Hi again. I know I said I'd explain things in this chapter, but I got caught up in the whole emotional angle of all this, and as a result, I got sappy instead--Oh BOY, did I get sappy… But don't worry, everything WILL be made clear soon.
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 8 and all characters referred to herein are the property of Squaresoft.
Chapter 12-Remembrance
"LOOK OUT!!" Seifer thundered as he charged through the hallways. Squall was right behind him, cradling Zell's unconscious body in his arms. "Get outta the way, you guys!!" Seifer was about ten feet ahead of him, clearing a makeshift path through the throngs of students who'd suddenly appeared in the halls that led to the Infirmary. It seemed like the whole Garden had been roused from slumber. The students were dumbstruck, talking among themselves , wondering what was wrong. Fear and confusion was etched into every face Squall raced past. Some of the girls were crying. Squall was a little surprised by that. Not that people were crying over Zell, but the fact that so many people knew something was wrong already. How did that happen?
Squall shoved it all away. There was no time to address it now. He'd just saved Zell from blowing his head off; he wasn't about to lose him now to a drug overdose.
"Clear outta the way! Move it or lose it!!" Seifer was shooing the students out of the way left and right as they headed into the home stretch past the main staircase and down the hall toward the Infirmary where a good amount of the student body was already assembled. The others were already there; Quistis and Rinoa were trying to keep things moderately calm along with Fujin and Raijin. Irvine was standing near the guardrail on the right with a very worried-looking Selphie. Xu was there as well, talking quickly to the both of them. Xu asked Irvine something, and he nodded in response, handing her a small black case. She glanced at it quickly, he eyes widening. She swerved around quickly, and bolted down the hall toward Dr. Kadowaki's office, shouting Nida's name.
"Oh God…ZELL!" Selphie gasped in horror as Seifer approached with Squall moving quickly in his wake. Irvine took her by the shoulders as Rinoa and Quistis broke from the crush of students and hurried toward them. Some of the crowd tried to push their way closer, only to be blocked by Fuijin and Raijin.
"Hey, take it easy!" Raijin yelled, pushing some of the crowd back. "Give 'em room ta get by, ya know?"
"RECEED!" Fujin ordered at his side, her hand halfway to her shuriken.
"Oh no…Squall…he's…he's not--"Irvine asked as he and the others closed in on them, all of them drinking in the terrible sight of Zell hanging limp in Squall's trembling arms.
"No, he's not, Irvine," Squall's voice was thick with determined ferocity, "he's not, and there's no way in hell I'm gonna let him slip away from us now. Not after all this."
"Nida's prepping the Infirmary for Zell now. Xu's helping him." Quistis said, touching Squall's arm. He could see she was battling to keep her calm, but the sight of Zell looking so pale and weak was getting to her.
"I gotta get Zell in there…Guys?" Squall asked, looking around.
"Go," Rinoa told him. "We'll handle things here." The others nodded in consent. Squall took a step forward, then stopped short, turning to Seifer, a look of unspoken gratitude on his face. "Seifer…I…"
Seifer squeezed his shoulder. "Just get Zell in there, huh? We can hash out the past after he's okay."
Squall nodded. "Thanks." He dashed down the hallway, feeling the worried eyes of everyone in the Garden trained on his retreating back. He squeezed Zell tight against his chest as he picked up his pace.
He only prayed that when he saw all those eyes again, it would be to tell them that Zell would be all right.
"Squall! Over here!" Nida shouted as Squall barged through the Infirmary door, almost losing his balance and his grip on Zell as he skidded across the threshold of the small room. Xu was frantically prepping the detoxicification equipment as well as priming an oxygen unit and breath mask in case it was necessary. Squall laid Zell down on the operating table., then moved to the side to give Nida access, pressing a stethescope to Zell's chest.
"Status?" Xu asked.
"Decelerated breathing and heart rate," Nida said, worried. "He's not responding to outside stimulus, either."
"Damn," Xu swore. "We'll have pump his stomach and run a full detoxicification sweep. I'm amazed he's still with us at all after all those pills he took."
"What kind were they?" Squall asked.
"Xerevin," Nida told him. "Irvine and Selphie found them in Zell's room. We don't know how much he took, though. The medicine cabinet in the other room was broken open, so Zell must've gotten them from there.
"My God," Squall muttered. Xerevin was a drug developed by a medical firm in Esthar. It was usually administered in small doses to patients who were undergoing surgery within a twelve-hour frame of time as a physical and mental relaxant. But in large doses, the side effects were severe, the most prominent being emotional instability. But Zell's emotions had been all over the place lately, so the drugs were only responsible for the scene on the terrace. And it didn't explain what Squall had seen before Zell had passed out. The sight of his friend's eyes, and the inhuman voice in which he'd spoken still glared against his mind's eye…
…I am the Messenger…time…can…not…still...my…words…
"Squall…" Xu's voice brought him back to himself, "Squall, we need to get started. You'll have to wait outside--"
"I'm not going any further than outside this room, Xu," Squall said, leaving no room for negotiation. "Zell needs me, and I came too damn close to losing him tonight. There's no way in hell I'm leaving here until this is over…one way or the other. I owe him that much." Squall tensed up instantly, expecting that Xu was going to pull rank on him, but after a second, she replied, "Fair enough. Now please, Squall…wait outside."
