Disclaimer: I do not own Weiss Kreuz.
"But, I can't help it!"
Chapter 2: AIAIAIAIAI!
* * *
"But Braaaaaad…."
Twitch. "No."
"Braaaaaaad!"
"No!"
"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"Damnit, Schuldich!
"I'll give you hot wild monkey sex after we get there!"
"I don't WANT hot wild monkey sex!"
"Are you saying you want hot wild Schuschu sex more?"
"NO!"
"Why not?"
"Farfarello! It will really hurt God if you get him off my leg!"
"AIAIAIAIAIA!"
"Ack! Mercy!"
Naoe Nagi stood off in his own little storm cloud separate from the battle building in the middle of the room. They'd been at it for twenty minutes now. Twenty. Of course, they'd chosen his room for the argument. Apparently, Schuldich wanted to go see some kittens. He'd asked Crawford, and when the American told him that they had no reason at the moment to fight Weiss, Schu asked for the next best thing. So now, Brad was trying to hold his ground, just like always. He never won. Nagi went to go get ready. They'd be leaving any moment.
* * *
"Welcome to my Pet Shop. I'm sure you'll find a pet you like. Our merchandise is Love and-"
"Will they hurt God?"
"…Excuse me?"
"Will the pets hurt God?"
"…Would you like some tea?"
"Please excuse my comrade's inappropriate behavior." The walking Armani suit apologized.
D took an instant liking to the American. "Would you like some tea?"
"Will the tea hurt God?"
Nagi stood over by a bunny in a cage. It was incredibly cute. Nagi's lips began to tug at just the barest inkling of a smile… when the bunny's stomach ripped open and many smaller bunnies flew out [1]. Nagi blanched. "That… really hurt God…" Farf commented, watching.
Brad paced through the halls, searching for a pet to match his suit while muttering something about a "distracting annoyance".
Farfarello began slicing open the stomach of another bunny to see how many more would pop out.
Meanwhile, Schuldich was giggling happily at the end of the hall. Cute kitties. He poked one to see what it would do. The first kitty licked his finger happily. Aw.
Brad found himself occupied with a gerbil. "Stupid distraction. I wish you would just roll over and die." It did.
Farf cut open more bunnies.
Schu poked a second kitten, which batted his finger, and a third, which snuggled up against it. Aw. The third kitten glared at him.
Brad promptly paid for the dead distraction.
Nagi watched in trauma.
Farf cut open another bunny.
Count D sipped his tea.
And the kitty bit Schuldich.
Fly went the kitty, it flew!
Land on Farfarello, it do.
"KILLING KITTENS HURTS GOD!! AIAIAIAIAI!"
The glaring kitten bit Farf. Farf bit a bunny, then cut open the bunny. All the bunnies flew around the room and bit everyone else. Yes, that's what they do!
D sipped his tea. Bunnies flooded the room. "Maybe you all have had your share of fun for today?" He smiled.
Schuldich smirked. "Oh, nein, mein liebchen. We're just getting started."
And then the polka music started playing.
Schu leaped around the room and pulled out his gun. Bang! "Haha! I shot your pigs!"
Crawford busied himself in the corner with his paperwork, and Farfarello jumped about the room, followed by hundreds of killer bunnies.
"We shall rally against God and bring ourselves to glorious victory!"
"Squeak! (Yes, verily we shall!)"
Nagi stood in the corner watching a sloth. He soon became frustrated and began moving the animal's limbs in a DDR-like fashion.
"I shot another pig!"
"Kiss your leader's leg! KISS IT!"
Schu leaped across the room, tackled Bradley, and sent them both tumbling into the monkey cage. "It was a promise, mein liebchen!"
"NOOOO!"
Schu swatted a monkey. "Stop trying to get your tail in him first! Bad monkey, bad!"
"Nagiiiiii~~~!!!"
Nagi now had the sloth in front of a large TV screen dancing on top of a DDR pad. "Aiaiai…"
"Squeeeaakkk! (We don't know what we've been told, but that God's got mighty old!)"
"I'm a little butterfly…"
"Yamero, Schuldiiiiiii~~ch!!!!!!!"
And so the four Schwarz members did grin, and torture animals, and have cake, and sodomy, and lambs, and carp, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and a hell of a lot of alcohol.
* * *
"No, Schuldich. I am NOT having sex with you tonight."
"But WHY, Braddy?"
Twitch. "DON'T call me 'Braddy'."
"Yes Braddy."
"Not listening to Crawfish hurts God."
"……………….."
"Eating Crawfish hurts God, too."
"ACK! OFF! DOWN, BOY!"
And thus, Schwarz turned in for the night. After a few more hours of fighting, anyway.
* * *
Ring. Ring.
No answer.
Ring. Ring.
{20 minutes later}
"Goddamn all of you! You were supposed to be in my office an hour ago!" Takatori stomped through the halls of the Schwarz residence as if he lived there. He tapped his golf club on every door like a drill sergeant getting his troops up at the crack of dawn.
Takatori had developed a nervous twitch by the time he reached Crawford's office. He threw open the door and screamed out, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?"
He found the office empty. He was a little more than annoyed now. He was about to go bashing Crawford's desk with his golf club when the phone rang. He considered bashing it, but then thought better of it and picked the phone up. "What?"
"Good morning. This is your friendly neighborhood seller of Love and Dreams."
"Go away. I have more important matters to attend to."
Sip. "I was testing my animals last night for various diseases, and I found something very interesting…" Slurp. "Apparently my kittens have a rare supernatural disease that causes extreme symptoms similar to those of OCD. Have a nice day!" He hung up.
Takatori slowly lowered the phone. Oh shit.
He heard a quiet sob come from behind him. He turned his head to the side. Farfarello was secured in his strait jacket, curled into the corner of the room, shaking and sniffling.
"Oh, dear... this isn't going to hurt God, is it?"
* ~ * ~ *
[1] In Petshop of Horrors, episode 1, the bunny split open after eating a cookie and reproduced. Massively. O_O
Gwahaha. Next chapter we get back to Weiss. ^__^ Review, onegai.