Chapter Six: How We Suffered
The NORG madness lasted for a whole lot longer than I anticipated. I'm not too sure myself, but I think it ended somewhere around the time that the Garden accidentally crashed at Fisherman's Horizon… Oh, I'm sorry! Maybe I need to make a few updates in my story! It wouldn't make much sense to just say that right out!
Well, the first NORG insurrection was calmed through the efforts of myself, my friends, and all the other SeeDs who were loyal to Cid. We cleaned up the monsters that had been freed, and made sure that everyone else was safe. Of the SeeDs who pledged allegiance to NORG…… well, I don't know what happened to them, since I was with Xu at the time. We had both been assigned to helping the Headmaster prepare for "an emergency maneuver" as he called it, and were kept fairly busy for most of the day.
Our assignments were briefly interrupted when the Garden--get this--actually levitated off the ground and started flying. Yeah, I'm not making this up! It actually flew! The good news about that was that we could now avoid the missiles that were heading in our direction (don't ask, it's a long story); the bad news was that we were now very much uncontrollable. We almost flew straight into Balamb town!!! Thankfully, our Garden was somehow able to avoid this fate, and ended up in the sea instead, where we drifted for some time.
I never saw much of Fujin after the first NORG rebellion, so I just assumed that she was doing her part as much as I was doing mine. I had a lot of faith in her, and trusted her very much, so I could afford to not be worried. In any case, that was the least of my worries: we still had that mess to clean up, and a few butts had to be kicked, and oh yeah, what was the deal with those missiles? I was too confused to think straight.
Thankfully, during that time where we were drifting, Cid informed Xu, myself, and a few other key SeeDs about most of the problems that had befallen our beloved Garden. He told of NORG, and of the Sorceress any why Balamb was targeted, etc. etc., but by the end of his speech, I still didn't understand a lot of it. I'm really just a simple young man who doesn't like things to be complicated. Thankfully, Xu made everything simple for me.
The second NORG rebellion lasted much shorter, and there really were no messes to clean up except the refuse that had somehow collected in the basement. Cid plainly told us (Xu and myself) that there had indeed been another conflict with NORG, but he also added that that had been the last. Thank God! I wasn't suited to be running around like this!
Unfortunately, I was not given much time to breathe. Not five minutes has passed since everything calmed down for good, and we were already running into troubles. The Garden was now on a direct course for Fisherman's Horizon (as I mentioned before), but this time, nothing could stop the collision. To say that I felt sick, and helpless, and altogether scared, would have been an understatement. I had never felt so defenseless before in my entire life, and when the Garden collided………
………It seemed as if we were okay.
…Ha! Oh, thank God! We were okay! …Well, in reason. We had been hit really hard, and the town wasn't in the best of conditions either. Luckily, not too many people had gotten hurt, and nobody had died, and to my surprise, not a whole lot of people were angry with us! I mean, I know it was an accident, but I'm sure that somebody would've gotten enraged…
Anyway, my skills were put to the test when the FH constructors helped repair our Garden. They were smart enough to install a navigation system in the Garden, and wouldn't you know it? Out of all the people there, I was chosen to be the pilot! ME!!! I nearly went ballistic! Of course, my own celebration was cut short when Squall was nominated as the commander (another long story, don't ask), but hey, I would have my moment later.
I spent about an hour getting used to the controls of the Garden, and it seemed that after we left FH, we never stopped moving. Our first destination was Trabia, which had been hit by the brunt of the missile attack I mentioned earlier. A few of our students had been transferred from that place, so I could understand why they were so distraught. I was bogged down with paperwork during the whole time, and if I ever got any time away from work, I was busy perfecting my driving skills. It wasn't easy learning how to fly that thing!
After we left Trabia, I was told to go to a peninsula in Centra, where it seemed as if a few of our elite numbers had grown up. I vaguely remembered Fujin saying that Seifer had grown up here too, but--
Suddenly, I jerked forward, and realized something that sent shivers down my spine. Fujin! I nearly forgot about her!! I slapped my head for my idiocy, and nearly left my post to search for her. I hadn't seen her since the NORG uprising, and that had been a few days ago. The messes there had been all cleaned up, and the people had all returned to their normal lives, yet never did I once see Fujin wandering around, nor even Raijin. What had happened??