Squall shut his eyes and nodded, fighting back fresh tears. He was halfway out the door, poised to leave. But then he looked over his shoulder at Xu and Nida.
"I'm counting on you two," he stumbled out softly. "Please guys…please don't let him die."
Nida flashed a confident smile and a thumbs-up sign--the first sign of hope Squall had that Zell might pull through. Xu nodded, her expression guarded, but comforting somehow.
"No one dies on my watch, Squall."
The crowd in the hall outside the Infirmary wasn't getting any smaller. In fact, it had doubled in volume since Squall took Zell inside not more than a few minutes ago. Quistis had never seen anything like it before. All these students assembled here for one person-- it was truly amazing. Even the junior classmen were here showing their concern for Zell. She knew he was popular among the students, but she hadn't expected this at all.
Her eyes roamed over the crowd, coming to rest on Seifer. He was talking to a small cluster of the junior classmen who looked especially worried about Zell. She watched as Seifer crouched down in the middle of the small group, and put his hand on the shoulder of the boys who was trying to fight back his tears. Quistis couldn't quite make out what Seifer was saying to him, but whatever it was, it seemed to help considerably, because the boy wiped his eyes and managed a smile and a nod. Seifer grinned--actually grinned--back at him, and gently ruffled his hair in response. The whole scene was oddly touching, and Quistis found herself smiling unconsciously.
"I haven't seen him like that in a long time." Quistis turned to see Rinoa standing beside her, her arms wrapped around herself. "He's not all awful, Quistis. Seifer can be one of the nicest people you'll ever meet when he wants to be." Rinoa looked back at him and sighed. "I'd almost forgotten that with all that's happened between us."
"It's strange, isn't it?" Quistis asked. "How we can hurt each other so casually when we're children? It's ironic that the only memories I can fully recall now are the ones I have of teasing Zell when we all lived at the Orphanage. It wasn't just Seifer, Rinoa. Irvine, Selphie, and I-- we all had turns at Zell in one form or the other. True, I didn't do it as much as they did--being bossy was my racket back then--,but I was hardly innocent. And even though we never meant to be truly cruel with the things we said, we hurt him anyway. The only one of us who never teased him was Squall.
"Now that I think about it…Squall was the one who always put a stop to it. Whenever one of us would start in on Zell, Squall would jump in and break it up. He got into quite a few fist fights with Seifer over that. Afterward, he'd come up to Zell, and put his arm around him, and the two of them would go off by themselves somewhere. We never did find out what they did together, but they always disappeared for the rest of the day. Squall was so different then. He was quiet and usually kept to himself when he wasn't with Ellone, but he was always friendly with Zell. They were inseparable back then…"
"And then Ellone vanished…" Rinoa said, "and everything changed."
"To put it kindly," Quistis sighed. She watched as Rinoa's eyes trailed down the hallway towards the Infirmary, and lingered on the closed door at the end. Quistis took Rinoa's hands, and nodded. "Go to him, Rinoa. He needs you."
"He needs all of us, Qustis--not just me."
"I know. But I don't think he can handle seeing all of us just yet. But tell him we're here if he needs us."
Rinoa nodded. "I will." She turned and headed down the hallway.
Strange…the walk from where she was to the Infirmary felt longer for some reason…
Squall sat in stony silence on the small bed in the Infirmary, the same one Rinoa had been resting on after her encounter with Ultimecia had left her comatose. Squall thought he had lost her forever then, and the irony of being in this same room with the threat of another devastating loss hanging over his head was almost more than he could take. Especially now.
Because he was starting to remember things. Memories that he thought were lost to him forever had inexplicably resurfaced up on the terrace after years of emotional suppression… and they all centered on Zell. Squall repressed a involuntary shudder as he brushed gloved fingers across the cool metal surface of his necklace, Griever hanging around his neck and flat against his chest like some eternal sentinel guarding over his heart. It was the one constant in his life since his days at the Orphanage. But there was more to it now--much more.
Because now he remembered where it had come from. And who had given it to him.
He clenched a trembling fist around Griever, tears forming behind tightly shut eyes. He felt so cold all of a sudden, like the ephemeral breath of Shiva had blown down the back of his neck, and chilled him down to the soul. He couldn't stop trembling.
But then a gentle weight shifted the mattress next to him, a familiar warmth circling around his neck, driving away the cold . He raised his head and found Rinoa's dark eyes searching his own. She reached for his face, fingertips brushing away the tears on his cheeks.
"Nothing yet?" She asked hopefully.
"…No… I'm scared, Noa…scared out of my mind…" Squall's eyes moved to the front of the room. "How is it out there…? Is everything okay…?"
"Everyone's on edge, but things quieted down some a while ago," she replied, moving closer to him. "And you? Are you all right?"
Squall laughed without humor. "Sure, if you think slowly going to pieces qualifies as being 'all right'." He sighed, huffing his bangs out of his face irritably. "It's my fault, Rinoa."
"Squall, don't go there--"
"Why shouldn't I?" Squall cut in. "It's true. Partly, anyway. If I hadn't locked myself away in my own self-centered universe, maybe Zell would've come to me. He would've trusted me enough to let me in. Why, Noa? Why do we always find out all this stuff when it's too late to make any difference? We hold in so much of the things we really wanna tell the people we love, and when we finally work up the courage, it's…it's…" Squall lost the words, couldn't find them again.
"Too late?" Rinoa finished, taking Squall's face in her hands. "I don't know, Squall. I guess we're too embarrassed or afraid of being rejected in the end. But Squall--no one can blame you for wanting to escape from the pain you felt back then. You were so young, and you were all alone."
"Yeah, and it's my own fault," Squall said flatly. "I made the choice to be how I was. Nobody forced me. I could've let people help me, Rinoa. I could've been the person Zell needed me to be before all this came down, but no…I shut him out--I shut everyone out, and look where it got me. Look where it got Zell…" he trailed off , staring down at his hand where he'd been clutching at his necklace. Rinoa looked at it, puzzled.
"…Griever?" she asked tentatively.
Squall nodded, his voice down to a whisper. "…Zell, he…he's the one who…he's the one who gave Griever to me. When we were kids…"
Rinoa's eyes widened as Squall went on. "I remember it now. It all came back to me on the terrace…most of it, anyway. The other kids--Irvine…Selphie…Quistis, every once in a while…and Seifer--of course, Seifer…they picked on him a lot, called him a cry-baby and all that. I was the only one who didn't. I hated it so much, but Zell…he'd just sit there and take it, except when it came from Seifer. But when the others did it, he'd…he'd just shut down. He wouldn't fight back, and I couldn't understand why. So whenever I saw them do it--"
"You'd break it up," Rinoa finished. Squall turned to her, gray eyes full of questions. "Quistis told me the whole story before I came in here. She was so ashamed of herself when she finished up. I thought she was gonna cry for a minute."
"I know the feeling." Squall wiped his eyes, but the tears kept coming anyway. "I remember I asked Zell why he'd go after Seifer, but wouldn't stand up for himself when the others gave him the same kind of grief. He said to me, 'Cause it's different with them. They're my friends. Seifer's not.' And remember thinking to myself, 'With friends like that, who the hell needs enemies?' That's part of why I hung around Ellone the way I did--she never made anybody feel like that. No matter who it was, she treated everybody the same. She didn't believe in playing favorites. That's why I loved her so much.
"But anyway, Zell and I--we were so close back then. I mean, on the days when all of us got along, things were great. But Zell was my favorite person when Sis wasn't there… We'd go to the lighthouse at the end of the beach, and hang out there all day when we wanted to it be just the two of us… Even back then he was hyper. He just couldn't sit still, y'know? Always jumping around, punching and kicking at stuff, handsprings and back flips all over the place… He was something else…" Squall was smiling now, the tears in his eyes finally gone.
"So…when did Zell give you Griever?" Rinoa asked, caught up in the story.
" The day after Ellone disappeared. I was a wreck… to say the least." Squall sighed, the smile on his face slipping away. "I was out in the rain all alone, crying my eyes out when he found me… Zell tried so hard to make it better, but I didn't wanna hear it… All I wanted was her…. After a few minutes, he fished Griever out of his pocket, and showed it to me. I stopped crying long enough to ask him what it was, and he said he found it on the beach somewhere a few months ago. He told me he couldn't believe anybody could let something that looked so cool get away from them. I could tell he really liked it, though. He said I was the only person he'd shown it to...
"Then he reached over and put it around my neck, and he said, 'That's for you, Squall.' I just looked back at him, and I asked him, '…why…?' I mean , here he was--giving up something he liked so much for me, and for what…? I didn't get it then. But then he reached out and put his arms around my neck, and he…he hugged me, and he said… 'Cause you're my best friend… 'cause you're hurtin' an' I wanna make it okay for you… but I guess it's just cause…I love you…'
"I guess I lost it then, because I was hugging Zell as hard as I could, crying all over again…Nobody had ever told me they loved me before except Sis… it was so weird, Noa… I was all torn up inside…but…I was happy… does that make sense…?"
"All the sense in the world," Rinoa answered tenderly, resting her chin on Squall's shoulder, circling her arms around his stomach. Squall leaned into the touch hungrily, and fully returned the embrace , his nose in her hair.
"Everything else after that's still pretty gray, except for the times I talked to Sis when I was by myself. When I finally enrolled here, I buried myself in the training. It kept me from thinking about things too much. And when I started using Guardian Forces, I didn't even care about the memory loss--Hell, a big part of me welcomed it…just to give me a way out of the pain…to keep from dealing with it. God…I was so naïve, Rinoa… I wanted to lose the pain so much, I ended up taking everything that ever made me feel loved along with it." Squall sighed, putting his face in his hands. "And now Zell--"
"No," Rinoa said, shaking her head, "not Zell. He's still here, Squall. He's alive. And as long as he is, there's still hope. And I think the reason you remembered all this was so you could tell him yourself how much you still need him. You can't give up, Squall…not now." Rinoa tightened her grip on him. "Don't lose your faith in that…or in Zell. He wants to live. I know he does…"
Squall stared into Rinoa's eyes, and saw the hope and the love that rested there staring back at him. And he welcomed it, the warmth and the love Rinoa shared with him finally driving away the last of the inner demons that had bound him since childhood. He touched his forehead to hers, like he'd done with Zell on the terrace, and smiled. "I don't need faith, Noa…when I've got you."
Rinoa blushed a bit as she tilted her head upward, brushing her lips across the bottom of his chin, about to go a bit further when the door to the room quietly shushed open.
"Squall?"
Squall and Rinoa looked up to see Nida and Xu standing in the doorway. They stood up instantly.
"How's Zell…?" Squall asked softly, hopefully. Nida and Xu looked at each other, then back at Squall, unable to speak for some reason. But they didn't need to, really.
The emotions in their eyes was enough to make Squall's heart stop.
"I can't stand anymore," Selphie announced suddenly. She'd been pacing the floor like an expectant father in a maternity ward waiting for news on Zell's condition. "I'm going in there." She marched toward the hallway with half the student body looking poised to follow her, when Quistis took her gently by the arm.
"Selphie, it's not going to help if you charge in there barking demands. We have to trust Xu and Nida."
"Nida, I trust. Xu…well, let's just say the jury's still out on that one," Selphie came back dryly.
'Hey, take it easy, Selph," Irvine wrapped his arms around her from behind. "C'mon, Xu's worried about Zell, too. You saw how freaked she was when we gave her that bottle of pills we found. She's not gonna let him die if she can help it."
"Humph," Selphie muttered, crossing her arms. She had to admit Irvine was right about that. The look of concern and fear Xu had on her face when Irvine had given her the empty bottle wasn't an act, but after all the strings she'd pulled trying to sneak Zell out of the Infirmary, and into a hospital behind Squall's back, Selphie wasn't ready to let Xu off the hook just yet.
"Yeah, but she's got a point, guys," Raijin said, stepping forward. "It's been too long, ya know?"
"AFFRIMITIVE," Fujin concurred. "DIRECT COURSE OF ACTION RECOMMENDED."
Quistis looked over at Seifer, who was standing next to them, his arms crossed "Do you agree with them?"
"You gotta ask?" Seifer answered. "We're not gonna get any answers standin' around here."
"No, we won't," Quistis sighed. She took a breath, and squared her shoulders. "All right, then. Let's go find out what's--"
Quistis was interrupted by a loud ripple of voices speaking and talking lowly in unison as it passed through the crowd of students around them. She and the others turned around and saw Squall and Rinoa coming down the hallway. Rinoa was alongside Squall, her arm threaded through his. Her eyes were trained on his face, which no one else could see since his head was hanging so low his chin touched his chest. His shoulders were slumped as he approached the expectant group, and Quistis felt a spiral of dread work its way into her throat as he and Rinoa finally came to a stop in front of the group.
"Guys?" Irvine asked. "What is it? How's Zell?"
"He's not…oh no, Squall, he's not…" Selphie brought trembling fingers to her mouth.
"Squall…?" Quistis could barely speak his name. Seifer, Raijin , and Fujin stared in silence waiting for him to answer. Everyone in the hallway seemed to be holding their breath.
Squall finally lifted his head to face his friends in a slow, aching fashion, his eyes slowly taking in the assembly before him. Every gaze he met returned his with hope and anxiety, each and every one pleading for answers. Squall steadied himself, took a breath, and then he said, the corners of his mouth rising into a bright smile of relief, "He's gonna be okay… Zell's gonna make it…!"
A tidal wave of relief washed over the group as cheering and shed tears of joy broke out in equal amounts, Selphie squealing happily and Irvine embracing her from behind, Raijin exchanging handshakes with some of the other classmen, while Fuijin celebrated quietly a few feet away, a look of relief written large across her normally-critical face. Seifer came up beside Qustis, and put a hand on her shoulder. And was pleasantly surprised when she welcomed the gesture fully by placing her hand on top of his. But no one in the group was as relieved and happy as Squall, who was smiling hugely as he hugged Rinoa, thanking God, thanking Hyne, thanking whoever that Zell was going to pull through.
Nida and Xu stood in the open doorway of the Infirmary watching the celebration. Nida looked just as happy as the others, but Xu looked anything but. The truth be told, she looked terribly disturbed.
"Xu? Nida asked after a minute, "are you okay?"
"I don't know, Nida," she answered absently. "I don't know what to make of any of this yet. I'm absolutely stumped. And for me, that's saying something."
"Xu…it was probably nothing. It might've been a side effect of the drugs or something," Nida offered.
"You don't believe that any more than I do. You saw it with your own eyes, just like me," Xu met Nida's gaze. "We weren't imagining this. Something strange happened in there, and I can't help wondering if it hasn't happened before."
"Are you gonna tell the others?" Nida asked.
"No. Not yet anyway. I don't want to spread falsehoods all over the Garden, and then end up being wrong about all this. I've hurt Zell enough as it is, trying to shuttle him off to a hospital behind everyone's backs. I don't blame Selphie for letting me have it." Xu sighed with frustration. "And I actually thought he plunged out of that tree to get some attention. I thought he was pulling a STUNT, for Hyne's sake! My God…what does that say about me, Nida? What kind of person am I??"
"Xu, don't…" Nida said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "All these recriminations aren't gonna do anyone any good. All we can do right now is figure where to go from here. Zell's probably gonna be asleep for a while, so we can puzzle it out after he wakes up."
"I can't wait that long," Xu said, looking back into the Infirmary, where Zell was still lying on the operating table. "Squall's not the only one who owes Zell, Nida. I do, too. And I have to make up for this somehow. Emotional upheavals don't just happen; something caused this, I'm sure of that much." She narrowed her eyes on Zell's sleeping body with a look of fixed determination.
"And I'm going to find out what if it's the last thing I do."
To be continued…
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 8 and all characters referred to herein are the property of Squaresoft.
Chapter 12-Remembrance
"LOOK OUT!!" Seifer thundered as he charged through the hallways. Squall was right behind him, cradling Zell's unconscious body in his arms. "Get outta the way, you guys!!" Seifer was about ten feet ahead of him, clearing a makeshift path through the throngs of students who'd suddenly appeared in the halls that led to the Infirmary. It seemed like the whole Garden had been roused from slumber. The students were dumbstruck, talking among themselves , wondering what was wrong. Fear and confusion was etched into every face Squall raced past. Some of the girls were crying. Squall was a little surprised by that. Not that people were crying over Zell, but the fact that so many people knew something was wrong already. How did that happen?
Squall shoved it all away. There was no time to address it now. He'd just saved Zell from blowing his head off; he wasn't about to lose him now to a drug overdose.
"Clear outta the way! Move it or lose it!!" Seifer was shooing the students out of the way left and right as they headed into the home stretch past the main staircase and down the hall toward the Infirmary where a good amount of the student body was already assembled. The others were already there; Quistis and Rinoa were trying to keep things moderately calm along with Fujin and Raijin. Irvine was standing near the guardrail on the right with a very worried-looking Selphie. Xu was there as well, talking quickly to the both of them. Xu asked Irvine something, and he nodded in response, handing her a small black case. She glanced at it quickly, he eyes widening. She swerved around quickly, and bolted down the hall toward Dr. Kadowaki's office, shouting Nida's name.
"Oh God…ZELL!" Selphie gasped in horror as Seifer approached with Squall moving quickly in his wake. Irvine took her by the shoulders as Rinoa and Quistis broke from the crush of students and hurried toward them. Some of the crowd tried to push their way closer, only to be blocked by Fuijin and Raijin.
"Hey, take it easy!" Raijin yelled, pushing some of the crowd back. "Give 'em room ta get by, ya know?"
"RECEED!" Fujin ordered at his side, her hand halfway to her shuriken.
"Oh no…Squall…he's…he's not--"Irvine asked as he and the others closed in on them, all of them drinking in the terrible sight of Zell hanging limp in Squall's trembling arms.
"No, he's not, Irvine," Squall's voice was thick with determined ferocity, "he's not, and there's no way in hell I'm gonna let him slip away from us now. Not after all this."
"Nida's prepping the Infirmary for Zell now. Xu's helping him." Quistis said, touching Squall's arm. He could see she was battling to keep her calm, but the sight of Zell looking so pale and weak was getting to her.
"I gotta get Zell in there…Guys?" Squall asked, looking around.
"Go," Rinoa told him. "We'll handle things here." The others nodded in consent. Squall took a step forward, then stopped short, turning to Seifer, a look of unspoken gratitude on his face. "Seifer…I…"
Seifer squeezed his shoulder. "Just get Zell in there, huh? We can hash out the past after he's okay."
Squall nodded. "Thanks." He dashed down the hallway, feeling the worried eyes of everyone in the Garden trained on his retreating back. He squeezed Zell tight against his chest as he picked up his pace.
He only prayed that when he saw all those eyes again, it would be to tell them that Zell would be all right.
"Squall! Over here!" Nida shouted as Squall barged through the Infirmary door, almost losing his balance and his grip on Zell as he skidded across the threshold of the small room. Xu was frantically prepping the detoxicification equipment as well as priming an oxygen unit and breath mask in case it was necessary. Squall laid Zell down on the operating table., then moved to the side to give Nida access, pressing a stethescope to Zell's chest.
"Status?" Xu asked.
"Decelerated breathing and heart rate," Nida said, worried. "He's not responding to outside stimulus, either."
"Damn," Xu swore. "We'll have pump his stomach and run a full detoxicification sweep. I'm amazed he's still with us at all after all those pills he took."
"What kind were they?" Squall asked.
"Xerevin," Nida told him. "Irvine and Selphie found them in Zell's room. We don't know how much he took, though. The medicine cabinet in the other room was broken open, so Zell must've gotten them from there.
"My God," Squall muttered. Xerevin was a drug developed by a medical firm in Esthar. It was usually administered in small doses to patients who were undergoing surgery within a twelve-hour frame of time as a physical and mental relaxant. But in large doses, the side effects were severe, the most prominent being emotional instability. But Zell's emotions had been all over the place lately, so the drugs were only responsible for the scene on the terrace. And it didn't explain what Squall had seen before Zell had passed out. The sight of his friend's eyes, and the inhuman voice in which he'd spoken still glared against his mind's eye…
…I am the Messenger…time…can…not…still...my…words…
"Squall…" Xu's voice brought him back to himself, "Squall, we need to get started. You'll have to wait outside--"
"I'm not going any further than outside this room, Xu," Squall said, leaving no room for negotiation. "Zell needs me, and I came too damn close to losing him tonight. There's no way in hell I'm leaving here until this is over…one way or the other. I owe him that much." Squall tensed up instantly, expecting that Xu was going to pull rank on him, but after a second, she replied, "Fair enough. Now please, Squall…wait outside."
Squall shut his eyes and nodded, fighting back fresh tears. He was halfway out the door, poised to leave. But then he looked over his shoulder at Xu and Nida.
"I'm counting on you two," he stumbled out softly. "Please guys…please don't let him die."
Nida flashed a confident smile and a thumbs-up sign--the first sign of hope Squall had that Zell might pull through. Xu nodded, her expression guarded, but comforting somehow.
"No one dies on my watch, Squall."
The crowd in the hall outside the Infirmary wasn't getting any smaller. In fact, it had doubled in volume since Squall took Zell inside not more than a few minutes ago. Quistis had never seen anything like it before. All these students assembled here for one person-- it was truly amazing. Even the junior classmen were here showing their concern for Zell. She knew he was popular among the students, but she hadn't expected this at all.
Her eyes roamed over the crowd, coming to rest on Seifer. He was talking to a small cluster of the junior classmen who looked especially worried about Zell. She watched as Seifer crouched down in the middle of the small group, and put his hand on the shoulder of the boys who was trying to fight back his tears. Quistis couldn't quite make out what Seifer was saying to him, but whatever it was, it seemed to help considerably, because the boy wiped his eyes and managed a smile and a nod. Seifer grinned--actually grinned--back at him, and gently ruffled his hair in response. The whole scene was oddly touching, and Quistis found herself smiling unconsciously.
"I haven't seen him like that in a long time." Quistis turned to see Rinoa standing beside her, her arms wrapped around herself. "He's not all awful, Quistis. Seifer can be one of the nicest people you'll ever meet when he wants to be." Rinoa looked back at him and sighed. "I'd almost forgotten that with all that's happened between us."
"It's strange, isn't it?" Quistis asked. "How we can hurt each other so casually when we're children? It's ironic that the only memories I can fully recall now are the ones I have of teasing Zell when we all lived at the Orphanage. It wasn't just Seifer, Rinoa. Irvine, Selphie, and I-- we all had turns at Zell in one form or the other. True, I didn't do it as much as they did--being bossy was my racket back then--,but I was hardly innocent. And even though we never meant to be truly cruel with the things we said, we hurt him anyway. The only one of us who never teased him was Squall.
"Now that I think about it…Squall was the one who always put a stop to it. Whenever one of us would start in on Zell, Squall would jump in and break it up. He got into quite a few fist fights with Seifer over that. Afterward, he'd come up to Zell, and put his arm around him, and the two of them would go off by themselves somewhere. We never did find out what they did together, but they always disappeared for the rest of the day. Squall was so different then. He was quiet and usually kept to himself when he wasn't with Ellone, but he was always friendly with Zell. They were inseparable back then…"
"And then Ellone vanished…" Rinoa said, "and everything changed."
"To put it kindly," Quistis sighed. She watched as Rinoa's eyes trailed down the hallway towards the Infirmary, and lingered on the closed door at the end. Quistis took Rinoa's hands, and nodded. "Go to him, Rinoa. He needs you."
"He needs all of us, Qustis--not just me."
"I know. But I don't think he can handle seeing all of us just yet. But tell him we're here if he needs us."
Rinoa nodded. "I will." She turned and headed down the hallway.
Strange…the walk from where she was to the Infirmary felt longer for some reason…
Squall sat in stony silence on the small bed in the Infirmary, the same one Rinoa had been resting on after her encounter with Ultimecia had left her comatose. Squall thought he had lost her forever then, and the irony of being in this same room with the threat of another devastating loss hanging over his head was almost more than he could take. Especially now.
Because he was starting to remember things. Memories that he thought were lost to him forever had inexplicably resurfaced up on the terrace after years of emotional suppression… and they all centered on Zell. Squall repressed a involuntary shudder as he brushed gloved fingers across the cool metal surface of his necklace, Griever hanging around his neck and flat against his chest like some eternal sentinel guarding over his heart. It was the one constant in his life since his days at the Orphanage. But there was more to it now--much more.
Because now he remembered where it had come from. And who had given it to him.
He clenched a trembling fist around Griever, tears forming behind tightly shut eyes. He felt so cold all of a sudden, like the ephemeral breath of Shiva had blown down the back of his neck, and chilled him down to the soul. He couldn't stop trembling.
But then a gentle weight shifted the mattress next to him, a familiar warmth circling around his neck, driving away the cold . He raised his head and found Rinoa's dark eyes searching his own. She reached for his face, fingertips brushing away the tears on his cheeks.
"Nothing yet?" She asked hopefully.
"…No… I'm scared, Noa…scared out of my mind…" Squall's eyes moved to the front of the room. "How is it out there…? Is everything okay…?"
"Everyone's on edge, but things quieted down some a while ago," she replied, moving closer to him. "And you? Are you all right?"
Squall laughed without humor. "Sure, if you think slowly going to pieces qualifies as being 'all right'." He sighed, huffing his bangs out of his face irritably. "It's my fault, Rinoa."
"Squall, don't go there--"
"Why shouldn't I?" Squall cut in. "It's true. Partly, anyway. If I hadn't locked myself away in my own self-centered universe, maybe Zell would've come to me. He would've trusted me enough to let me in. Why, Noa? Why do we always find out all this stuff when it's too late to make any difference? We hold in so much of the things we really wanna tell the people we love, and when we finally work up the courage, it's…it's…" Squall lost the words, couldn't find them again.
