Scene Seven: Weekend Update with Harry Potter and Hermione Granger
Hermione: HAUNTED TAPE DISPENCER FOUND AT HOGWARTS ISN'T SURE
HOW TO BE SCARY
A tape dispenser in Headmaster Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft
and Wizardry is allegedly haunted, but isn't sure how to scare people. It has tried
spinning its roll of tape around quickly and hopping across the desk, but everyone present
agreed that it wasn't scary. Student Draco Malfoy claims that the tape dispenser
magically taped his mouth closed for a week. However, someone close to the dispenser
learned that the dispenser wasn't that creative and that the taping incident was the work
of two other students hidden by an invisibility cloak. (Idea credit to The Onion)
Harry: MAN UNDER THE CRUCIATIOUS CURSE CLAIMS HE WANTS TO LIVE
After a Deatheater attack in south London, one of the victims put under the Cruciatious
screamed that he wanted nothing more than to live. The Deatheater performing the curse
was so shocked as he was used to people wishing to die when they are under the cure that
he let his victim go. The victim now teaches swimming and springboard diving to
underprivileged house elves.
Hermione: DRUNK MIRROR OR ERISED SHOWS EVERYONE WOOL SOCKS-
PHENOMENON SETS HOUSE ELVES INTO WOOL WEAVING FRENZY
This week ten wizards who looked into the Mirror of Erised saw brightly colored wool
socks reflected back at them. Cornelius Fudge, current Minister of Magic and one of the
people who looked into the mirror stated: I hate bright colors and wool makes me itch.
However, Harry Potter was delighted to finds seven pairs of wool socks on his bed that
night. Students were disappointed that dinner was not served last week as all the house
elves were busy knitting wool socks a deep desire of the heart that they could fulfill.
Harry: DARK LORD STEALS CHILDRENS' COLORS
Seventeen London daycare centers report all their colored crayons have been stolen.
"The children are only drawing men in dark cloaks and thunderstorms because they have
no other colors," said one day care worker. "The parents are starting to get worried that
their children are becoming depressed." Weekend update heard from insiders that the
Dark Lord melted all the colored crayons in a large cauldron, and when mixed together
they created more black crayons. Voldemort is reported to have known that he could get
more black crayons from mixing colored crayons from when he used to color as a child
and sometimes went out of the lines accidentally mixing colors.
Hermione: MISCALCULATION SENDS GREAT HALL FEAST DINNER INTO
TABLE RATHER THAN ON TOP
The house elves at Hogwarts worked especially hard this year preparing the Halloween
feast, but were exhausted when performing the spell to make it appear magically on the
tables in the Great Hall. Students were surprised to find their dinner had actually
materialized inside the table. "I never thought about how hard it would be to measure
precisely where to send the dinner," said fifth year student Neville Longbottom. "The
mashed potatoes are still good," reported another student Ron Weasley, "you just need to
look out for the splinters."
Harry: We have a special guest with us tonight. Filch Sandler is here to sing about his
favorite robes. Black long-sleeved robes. Filch Sandler everyone.
Filch: My mum bought you when I was just 13
The darkest black I'd ever seen.
She got extra long so I wouldn't grow out
"That's too big for you!" the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn't quit
And now the kids say we're a perfect fit.
I love you staaaandard robes
Black long-sleeved
Staaaaandard robes
Dip dip dip
Staaaaandard robes
Shamma lamma ding dong
Staaandard robes
What is it about you that makes me feel jolly?
Is it that you're fifty nylon or fifty poly?
Oh standard robes we've been through a lot
Together like that time I dueled Nott
I had to take you off and leave you in a pool by the stage
Midway through the duel, I saw you staring at me
Staring as if to say, "Filch, you suck at dueling
you cast spells like a damned sissy"
I was so mad, I challenged you to a duel and you know robes
Even though I beat you 5 to 3 deep inside I know you cast those
Spells aside on purpose.
You let me win. And that's why I'll forever feel this way.
I love you staaaandard robes
Black long-sleeved
Staaaaandard robes
Dip dip dip
Staaaaandard robes
Shamma lamma ding dong
Staaandard robes
Harry: And that's your wizarding world tonight. Goodnight everyone.
Hermione: HAUNTED TAPE DISPENCER FOUND AT HOGWARTS ISN'T SURE
HOW TO BE SCARY
A tape dispenser in Headmaster Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft
and Wizardry is allegedly haunted, but isn't sure how to scare people. It has tried
spinning its roll of tape around quickly and hopping across the desk, but everyone present
agreed that it wasn't scary. Student Draco Malfoy claims that the tape dispenser
magically taped his mouth closed for a week. However, someone close to the dispenser
learned that the dispenser wasn't that creative and that the taping incident was the work
of two other students hidden by an invisibility cloak. (Idea credit to The Onion)
Harry: MAN UNDER THE CRUCIATIOUS CURSE CLAIMS HE WANTS TO LIVE
After a Deatheater attack in south London, one of the victims put under the Cruciatious
screamed that he wanted nothing more than to live. The Deatheater performing the curse
was so shocked as he was used to people wishing to die when they are under the cure that
he let his victim go. The victim now teaches swimming and springboard diving to
underprivileged house elves.
Hermione: DRUNK MIRROR OR ERISED SHOWS EVERYONE WOOL SOCKS-
PHENOMENON SETS HOUSE ELVES INTO WOOL WEAVING FRENZY
This week ten wizards who looked into the Mirror of Erised saw brightly colored wool
socks reflected back at them. Cornelius Fudge, current Minister of Magic and one of the
people who looked into the mirror stated: I hate bright colors and wool makes me itch.
However, Harry Potter was delighted to finds seven pairs of wool socks on his bed that
night. Students were disappointed that dinner was not served last week as all the house
elves were busy knitting wool socks a deep desire of the heart that they could fulfill.
Harry: DARK LORD STEALS CHILDRENS' COLORS
Seventeen London daycare centers report all their colored crayons have been stolen.
"The children are only drawing men in dark cloaks and thunderstorms because they have
no other colors," said one day care worker. "The parents are starting to get worried that
their children are becoming depressed." Weekend update heard from insiders that the
Dark Lord melted all the colored crayons in a large cauldron, and when mixed together
they created more black crayons. Voldemort is reported to have known that he could get
more black crayons from mixing colored crayons from when he used to color as a child
and sometimes went out of the lines accidentally mixing colors.
Hermione: MISCALCULATION SENDS GREAT HALL FEAST DINNER INTO
TABLE RATHER THAN ON TOP
The house elves at Hogwarts worked especially hard this year preparing the Halloween
feast, but were exhausted when performing the spell to make it appear magically on the
tables in the Great Hall. Students were surprised to find their dinner had actually
materialized inside the table. "I never thought about how hard it would be to measure
precisely where to send the dinner," said fifth year student Neville Longbottom. "The
mashed potatoes are still good," reported another student Ron Weasley, "you just need to
look out for the splinters."
Harry: We have a special guest with us tonight. Filch Sandler is here to sing about his
favorite robes. Black long-sleeved robes. Filch Sandler everyone.
Filch: My mum bought you when I was just 13
The darkest black I'd ever seen.
She got extra long so I wouldn't grow out
"That's too big for you!" the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn't quit
And now the kids say we're a perfect fit.
I love you staaaandard robes
Black long-sleeved
Staaaaandard robes
Dip dip dip
Staaaaandard robes
Shamma lamma ding dong
Staaandard robes
What is it about you that makes me feel jolly?
Is it that you're fifty nylon or fifty poly?
Oh standard robes we've been through a lot
Together like that time I dueled Nott
I had to take you off and leave you in a pool by the stage
Midway through the duel, I saw you staring at me
Staring as if to say, "Filch, you suck at dueling
you cast spells like a damned sissy"
I was so mad, I challenged you to a duel and you know robes
Even though I beat you 5 to 3 deep inside I know you cast those
Spells aside on purpose.
You let me win. And that's why I'll forever feel this way.
I love you staaaandard robes
Black long-sleeved
Staaaaandard robes
Dip dip dip
Staaaaandard robes
Shamma lamma ding dong
Staaandard robes
Harry: And that's your wizarding world tonight. Goodnight everyone.