Unfortunately, I had a job to do, so with my heart filled with worry and my brow tickled with sweat, I moved the Garden forward. My nervousness increased exponentially when we ran into Galbadia Garden, which seemed to learn how to fly in the time since we last left it. Along with its newfound powers, Galbadia had also gotten a very big mean streak--it attacked us, and there was a little war declared just then between the two Gardens.
As pilot, I had to put my thoughts on Fujin aside for the time being and concentrate on the mission before me. I followed any orders given to me, and drove that behemoth with the skill of an ace dogfighter. Oh, Fujin, if only you could've seen me then! You'd be so proud of me…!
In the thick of the fight, I had to put all my concentration in piloting the Garden, so I couldn't have left my post for any reason, not even to see if my girlfriend was all right. I was as nervous as a man could be, and I couldn't stop worrying about her even in the heat of battle. I hadn't seen her since the NORG revolt; where could she be? Was she okay? Was she hurt? Where was Raijin? Was he watching over her? Ack, I had too many questions!!!
Things never let down after that moment. As pilot of the Garden, I had been occupying myself with this one integral task, and I couldn't even leave my post to eat, so a few of my friends brought food up there for me. The breaks I got were short, and I usually just went to the bathroom or took a shower then. By the time it came for me to sleep (I went to bed every time it looked like we would be parked in a place for very long), I was too exhausted to search for Fujin--in fact, it was a miracle that I could make it to my room at all, I was so tired!
The battle with Galbadia ended with a mixed reaction. In a way we won, and in a way we lost, if that makes any sense. I wasn't filled in on many details, so I didn't know what was going on. From what I heard, it had something to do with the Headmaster's wife, and General Caraway's daughter, but other than that, I was left in the dark.
We jumped from here to there after that, mostly in hot pursuit of somebody I knew only as "Ellone". I found it rather strange that so much time was spent looking for this one person, when obviously we had other things to do. Could she be that important?
Oh, God… what am I saying?!?!?!?!?!?!
Right in the middle of my own tirade, I suddenly realized why we were spending so much time looking for Ellone. Somebody, somewhere in this Garden, was looking for her. Well, that was obvious… I mean… somebody was searching for her. They were worried about her, they had to make contact with her… She was important, she was… loved… She belonged to somebody, and was connected to somebody… I… I'm sorry, Ellone. You're just like my Fujin. I'm so worried about her, I'd go to the brink of the world to try and find you. You've been gone for so long… Where are you? Are you safe? Are you hurt?
I was given some off-time soon after we made another landing in FH. It seems as if Commander Squall was going to Esthar, in hopes of finding Ellone there, and he was taking Caraway's daughter and Cid's wife with him. Yes, yes… things were starting to make sense now… yes, yes… it was all coming together, I think.
Anyway, as soon as I got rested up, I went in search of Fujin. I literally ran everywhere inside that Garden, first by looking in the Headmaster's office, then I took the floors one by one. The second was very large and hard to search, but I was determined to find her no matter what. Every failure only increased my resolve to look further, and every empty place escalated my worries even more.
I feared that she was injured somewhere, and couldn't move--or worse, that she was dead. Raijin would've helped her in either situation, but he was missing as well, which really worried me. Those two normally didn't get along, but I'm sure that they could've taken care of anything that went their way. So for both of them to be hurt, or dead, would have been a most terrible catastrophe.
I was finally relieved, a little, when I went to my own room. I didn't want to dismiss it as a possibility, so I had to check there too. When I got in there, however, I found a letter on my bed. It was from Fujin.
"Dear Nida,
"I was never good at expressing myself, even around you, and that is probably one of the main reasons why I so often came out as shy and uncertain. You alone, dear knight, know of my gentle secret, and I trust you to keep it for all of time. With that said, bear with me, and I'll try to let you know of what's happening to the best of my insufficient abilities.
