my eyes are closed and everything is clear there. Darkness, kisses, starlight, a dance, sweet tears, warm strong arms, yes heartache, blood too but it's all so clear and deliciously warm and consuming. I feel forever and I just fall.
* * *
tbc...
feedback? :) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
Author: Emily
Rating: PG 13. Maybe a mild R in this part.
Category: B/A of course, I love them. Dawn/Spike. Mention of X/A, W/T, and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS.
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, anyone I've missed out who has the other parts etc. If you want to archive you have to take If Only She Knew and the rest of this story too, email and let me know where it's going up.
Disclaimer: "I'm not going to give you what you want, I'm going to give you what you *need*". Nope that's not me, and no I *really* didn't need to see B/S and C/A. Hell I'm willing to give you what you *want* :) And need...I need B/A. *sigh* If only Joss saw things that way.
Feedback: You have to ask? It's not beneath me to beg ;) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk
AN: I was listening to Jewel, and getting all teary and I needed some B/A sweetness. Yeah I may just go back to the angst next part lol, but here's some fluff :) Feedback would rock!
Sweet Misery
" Don't move, don't breathe, don't change, don't leave Promise me, say you'll stay, oh we'll stay this way" - This Way, Jewel
Part 6: Buffy
" Angel it's the middle of the night" I say frowning and rub my eyes. Of all the stupid excuses and reasons why not, I say it's the middle of the night? We're always awake now. Always. Even though he's human now and I'm not really the Slayer anymore it's still that way. I fleetingly wonder what my hair's like, feeling that self conscious rush of feeling that I always felt on those strange attempts at 'dates' we had.
" I didn't wake you up?" He asks.
" No, I was just up because of Dawnie coming home". I wish Dawn was here now. I don't trust myself alone with Angel. When he's around I seem to lose control of my words and emotions. The lights dim everywhere else. Still. Isn't that strange? Here I am, 26 years old, wigging out over Angel again and not in control of my heart. Exact same way I was ten freaking years ago. The lights still dim, and my heart still beats faster when I'm with him. Guess that means I love him, I think helplessly. Oh I'm helpless right here and now. Because I love him - and if he kissed me then I wouldn't stop him. I could fall so easily with one word, one touch from him.
" I miss you" Angel says.
Falling can't be a bad thing, I think blurrily. Everything is kinda blurry here with him as these words trip off his lips.
" You miss me?" I ask softly. " Angel we went years without speaking much or seeing each other. And now, now we are talking and you miss me?"
" I always missed you." Angel says. " It's more now." He looks at me with honest eyes.
" Do you want to come in?" I ask.
" Thanks" He says and we go in. Sit on the sofa. I'm not going to fall without putting up some kind of fight and sitting on the bed with him again would definitely make me fall.
" Where are you staying?" It's just a question. Something to keep me from staring at him. Changes the subject from I miss you too.
" Hotel." Angel says with a shrug.
" Oh." I say and then I ask the question that I guess I should have asked first of all. " Are you okay?"
I look at him this time. I think I manage to make it not a stare.
Angel shrugs again and smiles a slight smile. " I guess I will be. That's what happens with these things right? You divide up the house and belongings, move on."
" I wouldn't know."
He looks at me. I didn't mean to sound sad. I didn't mean to *be* sad. It wasn't in my plans for life. They included marrying Angel when he became human and living happily ever after. Not sitting here sad beside him not knowing what to say and wishing that he loved me. Y'know, that Cordelia was some mistake and he loved me all along. I want to cry.
Angel's hand reaches up and strokes underneath my eye. I didn't know I had actually cried but sure enough a tear falls gently down my face and then he strokes it away. I close my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. They keep on falling. Angel brushes them away so gently. His other hand strokes my cheek and I open my eyes and look at him. Angel doesn't pull away from me, his hand strokes further down my cheek and his eyes meet mine. Open and honest again - and raw.
" Buffy..." He starts to say. " I feel like I should hurt more...I married her, I was with her for years and it doesn't hurt as much as - " He stops.
" As what?" I ask lightly. This is anything but light but my voice somehow manages not to break.
" That time I said goodbye to you. When I gave you the claddagh ring. It doesn't hurt like that. Not like when I left after your graduation or breaking up with you or when I danced with you or... Shouldn't it hurt?" He asks, almost like a child, his voice a whisper.
I nod a little, helpless again. " I think it's supposed to hurt." I say weakly as his hand traces my cheek.
Angel nods and I'm lost.
I fall apart whenever he's around. I just fall. I have the feeling that if I don't somehow do something to stop myself now then I'll fall forever. Forever. It used to mean so much to me and then all of a sudden it was meaningless. Just a word for something that could never happen. Yet now, I can almost grasp the forever that slipped away from us. It's as though it's still there, just waiting.
And that's why I kiss him.
I'm not thinking too clearly only that this is Angel and goddamn it, goddamn me but I *love* him. And he might just love me. It didn't hurt with Cordelia, not like us. It wasn't like us. That's all and now I'm falling again and it's even better than I remember. Oh I don't think I've ever fallen this far before. My lips are soft and hesitant against his - like I've forgotten how to kiss but then Angel's gently pressing his lips against mine and teasing my mouth open. Not that I need much teasing. I kiss him for all the kisses we should have had and didn't.
He tastes as good as he used to. That oh so familiar taste of heartache is there on his lips too though. It's always been there from that first kiss when I was young and naive and couldn't feel the pain, from then till now, whatever this is. I ignore it though. I ignore the chill that comes over me when I think of him and Cordelia this way. His hand slips around my neck, touching my hair and the chill fades. It fades till it's just me and him. Lost in this kiss. Cordelia's not there, nor Spike nor Riley not anyone else.
It's all gentle, this press of lips and desperate touches. He says my name as he kisses me, other things too. He might have said 'I love you' but I'm so lost that I don't know if I say it back or just moan in his arms. That haven that's his arms and body is all around me. Somehow we undress each other, everything blurry and clear, and I'm saying his name again and again. Angel, oh Angel. I'm not clear on when he slides inside of me and when my hips lift against his but my eyes are closed and everything is clear there. Darkness, kisses, starlight, a dance, sweet tears, warm strong arms, yes heartache, blood too but it's all so clear and deliciously warm and consuming. I feel forever and I just fall.
* * *
tbc...
feedback? :) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk