The table was rough beneath her fingertips, assuredly cool, but too achingly familiar to be comfortable. She'd eaten too many dinners here, too many breakfasts, made by his caring and gentle hand, and...
She hadn't seen Kenshin since that horrible moment that morning. The last she had seen of him had been the despair in his brilliant eyes, his thin hands clenching in Sano's gi as he had turned to face her, such fear and horror darkening his gentle face.
Kaoru sighed, eyes aching from too many tears shed, cheek still stinging faintly from the harsh slap Megumi-san had given her. It was ridiculous that she could still feel it... it had been hours ago, after all, and... She usually recuperated so quickly.
But the wound it had given her had been so much deeper.
Kaoru heard the rustling at the doorway long before the voice spoke, but she didn't care... she didn't care enough to lift her head and turn around, her neck drooping until her chin met her hands where they were twisted on the tabletop. It hurt too much. No matter what anyone said, it hurt too damn much and it just wasn't fair...

The deep voice startled her, and Kaoru felt her back stiffen, raising her to a painfully upright posture. Sanosuke's voice was soft, unsure, rumbling a bit as he attempted to remain quiet.
Kaoru said nothing, staring at the tabletop, uncomfortable heat twisting in her breast, chin shaking so much she had to bite down on the inside of her cheek to keep it still. There was a brief silence, then the gentle rustling rose again, the dark-haired man moving in his typical clumsy fashion to kneel across from her.
She refused to lift her eyes, unable to look at this man who had once been her friend, who had hidden his heart from her, who had taken Kenshin away, Kenshin... Kenshin, who hadn't even come to talk to her at all! Did she really mean that little to him that he would send Sanosuke in his place?
It was a familiar pattern, one she had been caught in the circuitous strands of since Megumi-san had left her that morning. She blamed Sanosuke for intruding. Then she blamed Kenshin for being so deceptive, for leaving her, for not loving her like she wanted him to... and then she blamed herself for never seeing it... For not being whatever Kenshin had wanted from her...
Sanosuke's broad shoulders trembled in a heavy sigh, then one of his rough, calloused hands grabbed onto hers, enfolding them both within the space of five long fingers. Kaoru started, her arm pulling back, heart rebelling at his touch, a touch that she never would have minded two days ago. Oh, to be two days ago...
'Jou-chan, just listen t' me for a second, he whispered, words falling over each other in his frantic pace. Give me a minute. Let me try n explain this.
There's nothing to explain, she returned flatly, still struggling to free her hands. Kenshin loves you, not me. And I can't blame you for loving him. So there's nothing to talk about.
Sanosuke's fingers clutched hers with all his fierce strength, and she relented with a sigh. There was no use in fighting. He was so much stronger than her, and if he wanted to say something, he would. It didn't mean she had to listen.
Kenshin does love you, he said earnestly, squeezing her hands. I love you too, y'know? It's just... You're like family to him. Like a sister, or a daughter, even... And he never wanted to hurt you, or have you think he was just throwin' you aside cause he didn't like ya at all. And he did try...
He tried to like me? Kaoru inquired, tone icy and bitter, the sharp whiplash of rejection still lancing through her veins. It hurt enough to lose him, without being humiliated in the bargin! It was that hard for him to even tolerate me?
His dark eyes flashed, and for a moment, a moment that seared her, Kaoru thought he was genuinely angry. She'd seen Sanosuke frustrated with her before, and that really wasn't any worry, but... No matter how much she liked him and trusted him as a friend, she still had the reflexive fear of him harming her if she were to provoke him too far.
But the fire there calmed, and Sanosuke took a deep breath before continuing, squeezing her fingers gently in his own. No, he said more quietly. That's not what I meant. It's only... it was one thing that he's always seen you as the daughter he never had. Lotsa' guys would just ignore that and screw ya anyway, y'know. His eyes met hers, and there was a meaningful warning there. Kenshin... jou-chan, Kenshin... He doesn't like girls like that.
But wasn't he married? Kaoru interjected, wanting to look away from that stern and yet warm gaze, but something inside her unwilling.
Sanosuke smiled faintly. Yeah. But he was a killer then, too. People change, girl. They learn who they really are. Sometimes it just takes longer.
So sleeping with men is part of his repentance. The heat inside her chest was turning painful, and the words that slipped past her lips were regretted almost immediately, but it didn't seem to stop her from saying them. Logically, Kaoru knew that what Sanosuke was saying was fair. She should accept it, and it would be unreasonable to expect something from Kenshin that he apparently couldn't bring himself to do.
Sanosuke's jaw set, and he looked down at their hands for a long time. Kaoru stared stubbornly at the top of his head, studying the mussed hair, remembering Kenshin's thin fingers tangled within those strands... Kenshin's lips on his... Kenshin wrapped up in his arms...
That's not fair, His voice was shaking, eyes still directed to the table. You know that isn't fair. What do you want me to say? Yeah- His head snapped up, and she was astonished to see his dark eyes glimmering suspiciously, chin trembling. Yeah, I'm in love with Kenshin. Yeah, I knew you had a crush on him. Yeah, I slept with him anyway. I am sorry that you're upset. I am sorry you think you're gonna be alone for the rest a your life. I am sorry you c'n manage to fool yourself that bad. His fingers tightened on hers, unforgiving. But I'm not sorry I love him. And I'm not sorry he loves me. And I'm never gonna be. And it's not fair for you to expect either of us to regret it.
No matter how much she cried, the tears still came when she didn't want them to, and they came now, stinging her eyes and pouring over her cheeks, falling to spot the old table between them. But- but he- why-
Why not you? he completed, voice still shaking a good amount. I can't answer that. Neither can he. Nobody can. You can't choose who you fall for, and no matter how inconvenient it might be, you can't change it. All I can tell you is that he cares about you a whole damn lot. He wants to be your friend and be part of your life. If you don't want that, then it's your priviledge. But he cares about you. And I care about you. Things just happened this way.
Why didn't he come...? she whimpered softly, voice cracking, tears blinding her. Why didn't he come to tell me? Why...?
'Cause he thinks you'll never wanna see him again, Sanosuke answered, and the pain in his voice was obvious enough to twist her heart. He's damn convinced that you're gonna tell him to pack his bags an' get his perverted ass outta your dojo, and he's afraid to face that. There was a brief pause, then his hand disentangled itself from hers and brushed over her cheek, wiping tears away. You... You're not gonna, are you?
Kaoru wept, not knowing from where within her the answer had come, only remembering the sorrowful eyes of the Juppongatana, that man, Kamatari... who'd spoken so eloquently and passionately of his love for Shishio, and she'd responded, she didn't know what it was like to be a gay man... but... but...
If she'd felt so much empathy and grief for a man she had never met before that day, a man she'd fought for her life against, than how could she be so cold to a man who'd done so much for her? Kenshin, sweet, gentle, Kenshin... The Kenshin she teased and smacked with a broom and had so much fun with... Kenshin. Himura Kenshin. The rurouni who had saved her life and oro'ed his way into her heart, as so much more than a crush... as a friend, as family, as someone she trusted and loved as much as she had loved her own parents.
And someone who accepted her so much more.
Kaoru blinked her tears away, frantic, needing to see Sanosuke's face, needing the answer to the question that burned so violently inside her.
Is that why he was so nice? she blurted out. Because he wanted to be who he really was?
Sanosuke stared at her for some time, and Kaoru realized a few moments too late why. That had made no sense at all...
And she laughed as she wept, wiping at her eyes and shaking where she sat. Of course! Of course that was why he had seemed so different from any other man! He smiled when she swang her shinai, because... he knew, somehow, that was who she was, who she wanted to be... And he had shared her uncertain shame and annoyance whenever she dolled herself up to wear her kimono... Of course he understood! He wanted her to be happy, because... if she could find it inside her to be happy, then... then maybe so could he...
'Jou-chan... You... you okay...?
Kaoru quivered as she continued to cackle hysterically, nodding feverishly in response to his worry. Of course Kenshin would understand! Because Kenshin liked men instead of women, and that was so far out of the ordinary, just like a female swordmaster, and that was why he let her braid his hair...!
You realize that means I have officially NO chance with men, she giggled, still unsure where the sudden mirth had come from, in the face of a conversation that should be so dead serious.
Sanosuke patted her shoulder, sighing as he rose to go. I'll tell Kenshin it's okay, he mused, and Kaoru peered up at him as he headed for the door.
Will... will he want to talk to me? she asked, somewhat more seriously. If he doesn't want to, I- I- he doesn't have to-
Sanosuke smiled at her, and the fondness that shone in his dark eyes warmed her slightly. He wants everything to be right again. He'll be here.
Kaoru nodded, calming and wiping her eyes, sniffling. Everything to be right again... everyone to be friends again... God, what was she going to tell Yahiko? She'd been putting him off all day-
Oh, an'
Kaoru blinked up at Sanosuke's figure where he was silhouetted in the doorway.
Who says men are your only option? he queried unassumingly. While Kaoru sat speechless, he winked and ducked out the door.
SAGARA SANOSUKE-!
The pot she threw was too late.