"Too late?" Rinoa finished, taking Squall's face in her hands. "I don't know, Squall. I guess we're too embarrassed or afraid of being rejected in the end. But Squall--no one can blame you for wanting to escape from the pain you felt back then. You were so young, and you were all alone."
"Yeah, and it's my own fault," Squall said flatly. "I made the choice to be how I was. Nobody forced me. I could've let people help me, Rinoa. I could've been the person Zell needed me to be before all this came down, but no…I shut him out--I shut everyone out, and look where it got me. Look where it got Zell…" he trailed off , staring down at his hand where he'd been clutching at his necklace. Rinoa looked at it, puzzled.
"…Griever?" she asked tentatively.
Squall nodded, his voice down to a whisper. "…Zell, he…he's the one who…he's the one who gave Griever to me. When we were kids…"
Rinoa's eyes widened as Squall went on. "I remember it now. It all came back to me on the terrace…most of it, anyway. The other kids--Irvine…Selphie…Quistis, every once in a while…and Seifer--of course, Seifer…they picked on him a lot, called him a cry-baby and all that. I was the only one who didn't. I hated it so much, but Zell…he'd just sit there and take it, except when it came from Seifer. But when the others did it, he'd…he'd just shut down. He wouldn't fight back, and I couldn't understand why. So whenever I saw them do it--"
"You'd break it up," Rinoa finished. Squall turned to her, gray eyes full of questions. "Quistis told me the whole story before I came in here. She was so ashamed of herself when she finished up. I thought she was gonna cry for a minute."
"I know the feeling." Squall wiped his eyes, but the tears kept coming anyway. "I remember I asked Zell why he'd go after Seifer, but wouldn't stand up for himself when the others gave him the same kind of grief. He said to me, 'Cause it's different with them. They're my friends. Seifer's not.' And remember thinking to myself, 'With friends like that, who the hell needs enemies?' That's part of why I hung around Ellone the way I did--she never made anybody feel like that. No matter who it was, she treated everybody the same. She didn't believe in playing favorites. That's why I loved her so much.
"But anyway, Zell and I--we were so close back then. I mean, on the days when all of us got along, things were great. But Zell was my favorite person when Sis wasn't there… We'd go to the lighthouse at the end of the beach, and hang out there all day when we wanted to it be just the two of us… Even back then he was hyper. He just couldn't sit still, y'know? Always jumping around, punching and kicking at stuff, handsprings and back flips all over the place… He was something else…" Squall was smiling now, the tears in his eyes finally gone.
"So…when did Zell give you Griever?" Rinoa asked, caught up in the story.
" The day after Ellone disappeared. I was a wreck… to say the least." Squall sighed, the smile on his face slipping away. "I was out in the rain all alone, crying my eyes out when he found me… Zell tried so hard to make it better, but I didn't wanna hear it… All I wanted was her…. After a few minutes, he fished Griever out of his pocket, and showed it to me. I stopped crying long enough to ask him what it was, and he said he found it on the beach somewhere a few months ago. He told me he couldn't believe anybody could let something that looked so cool get away from them. I could tell he really liked it, though. He said I was the only person he'd shown it to...
"Then he reached over and put it around my neck, and he said, 'That's for you, Squall.' I just looked back at him, and I asked him, '…why…?' I mean , here he was--giving up something he liked so much for me, and for what…? I didn't get it then. But then he reached out and put his arms around my neck, and he…he hugged me, and he said… 'Cause you're my best friend… 'cause you're hurtin' an' I wanna make it okay for you… but I guess it's just cause…I love you…'
"I guess I lost it then, because I was hugging Zell as hard as I could, crying all over again…Nobody had ever told me they loved me before except Sis… it was so weird, Noa… I was all torn up inside…but…I was happy… does that make sense…?"
"All the sense in the world," Rinoa answered tenderly, resting her chin on Squall's shoulder, circling her arms around his stomach. Squall leaned into the touch hungrily, and fully returned the embrace , his nose in her hair.
"Everything else after that's still pretty gray, except for the times I talked to Sis when I was by myself. When I finally enrolled here, I buried myself in the training. It kept me from thinking about things too much. And when I started using Guardian Forces, I didn't even care about the memory loss--Hell, a big part of me welcomed it…just to give me a way out of the pain…to keep from dealing with it. God…I was so naïve, Rinoa… I wanted to lose the pain so much, I ended up taking everything that ever made me feel loved along with it." Squall sighed, putting his face in his hands. "And now Zell--"
"No," Rinoa said, shaking her head, "not Zell. He's still here, Squall. He's alive. And as long as he is, there's still hope. And I think the reason you remembered all this was so you could tell him yourself how much you still need him. You can't give up, Squall…not now." Rinoa tightened her grip on him. "Don't lose your faith in that…or in Zell. He wants to live. I know he does…"
Squall stared into Rinoa's eyes, and saw the hope and the love that rested there staring back at him. And he welcomed it, the warmth and the love Rinoa shared with him finally driving away the last of the inner demons that had bound him since childhood. He touched his forehead to hers, like he'd done with Zell on the terrace, and smiled. "I don't need faith, Noa…when I've got you."
Rinoa blushed a bit as she tilted her head upward, brushing her lips across the bottom of his chin, about to go a bit further when the door to the room quietly shushed open.
"Squall?"
Squall and Rinoa looked up to see Nida and Xu standing in the doorway. They stood up instantly.