"Put simply, my dear friend Seifer is out there in the world, all alone, fighting 'the good fight' I suppose. He is living his romantic dream, but I fear for his safety and his sanity. I know that not even he is strong enough to go through all this by himself, so Raijin and I agreed to accompany him in his journey. I do not know how long we will be gone, or even if we will ever return, but I just want you to know that I am not leaving because of you. I love you very much, my Nida, and I treasure every moment we spent together, even our very first.
"But Seifer is a friend of mine, and if I abandon my friends, then I could never live with myself. Please understand, Nida. I love you, but I love Seifer too, and I shall be at his side even in the valley of the shadow of death. I am not breaking up with you--perhaps this absence might even strengthen our relationship? I will still miss you terribly, and I fear I shall never smile again until I see your face, and I hear you speak to me, and I feel your hand in my own.
"I can't go on. I don't have the will to. I'll have to end this letter soon, so please, dear Nida, please take care of yourself, and take care of those you love. If I never see you again, keep me in your thoughts every day and try to move on. You are a good man, and you will find love easily if you keep looking. But I swear a blood-oath that I will do everything in my power to return to you, so until that time, I am and forever will be,
Faithfully yours and yours alone,
Fujin H. Kazeno"
PS--Try not to crash the Garden when you're piloting it. I love you.
As I read the letter, I went through every single human emotion ever felt, most notably love and sadness. The pure essence of Fujin's words was incredible, and they sent my spirits soaring as I read over them. She was not only alive, but well--in body, anyway, though it quickly became obvious that she was distraught over her decision. She was breaking her own heart by leaving me……
Breaking her own heart… Oh, she really did love me… (Not that I had doubts; I just like to affirm the fact every once in awhile) That last line also touched a chord in my funny bone--Fujin always did have a witty sense of humor--but I had to wonder what she meant. Did she know that I was the pilot? If so, then she could have left any time after we crashed at FH. That seemed to make the most sense--we were sailing abroad after we left that place, so that was probably the only way she could've left us. My worries turned into relief as I considered this, and I even fell on the bed with joy.
"She's okay," I smiled to myself. "She's really okay." I was happy enough that Fujin was all right, and to hear about her decision made me… well, it made me be at peace with myself. She was following her friend to the end of the world, and would probably go with him to the depths of Hell and back. Not many knew it, but Fujin was fiercely loyal to her friends, or to anyone else who saw past the outer shell she put up. She really was an incredible girl, and I counted myself lucky to be her loved one.
Time passed, though, and my happiness faded. I busied myself with piloting the Garden when I could, but I found myself being used in that position less and less. Commander Squall and his cohorts found a better mode of transportation, the famous spaceship Ragnarok, which left me with considerably less duties to perform. Paperwork slowed down, and although Xu and I became good friends in this time, it still didn't dismiss the fact that I was lonely and bored out of my mind. Not even Triple Triad soothed my restless nerves, and memories of Fujin came back to me…
I was placed as one of the staff in Garden, so I would forever have some thing to occupy my time with, but as I became skilled, the challenge dulled down and I found myself wanting more. Organizing SeeD missions and briefing younger cadets was fine for awhile, and I soon lost interest in participating in the actual battles (I had had my fill of those during the NORG revolt and the attack on Galbadia, thank you very much), but still…… There was a gaping hole in my heart, a empty void of loneliness and "out-of-touchness" that I used to experience all the time before I met… her…
I finished L'Morte d'Artur roughly around the time when Squall and his gang decided to face the most dreaded Sorceress of them all (I forgot her name). The book itself was wonderful, and it brought fond memories of dear Fujin. Even thinking about her made me lonely, and I had no idea how much I really and truly desired her presence until this moment. Was she still with Seifer? Was she happy, or safe? Did she miss me, like I missed her? I had asked Squall and the others to keep a lookout for her, and somebody would always make some kind of joke, and I'd usually just smile and wish them good luck.
But nobody told me anything about Fujin.
And so, time went on, and I could've sworn that for a brief moment, it stopped. Still no news from Fujin, not even a sighting from Squall and the others. I guess it's okay that they never found them… I mean, it was a big world, and she was just one person. Even combined with Raijin and Seifer, they would've been tough to spot out, though considering the Commander's knack for getting into a fight with his rival, I didn't doubt they met at least once.