"How's Zell…?" Squall asked softly, hopefully. Nida and Xu looked at each other, then back at Squall, unable to speak for some reason. But they didn't need to, really.
The emotions in their eyes was enough to make Squall's heart stop.
"I can't stand anymore," Selphie announced suddenly. She'd been pacing the floor like an expectant father in a maternity ward waiting for news on Zell's condition. "I'm going in there." She marched toward the hallway with half the student body looking poised to follow her, when Quistis took her gently by the arm.
"Selphie, it's not going to help if you charge in there barking demands. We have to trust Xu and Nida."
"Nida, I trust. Xu…well, let's just say the jury's still out on that one," Selphie came back dryly.
'Hey, take it easy, Selph," Irvine wrapped his arms around her from behind. "C'mon, Xu's worried about Zell, too. You saw how freaked she was when we gave her that bottle of pills we found. She's not gonna let him die if she can help it."
"Humph," Selphie muttered, crossing her arms. She had to admit Irvine was right about that. The look of concern and fear Xu had on her face when Irvine had given her the empty bottle wasn't an act, but after all the strings she'd pulled trying to sneak Zell out of the Infirmary, and into a hospital behind Squall's back, Selphie wasn't ready to let Xu off the hook just yet.
"Yeah, but she's got a point, guys," Raijin said, stepping forward. "It's been too long, ya know?"
"AFFRIMITIVE," Fujin concurred. "DIRECT COURSE OF ACTION RECOMMENDED."
Quistis looked over at Seifer, who was standing next to them, his arms crossed "Do you agree with them?"
"You gotta ask?" Seifer answered. "We're not gonna get any answers standin' around here."
"No, we won't," Quistis sighed. She took a breath, and squared her shoulders. "All right, then. Let's go find out what's--"
Quistis was interrupted by a loud ripple of voices speaking and talking lowly in unison as it passed through the crowd of students around them. She and the others turned around and saw Squall and Rinoa coming down the hallway. Rinoa was alongside Squall, her arm threaded through his. Her eyes were trained on his face, which no one else could see since his head was hanging so low his chin touched his chest. His shoulders were slumped as he approached the expectant group, and Quistis felt a spiral of dread work its way into her throat as he and Rinoa finally came to a stop in front of the group.
"Guys?" Irvine asked. "What is it? How's Zell?"
"He's not…oh no, Squall, he's not…" Selphie brought trembling fingers to her mouth.
"Squall…?" Quistis could barely speak his name. Seifer, Raijin , and Fujin stared in silence waiting for him to answer. Everyone in the hallway seemed to be holding their breath.
Squall finally lifted his head to face his friends in a slow, aching fashion, his eyes slowly taking in the assembly before him. Every gaze he met returned his with hope and anxiety, each and every one pleading for answers. Squall steadied himself, took a breath, and then he said, the corners of his mouth rising into a bright smile of relief, "He's gonna be okay… Zell's gonna make it…!"
A tidal wave of relief washed over the group as cheering and shed tears of joy broke out in equal amounts, Selphie squealing happily and Irvine embracing her from behind, Raijin exchanging handshakes with some of the other classmen, while Fuijin celebrated quietly a few feet away, a look of relief written large across her normally-critical face. Seifer came up beside Qustis, and put a hand on her shoulder. And was pleasantly surprised when she welcomed the gesture fully by placing her hand on top of his. But no one in the group was as relieved and happy as Squall, who was smiling hugely as he hugged Rinoa, thanking God, thanking Hyne, thanking whoever that Zell was going to pull through.
Nida and Xu stood in the open doorway of the Infirmary watching the celebration. Nida looked just as happy as the others, but Xu looked anything but. The truth be told, she looked terribly disturbed.
"Xu? Nida asked after a minute, "are you okay?"
"I don't know, Nida," she answered absently. "I don't know what to make of any of this yet. I'm absolutely stumped. And for me, that's saying something."
"Xu…it was probably nothing. It might've been a side effect of the drugs or something," Nida offered.
"You don't believe that any more than I do. You saw it with your own eyes, just like me," Xu met Nida's gaze. "We weren't imagining this. Something strange happened in there, and I can't help wondering if it hasn't happened before."
"Are you gonna tell the others?" Nida asked.
"No. Not yet anyway. I don't want to spread falsehoods all over the Garden, and then end up being wrong about all this. I've hurt Zell enough as it is, trying to shuttle him off to a hospital behind everyone's backs. I don't blame Selphie for letting me have it." Xu sighed with frustration. "And I actually thought he plunged out of that tree to get some attention. I thought he was pulling a STUNT, for Hyne's sake! My God…what does that say about me, Nida? What kind of person am I??"
"Xu, don't…" Nida said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "All these recriminations aren't gonna do anyone any good. All we can do right now is figure where to go from here. Zell's probably gonna be asleep for a while, so we can puzzle it out after he wakes up."
"I can't wait that long," Xu said, looking back into the Infirmary, where Zell was still lying on the operating table. "Squall's not the only one who owes Zell, Nida. I do, too. And I have to make up for this somehow. Emotional upheavals don't just happen; something caused this, I'm sure of that much." She narrowed her eyes on Zell's sleeping body with a look of fixed determination.
"And I'm going to find out what if it's the last thing I do."
To be continued…