Fujin… where are you…?
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I listen for your footsteps
Coming up the drive
Listen for your footsteps
But they don't arrive
Waiting for your knock dear
On my old front door
I don't hear it
Does it mean you don't love me anymore?
I hear the clock a-ticking
On the mantle shelf
See the hands a-moving
But I'm by myself
I wonder where you are tonight
And why I'm by myself
I don't see you
Does it mean you don't love me anymore?
Don't pass me by, don't make me cry, don't make me blue
Cause' you know darling, I love only you
You'll never know, it hurt me so
How I hate to see you go
Don't pass me by… don't make me cry!
I'm sorry that I doubted you
I was so unfair
You were in a car crash
And you lost your hair
You said that you would be late
About an hour or two
I said that's all right I'm waiting here
Just waiting to hear from you!
Don't pass me by, don't make me cry, don't make me blue
Cause' you know darling, I love only you
You'll never know, it hurt me so
How I hate to see you go
Don't pass me by… don't make me cry!
Don't pass me by, don't make me cry, don't make me blue
Cause' you know darling, I love only you
You'll never know, it hurt me so
How I hate to see you go
Don't pass me by… don't make me cry!
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"Hey, you all right, Fu?" My brother had his hand on my shoulder, and for the first time in awhile, he really showed no signs of smiling. That was okay--I really didn't feel like kicking him much, either. I was in too glum a mood to really get angry.
"PREFER SOLITUDE," I said, suggesting that he leave me be. Raijin nodded quietly, and backed away, leaving me to stand there all by myself. The sun was just setting on the horizon, and above me, the juggernaut of Lunatic Pandora hung in the air. My heart was more beaten and twisted now than it had ever been--and for so many different reasons.
I was obviously lonely and a little down for leaving Nida, but I had to do what I had to do. Seifer would be just as brokenhearted if we abandoned him, and though the decision was difficult, I still stood by it, even now. Especially now. Yes, I missed him terribly, and I hoped that he was okay. Perhaps, though I can't be certain, he has already forgotten about me and moved on.
No. That's not the way he works. If that were true, then we never would've become as close as we had. If that were true, then Nida would've never been there at the park, waiting for me. He had so much faith and trust in me, who had been a perfect stranger… He had so much faith, that I had to wonder what I did to deserve it. I loved him very much, for many reasons, so I suppose I had to give him a little credit. I just had to trust him--I had to trust his faith, and I had to put my faith in his trust. Droll!
The sunset was beautiful, and since it was becoming dark, I didn't need to bring my parasol with me (I sometimes carry one around to protect my skin from the sun). I suppose I looked very beautiful just then, standing on the small hill and watching the orange ball of fire sink into the distance. I could just barely hear the crashing of waves, and right above me, the gentle whirring of Lunatic Pandora. In a way it was serene, and I wanted to enjoy the moment so much, but I couldn't.
I had to abandon my own friend. I had been by his side for so long on this journey… For so long… so, so very long… And, and I loved him deeply, and I would have done anything for him, literally anything… Except…
We want the old Seifer back, ya know?
I smiled. Raijin could be very wise if he wanted to. Though nothing could be simpler than his declaration, it expressed everything I was feeling at the moment, though I myself let my own voice go during that period. I had never spoken so much, nor with such a gentle and compassionate voice. I had once been like that, ages ago, and I thought that if I could show Seifer my true-self, the real Fujin Kazeno (before the cruelty of life struck her down), then he would indeed become the old Seifer we knew and loved.
Well…… it failed… and we had to abandon him to his own degrading conditions. Seifer was mad, mad on power and greed and frustration and a sick, twisted determination to live out his romantic dream.
It is not a dream, my friend, I whispered. It is a nightmare!!
And so, here I was on the hill, hugging myself in the cool dusk, watching the sun sink down, and right then I felt more horrible than I had ever been, even when everyone around me laughed at me, or ran away, or spread horrible rumors. I felt my lowest then, and so desperately wanted to give up… I was suffering in silence, though Raijin did want to make me feel better, and I don't think things could've gotten worse than they were now.
But oh, that sunset was beautiful!